How to Have Sex at Your Parents’ House Over Christmas
Tis the season for everyone, regardless of age, to revert back to sneaking around like a horny teenager again.
By Gina Tonic
December 21, 2020, 10:00am
One of the best bits about moving away from home is being able to shag however you like – flatmate-willing – because the kinds of quiet missionary shags you undertake at the age of 16 are just, let’s face it, absolutely pants. Vividly, I remember giving an ex a blowie after Sunday dinner with my family and thinking, mid-kneel, mid-suck, that I couldn’t wait to never do this again. Not the blowjob, but remaining eerily silent during sex acts.
While I didn’t return to the family unit after finishing university, I have definitely brought partners back to the Valleys and struggled to bring myself to bonk due to the absolute fear of any eavesdroppers. So, as we head into the holiday season, it feels integral to festive cheer to make sure you don’t ruin Christmas Eve when your mam overhears you pegging your partner.
For help, I reached out to the shaggers among us who have perfected the at-home fuck bunker set up to be completely unheard during the deed. Below is their advice for those of us who are fretting about our festive fucks.
MAKE SURE THEY’RE DISTRACTED
Instead of waiting for your family to leave or go to sleep, top shagger Gina – great name – says initiating a group activity is the best way to ensure you’re going to be left alone. “Start a family movie time: make sure the movie is action packed and your dad will surely turn up the surround sound.” She explains, “Then get sleepy in the middle of the movie and tell the fam you and your partner are going to bed. Then have sex. The [volume of the film] will cover up any possible noise that could be made.”
If you really want to stretch this option out, put on Die Hard and make your leaving remark “does this count as a Christmas movie?” on your way up the stairs. The argument between your mam and brother will last hours.
MAKE STAYING SILENT SEXY
Georgina, 21, who still lives at home and also has a great name, recommends experimenting with noise levels as part of your shag. “Bringing toys into play has been a huge help in lessening noise and remaining discreet – gags especially,” she explains, “Not only is it a huge turn on but it allows me to get fucked within an inch of my life without making as much noise.”
If you’re not down to buying a gag just to take to your parents house – I mean, imagine they found it – then a hand cupped over your gob will also suffice for mid-sex sound proofing.
OR; MAKE A RUCKUS
If staying silent isn’t for you, drowning out your enjoyments may be the next best thing. Try and find a suitable playlist that doesn’t give the game away but also doesn’t dry you out, then blast your speakers in the direction of your bedroom door.
Jodie, who also lives at home year round, recommends even opting for playing a film or TV show loudly instead, as she has found it is “less conspicuous.” She also “always has a fan on to hide the sound of my vibrators. If it’s winter and it’s really cold, I’ll just face the fan away from the bed but still have it going during the bang.”
DO SOME MAKESHIFT SOUNDPROOFING
This option was the most recommended by my merry band of Christmas shaggers. Jodie advises that “to avoid the headboard banging, pull the bed away from the wall a couple of inches and pack the empty space with blankets.”
Soph, who has been living at home with her partner for a few months, adds, “If you have enough space in your room take your mattress and sheets off the bed and put them on to the floor – there’s literally no noise.”
LEAVE THE HOUSE
Probably the safest bet you can make to avoid family members this holiday season is to not actually bonk in their house. I’m not telling you to get into dogging, but as Rhiannon suggests, maybe consider using this time to “rediscover car sex”.
“I’ve found an abandoned car park or parked down a dark road works a treat,” Rhiannon says. “Any outdoor escapades really can be more fun than making it work in your childhood bedroom. If you have a shed or a garage, and there’s room, those are also pretty safe spaces to fit in a bonk.”
At the end of the day, if you’re determined to fit in some seasonal spankings while in somebody else’s house, you’ll find a way to do it. Hopefully the above advice makes the experience all the more easier and, following the fuck, be sure to dispose of spermy tissues safely, offer to change your own sheets and lock your magic wand back into your suitcase.
