How dare you to distrust this (((true))) story ! I was able to obtain the full transcript.
Fat Dead Boomer (FDB) : Matt, my oldest and closest friend. Thank you for joining me in my last hour. You are a MAN of true compassion , tearing yourself away from a life of siring children and making universally beloved , deeply researched videos on meaningful art and solving murders singlehandedly relying on your legal and forensic expertise , rivalled by none.
Matt : Indeed, my valiant friend. Although I walked amongst kings and Hollywood royalty I have not lost the common touch. When I learned how Drumpf deceived you into getting fat and old I knew I had to see you before his wicked lies would force aquarium cleaner down your throat. I stood by while Drumpfs lies killed at least 6 Million Americans , but no more.
FDB : You are as selfless as you are thin and charismatic . I want to stress that this conversation really happened. LOL.
Matt : But do you not want to be surrounded by your family in your dying hours ?
FDB: It is an easy choice, you were the son I never had. I want my last hours to be meaningful. So I entrust you to listen to my last wishes and share them with your vast audience of loyal fans , so my death might safe the Republic and bring the Jedis or Gandalf or that Warhammer guy back , all franchises you are a knowledgeable about and longtime enthusiast of. Listen to my demands Matt : You must lead the Resistance against Drumpf like Mr. Spock liberated Gondor by defeating Ultron. I want that you selflessly fight for free college admission for mulatto children and Foodstamps that cover Disney+ and Soy-Pringles. Make deepfake rap punishable by death and urge President Biden to launch a genocidal war against Chile. Bring ethics back to Video game journalism and ban ethnics from entering the state of Washington.
Matt : Many strong and honest points you are actually , totally making right now, friendo. And yes, it is vile slander by Drumpf supporters that my autistic crusade for internet relevance and indulgence in child products forces my children to grow up in dire poverty. Thank you !
FDB : No Matt, thank you for being you. You are awesome and athletic . I feel my last breath , but I know you will find a eulogy , that will make the gods weep in heaven, with your unrivalled wordsmithing that lead you to countless highly paid writing gigs in Hollywood.
Matt : Rest my friend. I will speak from the hospital balcony to a spontaneous gathering of thousands of my most loyal fans . I will find authentic and original words...
Friends , Romans , countrymen ....
