- Joined
- Oct 1, 2013
I think the main difference between Anno and Fukuda is that Anno fucking matured. Fukuda's still acting like a 15 year old whining on dA that he's getting trolled. And this is almost 13 years after SEED initially aired.
Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.
- Thread starter Judge Holden
- Start date
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- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
Heh, I said hours. I meant days. Well anyways, here's another story on Benito, the fat weeb that does all sorts of nasty and dumb shit. This part will go into how Benito is the weakest and unhealthiest sumbitch I ever dun seen.
Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
It's been established by this point that Benito is an unhealthy guy. He weighs 600 pounds, and eats seven gigantic meals a day. The weight alone clearly shows this. Hell, he was actually once told by his own doctor to stop eating during one of his check-ups. Sure, the doctor wrote it as "severely reduce caloric intake", but that's just a medical way of saying he's too fucking fat and needs to stop eating. Benito is one of the reasons why America is so reluctant to get into public healthcare. The other two are taxes and communism.
But to compound this failure to thrive, Benito is the weakest person I have ever seen. He is almost utterly incapable of lifting anything whatsoever. His laptop for instance is something he considers very hard to lift up; Cole once asked him what he thought it weighed, and he instantly guessed it had to be over 50 lbs. For our non Murikan friends, that's about 25 or so kg. So in a way, you can say that Benito is vaguely like Chris in one respect; he severely overestimates how heavy something is by how much effort it takes to move it.
Benito, even before that point, back when he was a lithe 300 lbs/150 kg, he had piss weak upper arm strength. He once nearly threw out his back trying to lift the metal bar that you use to press. Now it does have some mass, but it's only 35 lbs/17 kg or so. It'd be something that's challenging for curling, but using your arms, legs, and back? It should've been an utter joke barring balancing it. But nope, nearly slipped a disk and hurt his back.
Nowadays, Benito has gotten even worse. I've seen him actually struggle to rip paper; as in he actually has to expend a bit of effort to do it. Like you see his muscles tense a bit and then the paper tears. Even worse, he can't even lift things heavier than 20 lbs/10 kg now. He took the family turkey for Thanksgiving to the table by dragging it and the plate on the ground since it was too hard to carry. No, seriously, he was holding it and dragging his knuckles across the floor like a caveman underneath the dish because holding it was too much hard/effort.
Yet another example of Benito being a weak fuck is that he actually considers standing to be challenging. He likes to minimize on walking, and actually complains if he has to do it for longer than a couple of minutes. Guy can't even sprint or run; his dad actually decided to try and clock his running speed with his station wagon; Benito got to about 6 mph/ 12kph before giving up the ghost on that one.
One last example of his weakness, which also ties into his fatness was how he will sweat like a pig even if he's just sitting there doing nothing. The saddest and most horrifying example is the time he had his very powerful AC unit blasting air at its coldest setting during a cooler fall day. His room was about near freezing as far as could be told; and yet he was still sweating bullets.
Right then, next session will be on how he is the worst gamer in the history of ever; even making DSP look like a pro.
Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
It's been established by this point that Benito is an unhealthy guy. He weighs 600 pounds, and eats seven gigantic meals a day. The weight alone clearly shows this. Hell, he was actually once told by his own doctor to stop eating during one of his check-ups. Sure, the doctor wrote it as "severely reduce caloric intake", but that's just a medical way of saying he's too fucking fat and needs to stop eating. Benito is one of the reasons why America is so reluctant to get into public healthcare. The other two are taxes and communism.
But to compound this failure to thrive, Benito is the weakest person I have ever seen. He is almost utterly incapable of lifting anything whatsoever. His laptop for instance is something he considers very hard to lift up; Cole once asked him what he thought it weighed, and he instantly guessed it had to be over 50 lbs. For our non Murikan friends, that's about 25 or so kg. So in a way, you can say that Benito is vaguely like Chris in one respect; he severely overestimates how heavy something is by how much effort it takes to move it.
Benito, even before that point, back when he was a lithe 300 lbs/150 kg, he had piss weak upper arm strength. He once nearly threw out his back trying to lift the metal bar that you use to press. Now it does have some mass, but it's only 35 lbs/17 kg or so. It'd be something that's challenging for curling, but using your arms, legs, and back? It should've been an utter joke barring balancing it. But nope, nearly slipped a disk and hurt his back.
