Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[DogshitTaco]

One of my friends who works for the local ambulance became good friends with one of her co-workers. The focus of this is his uncle, who is known as sort of a "frequent flyer" by the ambulance squad. In case you don't know, "frequent flyers" are basically people who get ambulance rides to the hospital when it's not warranted, faking or exaggerating symptoms. His usual complaint is chest pains and after they did every test imaginable on him, they couldn't find anything that would explain them. This last time, they finally threatened to put him in a nursing home and he's since ceased the calls. This guy is in his mid to late 50's, but looks a little older and frail. He utilizes a walker to get around, but we found out he's doing that for sympathy points and attention because he slipped up a few times and we caught him walking normal with no assistance from it. I kind of wish things ended there, but they don't.

A few months ago, his nephew made the huge mistake of bringing him over to my friends' house to visit. They're a married couple with 3 kids, so even though their house is decent sized, there isn't enough room for an extra head unless the basement was utilized as living quarters. I'll get to why I'm explaining this in a bit.

Things went well the first month and a half or so. He'd come over to my friends' house with his nephew, the co-worker, once in awhile to visit. Then it started escalating and he was coming over with him all the time and eventually, on his own. Now it's gotten to the point where he's over every day, usually after 2 P.M. because he doesn't wake up until around that time. He'd lived with the nephew and his grandmother, despite having a house of his own, but was kicked out when one of the aunts stepped in and intervened. Apparently, all he did was lay on the couch all day and ruled over the television with an iron fist and the grandmother got sick of it. His eviction is mostly why the visiting habits changed. He was expressing his desire to move in with my friends, despite the short time they've known him and he didn't see anything strange about this. They declined, telling him they hardly know him and they don't have room anyway. He's claimed things around the house as "his"; "his" chair he usually sits on at the kitchen table, "his" dog which belongs to the kids, etc. He bathes once a month, if that, and up until about a week ago, he had been wearing the same clothes for that long. He's malodorous and if he has to let out a fart, he doesn't give a shit about the circumstances, he'll let it rip without shame. And he never has anything of value to talk about--95% of the time, all he does is talk shit about his nephew when he's not around. He seems to get real jealous if he comes over and finds the nephew visiting before he gets there.

Whew! I didn't really want to make this TL; DR and I apologize for that, but I figured this asshole deserved to be put in this thread and this is my first time making a post like this about someone, trying to describe things without going into excessive detail. My friends put up with this on a daily basis, and we're all kind of wondering how to deal with the situation. We all live in a small town where everyone basically knows one another and if he were told to fuck off or something, we kind of fear he'd go around town and drag their name through the mud in retaliation. We don't know who/if he even talks to anyone around here, but it's just kind of a weird situation that doesn't really seem to have a right answer at the moment. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? We kind of came to the conclusion that calling the cops won't accomplish anything--all they'll do is give advice we already know on how to get rid of him and it seems like overkill to involve the cops anyway. He's not really harmful or harassing, just a weird, stinky dumbass who's worn out his welcome.

 

[AnOminous]

He's not really harmful or harassing, just a weird, stinky dumbass who's worn out his welcome.

To be a lolcow, he has to produce lols.

It is your literal duty to milk this cow. Otherwise you're just a bitch!

 

[DogshitTaco]

To be a lolcow, he has to produce lols.

It is your literal duty to milk this cow. Otherwise you're just a bitch!

I respectfully disagree, sir. This cow may not produce any lols on his own, but there are a few on here with threads of their own who are actually beneath him in this regard. Nick Bate comes to mind, for example.

That being said, do you have any ideas on how this cow can possibly be milked? I fear we may not have the proper milking machine that would fit his udders.

 

[sm0t]

This seems to be a fairly common thing in RPGs, where an intimate partner of the GM is given absurd bonuses.
It even has a TvTropes article.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DungeonmastersGirlfriend

I've heard horror stories about this type of player, I guess I never thought I would encounter one myself.

I guess one thing that sets her apart from a lot of DM Girlfriends is that she had been playing DnD for about 15 years (or so she claims). Still doesn't explain why she made such a special snowflake godmoder character besides "because she can."

