- Joined
- Jun 17, 2018
*This Blog and its content is NOT to be republished on and in any other form of media without my explicit permission. Doing so will result in legal action.*
I am in a strange place as of lately. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I am a shell of the strong person I once was. I feel defeated and the kind of depression I’ve never felt possible.
I see others who are so excited for phalloplasty and I just want to scream out and tell them, it’s not the answer. That this surgery is not up to the standards it should be, that Surgeons and their aftercare are subpar.
I went to one of the most sought out surgeons in the world and what I experienced is much like a horror film. Keep in mind, I was physically/mentally strong at the time. But, while I am not the type of person who has a victim mindset or complex, I really feel as though my surgeon lied. Many of us feel this way. He kept telling me that this surgery has a less than 5% complication rate. That the complications were simple to fix should they happen. Turns out, even the best surgeon in the world has at least a 30-40 and even 50% complication rate. Also, people were having irreversible complications at that time I questioned him. Horrible ones. Even when I asked many times, he wasn’t transparent about them. I think that is what bothers me the most. Is that I had planned on metoidiplasty and then he (without my even asking) started talking about phalloplasty and how great it was. This obviously peaked my interest and yet I was told on many occasions that it was nothing to be afraid of. Had I known now what would unfold, I would have never gotten the surgery. I am very level headed and quite honestly, I don’t wish this on anyone.
So here I am, with a phallus that hardly works. Here I am having gone from a very healthy sex life to literally ZERO, yes, ZERO sex in the last three years. I can’t explain the level of inadequacy I feel. I’ve sought out other surgeons and they all say the same thing, that I ought to remove what I have and start over. The worst part is? The nerve that creates the erogenous sensation will no longer work. You can’t hook it up twice. Again, had I known this as a possibility, had I known half my dick would rot off, had I simply had a surgeon who was transparent, I would have never opted for it.
I feel like the most sacred part of me was stolen. Sure, I signed up for this surgery, I take responsibility. But when the list of facts and complication rates are not fully presented to me, that is negligent on his part. Withholding pertinent information that could change someone’s mind, is crucial. When you are seeking to make $400k on someone’s surgery, I can understand why a surgeon would want to leave it all out. It’s greedy, it’s ego drive, it’s cruel. I am left to pick up the pieces. I am left to foot the bill and add on $500 in monthly therapy. I am left with crippling depression.
Here’s the thing though, even if everything would have turned out slightly okay, I’m telling you, this sh*t doesn’t look real. I obviously saw hundreds of pictures, so obviously I knew it wouldn’t look like a cis penis. I consider myself to be a very well-informed, educated, down-to-earth person with expectations. But, the feeling I had pre surgery, the sensation, the pure bliss, it will never ever be the same. The sensation they tell you that you will feel, it’s a blatant lie. Just many of us aren’t willing to be honest.
I don’t know why so many of us are so shamed in not speaking up or out. When many of us do, we are ridiculed, we are SHAMED by our brothers. I can understand in a sense. There is so much red tape for us to get through to even have access to these surgeries, that if some or many (yes, there are more of us that feel this way than most know about), it could cause less access for others. I am tired of feeling like I don’t have a voice, I’m tired of being in the middle of trying to be PC, not give out too much information because I know from experience, that it only makes people angry. People seeking it out try to ignore the facts (or aren’t given them properly), they are blinded by excitement. I too was once in that boat. I’m no longer scared to be forthright in my opinions. I also understand it’s a balancing act of simply stating MY facts, MY opinions and also having to say “Oh, well my words do not reflect the opinions and experiences of all trans folks.”
To me, this surgery isn’t worth it. To me, it exacerbated my dysphoria. To me, there is and was something beautiful about my body pre-surgery. To me, I think more focus on questioning my desires to get this surgery, more focus on learning to love the body I was in was the answer. This surgery, isn’t going to change or cure dysphoria. Often, it will take a very long time for one’s brain to catch up with this new thing on their body. But even then, it’s not the same as before. It never will be.
I just want to put parts of my thoughts/story out there in case someone may relate to, be questioning or wanting to get phalloplasty. It isn’t as amazing as so many make it out to be. I don’t know why people are more obsessed about making it seem incredible via YouTube and Instagram. I wish more of us would really lay it out, but again, I know why I haven’t before. As I mentioned, people aren’t willing to listen, they just get angry. There isn’t much support.
