- Joined
- Jul 18, 2018
No wonder he cant walk straight. He lives on a tilt-a-whirl. Shoutout to the Bacon Up which he must have snacked on while waiting for meat.
Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental
- Thread starter Gentlebastard
- Start date
No wonder he cant walk straight. He lives on a tilt-a-whirl. Shoutout to the Bacon Up which he must have snacked on while waiting for meat.
Dondeld Dock
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 10, 2021
Not surprised at all that Jack doesn't even bother aligning his camera properly
Aaway
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2016
jack's smokers get more action than tammy does
luckily she's got jim traynor and her women's "retreats"
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2019
It's actually kind of hilarious how indistinguishable it is between just being a reasonably competent cook and taking subtle but intentional jabs at Jack.
densedance
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 26, 2021
What the actuall fucking fuck was that, Jack.
Hungry Homeless Handjob
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2021
Jack desperately trying to manhandle his dead arm in an attempt to make it useful is so incredibly sad to watch, but also a little hilarious.
Joycondrift
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2021
Doesn't mention how long he cooked it for.
Doesn't document the cooking process for an overnight cook.
You can literally hear him bite and tear into the meat because it's not cooked properly. Smoked brisket cooked overnight shouldn't make a sound when you bite into it.
On top of it looking absolutely vile.
Doesn't document the cooking process for an overnight cook.
You can literally hear him bite and tear into the meat because it's not cooked properly. Smoked brisket cooked overnight shouldn't make a sound when you bite into it.
On top of it looking absolutely vile.
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2020
6:17
“Something I never done still, I’m somehow gonna try to butterfly this with my bad hand so, if I lose a finger I lose a finger.”
Jack, seeing how purple those fingers are, specifically the index finger, I THINK YOU’LL BE LOSING ONE ANYWAY.
Seriously, seeing his edema ridden fingers was way more disgusting for me than seeing the pool of blood the meat left on his cutting board.
I am amazed.
“Something I never done still, I’m somehow gonna try to butterfly this with my bad hand so, if I lose a finger I lose a finger.”
Jack, seeing how purple those fingers are, specifically the index finger, I THINK YOU’LL BE LOSING ONE ANYWAY.
Seriously, seeing his edema ridden fingers was way more disgusting for me than seeing the pool of blood the meat left on his cutting board.
I am amazed.
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2019
That thumbnail is the stuff of nightmares and I’ve never seen a more punchable face.
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2020
Can someone please photoshop this with BBC or something else horrifying? This thumbnail is begging for it.
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2019
Delilah Radio Show
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2021
Fatty2988
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2021
Why'd he cut the video as he was butterflying it? Did he have to go cry to mommy Tammy for help?
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2020
What makes it even sadder is that you just know that he made Tammy take that pic. Imagine what was going through her mind.
Mundane Ralph
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2020
He said he crutched it at 165, pulled it at 200 and rested it for an hour. I wish he mentioned the smoker temp though (maybe I missed it). Smoking just the point, that you've butterflied, would cut a ton of time off the cook. If he did it overnight I doubt he was up to crutch it in time which is probably why it looks dry. Then he pulled it too early or didn't rest it long enough. If you're gonna pull brisket at 200 you really need a long rest in a cooler to give the connective tissue more time to break down.
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2014
That stroked out fat bastard put fucking blue cheese in the brisket. I thought having the veggies were bad enough. Holy shit this is nauseating.
Edit: Also him trying to use his fucking dead arm as a prop!! ARGH. That's absolutely gross.
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
Oh goddamnit... fine, let's do this:
1. Jack opens the video wearing his Watermelon shirt, which is mildly surprising given he's been really autistic lately about wearing his Grimmace shirt.
1b. I'm guessing it's because his Grimmace shirt is too stained for him to wear, or because he's been mocked for only wearing it lately.
2. Gourd N. Ramsay is now gone from the kitchen, proving once again Jack is a mantoddler who is desperately trying to own the haters in some way.
2b. By the way, both the bacon up and Jack's grease is still visible, but Jack moved the former to the other side to try and hide how he probably uses it to wank or he just fucking eats it with a spoon.
3. Anywho, it opens with a Dutch Angle Shot, and Jack again stating he is going on another Gluttony Wars tour, which he's likely only doing because I make fun of him for burbling out "wars" as a verbal tick, akin to a parrot belching out video game noises.
4. Jack uses the royal "we" multiple times when he reminisces on how he's going to eat ALL the pulled pork, and ALL the wings.
4b. Mainly because Jack doesn't have any friends left really, so there isn't anyone but him who wants to do this.
5. Jack tries to flex a bit by describing how Carolina BBQ is mustard based and has a vinegar element to it, likely again he's still fuming over being mocked for his non-existing palate.
6. Jack gurgles about how he's totally going to find the "best places" for this stuff, so expect a lot of shitty chain stores in strip malls, or failing Barbecue places that spec in quantity over quality.
7. Jack blatantly lies about surveying people's opinions on the best barbecue places, because he wants to pretend he doesn't struggle to get 1k views now.
8. "We have everything planned out" ~ Jack Scalfani on just going to random chain places
9. Jack proclaims that this is the Third Wars tour he's done, so I guess even he admits that some of those retarded two or three "whatever wars" he does sometimes when he remembers they got sponsorships weren't real.
10. Jack states he's going to announce an hour or so before he waddles into a place where he is, which is a clear attempt to pretend that he's not a feedbackophobic coward hoping his tiny audience base isn't near any places.
11. "FAGGOT" ~ The stinger on Jack's poor video cut
11b. Fuck me, I just realized I'm only a minute in...
12. Jack tries to pretend that he has a thought process for when he smokes food, claiming he's doing brisket because it's something Tammy likes
12b. Given I know he puts Jalapenos in this due to his flexing on Facebook, this is a fucking lie; in reality he just wanted to shove meat down his throat.
13. Jack states he might cut the brisket in half, when this is just him trying to pretend he isn't a glutton who will eat all 15 pounds of meat in one or two days.
