Not into the whole race thing some people here are into (at all) but for me, it's because I'm a biological organism driven by drives and instincts and for a person to override the survival instinct you usually must undergo extreme, salient, and immediate fear (the enemy just burst through the gates) or intense personal trauma.
I am hoping I have a sudden, quick, and painless death I don't see coming and my life ceases immediately. There's not much in my personal life keeping me grounded. I've had to rule out the possibility of a romantic relationship based on everything I've seen and what I'm looking for in one; that's been super fucking hard on me, and everything just feels so hollow and empty, every victory is Pyrrhic.
I floated the thought I'm about to express to a friend of mine that has a brother that does music and wanted to do a band--I've said, how would someone with actual taste in music start a band these days? Nobody has imagination or taste. And they said, that's exactly what happened to their brother, they couldn't start a band because everyone wants to just do really retarded shit. And that's a loose example of of many other things. How can I connect with other people when they think about and talk about garbage? How can you date women when all of them listen to Dojacat and Kendrick Lamar and all that other manufactured autotune crap? In the rare occasion I find someone I can identify me with they reject me for complete losers.
I could pursue a career, but for what? Having to go through life not expressing what I think of the world, always hiding in the shadows? Build myself up just so someone can dig something up from my past and undo everything in a day?
I could try to do something creative, but who would pay attention? And the more "true-to-me" my creation is, the more likely it's going to offend someone because I'm not a person that values feel-good nonsense or political correctness. I like to entertain controversial ideas. If I were to write, I would want to subvert tropes and expectations in emotionally visceral ways, think of what a challenge it would be to write Lolita but with a sympathetic and self-aware "protagonist.' That doesn't mean I'm a pedophile (I'm using a presently mostly-nonpolitical example that is highly emotionally charged) or support any of that shit, but I'm fascinated with how, at the end of the day, so many people are human. I've had pleasant chats with all types here, including actual Nazis, they were respectful and so was I, despite our stark disagreements. I could also find common ground with Marxists and such, in some similar small ways, and while some of them could do that in the past, by-and-large they simply refuse to enter discussions charitably and calmly anymore.
How can one appreciate and entertain nuance and shocking things in a world of burgeoning orthodoxy?
Comedy a decade ago was making fat and even sometimes tongue-in-cheek racist jokes. Within that time we've seen every major institution seized by ideological hysteria. Now funny is "clapter," it's just saying woke things to bash a (conservative) political enemy.
So back to your question, why can't I do it, despite all of this? Because I am a biological machine and my system does not work that way. Every day is a hopeless hell of past regrets and a fear for the future, my brain constantly turning over in my skull trying to think of how to get to a place where I feel loved and live a meaningful life and I just can't find it. We're social animals after all, and I feel like I am always in solitary confinement, usually even while being around other humans. I usually only really feel decent after being stoned, drunk, or in those rare occasions where I'm somehow able to finagle sex out of an attractive woman.
Maybe a bit TMI here but it all pertains to the world and population at large, and the fact that I am simply an animal, a product of evolution, not made to just off itself like that.