I had a thought cross my mind yesterday that like, how I dress like a slut pretty regularly is hypocritical and kinda emberassing. Just kinda hit me and it isn't the first time(more frequent since doing less sex work also). Infact there was probably a point where I purged those thoughts and I have been subtly encouraged to purge them I feel.
I guess I like being treated like that sexy woman passing by rather than a granny dressing tranny. Feels like maybe I'm being stubborn about growing up and finding a balance. It's like cheating the whole passing thing and relying on my body being feminine. I don't really have money for nicer clothes on top of that.
People, especially guys used to always treat me like a man when I would dress more grannyish and are super nice to me(shit, I get money from them regularly on Twitter for it) and they seem to not even know I'm trans when I dress more skimpy. Maybe this is a delushion and they are just being horndogs idk. Always seems like legit I'm more passing by dressing sexy. Combine this with knowing I'm not completely lost on fashion, a desire to dress more well adjusted emerges. I used to resist this and think of it like I was being pressured to cover up by puritans. Hard for me to accept that I'm getting old on top of that.
I guess I always thought of it as a burden thing. Like it shouldn't be my burden.
Thank you for watching one of my videos. I want to reach out to most people as long as they don't want to put me in the gas chamber or bury me in the desert. I'm tired of feeling like it's us fringies vs most of society. I want to cooperate with reasonable people and try to get along. I know I won't get along with everyone and that's okay but I don't want to be thought of as a spiteful or unreasonable person.
I will admit I have been very spiteful for a while. It comes from being hurt by a lot of people.
I'm uninterested in arguing on the basis of biology right now. I see sex and gender as two different things and I'm not going to waste my time trying to convince you of this and potentially double the size of this post with boring stuff.
I think it's really weird when ppl try to debate biology with spiritual stuff and they just make things up like demonic gender identities. They can have fun making neo pronouns and talking about religion but this doesn't seem related to biology and is more likely examples of gender as a social construct.
Im not here to try to change people's fundamental beliefs anyways. I came here to try to have a healthy conversations with my critics instead of continually lash out at you and build a thicker self destructive echo chamber like I had been for almost a year. It's this festering problem within Twitter left gatekeeping and it's snowballing. It's concerning.
There's a really long debate mentioned on here that I had with some trans exclusionaries on a JKR Twitter thread. I got bored and felt like it would be interesting to step outside of Twitter without going to Reddit. A person who identified as a TERF was supportive of the way I tried to conduct the conversation in that thread. It made me have a serious change of heart with my previous hatred of TERFS.
I still hate Nazi's but people throw that word around too much imho.
I try to keep it tasteful when I wear tight clothing. There's subtle ways I go about it. Stuff on my 18+ twitter is going to be more noticed where I'm pointing it out or when people are attracted to me anyways and are staring me up and down.
Like having a big booty in something tight or like cleavage showing. I find most people look me in the eyes and people ogling me, well you shouldn't ogle people.
As for the aforementioned Crowder tweet, I was mad that he was saying that I don't even look or dress slightly femenine. I figured I censored it and I was just really pissed off. I was really fucking pissed that he said that to his audience tbh.. I felt like he made his audience believe I looked like Tiffany or some dude with a neckbeard in crusty sweats.
I was so angry and humiliated already.
Honestly one of the things that I did actually cry about. Despite the image being censored, I probably went a bit too far with my revenge by tagging him in that tweet and I found it emberassing when people were pointing it out on here. Still do tbh.
Like u said it's pretty small.(most of the time) I figure it's only people staring at me inappropriately and people reacting on the internet who are going to notice. So it's like a prank against people who are going to look at my body as a sexual object. That's supposed to be the irony.. They fetishize me and have to accept that bodies aren't always what you expect. "Why is a bulge inherently sexual if people aren't staring at me down there inappropriately already?" was my line of thinking.
Starting to feel some shame here tbh. Like I'm thinking about it and it's a thought that has crossed my mind that maybe this is not a good idea. I was feeling bad about it when I first went viral and brought it up to other trans people and was pretty much told like "no don't start tucking, fuck them" by most. I'm reconsidering if this was good advice from my community. Not that I'm denying responsibility. I shouldn't let them dictate my decisions. I really was prone to push back against advice from here back then as well.
Opening up to this point has been very gradual. I was pretty scared to step into this abyss from the start. I push myself through discomfort and my fears so that I don't stagnate. Might be something trauma related, some behavioral management thing.
Really isn't hard for me to do just was under this mindset that it was some burden for me to poke my button in. Like people need to fuck off policing my bulge was always my mentally. People shouldn't stare at people's crotches.
Been really having some reconsideration lately with this one thing once again reading about pervs and rapists who identify as trans. talking about creeps more on my channel. I hate that and don't want to encourage them..
Mari being concerned about my safety.. that's kind.
idk something seems to resonate with me a little more when someone expresses honest concern rather than freaks out and calls me all these names and expands into a bunch of baseless accusations.
Maybe I should stop doing this. My whole mindset is it's like this subtle thing that I believe only ogling pervs really notice and it's just kinda like, don't stare at peoples crotches kind of ironic prank, not being ashamed and knowing some people really struggle with it. I want people who struggle with it to not feel alone even though I don't.
Still, gaining some influence and getting all this attention and seeing how people do use the trans card to be very obscene and brazenly predatorial, perhaps I'm unintentionally encouraging more harmful behavior from actual predators. Maybe I'm creating an excuse for them.
I dont want to do that and will probably go back to tucking. I'm not trying to encourage people walking around public with raging boners in a bikini bottom. I'm really sick of stories of trans people doing extremely fucked up shit and feel like fighting to maintain this grey area just isn't sending any kind of helpful message.
Combination of things. Part of why I decided to retransition is because I was eating and drinking myself to death struggling to continue living as a shell. I was 265+lbs and felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Retransition and weightloss were urgent needs. I was literally going to die. I like how I look and feel at this weight so I keep it this way. It gives me a lot if confidence and comfort, less chronic pain. I also was having constant heart burn. I have to watch my carbs still. Doesn't take much junk food and pizza to give me heartburn and I start getting a belly.