14. Jack, being a retard with no taste buds that work anymore, burbles about how he needs bacon to make brisket taste better.
14b. Because god forbid just enjoying the rich flavor brisket has already when you let it rest in paper/foil for a while and after giving it a beautiful crust of salt, pepper, and garlic to amplify that flavor.
15. Jack literally is applying the same stupid logic he has with pizza with this; he is now bragging about how stuffing a brisket is totally genius and not fucking retarded.
16. Haha, nice try on your lie about doing this for Tammy Jack you retarded fat faggot.
16b. At 1:51, not even a minute after he said he's doing this because Tammy likes brisket, he slips out "what do I like".
16c. He couldn't even pretend to care about anyone but himself for a whole minute, it's a miracle she hasn't just violently suffocated him with a pillow in his sleep.
17. "We're gonna grind it all together and make a mush out of it" ~ Jack's blood cells on what to do with his brain
18. Jack then says that they should get something "very delicious" when you can't taste anything but bacon and spice.
18b. The fucked thing is not even a year ago he actually made a decent brisket.
19. Jack cheers in childish glee about how constantly asking "what else should I add" always makes things better.
19b. In reality, simple is sweet; Rob's troll video perfectly shows how just knowing basic cooking principles will always be better.
20. Jack states that there's a cut off point in adding shit where "It's the best I'll probably ever do".
20b. In reality, he totally should've marinated it in yogurt and lemon juice, then did all this horseshit.
20c. Hell, he should've poured ranch all over it, fuck it at this point.
21. Jack admits he's horngry over the pounds of meat he's going to consume.
22. Jack does his "come in close" spiel that he usually uses as a signal to cut to his stinger to show how his horrible stuffing will work.
23. And looking at it and it's actually fucking worse than I thought.
23b. See, a normal stuffing's purpose is to hold in the meat water when it cooks and to add flavor, and there's no starches or anything to absorb said brisket water in this.
23c. Instead, we get a mix of green bell peppers, his nuclear garlic, a whole gigantic vidallia onion, jalapenos, and goddamn blue cheese.
24. Jack then explains his logic on why he picked the items he did, and it's just summed as "I like them"
24b. There is a bit of a joke when he blatantly lies about how Jalapeno is a "mild hot"; them fuckers kick in quick and are usually serve as an upper limit to those with little tolerance.
24c. He's really excited to have them because this fat fucking faggot knows Tammy hates heat like this.
25. I don't understand why Jack wants bell peppers when he won't be able to taste them... oh yeah more calories.
26. He literally just childishly went mine for all of these and selected them for that... except the Jalepenos; those are a spite pick.
27. So anyways, brisket has no need for stuffing; there is no point due to the fact you're gonna let it rest for two hours.
28. Whew that was a hard cut; it just suddenly janks to Jack having a processor out now and setting it up.
29. Jack warns the viewer that you shouldn't work with the food processor if it's plugged in... why do I think he nearly lost fingers now?
30. Jack stretches run time via slowly putting in halved peppers and checking the processor's settings before he finally plugs it in.
31. Jack mulches the Jalapenos into a quasi-paste; half chunk, half goo, all gross.
32. Jack again shows he's scared of the blender when he unplugs it again to show us the mulched peppers.
33. It then cuts to when Jack finishes mulching everything into that gross balance between guac and relish all of a sudden.
34. Mushbrain calls his processed vegetable flesh "mush", I'm amused by it.
34b. OH HEY FLOPPY BOWL'S BACK! I see you Floppy Bowl.
35. Jack loud-talks for no reason about other cheese types you can use; no clue why he got angy here.
36. And he dumps the whole bowl of fungal cheese, hell yeah it's gonna be puke inducing if you hate that smell.
36b. MMM MMM this brisket tastes like FOOT.
36c. You know, I never thought of putting cheese on a brisket... maybe a brisket sandwich, but not a brisket like this.
37. Jack takes what I suspect is mild glee at the idea some of his haters get squeamish when he contaminates food by quickly gurning out "getchuhandindere" as he starts squishing the mix into its full final form.
37b. It really doesn't Jack, but keep dreaming.
38. Jack then proclaims after a cut that he's going to do something he hasn't done in years and HAHAHAHAHA-
*one bout of uproarious laughter later*
38b. This stupid motherfucker is actually going to try and use his dead hand to help cut this!
38c. I guess Tammy is done with helping him for this fucking video; well let's see how bad he does this.
39. Jack then uses his boning knife to saw apart the brisket in half.
40. You hear Jack exhale in minor exhaustion before it cuts to the halved brisket being finished.
41. OH GOD ROUND TWO
41b. JACK IS ACTUALLY GOING TO TRY AND BUTTERFLY CUT THIS FUCKER OKAY LET'S GO HERE WE GO
42. And Jack proves he doesn't know how to do a butterfly cut just from the placement of his boning knife; ideally you start at the edges and go diagonal until you match thickness when you spread it out.
42b. Also that's a lot of blood and moisture he's losing by doing this stupid fucking idea.
43. Oh fuck off Jack.
43b. The fat man, realizing that he might look like a fool, cuts to when he's "finished" with the butterfly cut.
43c. The final product of it looks horrible, since there's a clear ridge due to not positioning the cut right.
44. Jack then decides to season his mangled meat with unspecifed seasoning, of course picking the fattiest side because he's retarded and doesn't understand that you can't osmosis salt and flavor through fat really.
45. Jack manages to somehow do the worst seasoning pour ever with this bottle of kinder he's using.
45b. Oh hey, Rob used that brand too.
46. "I like heavy seasoning" ~ Jack after pouring a full shot of seasoning poorly over one side of the brisket.
47. Jack then doubles down on the garlic taste with more garlic seasoning because again, his taste buds no worky work; he only detects texture, not flavor.
48. Might as well explain what the smart move would've been to seasoning this; mix your dries together to guarantee an even blend.
