Artcow Chris A. Fields

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Junko said:
CHRIS FIELDS FOR DUMMIES, PT 1: MAGIC WEAPONS OF BLACK TOKYO

I guess this is how I'm going to do it, bit by bit. God help me. The criteria for being included is 'made me make a face when I read it', so who knows how long it'll take me to get desensitized.


Akaname's Tonfa - +1 Corrosive Weapon. Makes the target shit themselves on a crit.

Anti-Kaiju Blade - Attack on Titan ripoff weapons, give substantial bonuses to athletics checks. Eh.

Ballistic Exorcist - Magical uzis created to a) kill the shit out of undead and b) be dual-wielded, because of course.

Blue Hellfire Pistol - Like the Ballistic Exorcist, but cooler, because it's a :deagle: and vents blue fire with every shot.

Demon Nurse's Saw - 'This strange weapon is only wielded by the Black Else’s most sadistic oni, especially those with a calling toward mutilation and medical fetishes.' Mechanically, it's a wounding greatsword that tears out organs on a critical hit, which, uh, results in a -6 penalty to a random ability score.

Euthanasia Needle - A +1 dart that casts slay living on hit, with its base damage added to the DC roll to resist if the target is a Nekomusume (Translator's note: 'nekomusume' means 'catgirl').

Eyrines Weapons - Come in various flavors (Colt pistol, SMG, better SMG, katana) which all get bonuses to attack and damage rolls against rapists. The Eyrines are a society of women dedicated to hunting down sexual offenders like they're on a Lifetime movie or something.

Filth Spear - Like a punji trap but you're supposed to carry it around and stab people. On a crit, causes the target's bowels to fill with crap and THEN they shit themselves.

Gashapon Armada Bag - A bag of tricks made out of vending machine prizes. Actually kind of a cute idea, maybe things will get better-

Girl Hunting Tonfa - NOPE. Casts black tentacles on a critical hit against a human female. Fields also feels the need to let us know that sexual penetration with it is deadly for Kijimuna, which are some sort of pixie race, if memory serves. Thanks, Fields!

Guro Blade - Slice your stomach open to cast black tentacles (with your actual organs)! Die from it only 10% of the time! The other 90% of the time, just get kind of nauseated at your intestines flapping around and grappling people!

Guro Scalpel - 'However, on a natural 20 followed by a successful confirmation roll, the Guro Scalpel inflicts 20 points of slashing damage per character level of the wielder; the wounds are incredibly bloody, slicing through the full thickness of the body, revealing muscle, organs and fatty viscera beneath the skin.' Also makes you better at surgery, I guess.

Heroic Tanto - A knife that's super good at killing filthy gaijin (it has humanbane when used against non-Japanese targets). You can also substitute a Perform (poetry) check for a critical confirmation roll when you're using it, so long as you compose a poem or haiku mocking your victim afterwards. GOD BLESS JAPAN

Hitachi Super - Magic vibrator. Makes you sex better, does pleasure damage to things you hit with it.

Infinite-Length Katana - 'This perfectly balanced katana has a blade of matte black carbon steel, with a maker’s mark- a single angel wing- stamped onto the tang.' Twice per day, you can make attacks with it from 1000 feet away, just in case you wanted to play Sephiroth in the anime rape RPG.

Jurojin's Staff - Only works for old men, and gives them immortality so long as they have sex with virgins every so often. The description mentions that there is 'an almost vaginal knot in the wood half hidden, midway down the shaft of every Jurojin's Staff', but not if you can screw it to fulfill your obligations.

Kaishaku's Katana - Did you know that a kaishaku was the guy who served as a second for a man committing seppuku? Anyone willingly allowing themselves to be slain by this weapon receives the effect of atonement as they die.

Otaku's Katana - A sword just like the ones in my Japanese animes that can turn into a super huge sword just like the ones in my Japanese animes a couple times a day. Only work for Otaku. Did I mention Otaku are a specific thing you can play in this game?

