Should get an evolved form called Divorcee Boogie with a special ability to consume THOT cards for clout and one attack, Dog Posting.
There is unironically a lot of Magic Set Editor ideas to create an entire Boogie "tribe" in MtG parlance.
Maybe explaining this with a non-Abrahamic religion would get through the fedora.
Every religion, everyone worth a damn, accepts that this life is full of suffering. Christ suffering is God suffering with us. For a giga brain fedora lord he sure doesn't know anything about religion.