49. Well I now understand why Jack's shitty briskets always look like lumps of mineral I picked out of a mineshaft with that fuckload from two shakers he poured on.
50. My right eye twitches as Jack fucking seasons the interior despite his making of that maggot mush earlier that would do the same thing but better.
50b. And no, the fat side has no seasoning; it also isn't thinned. Why would it?
51. Jack calls missing about 45% of the inside of the brisket with the seasoning mix "beautiful"; I think that's also a word the fat man doesn't understand now and he just burbles like a parrot going "WUEUEUEUEUEUE" from a random toy his owner has.
52. Jack whines like a child over his seasoning; likely being full of moisture due to poor storage, not coming out right.
53. Jack then offscreen removes the lid or shakes vigorously out of anger so he can just fucking dump it all out.
54. Jack quickly makes an excuse about how that seasoning will "just fall off" as he transports it, proving he knows dick about anything.
55. The maggot mush is condensating in that tub and I hate it.
56. Anyways, Jack then starts putting that mush on top of all that fucking seasoning.
56b. Calling it now; this will be dry as fuck when he's done with it.
57. Oh god the mush expanded like a fucking organism when he stopped slamming it down... I'm happy I didn't eat yet.
58. Oh good, the maggot mush water is pouring out, let's make this look exactly like an infected cyst why don't we.
59. Jack rolls over the flap of meat and there's a big hole in it where there wasn't last time.
60. Also for those wondering, yes he seriously over stuffed it given the layering showing how it won't close right.
61. Anywho let's finally get to the bacon...
62. Jack salts his brisket harder than Rome salted Carthage; even Cato the Elder would be like "bruh chill".
63. It should be stated though that this video again proves that Jack thinks the whole item needs to be covered to the point you barely see the previous layer for the seasoning to work.
64. Jack giggles like a toddler since he has all these tastes he can get into his mouth, and since there's no recipe to steal apparently he's riding off the high of us not calling him out on it.
65. Shit... let me take a break, I still have seven minutes of this to go through:
*one music and video binge later*
66. Right then, where was I?
67. Oh yeah, Jack was praising himself for experimenting as he pours like a fourth of a bottle of seasoning on it.
67b. So here's the thing; I actually agree with Jack it's nice to experiment; I like to occasionally try to make variations of Journey cakes for that reason.
67c. But at the end of the day, there's some experiments that should not be, like this one.
68. Oh lord, Jack's letting it stew a day... this is oozing its way into MovieBob and Brundlefly tier for me.
69. Anyways, Tammy's back from her day with Jim, and Jack now can have mommy wife do the things for him as he comments instead.
70. Jack, again proving he forgot how cooking shows work, doesn't show you the viewer how to do a bacon weave. He just shows you the finished weave instead.
70b. There's a lot of reasons Young Jack had more views than current Jack, and one of them was he showed how to do stuff sometimes.
71. Jack groans in annoyance about how hard it will be to bacon weave all around the brisket... despite how it's going to be Tammy that does it.
71b. Also telling that Jack puts more effort in using two pounds of bacon than he does seasoning anything right.
72. Jack simpers about his wife's abilities in an attempt to lovebomb her in public; again it's a miracle she doesn't murder him.
73. Jack again proves he thinks there are different types of toothpick.
74. Hard cut to the middle of the night with Jack's newest hoarding item, that ZSmoke thing he blind bought because Rooster McConnaughey embarrassed him live on national TV and he's still butthurt about it.
75. Delusional Jack again proves he has delusions of reference with his childish fascination with brands that use the name "Jack" in them with his pellets of choice.
76. Jack shows the sunk cost fallacy as he rationalizes his hideous hoarding problem with smokers and grills.
77. Jack also lies his fat fucking ass off about needing to smoke high for the first time; he just wants an excuse to cook hot despite brisket doing best low and slow.
78. Jack explains his desire to save all the grease from the cooking process, likely so he has a tasty drink to go with his meal.
79. For all his delusion and whining about getting owned by hibbedy gibbedy prospecter folk on the TV, Jack doesn't know the purpose of that release valve and funnel on his smoker.
80. Jack is antsy and gleeful as the first bits of smoke release, and he stupidly has his smoker open, because he's a fat retard who doesn't understand you need it closed to retain moisture and heat.
81. Jack finally realizes and sulks about how his new toy doesn't have a meat probe despite owning it for days beforehand.
81b. This was likely one of several reasons why these things are on clearance and sold as blind boxes to scam idiots like him.
82. Jack tries to flex over how to smoke a brisket by reading off the basics of cooking one.
82b. That is to say cook until around 165 degrees F, then cook wrapped in foil or butcher paper until 200 - 205 degrees F or so, and then rest for a couple hours.
83. Jack once more shows he picks the minimum time possible when it comes to cooking; he gurns out that you let brisket rest for an hour, while in reality you probably should for two hours.
84. Jack is surprised that the meat, which was baking in a cooler that's designed to insulate what's in it from outside temperatures for an hour, is still very hot.
85. So funny thing is Jack bleats you're supposed to use butcher paper, but he uses foil for this one. What a mushbrain.
86. Jack is sad that the massively and hideously overcooked bacon got "brokt".
87. Jack then does the dumbest thing yet in this video, my god, and cuts it lengthwise rather than width wise like everyone cuts brisket for sampling.
88. Jack stabs the cutting board several times before he jump cuts to when it's open and OH FUCK IT'S GROSS.
89. This looks like the aftermath of cooking meat that had an abscess in it.
89b. The brisket looks under cooked, there's almost no smoke ring, and the "stuffing" looks like literal fucking rot.
90. "That's beautiful" ~ Jack on a rotten fucking pile of meat
91. Jack has the audacity to lie about the meat falling apart when it clearly didn't as he cut through it.
91b. Also I expect brisket to be tender, not fall apart tender.