Also, my husband told me that he spoke with DM and DMGF at work today, and informed me that DMGF made a new character for the campaign.

A level 20 "Ancient Vampire."

 

[Adamska]

I just wouldn't even bother honestly, since online makes finding game partners far easier than in the old days. But then again, I'm not the type that usually tries to scratch games; it's just not in my personality.

 

[unfer]

Was recently linked to this online fighting game ragequit spectacular. Searched around and don't think it's been linked on the farms yet? Please note, the uploader isn't the speaker - he merely recorded the salty goodness for all to see.

SUPER SALTY RAGEQUIT II: HYPER SPERGING

Apparently in the aftermath he nuked his twitch and twitter accounts, rofl. Bit of a heifer!

 

[Ruin]

Besides here I hang out on 4Chans /LGBT/ board. mtfgen started becoming saturated with assholes so most non idiots migrated to trans lesbian general because a sympathetic janitor did a really good job of moderating it and people could actually talk about vidya and stuff instead of Tumblr shit. A few months ago a certain tripfag showed up and started flooding the page with Tumblr tier personal drama and starting fights with other posters. Nothing special about that but then multiple other trips started showing up and arguing with this person or defending her in the same strange mix of Tumblr talk and personal attacks. It took everyone a while to realize that this was one person who made an army of sockpuppets to argue with herself on a message board. Currently she has about 30 personalities arguing with each other and shitting up the board. It's like tranny Dante's Inferno.

 

[Hyperion]

You promoted fucking Alan Pardew?

I'll see you fuckers in hell.

 

[theobservdr]

There were a few guys at my high school they didn't get internet famous, but were lolcows in a sense most notably was Dave

Dave was well dumb, but he of course knew better, he wasn't like as bad as Chris-Chan nor was he as bad as JustinRPG. Dave always got picked on for some unknown reason, but he also picked fights with people as well, he always had some dumb schemes and plans.

One scheme he had was I think Victoria Day weekend unsure if 2001 or 2002, my buddy Jake and Dave were waiting for the bus, some other guys were waiting there as well, and they both know Dave... So one thing was that Dave mentioned about smuggling alcohol into one of the provincial parks.

Jake told Dave "Uh Dave, you don't drink"

Dave was like "Fuck you I don't drink, I drink wine coolers"

everyone just laughed at him

Years later he met a girl named Kelly so yea , this is where this Chris-Chan comes in, a week later after meeting Kelly, Dave wanted to marry her.

There are quite a few stories about him, one where I think he was working somewhere on a farm, for some reason he was to move a small pickup truck, mind you he didn't have a license, he somehow ended up messing up the transmission. There was another one where he let out some horses and got in shit for it ,but the details are sketchy on that

If he actually applied himself he probably wouldn't be a lolcow

 

[ManicPixieDreamGirl]

One of my friends who works for the local ambulance became good friends with one of her co-workers. The focus of this is his uncle, who is known as sort of a "frequent flyer" by the ambulance squad. In case you don't know, "frequent flyers" are basically people who get ambulance rides to the hospital when it's not warranted, faking or exaggerating symptoms. His usual complaint is chest pains and after they did every test imaginable on him, they couldn't find anything that would explain them. This last time, they finally threatened to put him in a nursing home and he's since ceased the calls. This guy is in his mid to late 50's, but looks a little older and frail. He utilizes a walker to get around, but we found out he's doing that for sympathy points and attention because he slipped up a few times and we caught him walking normal with no assistance from it. I kind of wish things ended there, but they don't.

A few months ago, his nephew made the huge mistake of bringing him over to my friends' house to visit. They're a married couple with 3 kids, so even though their house is decent sized, there isn't enough room for an extra head unless the basement was utilized as living quarters. I'll get to why I'm explaining this in a bit.

