- Joined
- Feb 27, 2019
2020 was really shaping up to be my year. Really, it was. Then March happened and I no longer had campus and community activities I was involved in, had to finish junior college in my bedroom, and didn't even get to walk at graduation (which was important to me as a first-gen). Whole lot of nothing. I transferred to a uni and it really hasn't been all that fun, to be honest. I have no purpose.
I am now constantly questioning every life decision I've made so far. It doesn't feel right to spend my scholarship money on tuition right now because God knows I'm not getting my money's worth, but what happens if I withdraw? I'm a junior, not a freshman, so it's a bigger thing to do so. Do I just withdraw and try to go back when this is over? But what if this never ends? What if I do go back but I'm a 27 year old among 19 year olds? I already feel isolated within my generation enough as it is, it would be more hellish to be with a literal different, younger generation. I've always felt more at home with Boomers.
But I'm not completely dooming. I've also come to the conclusion, before 2020, that there is only so much you can control about the world you live in and your future. There is no sense is constantly worrying, dooming, and living in fear. Doing so makes everything harder. Prepare for emergencies, prepare for what may come, but don't overdo it because you really never know and you lose focus on the now.
If I go ahead and get my BFA but overpaid even more so, then I did. If I withdraw and save my scholarships with plans to go back after this is over but never do, then I did. If I go back at 28 to be in a classroom with 18 year olds, then OK I guess. If I have to drop out of college to use my money to support my family in a trailer park because of Corn Pop tax rates, then I have to.
I am now constantly questioning every life decision I've made so far. It doesn't feel right to spend my scholarship money on tuition right now because God knows I'm not getting my money's worth, but what happens if I withdraw? I'm a junior, not a freshman, so it's a bigger thing to do so. Do I just withdraw and try to go back when this is over? But what if this never ends? What if I do go back but I'm a 27 year old among 19 year olds? I already feel isolated within my generation enough as it is, it would be more hellish to be with a literal different, younger generation. I've always felt more at home with Boomers.
But I'm not completely dooming. I've also come to the conclusion, before 2020, that there is only so much you can control about the world you live in and your future. There is no sense is constantly worrying, dooming, and living in fear. Doing so makes everything harder. Prepare for emergencies, prepare for what may come, but don't overdo it because you really never know and you lose focus on the now.
If I go ahead and get my BFA but overpaid even more so, then I did. If I withdraw and save my scholarships with plans to go back after this is over but never do, then I did. If I go back at 28 to be in a classroom with 18 year olds, then OK I guess. If I have to drop out of college to use my money to support my family in a trailer park because of Corn Pop tax rates, then I have to.