92. Jack then spoons a full pile of his maggot mush, and gives it a sniff.
93. "Smells spicy" ~ Jack on a pile of mush that includes jalapenos with seeds, and two fuckloads of seasoning that it stewed in for a day.
94. Also I just noticed the Bacon Up moved from its' spot; Jack eats or wanks with it confirmed.
95. HAHAHA Jack tried to stop his eyes from looking up as he tried processing what he just shoveled into his gullet; he's trying to learn to lie better.
96. Jack of course moos out an "MMM" to pretend it came out good, because this fat narcissistic baby can't stand ever failing.
97. Jack intentionally uses smokey as his flavor profile, because he's very angy when I and others point out he has no taste palate.
97b. Seriously, he should be mostly tasting the garlic given how much Nuclear Garlic and Garlic seasoning he used.
98. Jack then wants some meat, so we get some Giraffe tongue action too.
98b. Though not as much as you'd expect; I suspect he's trying spite us or hide how gluttonous he is by trying to restrain his impulse to stick his tongue out for maximum first meat contact.
99. Jack couldn't moo out an "MMM" because he's very shocked by how overseasoned that fucker is.
99b. Seriously, he struggles for like a good second or two trying to figure out how to pretend what he made was good, going so far as to duck his head to try to hide his distaste for it by veiling his eyes.
100. Jack describes the brisket as "tender and wet", because again, he's the only weirdo who uses wet to describe food.
101. Jack again tries to own me and others via trying to describe what he's tasting using single descriptors from all the components.
101b, Case in point, crunchy from the bacon (which his slice didn't have), spicy from the maggot mush, and tender and wet from the base meat.
101c. In reality he's probably just tasting salt, garlic's unique warm pungeance, bacon's porkiness, and jalapeno's spice and bitterness.
102. Jack desperately tries to say this was a success because he's a narcissist who is mentally and emotionally unable to take Ls.
103. Jack slips how he sees 6.5 pounds of meat and 1 pound of bacon and 1 pound of mush is a "snack" to him.
104. Jack again pretends he likes getting fan responses, all while blocking people from Facebook and holding all comments for review like the bitch he is.
105. He also again proves he has more in common with a shitlib soy boy by being pumped for fall and them pumpkin spice lattes he forgot he can't have if he wants to keep his lie about why he had a stroke working.
106. Jack then ends this folly of a video by pretending he has business relations and sponsorships by ZGrill, when in reality he just hoards their grills.
106b. By the way fat boy, when I'm going through your vids to catalogue your autistic shirt choices, what happened to your Grilla shit? You actually seemingly were sponsored by them for that one food wars thing!
107. Jack ends the video by complaining about how he totally got the best deal with that blind box scam he fell for, after belting out several fake ways to contact him... he tellingly doesn't mention twitter because he got owned on it recently.
1b. I'm guessing it's because his Grimmace shirt is too stained for him to wear, or because he's been mocked for only wearing it lately.
2. Gourd N. Ramsay is now gone from the kitchen, proving once again Jack is a mantoddler who is desperately trying to own the haters in some way.
2b. By the way, both the bacon up and Jack's grease is still visible, but Jack moved the former to the other side to try and hide how he probably uses it to wank or he just fucking eats it with a spoon.
3. Anywho, it opens with a Dutch Angle Shot, and Jack again stating he is going on another Gluttony Wars tour, which he's likely only doing because I make fun of him for burbling out "wars" as a verbal tick, akin to a parrot belching out video game noises.
4. Jack uses the royal "we" multiple times when he reminisces on how he's going to eat ALL the pulled pork, and ALL the wings.
4b. Mainly because Jack doesn't have any friends left really, so there isn't anyone but him who wants to do this.
5. Jack tries to flex a bit by describing how Carolina BBQ is mustard based and has a vinegar element to it, likely again he's still fuming over being mocked for his non-existing palate.
6. Jack gurgles about how he's totally going to find the "best places" for this stuff, so expect a lot of shitty chain stores in strip malls, or failing Barbecue places that spec in quantity over quality.
7. Jack blatantly lies about surveying people's opinions on the best barbecue places, because he wants to pretend he doesn't struggle to get 1k views now.
8. "We have everything planned out" ~ Jack Scalfani on just going to random chain places
9. Jack proclaims that this is the Third Wars tour he's done, so I guess even he admits that some of those retarded two or three "whatever wars" he does sometimes when he remembers they got sponsorships weren't real.
10. Jack states he's going to announce an hour or so before he waddles into a place where he is, which is a clear attempt to pretend that he's not a feedbackophobic coward hoping his tiny audience base isn't near any places.
11. "FAGGOT" ~ The stinger on Jack's poor video cut
11b. Fuck me, I just realized I'm only a minute in...
12. Jack tries to pretend that he has a thought process for when he smokes food, claiming he's doing brisket because it's something Tammy likes
12b. Given I know he puts Jalapenos in this due to his flexing on Facebook, this is a fucking lie; in reality he just wanted to shove meat down his throat.
13. Jack states he might cut the brisket in half, when this is just him trying to pretend he isn't a glutton who will eat all 15 pounds of meat in one or two days.
14. Jack, being a retard with no taste buds that work anymore, burbles about how he needs bacon to make brisket taste better.
14b. Because god forbid just enjoying the rich flavor brisket has already when you let it rest in paper/foil for a while and after giving it a beautiful crust of salt, pepper, and garlic to amplify that flavor.
15. Jack literally is applying the same stupid logic he has with pizza with this; he is now bragging about how stuffing a brisket is totally genius and not fucking retarded.
16. Haha, nice try on your lie about doing this for Tammy Jack you retarded fat faggot.
16b. At 1:51, not even a minute after he said he's doing this because Tammy likes brisket, he slips out "what do I like".
16c. He couldn't even pretend to care about anyone but himself for a whole minute, it's a miracle she hasn't just violently suffocated him with a pillow in his sleep.
