Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

How much does Ryann weigh?

  • 300-350lbs (Panda Bear)

    Votes: 26 1.0%
  • 350-400lbs (Bull Caribou)

    Votes: 146 5.5%
  • 400-450lbs (Heart of a Blue Whale)

    Votes: 380 14.3%
  • 450-500lbs (Pigmy Hippo)

    Votes: 545 20.5%
  • 500-550lbs (Domestic Pig)

    Votes: 394 14.8%
  • 550-600lbs (Baby Grand Piano)

    Votes: 318 11.9%
  • 600-650lbs (Vending Machine)

    Votes: 192 7.2%
  • 650+ (A Fucking Planet)

    Votes: 661 24.8%

  • Total voters
    2,662
That's her stylists father. Tess is really good at insinuating herself into her friends families, at least until she fucks up and has to play the abused victim.
That's deeply weird. Not only did she put her stylist's elderly father on her insta, she gushed he was her best friend Johnnyyyyyyy. Yes, with 7 y's on his name and then a sunglasses smiley face emoji.

Was she stoned off her ass, or is Johnnyyyyyyy super rich and she's fishing? Probably not a bad idea to make Johnnyyyyyyy your BFF if he's loaded and you're a whore.

There's something increasingly creepy about Tess, and I don't mean the fat and the cringe lifestyle. I'm glad she's too lazy to become a serial killer.
 
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These popped up in the thread close to each other. She's got a fat girl face now. So much for the moddle face on the bopos woman.
 
LOLOLOLOL

"THIS QUESTION IS INVASIVE!" says the living landmass that shares every detail of her life, including her fuckathon with Nick and video of her getting Botox injected in her face.

Tess is big mad about this question for several reasons: 1. It implies that her face is fat enough to need lipo (I mean, just look at that photo if you need further proof) and 2. lipo doesn't work on the face like it does on the ass and stomach. Otherise, our gorl would already have gotten it to restore her whale-like countenance to her 2015 glory days.

This is all made even more amusing by the fact that Tess posted that photo as a way to say. "SEE? I DO NOT NEED FAT SUCKED FROM MY FACE! LOOK AT THIS GREASY DEWY SKIN AND MY TOTALLY NOT BOTHERED EXPRESSION!"
 
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These popped up in the thread close to each other. She's got a fat girl face now. So much for the moddle face on the bopos woman.
Exactly! That's why I thought she may have chosen to get lip fillers. Bigger lips kinda trick you on first glance that her face isn't as fat.

Edited for clarity
 
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If we're going to be discussing her 'going under the knife' she's already a fucking liar because she also had gallbladder surgery. But we already knew she was a liar.

Why does anyone go to her for advice?Like, surely she isn't the best of the deathfats, her skin is terrible.

Tess will never write another book. If she really wanted to, there are options, but it'd require effort.

If she actually thinks the podcast world is dominated by cis men, that says more about her than about podcasters, because it's not at all difficult to find multiple just like hers that are featured on sites like Stitcher and Spotify.

Can she go one day without bitching about her kids?
Also, posts every detail about her life, does an AMA, but that question was invasive?
She's done this before, it's just her way of saying she doesn't like the question because it's too damning.
Nick was so toxic she still hasn't changed back to her maiden name, or anything but his name. (this has bugged me for ages..)
Okay, in fairness, she did have a kid with him. Most people I know who got divorced didn't change their last name unless/until they remarried if they had a kid.

What would she even go by now? Would she revert to Tess Munster?
There's something increasingly creepy about Tess, and I don't mean the fat and the cringe lifestyle. I'm glad she's too lazy to become a serial killer.
She never gave me serial killer vibes, but grooming? She's absolutely capable of that. I'm very, very worried for Bowie and Rylee.
 
Awarded you "Winner" for what you endured to produce that round up.
I have some questions after going through that lot:
th1. Why is her chest so pale on one side, and so much darker on the other?
th3. Nice pores for such "amazing" skin. Also, posts every detail about her life, does an AMA, but that question was invasive?
th4. Nick was so toxic she still hasn't changed back to her maiden name, or anything but his name. (this has bugged me for ages..)
th6. I feel like IF she had been dating anyone, whether by accident or design, there would be photo proof posted somewhere by someone.
th8. Favourite foods? All of them. Running on to th9. Does she celebrate herself everyday with cakes?