Things went well the first month and a half or so. He'd come over to my friends' house with his nephew, the co-worker, once in awhile to visit. Then it started escalating and he was coming over with him all the time and eventually, on his own. Now it's gotten to the point where he's over every day, usually after 2 P.M. because he doesn't wake up until around that time. He'd lived with the nephew and his grandmother, despite having a house of his own, but was kicked out when one of the aunts stepped in and intervened. Apparently, all he did was lay on the couch all day and ruled over the television with an iron fist and the grandmother got sick of it. His eviction is mostly why the visiting habits changed. He was expressing his desire to move in with my friends, despite the short time they've known him and he didn't see anything strange about this. They declined, telling him they hardly know him and they don't have room anyway. He's claimed things around the house as "his"; "his" chair he usually sits on at the kitchen table, "his" dog which belongs to the kids, etc. He bathes once a month, if that, and up until about a week ago, he had been wearing the same clothes for that long. He's malodorous and if he has to let out a fart, he doesn't give a shit about the circumstances, he'll let it rip without shame. And he never has anything of value to talk about--95% of the time, all he does is talk shit about his nephew when he's not around. He seems to get real jealous if he comes over and finds the nephew visiting before he gets there.

Whew! I didn't really want to make this TL; DR and I apologize for that, but I figured this asshole deserved to be put in this thread and this is my first time making a post like this about someone, trying to describe things without going into excessive detail. My friends put up with this on a daily basis, and we're all kind of wondering how to deal with the situation. We all live in a small town where everyone basically knows one another and if he were told to fuck off or something, we kind of fear he'd go around town and drag their name through the mud in retaliation. We don't know who/if he even talks to anyone around here, but it's just kind of a weird situation that doesn't really seem to have a right answer at the moment. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? We kind of came to the conclusion that calling the cops won't accomplish anything--all they'll do is give advice we already know on how to get rid of him and it seems like overkill to involve the cops anyway. He's not really harmful or harassing, just a weird, stinky dumbass who's worn out his welcome.

Something about your post haunted me long enough to respond with my thoughts. I read this on the first day that you posted it.

I know that you're afraid of him dragging anyone's name through the mud, but more likely than not, his name is already coated in thick layers of fecal matter.

Seriously, though; everything that you've told us about this guy - the lack of boundaries, shit-talking about others (ESPECIALLY family), the inappropriate/imposing behaviors, smelling bad, having a history of getting kicked out of his FAMILY's house for hide rudeness, choosing to live with said family despite having a house, his need to be recognized, feigning illness, etc. - tells me that he probably has a bad reputation already and shows a high likelihood to make life less pleasant than it should be for those around him. Don't be afraid of telling him off for being entirely unreasonable and rude. Being old isn't an excuse to act like an asshole for prolonged periods of time. Even if he DOES have deepseated psychological issues, that's not your problem. This is some guy whom you've just met. No one owes him a thing. Hell, feel free to just leave him at the front door while they go about their lives. If he complains about being lonely, then tell him to A.) stop acting in repulsive ways or B.) get a life.

In small towns, everyone knows everyone. Based on his obnoxious behavior, I'm willing to bet that the majority of the town knows him and sees him as a nuisance at best. I recommend being as blunt and straight-forward as possible when telling him to fuck off in whatever way you choose.

Now that I think about it, lolcows often flourish in small towns because everything and everyone is far more familiar with them and vice versa, so self-awareness goes down the drain. Consider asking around, even ... The milk will be very worth it. Also, don't forget to share it with us.

 

[DogshitTaco]

Something about your post haunted me long enough to respond with my thoughts. I read this on the first day that you posted it.

I know that you're afraid of him dragging anyone's name through the mud, but more likely than not, his name is already coated in thick layers of fecal matter.

Seriously, though; everything that you've told us about this guy - the lack of boundaries, shit-talking about others (ESPECIALLY family), the inappropriate/imposing behaviors, smelling bad, having a history of getting kicked out of his FAMILY's house for hide rudeness, choosing to live with said family despite having a house, his need to be recognized, feigning illness, etc. - tells me that he probably has a bad reputation already and shows a high likelihood to make life less pleasant than it should be for those around him. Don't be afraid of telling him off for being entirely unreasonable and rude. Being old isn't an excuse to act like an asshole for prolonged periods of time. Even if he DOES have deepseated psychological issues, that's not your problem. This is some guy whom you've just met. No one owes him a thing. Hell, feel free to just leave him at the front door while they go about their lives. If he complains about being lonely, then tell him to A.) stop acting in repulsive ways or B.) get a life.