17. "We're gonna grind it all together and make a mush out of it" ~ Jack's blood cells on what to do with his brain
18. Jack then says that they should get something "very delicious" when you can't taste anything but bacon and spice.
18b. The fucked thing is not even a year ago he actually made a decent brisket.
19. Jack cheers in childish glee about how constantly asking "what else should I add" always makes things better.
19b. In reality, simple is sweet; Rob's troll video perfectly shows how just knowing basic cooking principles will always be better.
20. Jack states that there's a cut off point in adding shit where "It's the best I'll probably ever do".
20b. In reality, he totally should've marinated it in yogurt and lemon juice, then did all this horseshit.
20c. Hell, he should've poured ranch all over it, fuck it at this point.
21. Jack admits he's horngry over the pounds of meat he's going to consume.
22. Jack does his "come in close" spiel that he usually uses as a signal to cut to his stinger to show how his horrible stuffing will work.
23. And looking at it and it's actually fucking worse than I thought.
23b. See, a normal stuffing's purpose is to hold in the meat water when it cooks and to add flavor, and there's no starches or anything to absorb said brisket water in this.
23c. Instead, we get a mix of green bell peppers, his nuclear garlic, a whole gigantic vidallia onion, jalapenos, and goddamn blue cheese.
24. Jack then explains his logic on why he picked the items he did, and it's just summed as "I like them"
24b. There is a bit of a joke when he blatantly lies about how Jalapeno is a "mild hot"; them fuckers kick in quick and are usually serve as an upper limit to those with little tolerance.
24c. He's really excited to have them because this fat fucking faggot knows Tammy hates heat like this.
25. I don't understand why Jack wants bell peppers when he won't be able to taste them... oh yeah more calories.
26. He literally just childishly went mine for all of these and selected them for that... except the Jalepenos; those are a spite pick.
27. So anyways, brisket has no need for stuffing; there is no point due to the fact you're gonna let it rest for two hours.
28. Whew that was a hard cut; it just suddenly janks to Jack having a processor out now and setting it up.
29. Jack warns the viewer that you shouldn't work with the food processor if it's plugged in... why do I think he nearly lost fingers now?
30. Jack stretches run time via slowly putting in halved peppers and checking the processor's settings before he finally plugs it in.
31. Jack mulches the Jalapenos into a quasi-paste; half chunk, half goo, all gross.
32. Jack again shows he's scared of the blender when he unplugs it again to show us the mulched peppers.
33. It then cuts to when Jack finishes mulching everything into that gross balance between guac and relish all of a sudden.
34. Mushbrain calls his processed vegetable flesh "mush", I'm amused by it.
34b. OH HEY FLOPPY BOWL'S BACK! I see you Floppy Bowl.
35. Jack loud-talks for no reason about other cheese types you can use; no clue why he got angy here.
36. And he dumps the whole bowl of fungal cheese, hell yeah it's gonna be puke inducing if you hate that smell.
36b. MMM MMM this brisket tastes like FOOT.
36c. You know, I never thought of putting cheese on a brisket... maybe a brisket sandwich, but not a brisket like this.
37. Jack takes what I suspect is mild glee at the idea some of his haters get squeamish when he contaminates food by quickly gurning out "getchuhandindere" as he starts squishing the mix into its full final form.
37b. It really doesn't Jack, but keep dreaming.
38. Jack then proclaims after a cut that he's going to do something he hasn't done in years and HAHAHAHAHA-
*one bout of uproarious laughter later*
38b. This stupid motherfucker is actually going to try and use his dead hand to help cut this!
38c. I guess Tammy is done with helping him for this fucking video; well let's see how bad he does this.
39. Jack then uses his boning knife to saw apart the brisket in half.
40. You hear Jack exhale in minor exhaustion before it cuts to the halved brisket being finished.
41. OH GOD ROUND TWO
41b. JACK IS ACTUALLY GOING TO TRY AND BUTTERFLY CUT THIS FUCKER OKAY LET'S GO HERE WE GO
42. And Jack proves he doesn't know how to do a butterfly cut just from the placement of his boning knife; ideally you start at the edges and go diagonal until you match thickness when you spread it out.
42b. Also that's a lot of blood and moisture he's losing by doing this stupid fucking idea.
43. Oh fuck off Jack.
43b. The fat man, realizing that he might look like a fool, cuts to when he's "finished" with the butterfly cut.
43c. The final product of it looks horrible, since there's a clear ridge due to not positioning the cut right.
44. Jack then decides to season his mangled meat with unspecifed seasoning, of course picking the fattiest side because he's retarded and doesn't understand that you can't osmosis salt and flavor through fat really.
45. Jack manages to somehow do the worst seasoning pour ever with this bottle of kinder he's using.
45b. Oh hey, Rob used that brand too.
46. "I like heavy seasoning" ~ Jack after pouring a full shot of seasoning poorly over one side of the brisket.
47. Jack then doubles down on the garlic taste with more garlic seasoning because again, his taste buds no worky work; he only detects texture, not flavor.
48. Might as well explain what the smart move would've been to seasoning this; mix your dries together to guarantee an even blend.
49. Well I now understand why Jack's shitty briskets always look like lumps of mineral I picked out of a mineshaft with that fuckload from two shakers he poured on.
50. My right eye twitches as Jack fucking seasons the interior despite his making of that maggot mush earlier that would do the same thing but better.
50b. And no, the fat side has no seasoning; it also isn't thinned. Why would it?
51. Jack calls missing about 45% of the inside of the brisket with the seasoning mix "beautiful"; I think that's also a word the fat man doesn't understand now and he just burbles like a parrot going "WUEUEUEUEUEUE" from a random toy his owner has.
52. Jack whines like a child over his seasoning; likely being full of moisture due to poor storage, not coming out right.
53. Jack then offscreen removes the lid or shakes vigorously out of anger so he can just fucking dump it all out.
54. Jack quickly makes an excuse about how that seasoning will "just fall off" as he transports it, proving he knows dick about anything.
