Celibacy
Donnelly, Denise, Burgess, Elisabeth, Anderson, Sally, Davis, Regina, and Dillard, Joy. (2001).Involuntary Celibacy: A life course analysis.
The Journal of Sex Research, 38 (2), 159-169.
Intro: In an era when sex is used to sell everything from toothpaste to transmissions, the idea that large minorities of adults might have little or no sexual contact with others seems odd to many people. However, one study found that 16% of married couples had not engaged in sexual intercourse in the month prior to a national US survey in 1993. Another study found that 14% of men and 10% of women in the US had not had and sexual behavior involving genital contact in the past year (1994 study).
Much of the research focused on celibacy tends to focus on persons who are celibate by choice (for cultural or religious reasons), or those who fear HIV, STIs or pregnancy. Most research has not distinguished between voluntary and involuntary celibacy, and in studies of celibate married people, have found that unhappiness with the marriage, plans or desires to leave the relationship, lack of shared activity, increasing age, the presence of preschoolers, and poor health predicted lack of sexual activity in a marriage. Other factors include pregnancy, recent child-birth or acute illness or injury, as well as chronic illness or disability that hinder sexual activity.
Certainly some people are celibate because they have chosen the lifestyle due to religious or personal reasons. Other, however, would like to have sex, but lack a willing partner, and so celibacy is not a choice. The authors of this paper call this involuntary celibacy, and say that this a relatively new area of inquiry within the field of sex research and almost no studies have dealt with the dimensions, etiology or consequences of this phenomenon.
They define an involuntary celibate as one who desires to have sex, but has been unable to find a willing partner for at least 6 months prior to being surveyed. They chose 6 months since they recognize the reality that people often go without sex for weeks or months, but after a certain length of time begin to worry. They realize that the 6 months cut off is arbitrary, and say that the reality is, for this project, the important thing is whether or not the person defines themselves as an involuntary celibate. They included married and partnered couples whose partners no longer desire sex with them, un-partnered singles who have had sexual relationships in the past but who are unable to find a partner currently, and they include heterosexuals, bisexuals, homosexuals and transsexuals in their sample.
They also used what they call a life-course perspective to understand the process by which persons become and remain involuntarily celibate. This perspective emphasizes how age-based transitions are socially created, socially recognized and shared and acknowledges that change over time can occur on multiple dimensions. This kind of perspective emphasizes transitions and trajectories. Transitions are brief events that mark chronological movement from one state to another. First sexual intercourse and commitment to a monogamous relationship are examples of transitions. Trajectories are more complex measures, which measure the long-term processes and broader patterns of events in an individual's experience in specific life spheres over time. Sexual histories and marital relationships are examples of trajectories.
Cultural expectations suggest that certain events and patterns are normative for different age groups, and these expectations exist in all societies. These expectations can be examined using four dimensions 1) timing, or when transitions occur; 2) sequencing, or the order in which transitions occur; 3) duration, or how long life events last; and 4) prevalence, or how many persons experience these transitions.
Most countries have normative expectations about sexual transitions, and assume that people will begin to date in their teens or early 20s, experiment with and initiate sex at some point thereafter, and eventually marry or partner in a long-term relationship which includes an active sex life. For the majority of people in Western societies, dating, sexual experimentation and mating take place sequentially, in a somewhat linear fashion. Although the timing and duration of these transitions may vary, the majority of adults are assumed to have completed these life events, at least once, by the mid to late 20s. People are expected to remain sexually active for major portions of their adult lives. Expectations for regular adult sexual activity are reinforced by a variety of social agents, including family, peers and the media.
People judge themselves by these normative expectations to measure their own progress and determine if they are 'on time' or 'off time'. In contemporary Western society, the timing of some life transitions has become less important as people marry, divorce, remarry, and have children at increasingly diverse intervals.
In contrast, in other areas, such as sexual activity, cultural expectations seem to be more rigid and being 'off time' has greater consequences. With the exception of those who chose celibacy, those adults who have never had sex or who go for long periods of time without sex may begin to feel 'off time' in regards to sexuality. Once the person begins to feel different from others, it may become more difficult to interact and establish intimacy and chances for sexual intimacy may be reduced. This may be particularly true when the person wants a sexual relationship and feels that everyone else his or her age is more experienced at and knowledgeable about sexual matters.
The same is probably true for partnered involuntary celibates. They are expected to have sex with their partners, except when the partner is ill, disabled or late in pregnancy. They may begin to feel 'off time' and experience themselves as different from other partnered persons. The longer the relationship goes without sex, the harder it may be to reestablish this component. The norm may become sexual inactivity.
