Y’all. I’m. Really upset w/ a lot of people right now & need to get this off my chest.
For the past few weeks, my family has been getting harassed even more so than we already do from gamers & trolls. I’ve been open about this.
And a lot of y’all, rightfully, say ignore the trolls & anonymous people b/c they don’t matter. I can agree w/ that. Their words are still harmful but less so.
But I’m not just dealing w/ trolls & randos here.
A lot of people have member examined their prejudices when it comes to Jewish converts, to polyamorous people, to adoptees, to green card holders. And those abhorrent views never come up in normal life so they aren’t rejected.
A lot of otherwise decent people have horrific views on the identities my family consists of. And I don’t think they even know those views are horrific.
So when I say folx insist we can’t be Jewish b/c were polyamorous, or my husband shouldn’t convert b/c he’s German, I’m not talking about randos. I’m not even talking about single acquaintances. I’m talking about NUMEROUS FRIENDS.
It’s easier, I think, to believe Jewish spaces have a troll problem than to believe the prejudice towards certain identities is deeply ingrained & tolerated & in many ways enabled in our communities.
So, I get it. I understand why people tell me to ignore the prejudiced voices. I get why friends are really defensive when I point out what they said isn’t ok. All of this is a way of reasoning away prejudice rather than confronting its existence.
Friends & acquaintances feel comfortable telling me awful things about my family simply b/c they don’t believe they’re saying awful things.
It is harmful to me to insist my family’s experiences are unique (they’re not, my DMs from other victims attest to this) or accidental (it’s not accidental, but even if so that doesn’t erase responsibility for harm).
It is just as harmful to insist real people don’t say mean things. I end up having friends that say mean things b/c I am mentally ill & kind of a pushover for friends. It isn’t surprising friends say shit to me b/c I never put my foot down.
If y’all want to say bigotry has no place in our spaces, that’s cool. But I promise some of y’all have these prejudices & simply don’t examine them intently enough or have never had someone confront you on them.
Clearly I need to weed out a lot of friends. But, again. Some beliefs are so entrenched that even I will be surprised to discover friends have them. I can’t quiz all my friends w/ a question are before I consider them friends!
When every polyamorous Jewish person I know has heard horrific things from monogamous Jews, but monogamous Jews keep insisting to me no one intends to be mean & even if they are it’s just trolls; we have a problem.
When I’ve spoken to multiple German Jewish converts tjst have been met w/ suspicion (two told me they were asked to tone down their accents in American synagogues!) but non-immigrant or non-German Jews say the sentiment isn’t widespread, we have a problem.
We are not listening to members of less visible marginalized groups in Jewish spaces. We are dismissing their concerns by insisting prejudice is rare or from outside our spaces, were not considering how language harms them, were asking them to educate.
And I just don’t think that’s ok anymore.
I’ve started blocking anyone that even accidentally said something prejudiced about my family’s identities. And I did that b/c too often, the people saying harmful things would then expect me to educate them on what they did wrong. I can’t carry that labor.
Anyhow. I’m trying to say a lot of y’all don’t understand when you fuck up b/c it doesn’t look like a fuck up & I’m left deciding whether to speak up to raise awareness but be dismissed, block but have my boundaries violated, or quietly educate when exhausted.
And I just do not have the spoons to carry this community incredulity anymore.
It is not my job to convince y’all that the things hurting me come from real, verified sources that point to larger problems. It certainly isn’t my job to FIX those problems.
So. Yeah. I’m sorry many people have been blocked & that I’m ignoring DMs & thst I’m refusing to help educate. But I will not spend my entire damn day revolving around people saying shitty things anymore. I cannot does it. I shouldn’t be expected to.
Take it upon yourselves to research & educate when a person says a problem exists rather than asking them to convince you. And if people make a boundary about disengaging what’s too stressful to talk about, respect it.
I’ve got my own trauma to process. Don’t make me carry yours.