55. The maggot mush is condensating in that tub and I hate it.
56. Anyways, Jack then starts putting that mush on top of all that fucking seasoning.
56b. Calling it now; this will be dry as fuck when he's done with it.
57. Oh god the mush expanded like a fucking organism when he stopped slamming it down... I'm happy I didn't eat yet.
58. Oh good, the maggot mush water is pouring out, let's make this look exactly like an infected cyst why don't we.
59. Jack rolls over the flap of meat and there's a big hole in it where there wasn't last time.
60. Also for those wondering, yes he seriously over stuffed it given the layering showing how it won't close right.
61. Anywho let's finally get to the bacon...
62. Jack salts his brisket harder than Rome salted Carthage; even Cato the Elder would be like "bruh chill".
63. It should be stated though that this video again proves that Jack thinks the whole item needs to be covered to the point you barely see the previous layer for the seasoning to work.
64. Jack giggles like a toddler since he has all these tastes he can get into his mouth, and since there's no recipe to steal apparently he's riding off the high of us not calling him out on it.
65. Shit... let me take a break, I still have seven minutes of this to go through:
*one music and video binge later*
66. Right then, where was I?
67. Oh yeah, Jack was praising himself for experimenting as he pours like a fourth of a bottle of seasoning on it.
67b. So here's the thing; I actually agree with Jack it's nice to experiment; I like to occasionally try to make variations of Journey cakes for that reason.
67c. But at the end of the day, there's some experiments that should not be, like this one.
68. Oh lord, Jack's letting it stew a day... this is oozing its way into MovieBob and Brundlefly tier for me.
69. Anyways, Tammy's back from her day with Jim, and Jack now can have mommy wife do the things for him as he comments instead.
70. Jack, again proving he forgot how cooking shows work, doesn't show you the viewer how to do a bacon weave. He just shows you the finished weave instead.
70b. There's a lot of reasons Young Jack had more views than current Jack, and one of them was he showed how to do stuff sometimes.
71. Jack groans in annoyance about how hard it will be to bacon weave all around the brisket... despite how it's going to be Tammy that does it.
71b. Also telling that Jack puts more effort in using two pounds of bacon than he does seasoning anything right.
72. Jack simpers about his wife's abilities in an attempt to lovebomb her in public; again it's a miracle she doesn't murder him.
73. Jack again proves he thinks there are different types of toothpick.
74. Hard cut to the middle of the night with Jack's newest hoarding item, that ZSmoke thing he blind bought because Rooster McConnaughey embarrassed him live on national TV and he's still butthurt about it.
75. Delusional Jack again proves he has delusions of reference with his childish fascination with brands that use the name "Jack" in them with his pellets of choice.
76. Jack shows the sunk cost fallacy as he rationalizes his hideous hoarding problem with smokers and grills.
77. Jack also lies his fat fucking ass off about needing to smoke high for the first time; he just wants an excuse to cook hot despite brisket doing best low and slow.
78. Jack explains his desire to save all the grease from the cooking process, likely so he has a tasty drink to go with his meal.
79. For all his delusion and whining about getting owned by hibbedy gibbedy prospecter folk on the TV, Jack doesn't know the purpose of that release valve and funnel on his smoker.
80. Jack is antsy and gleeful as the first bits of smoke release, and he stupidly has his smoker open, because he's a fat retard who doesn't understand you need it closed to retain moisture and heat.
81. Jack finally realizes and sulks about how his new toy doesn't have a meat probe despite owning it for days beforehand.
81b. This was likely one of several reasons why these things are on clearance and sold as blind boxes to scam idiots like him.
82. Jack tries to flex over how to smoke a brisket by reading off the basics of cooking one.
82b. That is to say cook until around 165 degrees F, then cook wrapped in foil or butcher paper until 200 - 205 degrees F or so, and then rest for a couple hours.
83. Jack once more shows he picks the minimum time possible when it comes to cooking; he gurns out that you let brisket rest for an hour, while in reality you probably should for two hours.
84. Jack is surprised that the meat, which was baking in a cooler that's designed to insulate what's in it from outside temperatures for an hour, is still very hot.
85. So funny thing is Jack bleats you're supposed to use butcher paper, but he uses foil for this one. What a mushbrain.
86. Jack is sad that the massively and hideously overcooked bacon got "brokt".
87. Jack then does the dumbest thing yet in this video, my god, and cuts it lengthwise rather than width wise like everyone cuts brisket for sampling.
88. Jack stabs the cutting board several times before he jump cuts to when it's open and OH FUCK IT'S GROSS.
89. This looks like the aftermath of cooking meat that had an abscess in it.
89b. The brisket looks under cooked, there's almost no smoke ring, and the "stuffing" looks like literal fucking rot.
90. "That's beautiful" ~ Jack on a rotten fucking pile of meat
91. Jack has the audacity to lie about the meat falling apart when it clearly didn't as he cut through it.
91b. Also I expect brisket to be tender, not fall apart tender.
92. Jack then spoons a full pile of his maggot mush, and gives it a sniff.
93. "Smells spicy" ~ Jack on a pile of mush that includes jalapenos with seeds, and two fuckloads of seasoning that it stewed in for a day.
94. Also I just noticed the Bacon Up moved from its' spot; Jack eats or wanks with it confirmed.
95. HAHAHA Jack tried to stop his eyes from looking up as he tried processing what he just shoveled into his gullet; he's trying to learn to lie better.
96. Jack of course moos out an "MMM" to pretend it came out good, because this fat narcissistic baby can't stand ever failing.
97. Jack intentionally uses smokey as his flavor profile, because he's very angy when I and others point out he has no taste palate.
97b. Seriously, he should be mostly tasting the garlic given how much Nuclear Garlic and Garlic seasoning he used.
98. Jack then wants some meat, so we get some Giraffe tongue action too.
98b. Though not as much as you'd expect; I suspect he's trying spite us or hide how gluttonous he is by trying to restrain his impulse to stick his tongue out for maximum first meat contact.