Nowadays, Benito has gotten even worse. I've seen him actually struggle to rip paper; as in he actually has to expend a bit of effort to do it. Like you see his muscles tense a bit and then the paper tears. Even worse, he can't even lift things heavier than 20 lbs/10 kg now. He took the family turkey for Thanksgiving to the table by dragging it and the plate on the ground since it was too hard to carry. No, seriously, he was holding it and dragging his knuckles across the floor like a caveman underneath the dish because holding it was too much hard/effort.
Yet another example of Benito being a weak fuck is that he actually considers standing to be challenging. He likes to minimize on walking, and actually complains if he has to do it for longer than a couple of minutes. Guy can't even sprint or run; his dad actually decided to try and clock his running speed with his station wagon; Benito got to about 6 mph/ 12kph before giving up the ghost on that one.
One last example of his weakness, which also ties into his fatness was how he will sweat like a pig even if he's just sitting there doing nothing. The saddest and most horrifying example is the time he had his very powerful AC unit blasting air at its coldest setting during a cooler fall day. His room was about near freezing as far as could be told; and yet he was still sweating bullets.
Right then, next session will be on how he is the worst gamer in the history of ever; even making DSP look like a pro.
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2014
I think I'm going to share my experience with my crazy stalker now. Like my other post in this thread, this guy's more of a horrorcow, but a lot of the nonsense he came up with was pretty hilarious in a way. For this story to make sense, I have to preface this by saying that I am a pre-op FTM living in the deep south. Needless to say, I wasn't out at the job this story takes place in. I'll try to get through this without revealing too much more of my power-level.
Anyhoot, I made friends with this one guy at my first job a few years ago. (This man shall henceforth be known as "Crazy".) We talk about video games, and horror movies and shit. Things are going great. Until, one day when he sends me a series of demented e-mails. I will paraphrase them, as I'm honestly kind of worried that he may somehow find this post (I'm still kind of paranoid) and be able to figure out who I am.
His first message is about how he feels frightened and vulnerable. Thinking he's getting fucked with at work, I ask him what's up.
His next few messages are a deranged speech about how he wants to make sure I never stop loving him, even if someone else got close to me. He doesn't want to lose me and I have to stay with him forever.
Keep in mind, we've only really discussed vidya at this point.
I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I tell him that things are moving too fast and that I'm probably not the best choice for a girlfriend. I remind him we work together and that our job is the only place we've ever seen each other.
His reply is about how he doesn't know how to slow things down, as he knows I love him and so I should know what's 'going on inside his heart'. I start to get a little worried at this point, but I don't want to kick up a fuss over it, since my job sucked enough without any added drama. I start trying to ignore him as much as possible, but he's decided I'm his girlfriend/therapist, so that's hard to do.
Over my first 'session' as his therapist (Therapist is a word which here means 'listening to his ravings until my shift ends and occasionally saying 'okay.'), he reveals that his dad is the leader of an international crime ring that's murdered hundreds of people. Part of me thinks this is pure grade-A bullshit, but the other part thinks this might explain a lot.
The second is about how he cuts himself. I told him to see a psychiatrist if he was depressed. But, ruh-roh! He's not depressed! He's a vampire and he cuts himself so he can drink his own blood. At this point, he's revealing himself to be the deranged lovechild of Tumblr and Sluthate. Especially after he tells me he was lying about being a vampire (shock of shocks.) In """reality""" he's a satanic god, and asks me for my soul with a perfectly straight face. He then gives me a homework assignment to write a list of 100 things I love about him.
The next session is all about how he's going to kill himself if I don't kiss him, bang him, and have his children. I keep asking him to stop because he was upsetting me, but he just says that being upset proves I care about him and thus I should do what he says.
One day, I got off work early and went to a nearby store. Crazy follows me, so I spend all my time there looking at bibles. It's not really my style, but since Crazy has convinced himself he's a satanic god, he won't go near them. He actually got pissy at me for looking at a children's bible. Y'know, one of those picture books about Noah's Ark. As a side note, another person at work wore a cross-necklace and liked to wave it at Crazy. Crazy would hiss like a cat in a bath.
