Don't rate this post autistic.
I trusted Null
I can pretty much trace my childhood and growth to adulthood alongside the sperging of Chris Chan/sonichu. It's funny how my maturation ended up paralleling that with Chris's growth as well. I guess I'm just blessed that by coincidence my birth happened at the exact time as Chris to make something like this even possible.
Wide eyed and excited, brash and sure of sonichu and video games in the world, I felt drawn to Chris like no other Autistic had ever drawn me before. A few years later I was a little more vulnerable, and understanding of my need for friendship and trust, just like Chris, and Chris and I were going through the same experiences in our lives.
I followed Chris and was rewarded for my trust with only the greatest lolcow to ever grace the internet. Bold, deep, mature, Chris was everything I was craving. The loss of Bob Chandler paralleled a deep personal loss I had experienced just prior IRL, and just like with Chris, I felt like Chris and I sort of got through the tough periods together.
This continued with Chris's Troon phase, and was a joyful reminder of youth and things past, and a sense that it was okay to recapture lost youth and even revel in it, even if its time was past.
Once again I came to Kiwifarms to pick up where Chris had left off. I would talk about how Chris mirrored my brash entry into a more adult world and relations with the opposite sex, and Troon Chris led to my understanding and acceptance of that other sex as a full time part in my life, but I just don't have the heart. My soul is crushed. I can't even think about talking about Chris right now I just can't.
I came to Kiwifarms to talk about Chris and not much else. I put my trust in Null, in Kiwifarms, in myself. That trust has been broken. I really don't know what I am feeling right now but it is unfamiliar. I'm angry, but it is more than that. Part of Kiwifarms was making a total commitment to the Farms, and being rewarded for that commitment with a barrage of emotions, feelings, and sensations that only a lolcow carefully crafted in a symbiotic relationship with a single user could provide. Now that Null has violated my trust, and this bond, it's not going to be the same this time.
I hate to say it, but it looks like I am going to have to forge a life on my own now, without Kiwifarms guiding me along. But right now, all I feel I can do is cry.