I've also been wondering if she started getting lip fillers to balance out her face as she got bigger. She'd look quite different without them.

I probably sound like an arsehole, but I'm posting this anyway.
She’d never get rid of the name Holliday because she thinks it sounds classy and Hollywood Golden Age.

Also fucking lol at Tess being pig mad that her last publishers didn’t “support her enough.” Not to PL but that’s a very common complaint of terrible writers in publishing, the ones who don’t get a second book deal ever.

“My publisher didn’t support me enough” translates to “my book did not sell at all and I am embarrassed, so I will claim it wasn’t advertised or marketed enough. My stupid publisher was too busy playing unfair favourites with books that people actually fucking want to buy.”

Every lousy writer with lousy sales claims it was because there wasn’t enough advertising or media booking or promotional effort. Nah Tess, it’s cuz no one wanted yer fucking shite book.
 
If we're going to be discussing her 'going under the knife' she's already a fucking liar because she also had gallbladder surgery. But we already knew she was a liar.

"Under the knife" usually refers to cosmetic surgery, especially in the context of someone talking about other cosmetic procedures. Tess is not claiming that she's never had surgery of any kind, only that she's never had a more extreme/invasive type of cosmetic procedure.
In other words, if I say I've "only had botox, never gone under the knife", it means I've never had a facelift, nosejob, etc. It does not mean "I've never even had my tonsils removed!" or whatever, because that's irrelevant and nobody cares.
 
She never gave me serial killer vibes, but grooming? She's absolutely capable of that. I'm very, very worried for Bowie and Rylee.
Even if she never crosses over into grooming her sons for CSA, she definitely has/will engage in parentification with them as a way to satisfy her own emotional needs. Mother-son emotional incest is super common and I can see Bowie, especially now when he is still young and somewhat more biddable than Rylee, serving as Tess’ emotional support animal.
 
"Under the knife" usually refers to cosmetic surgery, especially in the context of someone talking about other cosmetic procedures. Tess is not claiming that she's never had surgery of any kind, only that she's never had a more extreme/invasive type of cosmetic procedure.
In other words, if I say I've "only had botox, never gone under the knife", it means I've never had a facelift, nosejob, etc. It does not mean "I've never even had my tonsils removed!" or whatever, because that's irrelevant and nobody cares.
she did say “except for my c-sections”, so she is using this term in the context of general surgery here, but I agree it’s not relevant to bring up her gallbladder surgery as a “gotcha” for why she’s lying here. But we all know she is a liar who would do any procedure, cosmetic, surgical or digital, to make herself look less fat and more attractive, which is why she gets so offended at the rumor because she knows it’s in line with her nature.
 
"Under the knife" usually refers to cosmetic surgery, especially in the context of someone talking about other cosmetic procedures. Tess is not claiming that she's never had surgery of any kind, only that she's never had a more extreme/invasive type of cosmetic procedure.
I know what it means, but clearly she doesn't. Let me rephrase. If 'going under the knife'='getting surgery of any type', she's lying, because she's also had gallbladder surgery.

So now for the real question: has she had work done beyond lip fillers and Botox? It's hard for me to wrap my head around her being this ugly in spite of plastic surgery, but I'm open to it.
 
she is on a roll with bullshit lately.
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Gosh, she would just LOVE to have another "book" ghostwritten for her, if only some publishing company would really support her this time. Can you believe that her last publisher only gave her an enormous advance and a cross-country book tour with a shitton of signings and talk shows lined up for publicity? She needs REAL support this time!
 
Gosh, she would just LOVE to have another "book" ghostwritten for her, if only some publishing company would really support her this time. Can you believe that her last publisher only gave her an enormous advance and a cross-country book tour with a shitton of signings and talk shows lined up for publicity? She needs REAL support this time!
Maybe the problem was that last time she actually had to do *some* writing.
 
The John might've requested the post on her insta as a BFF. I'd expect her Johns are extra weird.


