[2024] Kiwi Farms Physical Newspaper - Possibly the dumbest idea I've ever had, 2023 edition

[Your Starter for 10]

Sign me up for a subscription to the:

Trans-Dakota Beacon (with the Dakota in such a small font that it's virtually invisible)

 

[Pope Urban]

You know the German language and culture existed before 1936 yeah?

Yes, but the journos who will harrass whoever agrees to let you use their printing press will pretend not to know that.

 

[Rad Crab]

Why not let us just print it off at home and make us use our own paper? Hell maybe the old copy building still exist and we can spread the news that way.

Here's your newspaper you fucking retard

 

[Pope Urban]

Back in the 90's there were all kinds of newsletters and "Zines". Every retard with an opinion had one. That is perfectly in line with the ethos here.
View attachment 5252133

Kiwi Farms is designed with a retro, old internet ethos. This is fitting

 

[Kerr Avon]

Sounds good. I miss the News of the Weird papers and this would fill that gap nicely.

 

[fineapple]

I guess Kiwi Farms optics are already completely fucked up to the public, I think that using any German word is gonna add gas to the "heckin nazi" claims about the farms. I personally like it tho, just thinking.

 

[Rad Crab]

Just throwing my name in the hat, but I'm a trained graphic designer that specialized in typography and magazine layouts. I've been out of the industry for a number of years but I can still throw something together for you monthly for free.

 

[GenociderSyo]

Even articles simply on null's takes on the internet and where it is going would be interesting. It probly does not even have to be a large newsletter type thing to meet the requirements.

 

[Aunt Carol]

I have a "local" newspaper subscription in 2023 so I might be your demographic. Also I miss zines so much.

Very concerned that this will lead to un-fun court cases about libel, though. Free speech is passé so you wouldn't have the automatic defenders that e.g. Mike Diana had (not libel, but a print matter to-do).


When I was younger, occasionally someone would pay for cheap editions of a paperback to be mailed to every address in the county. The Goodwills had a glut of this mail edition of The Hundredth Monkey for years, and later there were a couple of books about Biblical prophecy. Presumably sending a paper to every address in an area would be doable; that would be an interesting sponsorship tier to offer.

 

[Vect]

Yes, but the journos who will harrass whoever agrees to let you use their printing press will pretend not to know that.

It's probably just sensible to avoid words like volk and frei and blitz and krieg, but let's face it, you could probably show the morbidly online usual suspects any modern German newspaper out of context and they'll assume it's a spinoff of Der Stürmer. Anyway, printing services can apparently just deny you service now, like what happened to Gays Against Groomers. "Core values" and all that.

Business aspects aside, I like the idea of a MAD style rag that allows everyone an opportunity to get creative and contribute on their own schedules - since the topic is the Internet and the digital world, I was thinking it might be cool to go for the look of those old collectable 80s tech magazines when personal computers were just catching on.

Like @JackoVerde said it could use pseudonyms for different lolcows and articles, art, reviews, opinions or even themed columns by users under different names, and go for a really sardonic or tongue-in-cheek tone that would enable coverage of more mainstream news like the early Daily Show. Maybe even have friendly personalities (like Nick Rekieta if he sorts his life out) or even lolcows like Ethan Ralph submitting articles . It would really have to cater to people familiar enough with the forum to decipher the language and in-jokes but offer enough new material to be worth a subscription - especially if it's competing content-wise with YouTube channels and online blogs that cover the same subjects.

I did a quick mockup of what I had in my head. Thought the dog theme was a bit more 'deutsch':

 

[Neo-Nazi Rich Evans]

random naked lolcow on page 3

I WANT PICTURES OF ELAINE'S ASSHOLE ON MY DESK TOMORROW MORNING
*slams fist on desk*

FTFY based on the criteria.

View attachment 5252329

made it more accurate:

 

[Hepativore]

We could even send out promotional flyers to volunteers to post around town or on college campuses. The trannies are going to seethe and come after us, anyway, so why not take the fight for free speech right to them head on?

 

[Sarn’t]

Could you ship it overseas? Or to military P.Os?

 

[fineapple]

Maybe just call the paper Mad (At The Internet) Magazine. Keep your branding in one place.

 

[PointOfNoReturnPoint]

Sounds good. I miss the News of the Weird papers and this would fill that gap nicely.

It would be like cracked but actually funny nowadays.

 

[AnsemSoD1]

While I may not be able to much, if anything at all, I am still rooting for you ooperator, release The Retard Times!

 

[Nitro!]

Do it, I'd subscribe. Print media ain't dead!

 

[Lei Wulong's Left Leg]

I'd probably subscribe as long as it remained bipartisan and the leafcuck postal service didn't refuse to send it. Get a random KF user to make a maximum 350-word opinion piece on whatever they feel like as the only thing in the Opinion column and I'd be invested, even.
My writing chops are fairly ok, dunno if you A) want anyone to write articles for you to reduce your workload at risk of writing stupid shit, or B) want to brand your own users as journoscum for the greater good, but if you're looking, I'd toss an application in. I have no presence in the media biz and my articles of lolcow events would be as neutral, albeit blunt as possible.
EDIT: While I'm thinking about it, can we do that cool shit that PC Gamer did with its spine where it spelled out its own logo if you owned all the copies?

Spoiler: What they did

 

[SaidNoOneEver]

I like this idea but I'm wondering how during a slow month the newspaper doesn't devolve into a troon news rag.

Devolve?

 

[Bone Santa]

I would love to write an opinion piece, also here are some silly ideas for a name.

Sneed Post
Kiwi Tribune
Farmer's Monthly
Hamster Herald
Corn Inquirer