In closing, we also feel like we need to worship these surgeons when honestly (excluding the one surgeon I have come into contact with who seems to care) see us as a cash cow. Just be careful, protect yourself. Do some really deep inner work. Question WHY you feel the need to get it. I really think it’s up to a person to feel whole and do that unsettling inner work. Getting surgery isn’t going to complete someone. It has to happen in your brain first. I’ll write more later. Maybe I’ll be more detailed but I am also wanting to stay anonymous.
I am in a strange place as of lately. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I am a shell of the strong person I once was. I feel defeated and the kind of depression I’ve never felt possible.
I see others who are so excited for phalloplasty and I just want to scream out and tell them, it’s not the answer. That this surgery is not up to the standards it should be, that Surgeons and their aftercare are subpar.
I went to one of the most sought out surgeons in the world and what I experienced is much like a horror film. Keep in mind, I was physically/mentally strong at the time. But, while I am not the type of person who has a victim mindset or complex, I really feel as though my surgeon lied. Many of us feel this way. He kept telling me that this surgery has a less than 5% complication rate. That the complications were simple to fix should they happen. Turns out, even the best surgeon in the world has at least a 30-40 and even 50% complication rate. Also, people were having irreversible complications at that time I questioned him. Horrible ones. Even when I asked many times, he wasn’t transparent about them. I think that is what bothers me the most. Is that I had planned on metoidiplasty and then he (without my even asking) started talking about phalloplasty and how great it was. This obviously peaked my interest and yet I was told on many occasions that it was nothing to be afraid of. Had I known now what would unfold, I would have never gotten the surgery. I am very level headed and quite honestly, I don’t wish this on anyone.
So here I am, with a phallus that hardly works. Here I am having gone from a very healthy sex life to literally ZERO, yes, ZERO sex in the last three years. I can’t explain the level of inadequacy I feel. I’ve sought out other surgeons and they all say the same thing, that I ought to remove what I have and start over. The worst part is? The nerve that creates the erogenous sensation will no longer work. You can’t hook it up twice. Again, had I known this as a possibility, had I known half my dick would rot off, had I simply had a surgeon who was transparent, I would have never opted for it.
I feel like the most sacred part of me was stolen. Sure, I signed up for this surgery, I take responsibility. But when the list of facts and complication rates are not fully presented to me, that is negligent on his part. Withholding pertinent information that could change someone’s mind, is crucial. When you are seeking to make $400k on someone’s surgery, I can understand why a surgeon would want to leave it all out. It’s greedy, it’s ego drive, it’s cruel. I am left to pick up the pieces. I am left to foot the bill and add on $500 in monthly therapy. I am left with crippling depression.
Here’s the thing though, even if everything would have turned out slightly okay, I’m telling you, this sh*t doesn’t look real. I obviously saw hundreds of pictures, so obviously I knew it wouldn’t look like a cis penis. I consider myself to be a very well-informed, educated, down-to-earth person with expectations. But, the feeling I had pre surgery, the sensation, the pure bliss, it will never ever be the same. The sensation they tell you that you will feel, it’s a blatant lie. Just many of us aren’t willing to be honest.
I don’t know why so many of us are so shamed in not speaking up or out. When many of us do, we are ridiculed, we are SHAMED by our brothers. I can understand in a sense. There is so much red tape for us to get through to even have access to these surgeries, that if some or many (yes, there are more of us that feel this way than most know about), it could cause less access for others. I am tired of feeling like I don’t have a voice, I’m tired of being in the middle of trying to be PC, not give out too much information because I know from experience, that it only makes people angry. People seeking it out try to ignore the facts (or aren’t given them properly), they are blinded by excitement. I too was once in that boat. I’m no longer scared to be forthright in my opinions. I also understand it’s a balancing act of simply stating MY facts, MY opinions and also having to say “Oh, well my words do not reflect the opinions and experiences of all trans folks.”
To me, this surgery isn’t worth it. To me, it exacerbated my dysphoria. To me, there is and was something beautiful about my body pre-surgery. To me, I think more focus on questioning my desires to get this surgery, more focus on learning to love the body I was in was the answer. This surgery, isn’t going to change or cure dysphoria. Often, it will take a very long time for one’s brain to catch up with this new thing on their body. But even then, it’s not the same as before. It never will be.
I just want to put parts of my thoughts/story out there in case someone may relate to, be questioning or wanting to get phalloplasty. It isn’t as amazing as so many make it out to be. I don’t know why people are more obsessed about making it seem incredible via YouTube and Instagram. I wish more of us would really lay it out, but again, I know why I haven’t before. As I mentioned, people aren’t willing to listen, they just get angry. There isn’t much support.
