Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Water-T]

Ten Ton Tess is definitely under pressure from Flabletics to show her pretending to model the clothes while pretending to exercise instead of trying them once in her room and that’s it. I remember her throwing a tantrum about it but if she wants more cake and weed money, she’s going to have to waddle to a Pilates gym once a month and pretend to do exercise. Tess considers this abusive behavior and gaslighting. Her life is so hard y’all

Good point. Wasn't Messy Tessy whining in January about "I resolve to not have to prove I work out to y'all!"?

Guess that went out the window when Flablestics told her that these were "workout" clothes, not "eating sheet cakes" clothes.

 

[AbraCadaver]

Those clothes ARE a miraculous device. They even wick away sweat from her hair! Nice dry curls on the back of her neck, impressive. Any woman who works out knows if you sweat, the ends of your hair touching your neck or shoulders is gonna be a soggy, stringy mess. Look in the mirror on her beetfaced pic...hair isn’t even sticking to her back, curls still bouncy.


Yeah her beet red face I think would be caused by just standing in a hot room and maybe walking about the room for three minutes, due to her size and likely high blood pressure. You know I could get that same red faced effect holding a hair dryer in front of my face for about 30 seconds. I think however she did SOME kind of exertion because her face and hands are red. But I doubt it was pilates. Where are the other, socially-disranced, mats for classmates? Did she have a one on one pilates instructor? You’d think she would nab the instructor to do her usual OMG BESTIES selfies.

Amazing how she has all this before and after footage from pilates, but oddly no actual video of her doing pilates. Incredible, since she never missed a chance to photograph herself actually working out when she went to that celebrity-adjacent gym and had a trainer put her through her paces.

I think Tess MIGHT have had a one on one sesh maybe, but didn’t film any of it because she just starfishes on the mat and gives the least amount of effort possible, plus her giant body had to be dying in a hot room. Even she knows her “workout” is performative and she doesn’t want to be called on it.

 

[Glitterz my spirit animal]

I’m intrigued by the fact that Anna and Tess claim to be the same size. I’d love to see them side by side. I know Anna would tower over Tess but I have a hard time seeing them putting on the same pants

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Those clothes ARE a miraculous device. They even wick away sweat from her hair! Nice dry curls on the back of her neck, impressive. Any woman who works out knows if you sweat, the ends of your hair touching your neck or shoulders is gonna be a soggy, stringy mess. Look in the mirror on her beetfaced pic...hair isn’t even sticking to her back, curls still bouncy.


Yeah her beet red face I think would be caused by just standing in a hot room and maybe walking about the room for three minutes, due to her size and likely high blood pressure. You know I could get that same red faced effect holding a hair dryer in front of my face for about 30 seconds. I think however she did SOME kind of exertion because her face and hands are red. But I doubt it was pilates. Where are the other, socially-disranced, mats for classmates? Did she have a one on one pilates instructor? You’d think she would nab the instructor to do her usual OMG BESTIES selfies.

Amazing how she has all this before and after footage from pilates, but oddly no actual video of her doing pilates. Incredible, since she never missed a chance to photograph herself actually working out when she went to that celebrity-adjacent gym and had a trainer put her through her paces.

I think Tess MIGHT have had a one on one sesh maybe, but didn’t film any of it because she just starfishes on the mat and gives the least amount of effort possible, plus her giant body had to be dying in a hot room. Even she knows her “workout” is performative and she doesn’t want to be called on it.

When it comes to Tess’s lies about diet and exercise, assume she puts in the absolute least amount of effort possible. A day-long guest or courtesy pass where she gets winded rolling out a Pilates mat and took a bunch of pictures is the likely extent of her “exercise” for the shoot. Expect her to oink and squeal about gaslighting and abuse even more than usual for a while because Flabletics didn’t back down after her thinly veiled callout last month.

 

[Polexia Aphrodisia]

It looks like she stuffed an exercise ball in those pants.

 

[Internet's Boyfriend]

It's time for Tess to pretend she regularly takes "hot pilates" and doesn't die of a heart attack.

While wearing flabletics!

Spoiler: Private "class"

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She looks like she has Down's Syndrome

 

[Flawmil]

Those clothes ARE a miraculous device. They even wick away sweat from her hair! Nice dry curls on the back of her neck, impressive. Any woman who works out knows if you sweat, the ends of your hair touching your neck or shoulders is gonna be a soggy, stringy mess. Look in the mirror on her beetfaced pic...hair isn’t even sticking to her back, curls still bouncy.


Yeah her beet red face I think would be caused by just standing in a hot room and maybe walking about the room for three minutes, due to her size and likely high blood pressure. You know I could get that same red faced effect holding a hair dryer in front of my face for about 30 seconds. I think however she did SOME kind of exertion because her face and hands are red. But I doubt it was pilates. Where are the other, socially-disranced, mats for classmates? Did she have a one on one pilates instructor? You’d think she would nab the instructor to do her usual OMG BESTIES selfies.

Amazing how she has all this before and after footage from pilates, but oddly no actual video of her doing pilates. Incredible, since she never missed a chance to photograph herself actually working out when she went to that celebrity-adjacent gym and had a trainer put her through her paces.

I think Tess MIGHT have had a one on one sesh maybe, but didn’t film any of it because she just starfishes on the mat and gives the least amount of effort possible, plus her giant body had to be dying in a hot room. Even she knows her “workout” is performative and she doesn’t want to be called on it.

She’s doing a private class obviously because it has to be tailored to her personally. She’s taken selfies with the teacher before and they are the only ones in the workout room.

