Diseased Neo-Pagans / Witches on the Internet / Witchblr - SMT IRL, but with fatties

Dye It Bebsi said:
These people do realise that Aphrodite is one of the most petty and vindictive goddesses ever, right? She literally forces people to fall in love and even tried to stop fucking Cupid falling in love because the girl had the audacity to be subjectively more beautiful than her.

Their perspective on Greco-Roman mythology is all sorts of Percy Jacked up.
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I swear half of the tumblr witches read Percy jackson once and decided they want to be pagans.

Also do Hindus count as pagans (polytheistic monistic and older than christianity)?
 
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Rubbermaid Eater said:
this all looks like shitting on santeria beliefs and its culture for some tumblr clout and "witchy aesthetic uwu"
At least respect the orishas with actual offerings instead of a 2nd grade craft project you made on 5 pounds of cocaine, like fruits, candles, and sweets
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Theres an rule of ifa tradition with the african archetypes preserved but the cuban branch opens a whole new can of worms in the Americas so lots of santeros use the yoruba pantheon mixed with just about wathever. Its very common to see weird mutated stuff like corte calè (or corte malandra/ a.k.a gangsta court), the santa muerte, malverde in Mexico, maria lionza, all sorts of santeria rites tied to local historical caudillos . Santero spiritism gets really weird and funny. They also used yoruba deities interchangeably with catholic saints which makes both the catholics and the yoruba santeros reeeee pretty badly.

The kind of witchcraft, spiritism and santeria that i notice becoming popular among the tumblr woke autists is more of the syncretic version mixed with stuff like voodoo, st ciprian, or candomble, so don't be surprised to find somewhere some goth whale trying to channel the columbine shooters and Sasuke on their own santeria altar with an offering of twizzlers and malt liquor. It gets exactly this stupid.

Btw, the corte calé are literal sicarios, the offerings are literal cocaine, weed and chap booze.
 

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queerape said:
I swear half of the tumblr witches read Percy jackson once and decided they want to be pagans.

Also do Hindus count as pagans (polytheistic monistic and older than christianity)?
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Pagan is pretty much just an umbrella term for religions that were bullied out of mainstream practice, nearly always by the Abrahamic faiths. Seeing as Hinduism is still the third largest religion in the world it wouldn't really be considered as Pagan.

Apparently there's more Hindus than atheists, TIL.
 
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LinkinParkxNaruto[AMV] said:
ohh and you need to look into santeria and caribbean spiritism, it gets even more hilarious. For example there`s like this "court" of spirits who are all scandinavian vikings from the 13th century, when they get channeled by the mediums what do these spirits ask (in shoddy english with thick caribbean accent) ? Well, cheap rum and cuban cigars of course, which devotees gladly provide to the priest so he can get wasted as fuck for free and scream at them in the shitty spanglish that he thinks is what nordic people spoke like in the middle ages.


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>Swarthy Caribbean islanders praying to the ancient spirits of blonde, blue-eyed Norsemen for guidance

I didn't know santeria was based and redpilled.
 
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Technically off topic but a "witch" I follow posted this and I'm just wondering, if they really think they are "magickal" can't they just do their anti depression spells? Also, that post is not going to help anyone seriously thinking about suicide.
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No God wants to have sex with you! Please stop. Or don't. It gives me lulz.
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Witchtok is right. You're not having sex with the Gods, you are fucking your imagination.
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Why do these people always use so many questions marks?
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You'll never see Christians have these weird fantasies about Jesus, why do Pagans do it?!
 
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fuzzyrodent85 said:
Please do tell.
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Off the top of my head from Evangelical Christians and Mormons (and it's been a few years so some of these are paraphrasing):
  • "Jesus came to me in a dream and told me my sexuality was important to him."
  • After becoming a "born-again virgin": "While in the church I felt the spirit of the lord flow into me, I felt him heal me internally" (meaning her hymen) "and I was filled with a pleasure I've never felt before."
  • In a sex-ed class presented to Middle School kids (I was not a middle schooler, I was just around): "I'm a married father with children, so I've had sex!" (pause for laughter) "and let me tell you, God's love? It's much better than sex."
  • "I knew I'd met the man god wanted me to marry because that evening when lying in bed I was overcome with feelings of warmth and excitement like I'd never felt before. I knew that was Jesus showing me what I could expect in that relationship."
It's super gross.
 
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fuzzyrodent85 said:
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No God wants to have sex with you! Please stop. Or don't. It gives me lulz.
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Witchtok is right. You're not having sex with the Gods, you are fucking your imagination.
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You'll never see Christians have these weird fantasies about Jesus, why do Pagans do it?!
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They are not Pagans, they're just in Greek mythology fandom. All they do is write fanficks, draw ugly fanart, reblog memes, and masturbate to their favourite characters. Meanwhile they now nothing about Hellenic religion, mitology, or practices, and they make up rules as the go.
 
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fuzzyrodent85 said:
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You know Aphrodite is a GODDESS right?! You can't just give her some Aunt Jemima in a Walmart paper cup and call it a day.
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I really like that the closer for "Budget Offerings" is "Remember, they'll always appreciate it if you tried your best". So the syrup in a cup is her best.

NoReturn said:
Can't let the hamster have all the fun.

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Drink coffee. Got it.
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I'm envisioning a skinny-fat punk rock looking girl who carries her Harry Potter wand she got from her family's trip to Universal and scrawls pentagrams in her Evil Dead 2 Necronomicon diary while muttering gibberish and staring at her shadow in the corner of the cafeteria. She has a small picture of some guy from Supernatural she printed and cut out as a bookmark and she's reviewing how to amplify her spell power by offering Nyx a paper cup full of Danimal's yogurt but keeps getting interrupted by the "preps" making fun of her one table over, calling her "shart girl" because the copious amounts of coffee she drinks gives her the runs. Then suddenly one of them laughs so hard they cough for a second.
Later that night she blogs, "Dear witchblr, my incantation finally worked! That Becky bitch nearly choked to death right there in front of the whole school! My shadow self wanted to kill her but I held back...for now."

LinkinParkxNaruto[AMV] said:
ohh and you need to look into santeria and caribbean spiritism, it gets even more hilarious. For example there`s like this "court" of spirits who are all scandinavian vikings from the 13th century
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Caribbeans worshiping vikings... I wonder if Vargh would be proud.
 
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This is a community that contains people who genuinely think :heart-full::tugboat::heart-full::aug::deagle::waifu::woo: is #wicca #spell. They have full faith that this nonsense is a legitimate prayer.
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Hurtful. How exactly is "ibis - kneeling man - wedjat eye - alligator head" a real prayer but "aug - deagle - waifu - woo" isn't? They're both a chain of ideograms reaching out to a primordial frog god.
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Either way, good thread. I've enjoyed reading dumb stories about people being asshurt about the moon and what people did or didn't do to it with fake rituals that can't be measured or proven. At least when 4chan does it you can check the archives for GETs and dubs.
 
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