In closing, we also feel like we need to worship these surgeons when honestly (excluding the one surgeon I have come into contact with who seems to care) see us as a cash cow. Just be careful, protect yourself. Do some really deep inner work. Question WHY you feel the need to get it. I really think it’s up to a person to feel whole and do that unsettling inner work. Getting surgery isn’t going to complete someone. It has to happen in your brain first. I’ll write more later. Maybe I’ll be more detailed but I am also wanting to stay anonymous.
I wanted to follow-up on my last blog. I had a fair amount of comments of those who were upset over some of my descriptions/opinions. I think that has been the issue for my silence for so many years. When I voice *my* issues, people take offense to it all. I am not sure why this is. I personally, prefer when people are open/honest/real.
This is why many of us do not come forward, because when we do try to give opposing insight or write experiences many wish to ignore, people get angry. Kind of reminds me of the recent Kavanaugh case. Also, I recognize that people need to be trigger warned constantly these days, which (in my opinion) doesn’t serve anyone in making fully informed decisions. I can’t sugar coat these raw, honest-to-god feelings that I have. It is a battle of trying to be as PC as I can but also be given the space on my blog to speak freely and work through this all.
I will not speak about how amazing it all is, because in truth.. in my truth.. it has been far from it. I’m no longer afraid to come forward. Coming forward has been a hurdle for the many of us who do regret phalloplasty. That is why there aren’t a lot of people who are genuinely open about it. The trans community will turn their backs, the conservatives THRIVE on stories like mine. It’s really a lose-lose situation and so we feel shamed into keeping our mouths shut. But seeing so many people gain access to these surgeries, (which is a good and bad thing), I’m hoping to make folks more informed on the horror stories. At least, my horror story.
When I say “it doesn’t look real”, I was talking about for myself. I have also talked with many other post-op folks who feel the same way. But I will also say, that as much as so many of us dream of it looking like someone who is cis, in my humble opinion, it doesn’t. Maybe close to it? With the lights on, no. I knew this going in. I’m many, many years into transition and having supposedly worked with one of the most sought out surgical teams… it doesn’t look cis. If they can’t do it.. hell, I don’t know who can. If this angers anyone, again, this is my opinion.
I feel like much of the community is so overly protective over these surgeons, so blinded by it all based on their excitement for it. It’s important for me to say, that I am a fairly educated person. I did an incredible amount of research on the ins & outs of it all. In fact, I will go as far to even say that I schooled a Kaiser Urologist who assists in these surgeries now (woo, scary), who didn’t even know they do a nerve hook-up…anastomosis…(or other details). Even while my first 15 day stay in the ICU (should have been 5), I had to even instruct nurses on certain things. Surgeon’s lingo and explanations were very clear to me, because I did take the time to research it all for years beforehand. So, I didn’t come into this surgery blindly.
I will however say, that the “world-renowned” surgeon here on the west coast that I went to lied about his complication rates. 5% or lower (what he claimed) is actually 40-60%. This is a huge negligent discrepancy. Withholding pertinent information like this is criminal and cruel. When I asked many times, if anyone had any damaging/irreversible/or complete loss of the phallus, he said “NO!” Well, now there are about 9 people suing him. (Good, I hope they take him down and find peace). Sure enough, people had before and were in the midst of these horrible complications as I asked him. Had I know about all of this, been given correct percentage rates, I would have never agreed to it. Ever. For me, phalloplasty isn’t life or death. To me, death is and has never been the answer. I desired this surgery to live a happier, fuller life. But it stole every ounce of self-esteem, happiness, I lost my voice (as mentioned above, too afraid to be honest and open), I lost the ability to connect with people in an intimate way-which has always been so sacred and beautiful to me. I also lost years of my life recovering, not being able to finish school because I had to make sure I had time to get revisions. This has set my career back completely. It has set back a lot of my life goals actually… and I’m not some wah-wah baby who can’t suck it up. I am incredibly strong emotionally/spiritually/mentally/was physically. This surgery changed me to my core and I am fighting to come back.
It isn’t necessarily my intention to give blanket statements. I am giving my opinions, voicing my thoughts for those on the fence. I’m giving insight from “the other side”. If I can save someone any sort of irreversible harm and/or if I can help someone who feels alone while they are currently working through their own phallo-related complications, if I can help INFORM people of realities that many of us face so that they are not as blind-sided as I was.. then I have done what I am hoping to do. Also, my form of therapy.. well, aside from the hundreds I pay out of pocket each mouth for actual therapy.