They propose that involuntary celibacy is more than one event, but is a combination of the timing, sequencing and duration of sexual behavior. A life course perspective suggests that people who become 'off time' in regards to life transitions involving sexuality begin to feel as if they are no longer traveling on the same path as their peers, and once this happens, it may be difficult to conform to the normative sexual trajectories that their peers are following.
They focused on 4 research questions in their paper:
- What social factors inhibit transitions to sexual activity for involuntary celibates?
- At what point do the sexual trajectories of involuntary celibates become 'off time'?
- What is the process by which involuntary celibates become 'off time' in regards to sexuality?
- What factors keep involuntary celibates 'off time' and inhibit the establishment and maintenance of sexual relationships?
Methods:
A member of an on-line discussion group for involuntary celibates approached the first author of the paper via email to ask about research on involuntary celibacy. It soon became apparent that little had been done, and so the discussion group volunteered to be interviewed and a research team was put together. An initial questionnaire was mailed to 35 group members, and they got a return rate of 85%. They later posted it to a web page so that other potential respondents had access to it. Eventually 60 men and 22 women took the survey.
Table 1 shows their characteristics.
Most were between the ages of 25-34, 28% were married or living with a partner, 89% had attended or completed college. Professionals (45%) and students (16%) were the two largest groups. 85% of the sample was white, 89% were heterosexual. 70% lived in the U.S. and the rest primarily in Western Europe, Canada and Australia. They didn't find any national differences between US respondents and others, with the exception that those growing up in Western Europe were more likely to have received sexual education as children both from parents and other sources.
This is a non-random sample, thus they do not suggest generalizing their results to other groups, but they state that the value of this research lies in the rich descriptive data obtained about the lives of involuntary celibates, a group about which little is known.
The questionnaire contained 13 categorical, close-ended questions assessing demographic data such as age, sex, marital status, living arrangement, income, education, employment type, area of residence, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, religious preference, political views, and time spent on the computer. 58 open-ended questions investigated such areas as past sexual experiences, current relationships, initiating relationships, sexuality and celibacy, nonsexual relationships and the consequences of celibacy. They started out by asking about childhood experiences, progressed to questions about teen and early adult years and finished with questions about current status and the effects of celibacy.
Celibacy Status:
Their respondents fell into 3 categories, virgins (those with no sexual experience), single celibates (not currently partnered but who did have past sexual experience) and partnered celibates (those in partnerships and had past sexual experience).
Virginal celibates tended to be younger than the other two groups, and to have never or rarely dated. 76% of the virgins were male, 24% female.
Teenage Experiences with Dating and Sex:
While varying somewhat by gender and religion, by the time they reach adulthood, most U.S. adolescents have masturbated, dated and experimented with sex with partners. 78% of this sample had discussed sex with friends, 84% had masturbated as teens. The virgins and singles, however, differed from national averages in their dating and sexual experiences.
91% of virgins and 52d% of singles had never dated as teenagers. Males reported hesitancy in initiating dates, and females reporting a lack of invitations by males. For those who did date, their experiences tended to be very limited. Only 29% of virgins reported first sexual experiences that involved other people, and they frequently reported no sexual activity at all except for masturbation. Singles were more likely than virgins to have had an initial sexual experience that involved other people (76%), but they tended to report that they were dissatisfied with the experience.
78% of partnered respondents recounted initial activities involving other people (kissing, petting, oral sex, intercourse).
Summary: While most of the sample had discussed sex with friends and masturbated as teens, most virgins and singles did not date. Singles were similar to partnered persons in terms of first sexual experiences, while the majority of virgins reported first sexual experiences that did not include another person. Virgins and singles may have missed important transitions, and as they got older, their trajectories began to differ from those of their age peers. Patterns of sexuality in young adulthood are significantly related to dating, steady dating and sexual experience in adolescence. It is rare for a teenager to initiate sexual activity outside of a dating relationship. While virginity and lack of experience are fairly common in teenagers and young adults, by the time these respondents reached their mid-twenties, they reported feeling left behind by age peers. The authors suspect this is particularly true for gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans adolescents, and in their sample, all 8 people in that group were either virgins or singles. As previous research has shown, a major reason for becoming 'off time' in making sexual transitions is the process of coming out to oneself and others. Even for the heterosexuals in the study, it appears that lack of dating and sexual experimentation in the teen years may be precursors to problems in adult sexual relationships.
Becoming Celibate:
Many of the virgins reported that becoming celibate involved a lack of sexual and interpersonal experience at several different transition points in adolescence and young adulthood. They never or rarely dated, had little experience with interpersonal sexual activity, and had never had sexual intercourse. Singles were more likely to have dated and experimented sexually, but had difficulty in finding and maintaining relationships and tended to go for long periods of time between sexual partners. 20% of single men reported that their only sexual encounters were with paid sex workers (no single women reported this kind of activity).