99. Jack couldn't moo out an "MMM" because he's very shocked by how overseasoned that fucker is.
99b. Seriously, he struggles for like a good second or two trying to figure out how to pretend what he made was good, going so far as to duck his head to try to hide his distaste for it by veiling his eyes.
100. Jack describes the brisket as "tender and wet", because again, he's the only weirdo who uses wet to describe food.
101. Jack again tries to own me and others via trying to describe what he's tasting using single descriptors from all the components.
101b, Case in point, crunchy from the bacon (which his slice didn't have), spicy from the maggot mush, and tender and wet from the base meat.
101c. In reality he's probably just tasting salt, garlic's unique warm pungeance, bacon's porkiness, and jalapeno's spice and bitterness.
102. Jack desperately tries to say this was a success because he's a narcissist who is mentally and emotionally unable to take Ls.
103. Jack slips how he sees 6.5 pounds of meat and 1 pound of bacon and 1 pound of mush is a "snack" to him.
104. Jack again pretends he likes getting fan responses, all while blocking people from Facebook and holding all comments for review like the bitch he is.
105. He also again proves he has more in common with a shitlib soy boy by being pumped for fall and them pumpkin spice lattes he forgot he can't have if he wants to keep his lie about why he had a stroke working.
106. Jack then ends this folly of a video by pretending he has business relations and sponsorships by ZGrill, when in reality he just hoards their grills.
106b. By the way fat boy, when I'm going through your vids to catalogue your autistic shirt choices, what happened to your Grilla shit? You actually seemingly were sponsored by them for that one food wars thing!
107. Jack ends the video by complaining about how he totally got the best deal with that blind box scam he fell for, after belting out several fake ways to contact him... he tellingly doesn't mention twitter because he got owned on it recently.
Fuck me this was Tolstoy's War and Peace to get through. It was an infinite fractal of suck.
Dondeld Dock
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 10, 2021
Considering his past dishes, in this case for example the infamous Aunt Myrna's party cheese salad, which is literally uneatable by most humans due to really bizarre choice of ingredients, but Jack eats it just happily, gives an idea that Jack's taste of things is unique in terms in combining conflicting ingredients and calling them tasty. How he sees any of these dishes good is a joke in itself. In this video he just slaps stuff inside the brisket that no sane person wouldn't even think of. He puts veggies in there, uneven application of various seasoning and blue cheese? Jack knows no limit.
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2021
What a waste of brisket.... looks vile and undercooked as well.
- Joined
- Jan 29, 2021
Well, if you like @Adamska 's offering you...might like mine? Hey, I was 2/3s done when he posted, I wasn't going to NOT finish and have that suffering be for nothing!
_18 minutes...pray for me.
-Jack begins by attempting to convince us he knows Carolina BBQ. He fails, as expected. You can search more than one page on Google, you know.
-He intends to broadcast an hour or two before he goes to a place for BBQ Wars. "Jack Scalfani called for help, But no one came." He's more terrifying than Giygas after Pokey turns of the Devil Machine.
-Like the RKO, the title comes abruptly OUTTA NOWHERE!!!!
-WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE "PROBABLY" SMOKING A BRISKIT?! Motherfucker, this dumbass doesn't even know what the video's about before he makes it!
-Thecock brisket is so huge he needs to cut it in half. Can't fit it all in your mouth for once, fatty?
-Jack channels Epic Meal Time because bacon apparently makes brisket better.
-Jack, you don't need to add anything to good meat. Oh wait, you're cooking it. Poor farm sanimals dying in vain to feed the hunger ghost...
-Fuck, I'm only at 1:44?!
-Jack thinks about stuffing it with things he likes, despite the fact he's making the brisket for Tammy. #1 husband!
-Jack spergs about how excited he is to eat this Frankensteinian abomination that's an insult to culinarians
everywhere.
-Just showing the ingredients for the "stuffing" is making me ill. That poor cow...
-I feel sorry for Jack's food processor. Making such an abomination against its will like that...
-These jump cuts are making me seasick. Or is it the stuffing...?
-Bunch of mush is right. Who wants to eat that? Other than Jack.
-Oh god, I forgot about the bleu cheese! Apparently you can use parmesan or cheddar too? Just smoke the fucking brisket!
-He puts his hand in the mush to mix it. I contemplate suicide, but decide to persevere.
-Jack forces his Kandy Klaw on the meat to cut it, sounding disappointed it's not a penis.
-Holy fuck, that brisket could feed an African village for a month! AND IT'S ONLY BEEN 6 MINUTES?!
_Of course he uses the bigger half...
-Jack's going to butterfly the brisket with his Kandy Klaw. Is Tammy finally tired of doing the fat man's cutting?
-The knife goes in and...JUMP CUT!
-Jack says he has no recipe for this dish. Color me shocked!
-Jack grabs his favorite seasoning while the brisket does an impression of a depressed octopus. I also do my impression of a depressed octopus.
-Holy shit, it doesn't need THAT much seasoning!
-We see more of Jack seasoning the meat than we do of him cutting it. Bet Tammy cut it off camera.
-Jack puts his mush on the brisket. Only been about ten minutes. Stay strong, EnemyStand...
-Over seasoned, over stuffed, too big brisket. "I have no idea what I'm doing." No shit.
-NO JACK, WE WON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T SHARE YOUR COOK TIMES WITH US! Not that I'd want to do...whatever this insult to the life of a prey animal this is.
-Mommy wife lays out the bacon and threads it. That pig died in vain...
-Is Tammy...going to make another bacon net...? No...
-Jack cooks at night, so we can't see the Grill Graveyard.
-He sounds more excited to be using the smoker than he is to actually be cooking. What a man!
-Oh my lord, no one cares about your fucking smoker Jack! We know you're a bitch, stop pretending to be masculine!
-He talks like he's an authority on smokers. What a smooth brain. He's only an authority on eating food a beggar would turn his nose up at.
-Bluetooth thermometer? Why do you need that?!