My next post will give a SHORTENED.. and I mean, condensed version of what I experienced as many have DM-ed me about. I am still facing many more surgeries.
I know, some of this is tough to hear. I will try to be sensitive and mindful of feelings, but as mentioned, I will not sugar coat it. If a person doesn’t like it… please, scroll down.
This is why many of us do not come forward, because when we do try to give opposing insight or write experiences many wish to ignore, people get angry. Kind of reminds me of the recent Kavanaugh case. Also, I recognize that people need to be trigger warned constantly these days, which (in my opinion) doesn’t serve anyone in making fully informed decisions. I can’t sugar coat these raw, honest-to-god feelings that I have. It is a battle of trying to be as PC as I can but also be given the space on my blog to speak freely and work through this all.
I will not speak about how amazing it all is, because in truth.. in my truth.. it has been far from it. I’m no longer afraid to come forward. Coming forward has been a hurdle for the many of us who do regret phalloplasty. That is why there aren’t a lot of people who are genuinely open about it. The trans community will turn their backs, the conservatives THRIVE on stories like mine. It’s really a lose-lose situation and so we feel shamed into keeping our mouths shut. But seeing so many people gain access to these surgeries, (which is a good and bad thing), I’m hoping to make folks more informed on the horror stories. At least, my horror story.
When I say “it doesn’t look real”, I was talking about for myself. I have also talked with many other post-op folks who feel the same way. But I will also say, that as much as so many of us dream of it looking like someone who is cis, in my humble opinion, it doesn’t. Maybe close to it? With the lights on, no. I knew this going in. I’m many, many years into transition and having supposedly worked with one of the most sought out surgical teams… it doesn’t look cis. If they can’t do it.. hell, I don’t know who can. If this angers anyone, again, this is my opinion.
I feel like much of the community is so overly protective over these surgeons, so blinded by it all based on their excitement for it. It’s important for me to say, that I am a fairly educated person. I did an incredible amount of research on the ins & outs of it all. In fact, I will go as far to even say that I schooled a Kaiser Urologist who assists in these surgeries now (woo, scary), who didn’t even know they do a nerve hook-up…anastomosis…(or other details). Even while my first 15 day stay in the ICU (should have been 5), I had to even instruct nurses on certain things. Surgeon’s lingo and explanations were very clear to me, because I did take the time to research it all for years beforehand. So, I didn’t come into this surgery blindly.
I will however say, that the “world-renowned” surgeon here on the west coast that I went to lied about his complication rates. 5% or lower (what he claimed) is actually 40-60%. This is a huge negligent discrepancy. Withholding pertinent information like this is criminal and cruel. When I asked many times, if anyone had any damaging/irreversible/or complete loss of the phallus, he said “NO!” Well, now there are about 9 people suing him. (Good, I hope they take him down and find peace). Sure enough, people had before and were in the midst of these horrible complications as I asked him. Had I know about all of this, been given correct percentage rates, I would have never agreed to it. Ever. For me, phalloplasty isn’t life or death. To me, death is and has never been the answer. I desired this surgery to live a happier, fuller life. But it stole every ounce of self-esteem, happiness, I lost my voice (as mentioned above, too afraid to be honest and open), I lost the ability to connect with people in an intimate way-which has always been so sacred and beautiful to me. I also lost years of my life recovering, not being able to finish school because I had to make sure I had time to get revisions. This has set my career back completely. It has set back a lot of my life goals actually… and I’m not some wah-wah baby who can’t suck it up. I am incredibly strong emotionally/spiritually/mentally/was physically. This surgery changed me to my core and I am fighting to come back.
It isn’t necessarily my intention to give blanket statements. I am giving my opinions, voicing my thoughts for those on the fence. I’m giving insight from “the other side”. If I can save someone any sort of irreversible harm and/or if I can help someone who feels alone while they are currently working through their own phallo-related complications, if I can help INFORM people of realities that many of us face so that they are not as blind-sided as I was.. then I have done what I am hoping to do. Also, my form of therapy.. well, aside from the hundreds I pay out of pocket each mouth for actual therapy.
My next post will give a SHORTENED.. and I mean, condensed version of what I experienced as many have DM-ed me about. I am still facing many more surgeries.
I know, some of this is tough to hear. I will try to be sensitive and mindful of feelings, but as mentioned, I will not sugar coat it. If a person doesn’t like it… please, scroll down.
I am providing a very short list of some of the complications I had. Maybe I’ll provide more DETAILED “details” later on.
