Some days, I think there must be some kind of benevolent universal source - god, energy, whatever the hipsters call it when they go to Tibet to cosplay as chanting monks before they realize one cold morning when one butt cheek is spasming and they've lost feeling entirely in the other that they have it pretty fucking good back in the land of the Big PX. Some days, I think there's nothing in our corner of the universe that a couple of good sized asteroid strikes couldn't make quick work of addressing.
Which brings me to Big Ham, who seems to be the bastard child of those two forces. On the upside, she is both employed and is basically a waddling ATM for whoever is in her life at any given moment. On the downside, she is simply and empirically, a terrible person. On the upside, she has accidentally provided years of entertainment (although that's on the downswing right now). On the downside, that's come at not an insignificant cost to other people - not always monetarily.
And then, you get a video like the utterly inane bullshit she filmed, edited, and uploaded, then scheduled, for today.
grocery haul & trying lamb for the first time | vlog - June 11, 2022
I lost count long ago of just how many times we have had to watch this bitch open a video talking about how her hair is a mess, or she hasn't showered, or she slept in her makeup, or she just woke up, or any other stupid thing she's said to explain why she looks like a corpse extra from The Walking Dead or gross Big Mama type in a low-budget horror flick: a shrewish, unwashed massively obese woman with a tiny husband named Frank she needles incessantly and who she makes do menial, disgusting tasks, like clipping her toenails, and whose early on-screen death results in applause from the audience while Frank, blissfully unaware, watches tv in the background.
WE HAVE EYES. We can see you in your natural form, you know.
Big Ham really pulled out all the stops in this one! A whole seven seconds over the magical eight minute mark. Now, usually when someone says "grocery haul" in the title, and especially when they lead with that, I expect the grocery haul to take up at a good portion of the video. I - and I expect this is true for many people - have learned a valuable life lesson regarding this sort of thing, however.
We begin with Hamber continuing to try on this stupid new welcome to the video crap. "Hello, hello, hello" sucks, Big Ham. You had an iconic opening: "Hey guys!". Even if you were not a thousand percent chirpy at times, it's far better than you attempting to sounds like some kind of influencer. There are many things you will never be. A Rhodes Scholar. An interior designer. A race Joaquin champion. President. Thin. It's a long list, and it ends with YouTube/social media influencer. Do you.
Tells us her allergies are acting up, to which I say: take a fucking claritin instead of bitching at your viewers about it. If you need to use this shit to pad out your vlog - and we know you do - then mention it and mention that you did a goddamned thing about it. Like take a claritin or guzzle benadryl. You know. Something that is a complete 180 from what you normally do, like bitch about something and then do nothing. While that is kind of your brand, you'd probably get the
suckers ambabies rando optimists to give you an asspat for it.
Spamber whines about this "HUGE" lump under the spot where she got her booster. Yes, ReadingLynn, it's called "redness, swelling, or irritation" in the area where the shot is given. While you're trying to humblebrag that you're not special "I AM SPECIAL MY ARM IS FALLING OFF! OMG YOU GUISE!!!" I can assure you that this is perfectly normal, and I'm sure the people you selflessly are trying to "help" by mentioning it are just rolling their eyes,
As I said up top, this is and eight minute, seven second video. She has spent the first one minute and thirty-five seconds talking about her allergies and how her arm is falling off.
Now that we have this edition of The Daily Whine out of the way, is it time for the grocery haul?
Oh, honey, no.
Not.
Even.
Close.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! It's ReaderLynn. I will admit that I skipped completely past this, because Hamber shits up BookTube just as well as she shits up every other *Tube. Listening to her try to summarize a book or give it a review makes me want to go put my head in a vise and crack it like a walnut. Big Ham's Reading Club runs from 1:36 all the way to 4:05.
Yes, the entire first half of this video is her talking about her allergies, vax booster shot, and trying to speak intelligently about two books.
Finally, the grocery haul, even though there have been multiple grocery trips over the past week or so. Again, for a household of two people, they go to the store a LOT. Big Ham claims she has a "pretty decent sized grocery haul" for us. This part is so short and so devoid of anything interesting (I'll explain), I'm not even allowing it out of the nontent category. It's so brief, in fact, I can quickly do a rundown of what they got, and in one breath. Ready? Salmon, Honey Nut Cheerios, Texas Toast croutons, cukes, prepackaged deli meat, pork chops, two "things" of zucchini, Laughing Cow cheese spread, melk*, prepackaged deli meat (another kind, for the "gf), broccoli, peppered salami, feta cheese, honey whole wheat bread ("45 calories per one slice"). more Laughing Cow, and Romaine "leafs".