In small towns, everyone knows everyone. Based on his obnoxious behavior, I'm willing to bet that the majority of the town knows him and sees him as a nuisance at best. I recommend being as blunt and straight-forward as possible when telling him to fuck off in whatever way you choose.

Now that I think about it, lolcows often flourish in small towns because everything and everyone is far more familiar with them and vice versa, so self-awareness goes down the drain. Consider asking around, even ... The milk will be very worth it. Also, don't forget to share it with us.

Thank you very much for your thoughts! Strangely enough, a few days after I posted this, it was my friend's (the hubby) birthday. He (the retard) went over to the house unannounced, as usual, and they were getting ready to leave because they had plans to dine out to celebrate. Consequently, they told him he had to leave and he got pissed off, saying something like "I walk all the way over here and you guys kick me out! I see how it is! I knew you guys didn't want me here!" or something to that effect. Hubby tells him "Hey, my family planned this for my birthday." Retard goes "Whatever! Have a nice birthday!", and stormed off. He hasn't been back since, so fingers crossed.

I had expressed to my friends at one point that I was getting so fed up, I'D say something if they didn't, but they talked me out of it due to fear of retaliation. He ACTS weak, but I'm certain he's capable of say, smashing out some windows or something as "revenge". There's not many lols to be had with this cow, but he has a disturbing amount of lolcow traits like being stupid and delusional. Is there a "Personal Horrorcow" thread here?

Again, I appreciate your input @ManicPixieDreamGirl. If he does start showing up again, I think I'll try to apply your advice myself. But I'll do it in such a way where I'll take all the heat from him, away from my friends.

 

[Adamska]

If he smashes the windows or something like that, then he only hurts himself because that can get him in trouble with da law honestly. I can't see him as being threatening, since he just sounds like an old fat guy who can only bluff and who likely is the town joke for being this pathetic.

 

[KingQueen]

Man, I was trying to think of a way to update my personal cow without revealing anything about myself, but they're just so much less of a shitbag than some of the big ones here. A delusional self-absorbed trainwreck, but mostly just sad. I guess I'll hold out and pray for rain. (Though here was the fun "i donkt post nudes / here's nudes" thing...)

 

[Bork Laser]

Buckle up guys because today we are gonna talk about Chris and the christmas party.

Now as you all know. Chris loves to make an ass of himself but its always someone else fault. Whether its the three same people who have conspired against him or a restaurant his company went too, its never his fault.

You'll recall i mentioned he got kicked out of his companies Christmas party. I haven't found the full details till now. Apparently chris and his coworkers went to a really upscale diner. Chris starts off the night by seeing theirs not enough room at the table for everyone. Instead of asking a waiter to add another table, Chris instead clears off an empty table and like a full retard, carries it across the restaurant embarrassing his entire job.

The owner tells him not to do that but is generally just miffed. Chris orders some chicken for dinner and complains that he could cook a better chicken to himself. The real hit comes is when everyone is drinking. Now Chris cannot handle his alcohol at all. You throw him a strawberry daiquiri and he is gone for the night. He must have been drinking something stronger and thus infront of his coworkers and a full restaurant, Chris pukes himself. A source of mine also said he sharted himself but I don't know if I believe that. Either way, with a shirt stained in vomit and pants full of shit, the manager of the place has enough and kicks him out.

Like a true blue man with autism, chris forgets everything in his tantrum. He's too busy yelling that he forgets his coat and phone. Keep in mind this is a few days before Christmas and it was cold as hell last year. Stuck outside, Chris tries to get let back in but smelling of vomit and shit, the manager tells him to go fuck himself. In his own words Chris wanted to punch him but decided to "sit down and shut up". He waits for his coworkers to finish having fun, no doubt relieved that the tard is away from them and they bring him stuff and he finally heads home.

And thus ends Chris's Christmas story. But don't worry, his Christmas was ruined too when he actually failed to get with the girl of dreams...who was currently in a relationship since the summer at that time.