I had ALT phalloplasty and what has resulted are some of the following issues:
-Additional surgeries to fix first surgery-still ongoing.
-14 days in the ICU instead of the normal 5, and then another 3ish days at CPMC. 5 surgeries so far and many more to come!
-Disfigurement of phallus
-Very little to no sensation
-Unable to get erectile implant for intimacy because the sensation isn’t enough and can cause it to erode through the skin.
-Loss of 40% of phallus due to necrosis. In fact, part of my phallus was rotting off.. and the surgeon just said “Use soap and water”. I literally had to PUSH and beg to get back in and fix it. This is actually a tame picture. The rest of it is black and awful. Oh they also left the doppler wires in it. Cool.
-Multiple blood transfusions
-The inability to urinate in the way I originally sought out surgery for due to complications of necrosis and blood flow issues which caused for the urethra lengthening to die. Because of the blood flow issues, I had to have leech therapy (had upwards of 100 leeches) throughout my duration in the ICU.
-Major leg atrophy and was unable to walk for about a month
-Major weight loss of about 20lbs from being bedridden.
-I also had to be rushed to the ER on because my catheter was plugged up (possibly do to build up of bacteria from my chronic UTI’s) and I couldn’t release my urine from my bladder. My suprapubic catheter hadn’t been changed since my surgery on 08/31/15 and should have been changed during one of my visits to Dr **** office because of the UTI’s and the buildup. This caused excruciating bladder pain as I held about three times as much urine as bladders can normally hold and according to the ER reports I suffered from doubt pyelonephritis (can be life threatening) and acute kidney injury.
-I was unable to work for roughly 7 months etc. because of surgeries and recovery.
-I also suffer now from major depression, anxiety, PTSD from everything I have endured and in thinking about future surgeries which I’m spending almost $500 a month for out of pocket to help work through these issues.
-I once had a very healthy sex life and have since not been able to have any sort of sexual intimacy with my partner as it isn’t possible.
-Will have to face many more surgeries and essentially, all of this is irreversible.
- After one of my last surgeries, I developed Shingles shortly after from a weakened immune system as well as had many other weird ailments and sicknesses.
-This isn’t over yet, the fun is just getting started!
I had ALT phalloplasty and what has resulted are some of the following issues:
-Additional surgeries to fix first surgery-still ongoing.
-14 days in the ICU instead of the normal 5, and then another 3ish days at CPMC. 5 surgeries so far and many more to come!
-Disfigurement of phallus
-Very little to no sensation
-Unable to get erectile implant for intimacy because the sensation isn’t enough and can cause it to erode through the skin.
-Loss of 40% of phallus due to necrosis. In fact, part of my phallus was rotting off.. and the surgeon just said “Use soap and water”. I literally had to PUSH and beg to get back in and fix it. This is actually a tame picture. The rest of it is black and awful. Oh they also left the doppler wires in it. Cool.
-Multiple blood transfusions
-The inability to urinate in the way I originally sought out surgery for due to complications of necrosis and blood flow issues which caused for the urethra lengthening to die. Because of the blood flow issues, I had to have leech therapy (had upwards of 100 leeches) throughout my duration in the ICU.
-Major leg atrophy and was unable to walk for about a month
-Major weight loss of about 20lbs from being bedridden.
-I also had to be rushed to the ER on because my catheter was plugged up (possibly do to build up of bacteria from my chronic UTI’s) and I couldn’t release my urine from my bladder. My suprapubic catheter hadn’t been changed since my surgery on 08/31/15 and should have been changed during one of my visits to Dr **** office because of the UTI’s and the buildup. This caused excruciating bladder pain as I held about three times as much urine as bladders can normally hold and according to the ER reports I suffered from doubt pyelonephritis (can be life threatening) and acute kidney injury.
-I was unable to work for roughly 7 months etc. because of surgeries and recovery.
-I also suffer now from major depression, anxiety, PTSD from everything I have endured and in thinking about future surgeries which I’m spending almost $500 a month for out of pocket to help work through these issues.
-I once had a very healthy sex life and have since not been able to have any sort of sexual intimacy with my partner as it isn’t possible.
-Will have to face many more surgeries and essentially, all of this is irreversible.
- After one of my last surgeries, I developed Shingles shortly after from a weakened immune system as well as had many other weird ailments and sicknesses.
-This isn’t over yet, the fun is just getting started!
For those who wish to pursue it, gender-affirming hormone therapy is *medically necessary* and *life-saving*