Rapacious Tetsubo - :cryblood:. A dick-shaped club that casts a spell called fucked to death on a critical hit. I imagine I will be posting that when I go over spells, huh.

Shinigami's Scythe - Besides being twelve feet long and 'the perfect means of dealing death', the user of this weapon can cast power word kill once per day.

Splattercore Shotgun - Does extra CON damage on a critical hit as the shotgun's pellets basically pulp the victim. Also, its stock is covered in leather made from the intestines of a murdered woman. Thanks, Fields!

Tank-Killer Blade - Giant katana, slices open tanks, painted with the Japanese flag.

Yasukuni Katana - Gives bonuses on knowledge (tactics) rolls and intimidate rolls against non-Japanese, as well as forcing you to always power attack against them.

Yasukuni Wakizashi - Can be used to trap the souls of non-Japanese victims to power up the sword. Drips blood while a soul is bound within it. Charming.

Yurei's Dagger - 'A box-cutter, simple and easily accessible even to children in a culture that disdains guns. A weapon that draws no attention whatsoever, except on the corners of the Internet where Nevada-Tan has become a meme.' Grows more powerful when a yurei (the stereotypical ghost girl race) uses it.

NEXT: Would you like me to go over races, classes, or spells?

edit: Surtur noooooo
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Ooh, do Races.

Edit: I would be willing to play, as long as we can do it over the internet. Also, I've never played a Pen and paper/tabletop RPG, so I think this will be fun.
 
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Junko said:
How about the final boss, instead? I'm still trying to track down all the magic stuff that isn't 'fuck your dog/sister/motorcycle/self', but it's slow going since I haven't sorted my RPG folders in years.

Shingami (CR 25)
Beyond Colossal Giant
Init -4; Senses Darkvision 60 ft
Aura Radioactive Hell (heavily irritated area 150 ft)
Languages Mindlessly repeats circa WWII anti-Japanese catch phrases

(boring statblock omitted for the sake of those who don't play d20 Modern)

The Shingami is the ‘western god of death’, a colossal
psychic monster created from the hate and bigotry of an
entire nation. Born during World War II, the Shingami
is the living embodiment of American sin- the loath-
some spirit that put Japanese-Americans into camps,
and the same rage that burnt the world at Hiroshima
and Nagasaki. Like the Genbu, the colossal Shingami
has slept through the decades, somewhere deep beneath
the Sea of Othosk. Coral has grown over the monster’s
resting place, and every day cargo ships drift lazily by
above. For most, the Shingami is long forgotten. Only
a handful of Japanese arcanists serving with Police
Section Seven believe the monster still lives and even
fewer have a plan to destroy the great beast if it should
ever reawaken.


The Shingami stands taller than most of Tokyo’s sky
scrapers, and it’s sheer mass shakes the ground with
every step it takes. The monster resembles a gigantic
ebony ape with dozens of jagged horns nearly half a
kilometer long protruding from its spine and the crown
of its head.

The Shingami’s sickly yellow and black face is like
something out of a WWII propaganda poster- a slant
eyed, bucktoothed, leering parody of a Japanese man’s.
Dozens of penis tendrils, each the size of subway trains
whip, from beneath the creature’s bulging gut. The
Shingami’s eyes glow a bloody crimson, and its light is
strong enough to blot out the sun. From head to hooves,
the monster is wreathed in atomic flames.

Radioactive Hell (SU): The Shingami laughed at the
atomic end of World War II, relishing the destruc-
tion. It is a creature of elemental atomic fire. A 150
ft radius around the behemoth is considered heavily
irradiated and remains so for 1d6 minutes after the
Shingami passes.


Squirming Cock Rush (EX): The Shingami’s enormous
prehensile cocks strike up to three enemies which must
be within 30 ft of one another with every attack. Make
one attack roll for all adversaries, and this is considered
a single attack. All enemies struck by the behemoth’s
cock suffer the same amount of damage.


