...thinking on this more, I say that what you said and what
@Emperor Percival Tachyon and I found with Max Coyote are two sides of the same coin.
Suppose we have a boy who likes ewing, a traditionally feminine activity, because his grandmothe runs a textile shop. Suppose also we have a girl who likes 'cool' instead of 'cute'. Here in the Farms, we call those 'normal'. More left-wing people would call those 'gender non-conforming' but not necessarily queer. However, social justice warriors would find them 'flamin gay'. After all, our boy 'don't look like a guy' by doin girl stuff, and our girl is 'obviously rejecting femininity'. Being incongruent with others and societal norms is already painful, let alone people around you hating you because you do not conform to those norms.
Then comes along a community who affirms you in those vulnerable times: the queer community. They tell our boy and girl tha there is nothing wrong wi them; their non-conformance to gender stereotypes means tha they are just queer! This allure to intimately (hopefully not in that way) identifying yourself with a community that has been persecuted due to its failure to conform is very strong, not just out of solidarity, but vulnerability from rejection.
From that moment, our textile boy and cool girl feel ecstatic and even manic from not only finally belonging somewhere but also the literal sunshine and rainbows the community has. Our textile boy calls himself 'gay'. Our cool girl calls herself 'a trans male'. Both call themselves 'proud'. Soon though, they become depressed because, from what you said, their emotional needs are not being fulfilled: they are not really queer; they just need someone who accepts all of themselves withou trying to change them. Normally, they would quit being queer and find other ways of reconciling their true 'cishet' identities wi their 'gender non-conforming' interests. However, the queer community says 'that is because you still have some internalised phobia and need to accept your queer self more!' Not helping matters is that you already said that kinks lose their potency once you indulge them, needing a higher dose if you were to achieve the same high. Even if our textile boy and cool girl never ge those kinks, they are surrounded by those who do and enable those kinks.
@Tennis-Ball-Tony also mentioned tha trannies end up isolating themselves into their queer group, thus reinforcing the alienation that put our textile boy and cool girl in the queer community in the first place. Quitting is no longer an option anyways; have you seen the hatred ex-gay and etransitioner communities and organisations get?
This ends up locking our textile boy and our cool girl in a cycle: they queer out more, the queerness loses its potency, they become depressed, bu the queer community blames phobia (internal or external) and affirms them, prompting them to raise the dosage and start all over again... in other words, the 'cope-seethe-dilate' cycle. Any apprehensions on your being performatively queer are blamed on your 'internalised phobia', which pushes you into the next iteration.
Eventually, our textile boy becomes flaaaaamin gay~ and our cool girl goes Full Troon™. Having raised their dosage to maximum and fully 'accepted' their 'queerness', the cycle makes them depressed again. However, because there is no 'higher dosage', they are left pent-up and lonely, eventually becoming miserable. Having long isolated themselves away from the real world and into a
white rainbow room when all of the horrors tha they inflicted on themselves kick in, they might stab themselves... they might go int other addictions... or decide that, since they got rid of all of their
internalised phobia, the problem is with
external phobia.
Now that I am typing this, this might explain why the BGLT+ has a higher incidence of substance abuse and mental anomalies even in very queer-accepting countries. That also explains why they furiously fight even the smallest forms of 'phobia', ranging from spending about a decade bullying some cakemaker in Colorado just because he will not make a pro-gay cake, harassing a dating service over they not having a gay option (despite the many gay singles dating services), freaking out whenever YouTube fails to censor something that is not queer-affirming, never being satisfied by all of the pro-queer services corporations give and perform, claiming that ceasing celebrations of Pride Month is equal to literally killing queer people, hating on the government no matter how many pro-queer regulations they pass and enforce, and making a Slaweel Ryam out of some nominally Christian group in a city of Kansas, USA.
Cope, seethe, and ilate again.