 

[DogshitTaco]

If he smashes the windows or something like that, then he only hurts himself because that can get him in trouble with da law honestly. I can't see him as being threatening, since he just sounds like an old fat guy who can only bluff and who likely is the town joke for being this pathetic.

You'd think so, right Adamska? Truth is, he's actually quite skinny and he acts weak, but that's just for pity points and attention like his bogus ambulance calls. Like I said before, there were a few times he slipped up and we caught him walking normal without the walker he always has. We have a theory he's doing this to milk the disability checks he receives. He's in his early 50's, if I remember correctly, but he acts like he's in his fucking 80's or something. And regarding the law in my town, well, there's a running joke around the community. People call this place "Hazzard County" because most of the cops are not only incompetent imbeciles, but there's disturbing rumors about naughty shit they do themselves. That "Hazzard County" thing is a "Dukes of Hazzard" reference for the uninitiated. One of the deputies is notorious for going into work hung-over almost every Monday.

In the past few days, I've learned that there's a few other people in town aware of his antics, so that's kind of promising I guess...

 

[tomgirl4life]

I just remembered someone I used to follow who actually got kinda famous for a couple weeks, "Claire Elizabeth Fields Cruise". I can't remember how I found her, but her myspace was a mess of crazy. She went on and on about how she was born as triplets in a testtube in the 1930s, then she was frozen but her eggs were stolen from her and used to create both Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise (in addition to others), that she was married to both of them and produced several children for both. She obtained some level of infamy when Michael Jackson died because she filed papers in court seeking guardianship of his kids.

A lot of crazys ended up showing their heads during the aftermath claiming to be his wife/mother/baby mama.

EDIT: Just looked her up again, she's now going by Claire Elisabeth Elliott and is running for president. And holy shit is this rabbit hole getting deep. May have to make a thread for this woman.

 

[DavidFerrie]

I just remembered someone I used to follow who actually got kinda famous for a couple weeks, "Claire Elizabeth Fields Cruise". I can't remember how I found her, but her myspace was a mess of crazy. She went on and on about how she was born as triplets in a testtube in the 1930s, then she was frozen but her eggs were stolen from her and used to create both Michael Jackson and Tom Cruise (in addition to others), that she was married to both of them and produced several children for both. She obtained some level of infamy when Michael Jackson died because she filed papers in court seeking guardianship of his kids.

A lot of crazys ended up showing their heads during the aftermath claiming to be his wife/mother/baby mama.

EDIT: Just looked her up again, she's now going by Claire Elisabeth Elliott and is running for president. And holy shit is this rabbit hole getting deep. May have to make a thread for this woman.

Check out her LinkedIn profile.
She's crazier than a shithouse rat.

 

[tomgirl4life]

Check out her LinkedIn profile.
She's crazier than a shithouse rat.

Looked at it last night, she's completely nuts. She apparently just wrote her linkedin profile a week ago. She also has been apparently banned from joining Scientology (they stopped a test she was doing and gave her a refund because she was an "Illegal Pre-clear") and claims that she is the rightful leader, as L Ron Hubbard was one of her biological fathers.

Spoiler: crazy letter to "All of Scientology"

My letter to all of Scientology
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=95343250&blogID=173049162
Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Claire Elliott Fields
8803 Sunset Boulevard, #215
Hollywood, CA 90046
323-551-7339 phone
deptofem...@gmail.com

Mr. Erin Rusnak

HAS (Hubbard Communication Office Area Secretary)
4810 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90027
URGENT

September 26, 2006

Dear Mr. Rusnak,

After finishing the entire Volunteer Minister Course in under three
weeks and delivering my most mesmerizing speech at graduation on Friday,
September 1st, your Ethics Department so rudely pulled me away from all
festivities to promptly label me an ILLEGAL PRE-CLEAR. Not even being
allowed to continue with the Personal Efficiency Course I had just
begun, I had to be given a prompt refund and be immediately escorted
from the premises on Saturday, September 2nd. All to the great shock of
everyone who knows me at LA Foundation.