The next time we're at work, he admits to having masturbated while thinking about me several times, I ask him if he could, y'know, not tell me that. He starts hounding me about how often I fap, how many times I've thought of him while doing it, how much porn I watch, etc. He asks me about fetishes, and lists his as "Guro, rape, and zoophillia." At this point I'm dying to get off this ride, so I tell a manager whom in turn does fuck-all aside from give us more shifts together.
Crazy begins sending me more e-mails, one of which was just my address repeated 10 times in a row. I never told him my address, and I have no idea how the fuck he got ahold of it. Another e-mail was a photograph of my house which I had never seen before. A third was a photo taken just outside my bedroom window looking in.
Turns out that the man who believes himself to be a demon is a little nutty. Who woulda thunkit? Eventually, he got fired from the job for cussing out a customer, but it didn't fully end there. My dad had been trying to get the cops on Crazy's ass, but apparently the photos and admissions in the e-mails 'weren't sufficient enough evidence'. I'm starting to get paranoid as all fuck, and one day it all abruptly stops. I don't get answers until one day at work, where rumor had it that Crazy was arrested for rape.
In a way, I think Crazy was who got me really interested in 'cows, and the reason cows such as Deeker worry me so much. Crazy seemed fairly harmless at first, if a little eccentric, but revealed himself to be a truly deranged specimen.
On a final note, I was 16 when this all went down. He was 35.
Anyhoot, I made friends with this one guy at my first job a few years ago. (This man shall henceforth be known as "Crazy".) We talk about video games, and horror movies and shit. Things are going great. Until, one day when he sends me a series of demented e-mails. I will paraphrase them, as I'm honestly kind of worried that he may somehow find this post (I'm still kind of paranoid) and be able to figure out who I am.
His first message is about how he feels frightened and vulnerable. Thinking he's getting fucked with at work, I ask him what's up.
His next few messages are a deranged speech about how he wants to make sure I never stop loving him, even if someone else got close to me. He doesn't want to lose me and I have to stay with him forever.
Keep in mind, we've only really discussed vidya at this point.
I don't want to hurt his feelings, so I tell him that things are moving too fast and that I'm probably not the best choice for a girlfriend. I remind him we work together and that our job is the only place we've ever seen each other.
His reply is about how he doesn't know how to slow things down, as he knows I love him and so I should know what's 'going on inside his heart'. I start to get a little worried at this point, but I don't want to kick up a fuss over it, since my job sucked enough without any added drama. I start trying to ignore him as much as possible, but he's decided I'm his girlfriend/therapist, so that's hard to do.
Over my first 'session' as his therapist (Therapist is a word which here means 'listening to his ravings until my shift ends and occasionally saying 'okay.'), he reveals that his dad is the leader of an international crime ring that's murdered hundreds of people. Part of me thinks this is pure grade-A bullshit, but the other part thinks this might explain a lot.
The second is about how he cuts himself. I told him to see a psychiatrist if he was depressed. But, ruh-roh! He's not depressed! He's a vampire and he cuts himself so he can drink his own blood. At this point, he's revealing himself to be the deranged lovechild of Tumblr and Sluthate. Especially after he tells me he was lying about being a vampire (shock of shocks.) In """reality""" he's a satanic god, and asks me for my soul with a perfectly straight face. He then gives me a homework assignment to write a list of 100 things I love about him.
The next session is all about how he's going to kill himself if I don't kiss him, bang him, and have his children. I keep asking him to stop because he was upsetting me, but he just says that being upset proves I care about him and thus I should do what he says.
One day, I got off work early and went to a nearby store. Crazy follows me, so I spend all my time there looking at bibles. It's not really my style, but since Crazy has convinced himself he's a satanic god, he won't go near them. He actually got pissy at me for looking at a children's bible. Y'know, one of those picture books about Noah's Ark. As a side note, another person at work wore a cross-necklace and liked to wave it at Crazy. Crazy would hiss like a cat in a bath.
The next time we're at work, he admits to having masturbated while thinking about me several times, I ask him if he could, y'know, not tell me that. He starts hounding me about how often I fap, how many times I've thought of him while doing it, how much porn I watch, etc. He asks me about fetishes, and lists his as "Guro, rape, and zoophillia." At this point I'm dying to get off this ride, so I tell a manager whom in turn does fuck-all aside from give us more shifts together.
