MY CONNECTION WITH LUP:
I didnt know lup for as long as jaspering and the others, but when i did know her we became pretty close for a while!(at least in my eyes, i viewed lup as one of my best friends for a time) we were practically talking daily and made plans to go to a con together(which we did!) I was one of the mods on lup's first public HGDs discord server as well as worked as a color artist for HGD for a time.
MY PRONOUN STORY:
At the time me and lup first started talking i went by the name Seth and identified as he/him and i was very open about the fact that i was trans going as far as to talk about it directly to lup and in lup's server quite a lot, since its a very important part of my life. I thought it was all well and fine!! I was struggling with my identity at the time still due to coming from a really religious and unaccepting home so i was extremely vulnerable in that regard. I connected with lup due to my connection with Christianity at first actually. I was really into it at the time. I had always said that God made me trans and hes telling me thats the right thing for me. Stuff like that. But then, some colab adopts happened. In the description of the colab adopts lup used the pronouns she/her to refer to me as. I cannot and will not say for certain that this was intentional but theres no way lup hadnt known. I let it happen because i looked up to lup, in a way she definitely had power over me. Something i can only see now in hindsight. I changed my name to "Alice" to appease this person i idolized and thought of as a real friend. and also due to the fact that i was not out to my family yet anyway at the time (and my mom was coming to the con with me.) I decided instead of tell lup about it i would just revise my identity to appease her and my mom, and this is my mistake for letting THAT happen though, Had lup not done that(refer to me as she/her) i would have likely told her what i usually tell my friends about my family when they meet them "hey im not out call me such/such to my family" but now i was too terrified and self-doubtful to talk about it. I wasnt in a mental state to stand up for myself then and that single. Small instance. Spiraled me into a phase of self loathing for quite some time. So anyone who saw me change from Seth to Alice very suddenly, now you know why.
I changed my identity in anticipation for meeting Lup IRL. I should NOT have done that, but thats my mistake. I wasnt prepared to stand up for myself. Its still terrifying to this day.
The only good that came from it is preventing a possibly awful situation with being accidentally outed to my mom.
THE CON:
Two major things of note happened at the convention i went to with lup.
1. Lup talked to me about jensen
2. A stalker
1. I will NOT be discussing details about the story Lup told me at the convention about her ex, it was a personal story and i am not about sharing peoples personal stories no matter how shitty they are. However there is one thing i wanted to note about the talk.
I didnt know jensen. I met lup post-jensen. I vaguely knew of him but not enough to know what i was being told was about jensen until after i talked to lup's longer friends about jensen. As you guys probably know, Jensen was Lup's ex and also trans, that info is all public. When lup was talking to me she refered to him as "my ex" and "she" or "her". At the time i remember thinking "huh? Lup dated a girl?" Bc i had no idea and it was surprising to me, since everyone told me she was straight. But i shrugged it off bc. You know questioning sexuality happens and all that! It was more like a "huh" moment. I had no clue the extent of what i was listening to. The storys contents aside. Jensen was identifying as he/him as long as lup knew him according to those i talked to. This info was revealed to me only post con, had i known before i probably would have said something. She deliberatly was misgendering her ex to my face and i had no clue. It makes me feel so disgusting for participating in the conversation at all. I dont care how much a person hurt you, misgendering is not okay. After finding this out it made me think about the misgendering that occured to me, if it was only me i wouldnt have said anything despite how it effected me, since i never got the chance to talk to lup directly about it. But after this, i cant help but see it as possibly intentional.
2. The con stalker..., there was this guy who was hitting on both me and Lup pre-convention. Trying to get with us. He confessed his love to me despite me being very open about my asexuality and not being interested in a relationship at the time. (Im biromantic but i was clear in not being interested in him.) He made lup super uncomfortable too. I was shocked to find out he was also going to the convention we were going to and it made me and lup both real nervous. Thankfully nothing bad happened (that im aware of) at the convention but he was following us around. I tried to make my discomfort clear with him without being rude but i dont thibk it came across. At some point he did put me into a panic attack and i had to get my mom to walk me to a panel i was going to. It was terrifying. But nothing bad happened. AT the con.
However. After the con is when things got rlly crazy. The guy was banned from most servers and he was gone for a while. I stopped thinking aboht him and blocked him on sm and stuff because. He was terrifying.
But then the patreon server happened. He joined. And despite both me and lup being super uncomfortable around him (at least i think lup was. She said she was) along with a lot of users in the server and the mods, lup disallowed him to be banned from the server. Despite everything that had happened and all the creepy stuff. It felt like a slap in the face to me i guess because we had gone through that together. Lup of all people should know how being in the vicinity of such a person would feel?? But i guess she cared more about not causing drama than that.
The same thing happened when she let a known pedophile in and opted to delete the server instead of deal with it after being shown the proof. But i wasnt part of that, case in point lup defended preds over her friends on top of everything else.
AFTER THE CON:
After the con there was a vERY sudden change in how she talked to me. We used to talk a lot and i felt comfortable talking to her. But almost immediately after the con she completely flipped on me. Her messages, while still polite and kind, treated me as if i was just some... random on the internet or even customer. She talked to me like when you talk to corporate emails. And if i ever tried to just talk to her abt somethibg like anime/ocs/interests/exc like we had pre-con i would be met with pretty much being ignored. I tried for a while to keep the connection. Because i LOVED lup. She was one of my best friends at the time. Despite her flaw with the pronouns i didnt want to lose her as a friend....because i cared about her. I wanted to see her succeed and i wanted to help her! I even tried to help her out with issues she told me ahe was having at the convention (i wont get into it) but she ignored my attempts and ignored my messages. Eventually i come to learn that she made a new discord, i had actually told her to do that since she was telling me how she was stressed about always getting messages from people she wasnt close to asking for comms and stuff. I suggested to her that she make a friends-only discord acc that she could escape to so she wouldnt be constantly swamped when she wanted to talk to her friends. She told me it was a great idea and shed do that! And told me shed give it to me when she did. That never happened. Then i find out she made a new discord acc and used it for the patreon server. I was never told about it. While thats her choice to not share a discored with someone, it was still hurtful to me as her friend, i figured out that was why she no longer answered my measages. Once that was revealed and then the stuff with the con stalker in the patreon server, thats when i started to give up hope. Our friendship had come to a really strange and sudden end and im still trying to wrap my head around it.
But that's my story with lup. My head is still spinning about what happened. I feel like i was tossed out like yesterdays garbage by lup post the convention, and now just everything going on. I really wasnt going to come out with my story but i feel so shitty holding it in like this