Before I can even step one foot back into the building that houses LA
Foundation or any other Scientology organization anywhere in the world,
I must first connect with what is called a "field group" and complete
whatever "procedure" this field group prescribes to me. Only after
dutifully taking such a prescription will I then be allowed to
"petition" to come back to your org.

The only problem with such an emergency medical plan of action is that,
as of yet, still have I not received even one name or phone number of
any "field group" contact. This despite all my numerous calls put in to
your Ethics Department… all unreturned, 24 days straight and counting.

It was in Sarah's absence that the Ethics Officer, Viviana, ever
committed such an unethical act. And I thought that Sarah was Viviana's
"Senior." At the time, the thing that most concerned Viviana was that
she couldn't find my file from childhood anywhere in Central Files.
There is a very good reason for this: my file is Private and
Confidential.

Allow me to explain.

I was born as a triplet into Scientology, Nichiren Buddhism and Roman
Catholicism on October 21st, 1965 in Mountain View, CA (my family lived
in Los Altos). Due to my mother, Anne Marie (Flanagan Elliott) Fields,
being both a heroin addict and alcoholic, I was the first-born and only
healthy baby of these triplets.

Throughout our pregnancy, my mother had been regularly injected with
heroin by doctors at Stanford University and always did she drink hard
liquor. It was absolutely amazing that any one of us babies ever
survived. Because I was the only triplet who was both normal and
healthy, I was the only baby my mother cared to keep.

Quite clearly, it wasn't my mother who was the Scientologist. The
violently abusive father I grew up with, Dennis Wayne Elliott, was not
any kind of Scientologist, either. It was my biological father, the
Nichiren Buddhist High Priest Nittatsu (still alive and young today at
age 80), who was the devout Scientologist. And Nittatsu was a close
friend of L. Ron Hubbard, a person I am also closely related to.

I was the little girl who was Ron's experimental test subject. Most of
this experimentation began when my family moved to Palo Alto in March of
1968. Although my mother did not at all like E-meters, both Nittatsu and
Ron always did find ways to audit me again and again due to all of the
rape I would continually fall victim of. Because drugs of every kind
were always forced upon me (through injection and otherwise), my daddy,
Nittatsu, developed what is now your Purification Program… using little
me as the very first test subject, of course.

From the time that I was born, a little boy named Tom was routinely
flown in to where ever my family lived to visit me together with his
abusive father. Although he did not suffer from the severest, long-term
abuse that I did, after me, Tom could be considered to be the survivor
of world's second worst case of childhood abuse. As children, Tom and I
were abused together again and again, causing us to bond deeply. Thank
goodness Tom took my advice and dropped his father's strange last name
to now be known as the Scientologist named Tom Cruise.

From the late 1960s until the early 1970s, I spent a whole lot of time
together with Ron on his ship, the Apollo, traveling like a pirate
throughout the Caribbean and the South Pacific. Young actor, Johnny
Depp, was often aboard together with us and neither Johnny nor I could
ever forget all of the great fun we had. The regular routine was for Ron
and Johnny to drop me off in Cuba so I could hang out with Fidel Castro
while they went off on all of their wild, crazy escapades.

These travels of mine ceased when my family moved to Lexington,
Massachusetts in September of 1971 so that my father could attend
Harvard Business School. After my father's graduation, my family then
moved to Old Greenwich, Connecticut in January of 1973. In Old
Greenwich, the Nichiren Buddhist Priest/Scientologist, Ross Dreiblatt
(my relative and a disciple of Nittatsu), began to privately tutor me in
my home. It was at this time that I completed all Scientology courses in
their entirety, including the Volunteer Minister Course. Being the
brilliant the little writer that I was, I was also given the opportunity
to make quite a lot of my own personal contributions to Scientology.

But, like I mentioned previously, neither one of the parents I grew up
with were Scientologists, themselves. Thus, just like my daddy,
Nittatsu, had been, Ross was removed from my life altogether and I was
led to forget all about Scientology… even as Tom Cruise continued to
always jump all over my couch. This was accomplished over Christmas of
1976 when my family made its very last move to Princeton, NJ.