Fling (EX): If the clumsy Shingami can get hold of a
Huge or smaller target, it can toss the target up to 500
ft in any direction it chooses. If attacking a Medium or
smaller target, it may scoop up two adjacent Medium
sized enemies with a single attack roll. It really, really
likes doing this.

Horrific Orgasm (SU): As often as once every 3d6
rounds, the Shingami can ejaculate waves upon waves
of acidic greenish-grey semen from every one of its
dozen cocks. Bits of the corpses it has created rush out
mixed with the acidic spray.
As a full round action, the Shingami unleashes a 500 ft
cone of acid which inflicts 20d10 points of acid damage
to everything within the blast radius. Characters caught
within the spray may attempt a DC 28 REF Save for
half damage.

Eventual Return (EX): The Shingami is nearly
impossible to ever truly destroy. It can only be permanently
slain if a character of American nationality voluntarily
chooses to sacrifice themselves to the task. The
creature must first be brought to negative HP equal to
its maximum positive HP total, and the American
sacrifice must immolate him or herself atop the gigantic
corpse. Otherwise, the slain behemoth will return to life
in 4d6 months, or upon the next Akashita Wind storm.

0c89b07e71.jpg
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I don't understand why it has such massive dong's if it's supposed to be a caricature of the Japanese..
 
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Techpriest said:
Speaking of which, holy shit, Fields actually is defending himself here. 3 is actually what he did, I'm dead serious.

This guy is a genuine lolcow.

EDIT: I can't seem to find an online copy of Black Tokyo that isn't virus ridden malware infested shit (Much like its source) so I'll probably have to end up cribbing off of Something Awful's Fatal And Friends review, or just link it for your viewing pleasure unless someone is willing to pay like 19 bucks for it for everyone. Maybe I'll have more luck with his other stuff.
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I think I have Black Tokyo scanned.

EDIT: Few pages are missing, but I have it.
If you ever want F.A.T.A.L. (non-edited + edited versions + my ~10KB analysis of rules), call me.
 
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kuniqs said:
I think I have Black Tokyo scanned.

EDIT: Few pages are missing, but I have it.
If you ever want F.A.T.A.L. (non-edited + edited versions + my ~10KB analysis of rules), call me.
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I'd love a copy.

Big Nasty said:
Can I have "Milf Hunter" as a prestige class?
Click to expand...

I do know that in his Otherverse America book, Fields promised Abortion Provider as a future prestige class.
 
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Techpriest said:
Sorry, here it is. I was just trying to find it again in a vain hope I'd get a good copy of it.

Also at least Cthulutech is just Evangelion with the serial numbers filed off and five times more pretentious of a metaplot. It isn't offensively bad.
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Review said:
The only slightly redeeming aspect of this shitty section is that he informs us to make sure our players are okay with being raped before having any of that in the game. Thank God, wouldn't want anyone playing the CREEPY HENTAI RPG to feel UNCOMFORTABLE.
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:lol:
 
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So having recently (IE within the last thirty minutes) having downloaded Otherverse America for free - you can get it from drivethruRPG for free for some unexplained reason, I popped it open, skipped the shittly drawn cover I've already uploaded, and looked for the first bit of fluff I could find.

y8ATT8m.png


For fucks sake Fields how have you managed to offend everyone with this without even trying!?

"From Fields' Otherverse America said:
The American Abortion War began on January 22, 2061, and ended exactly thirty years to the day later. Thirty years of brutal sectarian violence destroyed the nation, fracturing 21st century America into two diametrically opposed, heavily armed warring camps: the Lifer and Choicer nations. The differences between Pagan and Christian have been sharpened to a killing edge, with hatreds well nurtured by three decades of assassination and counter-assassination, of urban warfare, sociological terrorism and memetic combat.
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Also my fucking god the formatting for this thing is terrible.
 
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