Crazy begins sending me more e-mails, one of which was just my address repeated 10 times in a row. I never told him my address, and I have no idea how the fuck he got ahold of it. Another e-mail was a photograph of my house which I had never seen before. A third was a photo taken just outside my bedroom window looking in.
Turns out that the man who believes himself to be a demon is a little nutty. Who woulda thunkit? Eventually, he got fired from the job for cussing out a customer, but it didn't fully end there. My dad had been trying to get the cops on Crazy's ass, but apparently the photos and admissions in the e-mails 'weren't sufficient enough evidence'. I'm starting to get paranoid as all fuck, and one day it all abruptly stops. I don't get answers until one day at work, where rumor had it that Crazy was arrested for rape.
In a way, I think Crazy was who got me really interested in 'cows, and the reason cows such as Deeker worry me so much. Crazy seemed fairly harmless at first, if a little eccentric, but revealed himself to be a truly deranged specimen.
On a final note, I was 16 when this all went down. He was 35.
Space_Dandy
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2014
That last line just makes this 100X worse.
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
It honestly does, since that type of behavior is more something I'd expect to see in a teen/young adult. Just damn.
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2014
Gonna play armchair doctor here and say that I suspect that Benito may suffer from Prader-Willi Syndrome.
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
The biggest problem with this diagnosis is that while he was always chubby, he didn't exactly start eating seven meals a day until he became a teenager. He mostly ate about the same amount of food that a lazy fat child would've eaten; missing a decent amount of desperation and horror that's the norm now. That aside, that may be the best explanation on why Benito is the way he is.
It reminds me of something Cole told me a while ago when I began asking him for a bit more info and whatever he could still remember involving this guy; he was in the same room as Benito's mom and his mom were talking about their respective sprogs. Benito's mom was shocked that Cole was able to take his first steps at six months old, since she thought it was normal for children to develop slowly. She then confessed that Benito couldn't walk until he was around 4 or 5.
Holy shit @Adamska. I am new to the Benito stories but am equal parts intrigued and horrified. Much like Benito feels after finishing an eight pound burger, I am left wanting more.
I'd like to here more stories about him being fat, but I'm curious, what are his parents like? Just reading the stories I get the feeling they may have played a hand in how he's turned out. Does he have any normal siblings?
I'd like to here more stories about him being fat, but I'm curious, what are his parents like? Just reading the stories I get the feeling they may have played a hand in how he's turned out. Does he have any normal siblings?
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
I'd like to hear about any public sperg outs.
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2013
Meanwhile, in the Black Magic group...
Earlier in the thread I revealed that someone had a spell to become a "vimpire". I can finally show you how it's done.
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2015
A personal lolcow is Jeff Boss. I found out about this guy when he ran for President in 2012 under the "NSA DID 9/11" party, which really explains quite a bit about the guy. This is his website, to which I say "Holy formatting, Batman!" Unfortunately, he's password protected the other pages; fortunately, he's apparently going for the 2016 Democratic primary. He also has a 2014 senate run page, and a Wikipedia article.
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
I've actually met that guy in person. He's absolutely batshit.
- Joined
- Jul 7, 2015
Recently I've been finding myself hanging around Fictionpress a lot to review stories. And I must say a lot people make me sick when they write rape, pedophilia and/or incest into their stories just for shock factor or just so they have something to fap to.
And when you call them out on it they throw a huge fit. If they don't want people judging them for their content then why post it on a public site where the world can see it?
And when you call them out on it they throw a huge fit. If they don't want people judging them for their content then why post it on a public site where the world can see it?
LaptopGeek
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2014
Here is a LOLcow I found on deviantART.
He is called CherryFungi, his art may look soppy and innocent even though they always look so static and most of the characters only have two positions on the faces like a Butch Hartman cartoon. But he is evil!
Every year, I host the Olympics that my character and the characters of my friends who want to volunteer compete in the games. It has 16 spaces and CherryFungi was too late to enter in last years event, so I had to say no, but instead of being mature about it and getting over it, he drew his character he wanted to enter crying on her bed because she didn't enter. He was basically giving me a guilt trip.