It is only thanks to Tom Cruise carrying on the way that he did on Oprah
in May of 2005 that I was finally able to remember that he is the Tom
that I grew up with. I just could never believe Ross whenever he
promised me that he would make a boy as goofy and weird as Tom into the
biggest movie star of all time. But, as we all know, anything is
possible with Scientology (derived from none other than Nichiren
Buddhism, by the way). It may have taken an entire year, but eventually
did all these renewed memories of Tom lead me to remember the great role
Scientology played in my past -- causing me to finally walk through your
doors this past May 1st.

But allow me to get to the point.

When Ron died in 1986, yes, he left everything to Scientology. But, from
what I understand, Ron named exactly one Beneficiary. I just thought
that all of you over at LA Foundation might like to know that I, Claire
Elisabeth Elliott Fields, am that sole Beneficiary whom Ron named.

Please explain to me, Mr. Rusnak, how I will ever be able to function in
this role as sole Beneficiary to all of Scientology if I am not even
allowed to set one foot upon the property of any Scientology
Organization.

Awaiting your prompt reply,

Claire Elisabeth Elliott Fields

 

[DavidFerrie]

Looked at it last night, she's completely nuts. She apparently just wrote her linkedin profile a week ago. She also has been apparently banned from joining Scientology (they stopped a test she was doing and gave her a refund because she was an "Illegal Pre-clear") and claims that she is the rightful leader, as L Ron Hubbard was one of her biological fathers.

Spoiler: crazy letter to "All of Scientology"

My letter to all of Scientology
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=95343250&blogID=173049162
Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Claire Elliott Fields
8803 Sunset Boulevard, #215
Hollywood, CA 90046
323-551-7339 phone
deptofem...@gmail.com

Mr. Erin Rusnak

HAS (Hubbard Communication Office Area Secretary)
4810 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90027
URGENT

September 26, 2006

Dear Mr. Rusnak,

After finishing the entire Volunteer Minister Course in under three
weeks and delivering my most mesmerizing speech at graduation on Friday,
September 1st, your Ethics Department so rudely pulled me away from all
festivities to promptly label me an ILLEGAL PRE-CLEAR. Not even being
allowed to continue with the Personal Efficiency Course I had just
begun, I had to be given a prompt refund and be immediately escorted
from the premises on Saturday, September 2nd. All to the great shock of
everyone who knows me at LA Foundation.

Before I can even step one foot back into the building that houses LA
Foundation or any other Scientology organization anywhere in the world,
I must first connect with what is called a "field group" and complete
whatever "procedure" this field group prescribes to me. Only after
dutifully taking such a prescription will I then be allowed to
"petition" to come back to your org.

The only problem with such an emergency medical plan of action is that,
as of yet, still have I not received even one name or phone number of
any "field group" contact. This despite all my numerous calls put in to
your Ethics Department… all unreturned, 24 days straight and counting.

It was in Sarah's absence that the Ethics Officer, Viviana, ever
committed such an unethical act. And I thought that Sarah was Viviana's
"Senior." At the time, the thing that most concerned Viviana was that
she couldn't find my file from childhood anywhere in Central Files.
There is a very good reason for this: my file is Private and
Confidential.

Allow me to explain.

I was born as a triplet into Scientology, Nichiren Buddhism and Roman
Catholicism on October 21st, 1965 in Mountain View, CA (my family lived
in Los Altos). Due to my mother, Anne Marie (Flanagan Elliott) Fields,
being both a heroin addict and alcoholic, I was the first-born and only
healthy baby of these triplets.

Throughout our pregnancy, my mother had been regularly injected with
heroin by doctors at Stanford University and always did she drink hard
liquor. It was absolutely amazing that any one of us babies ever
survived. Because I was the only triplet who was both normal and
healthy, I was the only baby my mother cared to keep.

Quite clearly, it wasn't my mother who was the Scientologist. The
violently abusive father I grew up with, Dennis Wayne Elliott, was not
any kind of Scientologist, either. It was my biological father, the
Nichiren Buddhist High Priest Nittatsu (still alive and young today at
age 80), who was the devout Scientologist. And Nittatsu was a close
friend of L. Ron Hubbard, a person I am also closely related to.