In contrast, partnered celibates generally became sexually inactive by a very different process. All had initially been sexually active with their partners, but at some point stopped. At the time of the survey, sexual intimacy no longer or very rarely occurred in their relationships. The majority of them (70%) started out having satisfactory relationships, but they slowly stopped having sex as time went on.
13% reported that one partner had been sexually reluctant from the beginning of the relationship. See comments.
17% of the respondents reported one partner making a conscious decision to suspend sexual activity. This often occurred in the context of pregnancy or childbirth. When a partner decides to stop having sex, often there is little that the other can do about the situation. There were no male-female differences among partnered persons, all were not having sex and all were unhappy about it.
Thus the trajectories by which each group of celibates arrived at their present condition varied greatly, with virgins becoming 'off time' in their teens and early twenties, and never experiencing the transition to sexual activity. Single celibates showed some signs of difficulty as adolescents, but appeared to have been at least somewhat similar to their age peers in establishing sexual relationships. Similar to partnered celibates, they got 'off time' as adults. Partnered celibates were unique, however, in that they were currently in relationships that had, over time, become nonsexual.
Barriers to Sexual Relationships:
Once respondents felt 'off time' in their sexual trajectories, they suspected that several factors kept them from having sexual relationships.
- They found that shyness was a barrier to developing and maintaining relationships for many of the respondents. Virgins (94%) and singles (84%) were more likely to report shyness than were partnered respondents (20%). The men (89%) were more likely to report being shy than women (77%). 41% of virgins and 23% of singles reported an inability to relate to others socially. See comments, first column.
- Another barrier is body image. Researchers suspect there is an indirect link between body image and sexual experience, with those with body image problems avoiding social situations and by doing so, they miss out on sexual opportunities. The authors of this study found that 1/3 of the respondents thought their weight, appearance, or physical characteristics were obstacles to attracting potential partners. 47% of virgins and 56% of singles mentioned these factors, compared to only 9% of partnered people.
Women were more likely to mention being overweight as a problem, while men were more likely to mention being underweight.
- Living arrangements, work arrangements and lack of transportation all probably contributed to the self-perpetuating nature of celibacy. 20% of virgins and 28% of singles report these barriers. See comments, second column, middle. Virginal and single men were more likely to be in sex-segregated occupations than women and to see this as a barrier. For partnered celibates, children (50%), commitment to marriage (32%) and finances (27%) were the biggest barriers to leaving a current relationship. Even though 82% had thought about leaving, 86% reported no plans to do so. Most of the people reported that they were reluctant to establish a extramarital relationship because of moral beliefs, concerns about their family or lack of opportunity.
The Consequences of Celibacy:
35% of celibates were dissatisfied, frustrated or angry about their lack of sexual relationships, and this was true regardless of partnership status.
Many felt that their sexual development had somehow stalled in an earlier stage of life; feeling different from their peers and feeling like they will never catch up.
For partnered people, the issues were different. They also felt different than their peers, and frustrated by their partner's lack of interest. When they tried to initiate sex, they were often met with rejection. These rejections are often cause problems in other areas of their lives. See comment.
All respondents perceived their lack of sexual activity in a negative light and in all likelihood, the relationship between involuntary celibacy and unhappiness, anger and depression is reciprocal, with involuntary celibacy contributing to negative feelings, but these negative feelings also causing people to feel less self-confident and less open to sexual opportunities when they occur. The longer the duration of the celibacy, the more likely our respondents were to view it as a permanent way of life. Virginal celibates tended to see their condition as temporary for the most part, but the older they were, the more likely they were to see it as permanent, and the same was true for single celibates. Partnered celibates saw their situations as unlikely to change.
Conclusion:
As a group, all involuntary celibates appear to have difficulty with the timing and maintenance of culturally sanctioned age-based norms of sexuality. Also, most celibates appear to feel despair, depression, frustration and a loss of confidence. This negatively affected the ways in which they viewed themselves, and they seemed less likely to take steps to initiate sexual activity. The longer the duration of the celibacy, the more they despaired of ever having a normal sexual relationship.
Cultural expectations about masculinity and femininity affected the respondents. Men were more likely to have graduate or professional degrees than the females, to work in sex-segregated jobs and to spend more time on the computer. Women were more likely to report that their bodys were a barrier to sex and to feel constrained by gender role norms that influenced them to act in traditional ways. Men reported that they felt trapped by expectations that they should take the initiative in relationships, while women felt they should not initiate dates or sexual activity.
Less than 25% of this sample reported that they filled sexual needs by viewing pornography, engaging in sexually explicit cyber chatting or having cyber sex. They appeared to use the internet more to find moral support than for sexual stimulation. For most, the internet provided them with a community and filled emotional needs. Just as they were hesitant to begin sexual relationships in real life, this sample was hesitant to establish sexual connections on-line as well.
