Yeah I know. I’ve been told that too. But just wtf is “psychological first aid”?
Is that holding your friends hand who’s having a bad acid trip?
My first day as a psychological first aider:
A 'healthy at any size' person of indeterminate gender and hair colour, almost pulls down the tent as they stagger in through the flaps, under a barrage of cries to "Man the harpoons!"
As they swoon onto one of the fainting couches, my training kicks into gear. Having stabilised their gunt, I write the words 'stunning and brave' on a large elastoplast, which I apply to their forehead.
Kneeling down, I encourage them to open their tightly-clenched eyes and stare into the hand mirror, that I am holding up in front of them.
As their face assembles itself into an expression of confusion, I realise my mistake. The reflection of the writing in the mirror is back to front. Frozen on the spot, I watch their pupils darting back and forth in a blind panic, as they attempt to make sense of the three indecipherable words that were intended to save their life. On the opposite side of the tent, my co-first aider, Kristen, is hastily scrawling a new anti-trigger plaster.
She is not fast enough.
My first patient lets out a deafening "Reeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and then expires.
"They never taught us how to use mirrors in training!" I wail to my superior, Dr Borstrom, who lost a leg saving a bus load of Iraqi children in the second Gulf War.
In the background I can hear Kristen on the phone to a nearby military base, arranging for a dynamite crew to dispose of the body.
Later that evening, on social media, I allude to nonspecific acts of sexual harassment committed against me by Borstrom, ending both his career and his marriage within a matter of hours. The following morning, I join the chorus of progressive voices on Twitter, openly celebrating his suicide. That'll teach him to write me up for malpractice.
When I arrive at work, Bella, from Human Resources, promotes me to the rank of Head Doctor. My first act is to declare mirrors a problematic extension of the male gaze and to ban their use on patients.
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