I was the little girl who was Ron's experimental test subject. Most of
this experimentation began when my family moved to Palo Alto in March of
1968. Although my mother did not at all like E-meters, both Nittatsu and
Ron always did find ways to audit me again and again due to all of the
rape I would continually fall victim of. Because drugs of every kind
were always forced upon me (through injection and otherwise), my daddy,
Nittatsu, developed what is now your Purification Program… using little
me as the very first test subject, of course.

From the time that I was born, a little boy named Tom was routinely
flown in to where ever my family lived to visit me together with his
abusive father. Although he did not suffer from the severest, long-term
abuse that I did, after me, Tom could be considered to be the survivor
of world's second worst case of childhood abuse. As children, Tom and I
were abused together again and again, causing us to bond deeply. Thank
goodness Tom took my advice and dropped his father's strange last name
to now be known as the Scientologist named Tom Cruise.

From the late 1960s until the early 1970s, I spent a whole lot of time
together with Ron on his ship, the Apollo, traveling like a pirate
throughout the Caribbean and the South Pacific. Young actor, Johnny
Depp, was often aboard together with us and neither Johnny nor I could
ever forget all of the great fun we had. The regular routine was for Ron
and Johnny to drop me off in Cuba so I could hang out with Fidel Castro
while they went off on all of their wild, crazy escapades.

These travels of mine ceased when my family moved to Lexington,
Massachusetts in September of 1971 so that my father could attend
Harvard Business School. After my father's graduation, my family then
moved to Old Greenwich, Connecticut in January of 1973. In Old
Greenwich, the Nichiren Buddhist Priest/Scientologist, Ross Dreiblatt
(my relative and a disciple of Nittatsu), began to privately tutor me in
my home. It was at this time that I completed all Scientology courses in
their entirety, including the Volunteer Minister Course. Being the
brilliant the little writer that I was, I was also given the opportunity
to make quite a lot of my own personal contributions to Scientology.

But, like I mentioned previously, neither one of the parents I grew up
with were Scientologists, themselves. Thus, just like my daddy,
Nittatsu, had been, Ross was removed from my life altogether and I was
led to forget all about Scientology… even as Tom Cruise continued to
always jump all over my couch. This was accomplished over Christmas of
1976 when my family made its very last move to Princeton, NJ.

It is only thanks to Tom Cruise carrying on the way that he did on Oprah
in May of 2005 that I was finally able to remember that he is the Tom
that I grew up with. I just could never believe Ross whenever he
promised me that he would make a boy as goofy and weird as Tom into the
biggest movie star of all time. But, as we all know, anything is
possible with Scientology (derived from none other than Nichiren
Buddhism, by the way). It may have taken an entire year, but eventually
did all these renewed memories of Tom lead me to remember the great role
Scientology played in my past -- causing me to finally walk through your
doors this past May 1st.

But allow me to get to the point.

When Ron died in 1986, yes, he left everything to Scientology. But, from
what I understand, Ron named exactly one Beneficiary. I just thought
that all of you over at LA Foundation might like to know that I, Claire
Elisabeth Elliott Fields, am that sole Beneficiary whom Ron named.

Please explain to me, Mr. Rusnak, how I will ever be able to function in
this role as sole Beneficiary to all of Scientology if I am not even
allowed to set one foot upon the property of any Scientology
Organization.

Awaiting your prompt reply,

Claire Elisabeth Elliott Fields

Gotta give her credit for being original enough to claim the heirship of Scientology, rather than the Crown of Great Britain or the Papacy.

Not surprised by her mail-drop address, either -- it's at the mouth of Laurel Canyon, which for some reason has been a magnet for L.A. loonies since the 1920s.

 

[Rin]

Looked at it last night, she's completely nuts. She apparently just wrote her linkedin profile a week ago. She also has been apparently banned from joining Scientology (they stopped a test she was doing and gave her a refund because she was an "Illegal Pre-clear") and claims that she is the rightful leader, as L Ron Hubbard was one of her biological fathers.

Oh god, she managed to out-crazy the Scientologists. This is brilliant.