- Joined
- Oct 20, 2019
First off, accept that it can take a little while. You said you want an actual boyfriend and not everyone you meet is going to be suitable and not everyone you meet who is will it be the right time for. So keep in mind when someone doesn't ask you on a date you don't know what is going on in their head. Maybe they're getting over a break-up, maybe they're already hopeful of it working out with someone they met before you. You don't want to put it all on yourself if a particular encounter doesn't go your way. You want to know and correct if you're doing something wrong but you don't want to just assume that it's your fault or you're going to get depressed and start over-correcting.
Just the same as I'm not saying it can take time in to tell in order to tell you to be okay with having no dates. I'm saying it only to prevent you thinking it's all on you if you're not dating every weekend.
To a degree it's the same as dating advice for a man - it's a numbers game: keep meeting people, keep going out on social things that aren't dates to meet those people. The simple reality is you have to both find each other at the overlapping time you're both ready and free to date and that's a small slice of the people you meet.
When you do date, don't let a guy go further than you're happy with and even if you want to, at least put things off a little bit more until you've done some more romantic / social stuff together. Make sure that a guy knows you're expecting a boyfriend not a shag.
Best thing to do is make sure you have been around him with his friends and checked he is open about you with them, happy to flirt with you in front of them. If he isn't, that's a bad sign. If you can sit with his friend and you're both holding each other's hand or similar, you know he's happy for his friends to think of you as his date and he knows you're there with him not looking at his friends (if he's insecure).
Believe it or not, men can distinguish between attractive and available. Dress flatteringly but not trashily. Yes, it can feel like progress if you're getting a bunch of sexual advances but if you're looking for a boyfriend go for sexy, not slutty.
A lot of men are quite shy. That can seem odd to many women - and frustrating - because women think 'a guy doesn't get judged for sleeping around' and 'a guy doesn't have to worry about a girl getting too physical with him'. Both of which are true. But women often don't realise how much of a guy's self-worth he puts on the line when he asks out a girl he likes. Nobody wants to be humiliated, even guys. So one of the best things you can do is find ways to be approachable. This can be advertising a hobby you have in some way like something you wear, just cultivating a friendly and casual demeanour (difficult for a girl because you need to develop strong "back off" ability to go with it to repel the additional losers that it will attract) and just generally be fun and a good listener. Basically, the more you think about making it easy for men to approach you - hooks they can use - and the more engaging you seem, the more men will pluck up the courage to ask you. In days of old, a woman would drop her handkerchief so a man could pick it up for her and let her know she dropped it and begin conversation. Sadly, women no longer do this or have handkerchiefs. But if there's a guy hovering around you think might want to ask you out a brief smile or some contrivance to give him an in is good. A woman really shouldn't have to do this but men these days are so heavily messaged about not being sexual harassers that being the first to say "hello" is necessary.
I wouldn't have brought up race but as you did and as I see so many replies about it, I'll just point out Kiwi Farms has something of a selection bias here in that it's one of the few paces online people are allowed to be racist. So of course some people revel in that. But don't take it too much to heart. Depending where you are in the world it might or might not be a factor but it's certainly not a determinant. Be yourself, be fun and approachable, that's what matters. They do tend to be right about the mass thing - good diet and regular gym to keep a nice figure will affect way more people's views than any skin colour which is an arbitrary thing for most people. If you play into stereotypes then that might put people off but if you don't it doesn't matter. And sometimes they can even be exploited - I knew a Black gothgirl once and she looked hot as Hell. Just don't let society tell you how you should dress talk or act based on your skin colour. I think the biggest reason it can put people off is when they think someone is not like them because of it. From a different way of dressing or whatever. Be who you want to be free of any expectations (especially racial ones) and that will be the person that people most want to date.
Kiwifarms is a very particular subset of society. Most people are not tortoises.
Like anything, if you can keep a sense of humour about stuff in front of people, it loses its power over you.
So to summarise my suggestions:
Hope this helps.
Just the same as I'm not saying it can take time in to tell in order to tell you to be okay with having no dates. I'm saying it only to prevent you thinking it's all on you if you're not dating every weekend.