 

[Oscar Winner]

She’s doing a private class obviously because it has to be tailored to her personally. She’s taken selfies with the teacher before and they are the only ones in the workout room.

Nah, she was just being shown around.

“IF you sign up for a class, this is where it'll be”

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Nah, she was just being shown around.

“IF you sign up for a class, this is where it'll be”

Agreed. She used to have one-on-one personal trainer sessions but that was a couple years and hundreds of champagne cakes ago. For a while she’d just stand by some stairs or on a sidewalk and she considered that good enough. Now she’s standing by a Pilates mat.

 

[Easy Peasy]

At least at one point she took photos at some rocks in long beach, or maybe up in san Luis Obispo on the way to get cake. She can't even be fucked to do that to get that fabletics check.

Even naomi Campbell, reputation and all, knows how to be professional Tess. You dont get to start out difficult or your career doesnt last too long, as you obviously know by now

 

[multiverse]

Tess is fatting around her apartment, with nowhere to go and no one to see 'cept Olly. California has outdoor dining and bars again, and Tess has no one left to call.


Olly, meanwhile, has changed her instagram name

 

[depression-and-cats]

Those clothes ARE a miraculous device. They even wick away sweat from her hair! Nice dry curls on the back of her neck, impressive. Any woman who works out knows if you sweat, the ends of your hair touching your neck or shoulders is gonna be a soggy, stringy mess. Look in the mirror on her beetfaced pic...hair isn’t even sticking to her back, curls still bouncy.


Yeah her beet red face I think would be caused by just standing in a hot room and maybe walking about the room for three minutes, due to her size and likely high blood pressure. You know I could get that same red faced effect holding a hair dryer in front of my face for about 30 seconds. I think however she did SOME kind of exertion because her face and hands are red. But I doubt it was pilates. Where are the other, socially-disranced, mats for classmates? Did she have a one on one pilates instructor? You’d think she would nab the instructor to do her usual OMG BESTIES selfies.

Amazing how she has all this before and after footage from pilates, but oddly no actual video of her doing pilates. Incredible, since she never missed a chance to photograph herself actually working out when she went to that celebrity-adjacent gym and had a trainer put her through her paces.

I think Tess MIGHT have had a one on one sesh maybe, but didn’t film any of it because she just starfishes on the mat and gives the least amount of effort possible, plus her giant body had to be dying in a hot room. Even she knows her “workout” is performative and she doesn’t want to be called on it.

Mild PL: I have worked out in classes with extremely obese people before. They tend to do a few reps of the exercise and then literally just sit to catch their breath, and repeat this pattern. They don’t realise that it’s a better workout to keep moving the whole time, even if you’re going very slowly or even just marching on the spot. So I could absolutely see Tess doing this, ultimately getting 1/5 of the actual workout, resulting in the red face but barely any sweat.

 

[Suzuki Beane]

Tess is fatting around her apartment, with nowhere to go and no one to see 'cept Olly. California has outdoor dining and bars again, and Tess has no one left to call.
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Olly, meanwhile, has changed her instagram name
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Olly needs to watch out, Looking at that body check, I think they’ve put on a little weight in the tummy and buttocks. Not a man’s fat distribution, either. No honest working man’s beer belly, those are budding lady curves. Olly’s arse didn’t get the memo...

It’d be hard, if not impossible to not gain weight living with a walrus... with the amount of food that must be continuously loaded on some kind of conveyor from the doorbell to the abyss, all day long.

 

[Miss Misery]

Tess is fatting around her apartment, with nowhere to go and no one to see 'cept Olly. California has outdoor dining and bars again, and Tess has no one left to call.
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Olly, meanwhile, has changed her instagram name
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Stay gold, dumbass.

 

[Water-T]

I’m intrigued by the fact that Anna and Tess claim to be the same size. I’d love to see them side by side. I know Anna would tower over Tess but I have a hard time seeing them putting on the same pants

The opposing gravitational forces would tear the fabric of time and space

 

[FuckDuckSeagull]

The opposing gravitational forces would tear the fabric of time and space

In Ryann's dreams. I honestly don't think Anna would want to work with her. Even a vapid marshmallow-brain like Anna can see through her. I mean, they use the same lies so she knows how full of shit Tess is.

 

[Poop Shoot]

Tess is fatting around her apartment

Honestly that's the most flattering outfit I've seen her wear in a while. It covers her ridiculous arms and doesn't squeeze her like a sausage casing.

 

[unwieldy_object]

In this case I believe her

 

[AbraCadaver]

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In this case I believe her

“Y’all gonna be SO in place, it’ll be like you never got off the couch, fam!”

e: words

 

[multiverse]

Tess is fatly sitting in her car, implying that she is thrilled to be in a fake lesbian relationship. Watch her try to hide her chins by extending her neck, and failing utterly.


Much moddle! It looks like the dress pattern has escaped and is running down her legs, like some reinterpretation of The Yellow Wallpaper. It isn't distracting from the design, not at all.


More implying that she is with someone new, take that Nick



More pilates? Ah, we're in the quarterly "I exercise allll the time, watch!" part of the Tess Cycle, where she pays a private trainer to hang about as she whines and mopes for a package of 6 sessions. Then she eats sheet cakes for three months and tries again. Somehow, pilates means she has to take a gratuitous shot of her horrifying fatbags.


Man, she's going all out with her attempt at a come back, with staged paparazzi shots and everything. Girl, you haven't been "papped" since your agency dropped you. Coincidentally, that's when the Daily Mail stopped covering your instagram posts. Hmmm...