-THE PERFECT FORMULA FOR SMOKING BRISKET IS NOT COVERING IT IN BACK AND STUFFING IT WITH GREEN DIARRHEA!
-Three minutes left...gotta calm down...
-This makes me more MATI then when he was talking about grills. I can feel my blood vessels contracting.
-The insult to God's creations is finished. This is what Jack Scalfani does with free will.
-It all looks gross. Rock hard bacon, dry as sand brisket, and mushy as mud stuffing. Just eat literal dirt, people. It's less calories.
-"Beautiful." Well, he married Tammy, so...
-It's all falling apart? Sure Jan. What do I expect? For a Christian to have a bit more respect for the animals that were put on this Earth to feed us.
-Jack adds a new adjective to his critique. "Smoky." Well gee, I'd hope so since it was COOKED IN A SMOKER!
-Jack, what does a smoke rink have to do with taste? And by the way, judging by the amount of force you used to pull that piece of meat off, it is not tender. And wet? That's fucking bacon grease, you tard.
-Oh man, he IS out of ideas. He told people to write him with their ideas so he can steal those! What's the matter, Jack? Is Babish coming after you?
-This was a review? Seriously? He said nothing about it other than how to use the smoker!
-Jack, your mouth is watering because the meat's so tough you need extra saliva to help break it down! YOU FUCKED UP YOUR BRISKET!
-Finally, my suffering is concluded...
-Jack begins by attempting to convince us he knows Carolina BBQ. He fails, as expected. You can search more than one page on Google, you know.
-He intends to broadcast an hour or two before he goes to a place for BBQ Wars. "Jack Scalfani called for help, But no one came." He's more terrifying than Giygas after Pokey turns of the Devil Machine.
-Like the RKO, the title comes abruptly OUTTA NOWHERE!!!!
-WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE "PROBABLY" SMOKING A BRISKIT?! Motherfucker, this dumbass doesn't even know what the video's about before he makes it!
-The
-Jack channels Epic Meal Time because bacon apparently makes brisket better.
-Jack, you don't need to add anything to good meat. Oh wait, you're cooking it. Poor farm sanimals dying in vain to feed the hunger ghost...
-Fuck, I'm only at 1:44?!
-Jack thinks about stuffing it with things he likes, despite the fact he's making the brisket for Tammy. #1 husband!
-Jack spergs about how excited he is to eat this Frankensteinian abomination that's an insult to culinarians
everywhere.
-Just showing the ingredients for the "stuffing" is making me ill. That poor cow...
-I feel sorry for Jack's food processor. Making such an abomination against its will like that...
-These jump cuts are making me seasick. Or is it the stuffing...?
-Bunch of mush is right. Who wants to eat that? Other than Jack.
-Oh god, I forgot about the bleu cheese! Apparently you can use parmesan or cheddar too? Just smoke the fucking brisket!
-He puts his hand in the mush to mix it. I contemplate suicide, but decide to persevere.
-Jack forces his Kandy Klaw on the meat to cut it, sounding disappointed it's not a penis.
-Holy fuck, that brisket could feed an African village for a month! AND IT'S ONLY BEEN 6 MINUTES?!
_Of course he uses the bigger half...
-Jack's going to butterfly the brisket with his Kandy Klaw. Is Tammy finally tired of doing the fat man's cutting?
-The knife goes in and...JUMP CUT!
-Jack says he has no recipe for this dish. Color me shocked!
-Jack grabs his favorite seasoning while the brisket does an impression of a depressed octopus. I also do my impression of a depressed octopus.
-Holy shit, it doesn't need THAT much seasoning!
-We see more of Jack seasoning the meat than we do of him cutting it. Bet Tammy cut it off camera.
-Jack puts his mush on the brisket. Only been about ten minutes. Stay strong, EnemyStand...
-Over seasoned, over stuffed, too big brisket. "I have no idea what I'm doing." No shit.
-NO JACK, WE WON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T SHARE YOUR COOK TIMES WITH US! Not that I'd want to do...whatever this insult to the life of a prey animal this is.
-Mommy wife lays out the bacon and threads it. That pig died in vain...
-Is Tammy...going to make another bacon net...? No...
-Jack cooks at night, so we can't see the Grill Graveyard.
-He sounds more excited to be using the smoker than he is to actually be cooking. What a man!
-Oh my lord, no one cares about your fucking smoker Jack! We know you're a bitch, stop pretending to be masculine!
-He talks like he's an authority on smokers. What a smooth brain. He's only an authority on eating food a beggar would turn his nose up at.
-Bluetooth thermometer? Why do you need that?!
-THE PERFECT FORMULA FOR SMOKING BRISKET IS NOT COVERING IT IN BACK AND STUFFING IT WITH GREEN DIARRHEA!
-Three minutes left...gotta calm down...
-This makes me more MATI then when he was talking about grills. I can feel my blood vessels contracting.
-The insult to God's creations is finished. This is what Jack Scalfani does with free will.
-It all looks gross. Rock hard bacon, dry as sand brisket, and mushy as mud stuffing. Just eat literal dirt, people. It's less calories.
-"Beautiful." Well, he married Tammy, so...
-It's all falling apart? Sure Jan. What do I expect? For a Christian to have a bit more respect for the animals that were put on this Earth to feed us.
-Jack adds a new adjective to his critique. "Smoky." Well gee, I'd hope so since it was COOKED IN A SMOKER!
-Jack, what does a smoke rink have to do with taste? And by the way, judging by the amount of force you used to pull that piece of meat off, it is not tender. And wet? That's fucking bacon grease, you tard.
-Oh man, he IS out of ideas. He told people to write him with their ideas so he can steal those! What's the matter, Jack? Is Babish coming after you?
-This was a review? Seriously? He said nothing about it other than how to use the smoker!
-Jack, your mouth is watering because the meat's so tough you need extra saliva to help break it down! YOU FUCKED UP YOUR BRISKET!
-Finally, my suffering is concluded...