To a degree it's the same as dating advice for a man - it's a numbers game: keep meeting people, keep going out on social things that aren't dates to meet those people. The simple reality is you have to both find each other at the overlapping time you're both ready and free to date and that's a small slice of the people you meet.
When you do date, don't let a guy go further than you're happy with and even if you want to, at least put things off a little bit more until you've done some more romantic / social stuff together. Make sure that a guy knows you're expecting a boyfriend not a shag.
Best thing to do is make sure you have been around him with his friends and checked he is open about you with them, happy to flirt with you in front of them. If he isn't, that's a bad sign. If you can sit with his friend and you're both holding each other's hand or similar, you know he's happy for his friends to think of you as his date and he knows you're there with him not looking at his friends (if he's insecure).
Believe it or not, men can distinguish between attractive and available. Dress flatteringly but not trashily. Yes, it can feel like progress if you're getting a bunch of sexual advances but if you're looking for a boyfriend go for sexy, not slutty.
A lot of men are quite shy. That can seem odd to many women - and frustrating - because women think 'a guy doesn't get judged for sleeping around' and 'a guy doesn't have to worry about a girl getting too physical with him'. Both of which are true. But women often don't realise how much of a guy's self-worth he puts on the line when he asks out a girl he likes. Nobody wants to be humiliated, even guys. So one of the best things you can do is find ways to be approachable. This can be advertising a hobby you have in some way like something you wear, just cultivating a friendly and casual demeanour (difficult for a girl because you need to develop strong "back off" ability to go with it to repel the additional losers that it will attract) and just generally be fun and a good listener. Basically, the more you think about making it easy for men to approach you - hooks they can use - and the more engaging you seem, the more men will pluck up the courage to ask you. In days of old, a woman would drop her handkerchief so a man could pick it up for her and let her know she dropped it and begin conversation. Sadly, women no longer do this or have handkerchiefs. But if there's a guy hovering around you think might want to ask you out a brief smile or some contrivance to give him an in is good. A woman really shouldn't have to do this but men these days are so heavily messaged about not being sexual harassers that being the first to say "hello" is necessary.
I wouldn't have brought up race but as you did and as I see so many replies about it, I'll just point out Kiwi Farms has something of a selection bias here in that it's one of the few paces online people are allowed to be racist. So of course some people revel in that. But don't take it too much to heart. Depending where you are in the world it might or might not be a factor but it's certainly not a determinant. Be yourself, be fun and approachable, that's what matters. They do tend to be right about the mass thing - good diet and regular gym to keep a nice figure will affect way more people's views than any skin colour which is an arbitrary thing for most people. If you play into stereotypes then that might put people off but if you don't it doesn't matter. And sometimes they can even be exploited - I knew a Black gothgirl once and she looked hot as Hell. Just don't let society tell you how you should dress talk or act based on your skin colour. I think the biggest reason it can put people off is when they think someone is not like them because of it. From a different way of dressing or whatever. Be who you want to be free of any expectations (especially racial ones) and that will be the person that people most want to date.
Kiwifarms is a very particular subset of society. Most people are not tortoises.
Like anything, if you can keep a sense of humour about stuff in front of people, it loses its power over you.
So to summarise my suggestions:
- Don't set a time line on this because by its nature it takes time. That's not advice to do nothing, it's advice to not feel down if you don't get instant results.
- Keep getting out there at social events. Maybe cultivate a hobby of some kind.
- Cultivate an approachable demeanour. That's not the same as being a doormat or not being able to get rid of people you don't want to talk to. It's just making sure guys feel they can talk to you and maybe have something they can use as an opener if possible. (An "Ask me about my WH40K Army" t-shirt might be a bit too extreme, however).
- Dress nice, not slutty. Hot and Easy are different things. And actually the latter can be a negative to guys approaching you.
- Stay in reasonable shape. Nobody requires you to be a twiglet and it's not good to get obsessed with this stuff, but it matters and you'll feel good being in shape anyway. (Maybe you already are, just listing it).
- Vet a guy's intentions by hanging out with him in front of his friends and see that he's open about you being his date.
- Have female friends set you on dates. They'll be pre-vetted and it's a time-honoured way to meet guys. Plus there's no ambiguity that it is a date.
Hope this helps.
