In 2018 I took a marvelous river cruise on the Danube to celebrate the end of my time in the Military. It lasted about three weeks and started in Amsterdam, wound through Germany, spent two days in Vienna, and terminated in Budapest which is an amazing city to visit in the early Summer. From Budapest I went south, took a cheesy tour of Transylvania, spent a day in Bucharest (do not recommend), and decided to end my European adventure with a final detour to Odessa. You see, I am a bit of a film buff and have always been taken by Sergei Eisenstein's
Battleship Potemkin. The film's famous scene of the "massacre on the steps" is iconic and worth watching if you're unfamiliar.
I found an acceptable hotel in Moldavanka with a view of the Black Sea and within walking distance from Shevchenka park, and the world-famous staircase. I spent the first day exploring and seeing the sights. It went well and on the second day I decided to do some shopping. There were street food vendors on one side of the hotel where I decided to grab breakfast. The moment I exited the hotel I was overwhelmed by the pungent, ripe stench of bad onions. It seemed to hang in the air like a noxious cloud and overwhelmed the normal smell of freshly baked pyrizhky buns and the sweet, tangy aroma of stewing borscht I'd previously encountered on the street. The fumes seemed to grow worse the closer I drew to the corner of the hotel and I began to hear the voice of what seemed to be a very agitated cherubim, similar to the tones you'd hear in a youth boy choir. It struck me because the voice was speaking English in a southern American accent, and while English itself is relatively uncommon in Odessa, when you do hear it it usually has a decidedly north eastern accent from visiting American jews, often from Brighton Beach.
"RANCH, I WANT RANCH!" the voice shrieked with several puberty crackles throughout as I turned the corner. I was blinded at first as I was washed in what I thought must be beams from some fluorescent flood light. My pupils slowly adjusted and my vision began to focus. I realized that there was no floodlight and instead I found myself staring at the largest mass of human flesh I've ever encountered. It was a pale white like the moon and seemed to reflect every lumen of sunshine out from it like a sheeny mirror. The longer I stared the more that I could see that the tissue was almost transparent as I could make out blood vessels, veins, and arteries under the surface, it was as if it was some kind of white tinted gelatin. It was, here and there, covered by ill fitting, and soiled clothing. Blue shorts the size of a six person tent and a stained red shirt that could pass for a sail on a racing yacht.
"YOU'RE MAKING ME SO ANGY!" the voice continued. I shifted my gaze to the megafauna's face and was entranced by its hypnotizing, Medusa like, visage. It began with patchy, wiry, hair on the neck and jaw, and surrounding its maw, spattered here and there like feces speckles on the back of a toilet wall after a bout of explosive diarrhea. Despite being terrified I could not avert my eyes from his, they were eerily childlike and despite being furious he somehow looked happy...pleasantly content if you will. There he stood like some kind of descended archangel of obesity, bathed in his own light, and at the zenith of his righteous anger, prepared to enact his wrath on this poor slav. His cheery countenance, contrasted with his enraged behavior, was disconcerting to say the least. It was like some kind of uncanny valley. The hair on his head was not just greasy, that shit was greezy which is a whole nother level of grease. It stuck up in spots and was obviously cut at home, by the beast himself, with what I imagined must be a set industrial animal shears.
It began to shake its fists slowly, at first, and then rapidly. "
FEE-FI-FO-FUM" it bellowed, "
YOU SLAV NIGGERS ARE SO DUMB!". It raised its right hoof and stamped the ground. Window panes in nearby businesses shattered and electricity lines sparked on their poles. In the far off distance I could hear a baby begin to cry and women screaming. I stumbled to maintain my footing as it raised its left leg and slammed it in to the ground with more force than before. The asphalt beneath him cracked and the sky was filled with flocks of birds fleeing the city. The air was filled with an orchestra of car alarms and the slow building whine of air raid sirens.
The creature grunted, expelling air forcefully from its lungs. The wind it generated shook leaves from trees and cleared the street of litter. The vendors knelt and uttered quiet prayers in their queer orthodox manner and I myself prayed a silent Hail Mary. The monster lifted its arms slowly together at once as if preparing to say the Lord's Prayer and began its own incantation;
"JERSH-YE!" his elevated palms now in line with his hips,
"HA-ME" his hands now at shoulder level,
"HAAAAAAAAAAA!" as his palms met high above his head with a gargantuan thunder clap.
Time seemed to stop. His eyes glowed blue, then yellow, and then red. His face contorted in to a shit-eating grin as baked goods, napkins, styrofoam to-go trays, and leaves began to rise around him, floating in the air and slowly circling him. Sweat poured off the Lovecraftian monster like water off a snow covered roof on a warm Spring day. With each passing second more and more small items were drawn toward him and began their orbit which too became faster and faster. As his power grew I too started to feel its pull and fought with every muscle to resist it. I eventually broke free and ran for my life. It felt like I was pulling a 200lb sled behind me and was the most exhausting physical exercise I've ever endured. I saw patio furniture and debris of all kind fly through the air toward the singularity forming downtown. The worst I witnessed were the frail old people, skinny women, and children, sliding across the streets on their bellies and backs toward the monster as I made my arduous trek to safety. They screamed, God I will never forget their screams, but I could not help them. I eventually acquired a bicycle that through some luck had become stuck on a building at an odd angle and made a faster progress out of the city. When I finally reached Odessa's city limits the force began to fade and with that I collapsed.
I was discovered by a Ukrainian Army convoy that was hell bent on entering the city. I could barely muster a syllable as the stern, somber looking Soldiers rifled through my pockets. They found my American passport and threw me in a waiting ambulance. Their commander came to me right before the paramedics shut the doors. His thick slavic accent was barely intelligible. "
First Chernobyl, then Crimea, now this" he said, "
You must go back to America and tell them. Tell them of Ukraine". We stared at one another for a brief moment and he must have known that I understood, though I couldn't form a word. "
Me", he broke the stare and took a violent swig of vodka from a beaten flask he produced from beneath his heavy erverrcoat, "
I must fight" he turned and left the ambulance. The doors slammed together behind him and I lost consciousness again.
I never knew his name and I have never been able to fully understand what happened on that early summer morning in Odessa. Perhaps I was never meant to. All I can do is remember.
Remember and tell you.