Maybe the make up team put bronzer on her boobs, but not between or under them?


Keeping Nicks name is a constant reminder to everyone that a man married her. She believes that's a big marker of achievement for a mega fat, former single mom. The obese single moms in her trashy hometown aren't going to find husbands, but sexy, successful Tess did!

Also Hoven and Munster sound like the most trailer park-iest of trailer park names. Well--and Munster--might leave a phantom whiff of gunt and toe cheese in the reader (or sayer's) nose. But Holliday is soooooo glamorous! Like Polly Holliday--so kiss her grits!

Her fucking attitude STINKS worse than I suspect her feet do. Makes me really wonder if ANY person she's come in contact with (industry wise) has rattled any sabers at her regarding her shitty attitude and outlook. Moddles are supposed to BE FRIENDLY and PERSONABLE. You are selling a lifestyle and a fantasy. And Ryann Hoven will never ever come close to getting the work, fame, and reach of Naomi Campbell, so she really needs to LOSE the CUNT-itude. It didn't work for Naomi. It definitely won't work for a smelly, pitted skin, morbidly obese JOKE like Ryann.

I am at a complete LOSS as to how and why she hasn't been canceled yet?? There HAS to be several other younger, prettier, and NICER obese girls deserving of Ryann's golden chance.
 
Also Hoven and Munster sound like the most trailer park-iest of trailer park names. Well--and Munster--might leave a phantom whiff of gunt and toe cheese in the reader (or sayer's) nose. But Holliday is soooooo glamorous! Like Polly Holliday--so kiss her grits!

Her fucking attitude STINKS worse than I suspect her feet do. Makes me really wonder if ANY person she's come in contact with (industry wise) has rattled any sabers at her regarding her shitty attitude and outlook. Moddles are supposed to BE FRIENDLY and PERSONABLE. You are selling a lifestyle and a fantasy. And Ryann Hoven will never ever come close to getting the work, fame, and reach of Naomi Campbell, so she really needs to LOSE the CUNT-itude. It didn't work for Naomi. It definitely won't work for a smelly, pitted skin, morbidly obese JOKE like Ryann.

I am at a complete LOSS as to how and why she hasn't been canceled yet?? There HAS to be several other younger, prettier, and NICER obese girls deserving of Ryann's golden chance.
I agree with you, but Tess hasn't been getting any REAL modeling work, has she? No catalogs or editorial anywhere, just freebies for friends and payments in ice cream?
Has she ever shown off her portfolio? Does she even HAVE one?

And having a nasty attitude doesn't really keep you from getting work, as long as you show up and DO the work.
Naomi Campbell has been fired and rehired by numerous agencies over the years.
It just stops her from keeping maids and personal assistants. Just make sure she doesn't have a phone in her hand when you speak to her and it will all be good.
 
Gosh, she would just LOVE to have another "book" ghostwritten for her, if only some publishing company would really support her this time. Can you believe that her last publisher only gave her an enormous advance and a cross-country book tour with a shitton of signings and talk shows lined up for publicity? She needs REAL support this time!
She needs some Playtex.
 
I agree with you, but Tess hasn't been getting any REAL modeling work, has she? No catalogs or editorial anywhere, just freebies for friends and payments in ice cream?
Has she ever shown off her portfolio? Does she even HAVE one?

And having a nasty attitude doesn't really keep you from getting work, as long as you show up and DO the work.
Naomi Campbell has been fired and rehired by numerous agencies over the years.
It just stops her from keeping maids and personal assistants. Just make sure she doesn't have a phone in her hand when you speak to her and it will all be good.
Someone forgot to tell her that she can only pull her primadonna bullshit at a certain level, and only as long as it is tolerable for clients. Meaning it should not result in harming the production, increasing unreasonably the costs (by lying about Your sizes for example) and being an all around bitch, who likes to kick dirt after you.

Also people within the profession talk to eachother, so when you treat the makeup artist like garbage, they will tell it. Not necessarily on the internet, but to her friend who is a makeup artist as well, who may tell it to her friend, who is a photographer, who tells it in turn to her best friend who is an artdirector... So, when you get a reputation of being an unrelieable, unprofessional bitch, who also has become too fat for even plus size fashion and can't stand or move in any way, you are done. No one is unreplaceable.