Fast forward to Christmas time, I have a done a group picture to show a tribute of my friends who care (and Christmas is getting together). But I didn't add CherryFungi's character and he acted immature and wanted to do an art trade, I declined it as I find it was blackmailing and wasn't up for art trades. Reason I didn't add his character were 1) I originally thought of the group like an Advent Calendar, so had 25 characters maximum (but the characters were too small and the background was too big, so scrapped the idea), 2) he hardly interacts with me which he doesn't comment on my stuff, never does me gift art and is only interested in me if I do group picture.
Then to this year, around May. My friend was hosting a livestream and CherryFungi was there. We were having a conversation and he suddenly blurted out some racist about the UK. Our friend on this forum told him off but instead of joking, he got aggressive and started swearing, then acted like a brat. The host kicked him out but CherryFungi came back as the livestream saying why he got kicked out. The host decided to immediately end it in anger, I don't blame him for this (and that wasn't helped by his laptop lagging and had to restart it, which he lost his other guests. He also was In a lot of stress due to moving to another country.)
Now hosting the Olympics again, but before that, I decided to do a journal about restricting some people in future group pics as getting the impression they just want free art, that means CherryFungi but didn't mention his name. So afterwards, he didn't seem to read the rules (surprise, surprise) and he want me to add his character into my games. I said no as of the way he treated my friend and I but instead of an apology and moving on, he basically got defensive and kept editing his reply four times, saying he never blackmailed me and saying racist things on my friend's livestream, he even said he never got a livestream account but the livestream was a join.me which guests don't need an account.
I think he is lying unless he got hacked but I don't actually believed he did. But used to think was hacked when I sometimes see his characters with dicks showing which he hardly does on regular basis but he never apologised about this and he should've warned his friends in that case. I think he just showed the offensive images for attention ten they get deleted.
He is called CherryFungi, his art may look soppy and innocent even though they always look so static and most of the characters only have two positions on the faces like a Butch Hartman cartoon. But he is evil!
Every year, I host the Olympics that my character and the characters of my friends who want to volunteer compete in the games. It has 16 spaces and CherryFungi was too late to enter in last years event, so I had to say no, but instead of being mature about it and getting over it, he drew his character he wanted to enter crying on her bed because she didn't enter. He was basically giving me a guilt trip.
Fast forward to Christmas time, I have a done a group picture to show a tribute of my friends who care (and Christmas is getting together). But I didn't add CherryFungi's character and he acted immature and wanted to do an art trade, I declined it as I find it was blackmailing and wasn't up for art trades. Reason I didn't add his character were 1) I originally thought of the group like an Advent Calendar, so had 25 characters maximum (but the characters were too small and the background was too big, so scrapped the idea), 2) he hardly interacts with me which he doesn't comment on my stuff, never does me gift art and is only interested in me if I do group picture.
Then to this year, around May. My friend was hosting a livestream and CherryFungi was there. We were having a conversation and he suddenly blurted out some racist about the UK. Our friend on this forum told him off but instead of joking, he got aggressive and started swearing, then acted like a brat. The host kicked him out but CherryFungi came back as the livestream saying why he got kicked out. The host decided to immediately end it in anger, I don't blame him for this (and that wasn't helped by his laptop lagging and had to restart it, which he lost his other guests. He also was In a lot of stress due to moving to another country.)
Now hosting the Olympics again, but before that, I decided to do a journal about restricting some people in future group pics as getting the impression they just want free art, that means CherryFungi but didn't mention his name. So afterwards, he didn't seem to read the rules (surprise, surprise) and he want me to add his character into my games. I said no as of the way he treated my friend and I but instead of an apology and moving on, he basically got defensive and kept editing his reply four times, saying he never blackmailed me and saying racist things on my friend's livestream, he even said he never got a livestream account but the livestream was a join.me which guests don't need an account.
I think he is lying unless he got hacked but I don't actually believed he did. But used to think was hacked when I sometimes see his characters with dicks showing which he hardly does on regular basis but he never apologised about this and he should've warned his friends in that case. I think he just showed the offensive images for attention ten they get deleted.
- Joined
- Jul 7, 2015
I've been noticing how many attention whores and drama queens there are on DA, honestly it's getting to a point where I just don't give a fuck about lots of things. And it's all thanks to all the bullshit on DA.
