And we're at 7 ! Honestly, I'll take 10 by the end of the week for 200 Alex.
He absoutetly has a lot more people waiting in the woods and I truly belive that he's continuing to contact people in hopes that he can silence them, which honestly will probably work too.
To Ryan,
I feel taken advantage of. You were my boss. I was your YouTube mod / manager. For the past couple of years, I felt I couldn’t say no without repercussions. What would happen if I did? Would you take YouTube away from me? Would it be some awkward working relationship?
Maybe that’s why you “trusted” me. That’s what you said. You said I was your friend.
You sent me a sexual comment after I made a height joke. That was at lunch time on a Sunday in Sept 2017. By that evening you were sending me nudes.
I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want it. But yeah I did it. I played along with it because I thought it was harmless fun.
Then you told me bout your wife and how you didn’t get any sex and you were basically celibate. I went through the same thing in a prior relationship. I knew what that was like. I didn’t want you to have to experience it too.
So I slept with you.
I felt guilty doing it. I wanted to stop. But then it was like what would happen. I worked for you. So I pushed it aside. I repressed it. I focused on trying to have fun even when I was anxious as hell.
I struggled with adhd and anxiety and you knew it. I told you about it. I told you when I had really good days and things were great. I told you when I couldn’t get anything done and adhd was making my life hell. You and I talked about social anxiety.
I left something important to me because of something you said. Was that a lie Ryan? Was it the truth? It hurts. I miss it everyday. I want to go back but I don’t know if I can.
My feelings have fluctuated over the past couple of days. I’ve told people. Starting with someone I knew I could trust. Then I told another. And another. They’ve helped.
Now, I’m just numb. I had asked you how many people. You said 1 or 2. This isn’t 1 or 2 Ryan. This is a helluva lot more than that.
The post on Thursday is what pushed me. On Tuesday and Wednesday you asked me, begged me not to say anything. Because you know what I have. But that post on Thursday resonated with me. It was exactly like you treated me. I cried while reading it.
Because of you, I have trust issues. I know you pitted me against your other mods. And for what? Your own pleasure and amusement? Or was it to keep me from telling them what was happening? Was it ultimately to keep your secret?
I lost friends because I trusted you. I don’t know if what you’ve told me is a truth or a lie. I have a lot of doubts right now.
Want to know how I’m doing, Ryan? I weigh in the double digits now. I was 104 last Sunday. I’m 97 now.
I tried telling you no to something, clearly hesitant and uncomfortable. But you said you know how to make me say yes.
I’ve been scared to come out and say anything, in fear of what you would do. I kept my mouth shut.
I will not be silent now.
10/13 Update
Here is a bit more that is not “addressed to him”.
He regularly did not use condoms. Even though I was under the impression that it was me and another woman who I knew. I asked him about this, made references to it, gave him chances to say if there were more. He still always said it was me and her.
I know there are others he wanted. Sadly, I helped. He asked me to do him a favor and I helped. I am ashamed of that. Thankfully though, the other person was dense and nothing ever came of it. I’m glad for that. They’re doing well and they don’t know. He asked other favors but that one stood out to me. It felt wrong to me then and it feels worse now.
He would throw all this attention and praise at you, make you feel special, and I ate it up. I fell for it. I liked it. It was kind of like a drug. Then he would basically ghost you. And I’d wonder what happened. And if you asked what was wrong, or what happened, he would tell you nothing was wrong or that what you had experienced was not the truth. I’ve never fully looked back at the snap chat records before this, but yeah, he was lying on that one too.
I look back at my messages and cringe. I sound desperate and anxious. It wasn’t healthy. I’m glad to have met others who had a similar experience. It’s a relief.
As to the lack of screenshots, I’m still scared of him. I didn’t want him to know that I was sharing this. Last week, he had begged and pleaded with me not to say anything. He had told me about downing a bottle of pills and when I asked because I was scared for him, he told me no, he wouldn’t do that. I didn’t want him to have any warning because otherwise he might try and stop me.
If you’re wondering about me not fitting the age profile. Look at me. I regularly get mistaken for an 18 year old. He made several allusions to innocence too. I think he was under the impression that I was around that age. He never asked but I did tell him my age because I thought that would be something he would be concerned with.
He thought it was all between consenting adults. It’s hard to have consent when the person is your boss. How exactly do you tell them no? So I pushed through the anxiety. I pushed through the hesitations. Forced myself to have fun and focus on that. And as he said, he knew how to get me to say yes.