Okay, even if someone would have told that to Tess, she would have given a dumb bratty answer, a clownface and run off to the Madonna Inn for cake, while simultaneously reeeeing on Instagram about fatphobia in the fashion industry.
 
Someone forgot to tell her that she can only pull her primadonna bullshit at a certain level, and only as long as it is tolerable for clients. Meaning it should not result in harming the production, increasing unreasonably the costs (by lying about Your sizes for example) and being an all around bitch, who likes to kick dirt after you.

Also people within the profession talk to eachother, so when you treat the makeup artist like garbage, they will tell it. Not necessarily on the internet, but to her friend who is a makeup artist as well, who may tell it to her friend, who is a photographer, who tells it in turn to her best friend who is an artdirector... So, when you get a reputation of being an unrelieable, unprofessional bitch, who also has become too fat for even plus size fashion and can't stand or move in any way, you are done. No one is unreplaceable.

Okay, even if someone would have told that to Tess, she would have given a dumb bratty answer, a clownface and run off to the Madonna Inn for cake, while simultaneously reeeeing on Instagram about fatphobia in the fashion industry.
Yep.
Someone like Naomi or Linda Evangelista my be bitchy, but they show up, the size they claim they are in their books, get the job done, and can walk the runway like no other. They can sell the clothes, makeup, haircare, etc. There's reasons why major companies and designers used those ladies for years.

Tess just waggles her fat boobs and thinks she's ANS, and I don't want to buy anything she's hawking.
 
So now for the real question: has she had work done beyond lip fillers and Botox? It's hard for me to wrap my head around her being this ugly in spite of plastic surgery, but I'm open to it.
plastic surgery sperg ahead:

Hard to know for sure, but there are so many non-surgical tweaks they can do now and my guess is Tess has done a lot more than just botox and lip fillers.. A friend of mine owns a med spa, and there is not only botox (which can go in forehead, chin, areas around the mouth to prevent frowning) there are the fillers which soften nasolabial folds, plump up cheeks (she’s done that) plump up lips (obviously that) and fill in hollow areas like temples, etc.

You can get vampire facial where the use your own blood plasma with micro needling to rebuild skin. There are lasers that remove fine lines, capillaries, other skin marks; others like ultherapy that can remove/soften neck wattles and chest wrinkles, tighten loose skin and form collegen. There is cool sculpting that can be done on your entire body to get rid of fat or loose skin (small areas, not like Tess has.) There are injections like Sculptra that can rebuild collegen in the neck and face so you age slower. There are so many my friend is always going to conferences to learn about them.

And, there are non-surgical facelifts-not the botox/filler kind, but threadlifts that will tighten your face in an afternoon and other new procedures. Too many to count. I don’t know if she would consider a one inch cut and a bit of bruising “going under the knife”. My guess is Tess goes regularly to get anything done she can that is not under the knife.

I also wouldn’t put it past her to do a real surgical procedure, but these days they can keep you looking pretty good without them until your 60s, as you see in many movie stars. It’s not like the old days when you hit 50 and had a face/brow/neck lift and ended up looking like Joan Rivers. Most women are fine just keeping themselves looking good for their age but I can see Tess freaking out over any wrinkle.

Botox done right will not prevent a person from making facial movements. You should be able to raise your brows, show surprise, all that. But when your face is at rest it won’t automatically fall into an expression that causes wrinkles. The old fashioned way was to freeze everything in place, but that’s not the way it’s done now by somebody good. But Tess has a bad injector who overfills her. To me, her forehead looks ok in pictures and she’s never been able to show emotions, but if it’s not moving when she talks it’s done wrong. And her lips have always been terrible. Fillers disappear after a year or two, but the lip is a delicate area and she’s been overfilling for years. She’s going to destroy the vermillion border and she’ll always have to over line.

But there is a LOT of money in learning to give these injections.:). And it costs a lot to continually get them: thousands. Probably more in Southern California. I think Tess got it free once but has been paying ever since. And that money comes from somewhere, and it isn’t leggings or a podcast.
 
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