- Joined
- Feb 18, 2014
So there's a guy that I used to work with that has become sort of a punchline at said work. A lot of people there found him to be kinda "off," often citing him either making creepy comments at female co-workers, telling very personal/inappropriate stories about his life to people he barely knows (myself including) like how his sister was dying of cancer or how his family was going to put their dog down by ODing it on Vicodin and chocolate, or walking out in public while wearing a kilt the "traditional" way. Another co-worker also said that he had a chimpout in the parking lot once because she almost got into a fender bender with him (at least I think that's what happened, this was a while ago), going so far as to loudly call her a "crazy stupid bitch."
One day while working in the same team together, somehow the conversation we were having ended up with him saying that he quit his job at McDs recently and that it was the best decision he ever made in his life. About a week or so later he gets shitcanned for using work resources to solicit weed from another lead.
Also the same co-worker that got called a "crazy stupid bitch" went to the same McDs that he "quit" his job at sometime later, and found out through the other employees there that he didn't quit, he got fired...for smoking weed while on the clock.
One day while working in the same team together, somehow the conversation we were having ended up with him saying that he quit his job at McDs recently and that it was the best decision he ever made in his life. About a week or so later he gets shitcanned for using work resources to solicit weed from another lead.
Also the same co-worker that got called a "crazy stupid bitch" went to the same McDs that he "quit" his job at sometime later, and found out through the other employees there that he didn't quit, he got fired...for smoking weed while on the clock.
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
Have I told you guys about Whopper? He was kind of like my own Benito, but I had to work with him.
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
By all means, go on.
And before I lose any desire to write this, let's get into Benito's utter failure at gaming.
Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Benito is arguably what we call a gamer. He buys consoles, and games to play on said consoles. He even shows the dedication of a gamer, since he through weebishness buys consoles without region lock so he can play Japanese games (mostly Gundam ones). However, he shows none of the skills you would expect from a guy who plays video games so often; in fact, he's so fucking terrible at video games that he makes DarksydePhil look like a speedrunning master. You think I'm joking; but I'm not.
For example, he has problems aiming at enemies. That by the way is an understatement, since when I mean aiming at enemies, I mean he can't fucking hit a stationary target. I have two really good examples of that in mind. The first one I'll go into is this one Gundam game; I don't remember its name because there's a lot of them, but it's known to have a very challenging AI when you set them on to their highest settings. The lowest setting you can set it to is off. Not joking; when it's at that setting, the enemy will just stand there and let you kill them. They will not move, not shoot; they are just a training dummy that exists for you to kill them. Now with this in mind, do you want to know how long it took Benito to aim at the mech and kill it? Five seconds? Ten seconds? Forever?
Well the good news is that he did not die before killing his target. The bad news is that it took him about a half minute to properly aim his mech to shoot and kill his training dummy. I think if you gave the controller to a gibbon, it'd have done in in five and DSP would've been arfing it up in about ten seconds. Him? 30 whole seconds to actually line up correctly and take the shot. There's a good reason why at one point where Cole and he was a part of a tagteam, he got shocked that Benito was suddenly playing well in that game, only for it to turn out he dropped and the AI was doing it. There's a reason why Benito once exclaimed "whoops" when he actually shot his target.
Speaking of aim, this actually is a good lead into another perfect example of him whiffing shit. He has played Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2; though he didn't get that far in the game. I distinctly remember this one because it was utterly baffling to witness. During the training section you do in level one (that you can finish in like 30 seconds or so if you're good, or a minute if you're okay), it took Benito about an hour to beat that section. Why? because not only did he get lost in the shooting range and was trying to find a way out, but he kept missing his targets to boot. This was one of the points that made me question reality, since even the shittiest player shouldn't have spent that fucking long trapped in that course like that. Needless to say, this utter incompetence is a major reason why Benito didn't beat this game; he actually got stonewalled by the first level as Roach since he didn't get the QTE. In fact, I think he asked for help on that one because he felt it was too hard.