That's it. This is not decent sized. This is the makings of sandwiches and two meals. While you have a fridge and freezer stuffed with food already. The amount of waste Hamber produces is just staggering.
*The melk. It has a use by of June 6. Unopened milk is usually good for about 7 days unopened, and then 3-5 days after opening (if properly refrigerated). This was likely filmed the last week of May into the first week of June.
I said I was considering this nontent, and here's why: it is likely this is not all they bought, for one. No snacks, chips, frozen-yogurt-trying-to-sub-for-ice-cream, nuts, etc." Not even a hint as to how they may prepare the salmon or the chops (which are so thin, by the by, that they'll dry out in no time, and look and taste like a leather shoe in no time for our dry gorl Big Ham. Good thing they picked up a bunch of sauces for the "gf" to use, in a previous video.) In short: boring. In this video of 8:07, the grocery "haul", so important in the vlog that it's mentioned first, runs from 4:06 to 5:17.
Cut suddenly to Hamber talking to Alexa - specifically Akinator. Alexa says to pick a character, then starts the questions to what has to be the most narcissistic thing we have ever seen on this channel. I'll keep it spoiler free, although I'm quite certain
everyone will figure out that it's Big Ham herself, of course. She gives one of her screechy cackle laughs when Alexa guesses it's her.. This runs from 5:18 to 6:36.
Once again, Hamber is "obsessed" with something. No wonder she's always so busy, you guise: all her obsessions keep her constantly on the ball! Or couch, whatever. Anyhow, she and the "gf" are "obsessed with this, like, Mediterranean Greek food place" - it's called a restaurant, Big Ham) and....wait, what the fuck? Did they not just get groceries? What the fuck are we doing looking at takeout? I guess now that Hamber is only "paying" for an imaginary psychologist instead of for an entire imaginary treatment, she can go back to eating like shit, ordering takeout three times a day. She's going to try lamb for the first time. The "gf" feeds her a small piece, and it's immediately apparent that she really hates it, LOL. She says she "doesn't like the texture" because it is "too soft". The only cheese you eat is spreadable. You boil your nasty soup slops for half an hour. You down ice cream by the pint, no problem. You eat sushi. You eat bbq. Just say you don't like the taste of it (gamey is the word your WriterLynn brain is trying to come up with, you're welcome), because you sure as hell have no issue with soft foods.
She then shows the meals each got via takeout, instead of cooking anything from the kitchen that they've stocked, and that's boring, except! They got falafel. Now, you say, there's something new and interesting, and mildly exciting in the amberverse. Except this falafel is to authentic falafel what Big Ham's chili is to authentic chili. Falafel aren't even Greek. I bet they call them falafel on the menu because the Greek version of this - revithokeftedes, and if you've never had them, you should - is something most people can't pronounce and probably wouldn't buy. So they call them falafel, because most people won't know the difference anyway. The takeout runs from 5:37 to 7:37.
It's time for a walk - of Twinkie. The music of chipmunks fucking kicks in at this point, fair warning, Shots of Twinkie, a random tree, and to send us to the outro card, yet another shot of Big Ham, giving us a peace sign and inducing motion sickness as she waddles along, buffeting the camera and showing us her sad tits and multiple chins. This rakes us from 7:38 to 8:05.
End card: See you in the next video! This shows from 8:05 to 8:07,
And we're out.
TL;DW/R: Whinging about allergies, blathers about two books, shows us some groceries, plays a stupid game with Alexa, eats takeout (yes, after groceries), Twinkie Storr!, the end. The longest part of this video, and what takes up almost the entire first half of it, is her yammering about two books. Let's face it, no one in the mood to hear some reacts to books is going to think of Hamber first. Her views are tanking now. They'd be disastrous if she had to title her videos like food manufacturers do on food labels, with the highest use ingredient listed first.
...burp... lol, fat.
ya. But I don't think McFat has ever really pumped anything in her life, let alone gas.