Benito is also the only person I've ever seen that failed a tutorial. I'm not kidding; this stupid fat clown has failed a tutorial mission, and it happened to be with one of my favorite games of all time:
He got Rise of Nations (likely from Cole, since he was creepy and would buy games Cole did too), and lo and behold he failed the easiest tutorial mission the game offers you. The mission itself is the Boudicca mission, which teaches you as the player how to move units, and use these units to attack. It really is beyond bog standard. So, how did he fuck this one up? The mission comes with a condition, and states to you clearly: don't let Boudicca die. So what does Benito do? He sends Boudicca out to fight the small Roman army by herself and then is baffled when the game tells him he lost when she inevitably died from the onslaught. I to this day don't understand why he didn't send out the rest of his tiny army with her, since if you do that you're guaranteed to win.
Another strategy game that Benito fucked up (and I happened to be partially responsible for) was how he played Japan in Hearts of Iron 2. Now, considering that he failed a fucking tutorial mission in a game I consider easier or at least more accessible than HOI2, let's see how the master of utter shit managed to fuck this up.
Well, first, he picked a hard nation to play as for your first nation. Seriously, if you're going to pick a nation in any of the HOI games, I'd recommend the US, Germany, or the Soviet Union. Those three are probably the most beginner friendly of the big nations, especially the US. Japan is probably the hardest one outside of France or Italy due to a weak industrial pool and the need to juggle army, navy, and air force on a limited resource budget. Problem two, he doesn't ever figure out that he has a navy or airforce. This by the way is critically important to exploit as Japan and are useful things to have to avoid amphibious landings. Problem three, he just chucks his men at the enemy (Nationalist China) with no thought whatsoever. While Nat. China is shit in terms of its military, it and the terrain can stymie a new player. The failure culminated in the Nationalists managing to land a beachhead on his home islands (what's a navy?) and he lost. He then got pissed and threw the game away because glorious Nippon was dishonored by a bunch of filthy Chinamen.
Last, but not least is that he has done an actual LP of Final Fantasy. Now I unfortunately couldn't find the thing in its entirety and while I was able to find a Retsupurae of it, that's contaminated by some dude calling him dumb. It's glorious though, since he needed to cheat levels and gold to beat Garland and Astos. He couldn't even bother to play that fucking game fairly.
And that's the tale of Benito sucking shit at games. Probably more fat stories after this.
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2013
Duuuuude.
DUUUUUDE.Benito is also the only person I've ever seen that failed a tutorial. I'm not kidding; this stupid fat clown has failed a tutorial mission, and it happened to be with one of my favorite games of all time:
He got Rise of Nations (likely from Cole, since he was creepy and would buy games Cole did too), and lo and behold he failed the easiest tutorial mission the game offers you. The mission itself is the Boudicca mission, which teaches you as the player how to move units, and use these units to attack. It really is beyond bog standard. So, how did he fuck this one up? The mission comes with a condition, and states to you clearly: don't let Boudicca die. So what does Benito do? He sends Boudicca out to fight the small Roman army by herself and then is baffled when the game tells him he lost when she inevitably died from the onslaught. I to this day don't understand why he didn't send out the rest of his tiny army with her, since if you do that you're guaranteed to win.
Going to backtrack but this is the same guy who bought all that shit in Warframe, correct?
Incredibly hilarious to me because Nat. China's Navy is nonexistent. They only have two transports meaning they can only send two units at a time at most. In a normal game, Japan would utterly rekt Nat. China's ships forcing them to stick to land battles.
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- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
By all means, go on.
And before I lose any desire to write this, let's get into Benito's utter failure at gaming.
Part I: I Stole Food From the Homeless
Part II: It's Not Coolwhip, it's Lard
Part III: I Must Consume your Newborn Child
Part IV: You Use Soap?
Part V: Reader's Special
Part VI: Editor's Response #1
Part VII: Editor's Response #2
Part VIII: Do you Even Lift?
Part IX: Editor's Response #3
Benito is arguably what we call a gamer. He buys consoles, and games to play on said consoles. He even shows the dedication of a gamer, since he through weebishness buys consoles without region lock so he can play Japanese games (mostly Gundam ones). However, he shows none of the skills you would expect from a guy who plays video games so often; in fact, he's so fucking terrible at video games that he makes DarksydePhil look like a speedrunning master. You think I'm joking; but I'm not.
For example, he has problems aiming at enemies. That by the way is an understatement, since when I mean aiming at enemies, I mean he can't fucking hit a stationary target. I have two really good examples of that in mind. The first one I'll go into is this one Gundam game; I don't remember its name because there's a lot of them, but it's known to have a very challenging AI when you set them on to their highest settings. The lowest setting you can set it to is off. Not joking; when it's at that setting, the enemy will just stand there and let you kill them. They will not move, not shoot; they are just a training dummy that exists for you to kill them. Now with this in mind, do you want to know how long it took Benito to aim at the mech and kill it? Five seconds? Ten seconds? Forever?
Well the good news is that he did not die before killing his target. The bad news is that it took him about a half minute to properly aim his mech to shoot and kill his training dummy. I think if you gave the controller to a gibbon, it'd have done in in five and DSP would've been arfing it up in about ten seconds. Him? 30 whole seconds to actually line up correctly and take the shot. There's a good reason why at one point where Cole and he was a part of a tagteam, he got shocked that Benito was suddenly playing well in that game, only for it to turn out he dropped and the AI was doing it. There's a reason why Benito once exclaimed "whoops" when he actually shot his target.
Speaking of aim, this actually is a good lead into another perfect example of him whiffing shit. He has played Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2; though he didn't get that far in the game. I distinctly remember this one because it was utterly baffling to witness. During the training section you do in level one (that you can finish in like 30 seconds or so if you're good, or a minute if you're okay), it took Benito about an hour to beat that section. Why? because not only did he get lost in the shooting range and was trying to find a way out, but he kept missing his targets to boot. This was one of the points that made me question reality, since even the shittiest player shouldn't have spent that fucking long trapped in that course like that. Needless to say, this utter incompetence is a major reason why Benito didn't beat this game; he actually got stonewalled by the first level as Roach since he didn't get the QTE. In fact, I think he asked for help on that one because he felt it was too hard.
Benito is also the only person I've ever seen that failed a tutorial. I'm not kidding; this stupid fat clown has failed a tutorial mission, and it happened to be with one of my favorite games of all time:
He got Rise of Nations (likely from Cole, since he was creepy and would buy games Cole did too), and lo and behold he failed the easiest tutorial mission the game offers you. The mission itself is the Boudicca mission, which teaches you as the player how to move units, and use these units to attack. It really is beyond bog standard. So, how did he fuck this one up? The mission comes with a condition, and states to you clearly: don't let Boudicca die. So what does Benito do? He sends Boudicca out to fight the small Roman army by herself and then is baffled when the game tells him he lost when she inevitably died from the onslaught. I to this day don't understand why he didn't send out the rest of his tiny army with her, since if you do that you're guaranteed to win.
Another strategy game that Benito fucked up (and I happened to be partially responsible for) was how he played Japan in Hearts of Iron 2. Now, considering that he failed a fucking tutorial mission in a game I consider easier or at least more accessible than HOI2, let's see how the master of utter shit managed to fuck this up.
Well, first, he picked a hard nation to play as for your first nation. Seriously, if you're going to pick a nation in any of the HOI games, I'd recommend the US, Germany, or the Soviet Union. Those three are probably the most beginner friendly of the big nations, especially the US. Japan is probably the hardest one outside of France or Italy due to a weak industrial pool and the need to juggle army, navy, and air force on a limited resource budget. Problem two, he doesn't ever figure out that he has a navy or airforce. This by the way is critically important to exploit as Japan and are useful things to have to avoid amphibious landings. Problem three, he just chucks his men at the enemy (Nationalist China) with no thought whatsoever. While Nat. China is shit in terms of its military, it and the terrain can stymie a new player. The failure culminated in the Nationalists managing to land a beachhead on his home islands (what's a navy?) and he lost. He then got pissed and threw the game away because glorious Nippon was dishonored by a bunch of filthy Chinamen.
Last, but not least is that he has done an actual LP of Final Fantasy. Now I unfortunately couldn't find the thing in its entirety and while I was able to find a Retsupurae of it, that's contaminated by some dude calling him dumb. It's glorious though, since he needed to cheat levels and gold to beat Garland and Astos. He couldn't even bother to play that fucking game fairly.
And that's the tale of Benito sucking shit at games. Probably more fat stories after this.
I would like to see the Retsuprae anyways.