A huge swath of the country is sweltering under record-breaking heat in the US. Stay cool, gorls. You know one way to stay cool? Let's ask noted science-y expert, noted physician, and general good advice giver.....
500LB SHOWER ROUTINE | NOT CLICKBAIT | VLOG - June 17, 2022
That's right, it's DoctorLynn Medicine Woman, PhD, LSW, DVM, RST, PPE, OBCD, here to demonstrate showering to clean your nasty, sweaty self after a long, hard day of assembling expert Laygos, visiting boutique shops like Wommart or Tar-zhay and handling all the merchandise to ensure it meets someone's demanding and exacting safety and ahssetic standards, then downing a shrimp platter, a rotisserie chicken and a pound of cooked white rice. Whatever would we do without her salient guidance in these trying times?
Before we continue, a programming note: attention Reddit user who screencapped my screencap here of that idiotic Nashville business and then cut off the fucking text above it, leaving just "sarcasm?" by itself, as if I were asking everyone here if it was sarcasm, versus asking how someone on the subreddit there could possibly have believed that was true instead of being (stupid, lame) sarcasm. Clearly, I wasn't confused about it. Don't be a dick next time, hear? And now back to our regularly scheduled program.
I'm deducting points for the intro. Stick to "Hi guys!"
OK, tell us what
horrors grossness story you have for us today, Big Ham.
OMG, she's wearing the same shirt!
Yes, of course she is, because this is picking up right where the last one stopped. But she has to tell us this, in the event we are not observant enough to understand this simple concept. It isn't that people don't understand, Hamber. It's that they really do not care. You sleep in your clothes. Nobody is surprised that you're just filming random bullshit and wearing the same clothes to do it.
Aw, how sweet. Big Ham says she's just explaining to try to keep the timelines straight for people, so no one is confused. If only there were a way to denote moments in time on static objects and files like videos, or even message boards!
One of the pitchers has fallen off the wall. Hamber tells us, "So that has to be fixed."
Okaaaaay. Why are you not fixing it, then? It would take maybe five seconds - well, maybe ten, for you - to waddle over there and put it back on ts nail. This is a normal, routine thing that people do. Well, whatever, we're moving on.
She breaks into song, because she's "about to try on a Torrid moment." Torrid sells moments now? Are they timestamped? Do they come in a size 6?
This will be hands down the absolute funniest thing in this video, I guarantee it (cued):
Big Ham, you have spent an obscene amount of money with Torrid over the years. You should at least be grateful enough that they produce circus tent-sized clothes to cover your stank ass to spell their name correctly.
"The T, the O, the R-I-D!"
And she didn't just do it once.
"What Torrid gone do without me? The T-O-R (snap snap snap) I-D!"
Torrid will be fine without you. Just like everyone else is fine without you, when you depart r they leave you.
Can we just skip to the shower portion of this? I worked outside in the heat for quite some time, and honestly, I'm tired.
Big Ham says that was "the cringiest thing I've ever done." You could have edited it out. Instead, as usual, you included it to show what a fucking retard you are. Get on with it. And stop that shit you do with your hands every time you do press on nails, like you're a sassy black woman. You are not. You're not even a good sassy white woman. You'll also never be a hand model, with your beetus paws as they are.
It's the last item in the first Torrid bag. I'd celebrate, but she has that other bag ready to step up. Naturally, she has ordered more shit she doesn't need and will never wear, as well. Yes, that's really something we're looking forward to, Hamber.
Pulls it out, it's a shirt. A grey shirt. An ugly grey shirt. Amazingly, she ordered it in the correct size, and instead of trying to stuff her 6X into a 4X, it actually fits. "Oh, she makes me happy," declares Big Ham.
I've been meaning to say this for awhile now. STOP ANTHROPOMORPHIZING SHIT, BITCH.
The shirt is not a "she". The shirt is an "it". You can still declare your undying luff for the damn thing without assigning human characteristics to it.
By the way, that's an ugly fucking shirt. Too bad you're so fucking fat and can't wear normal sized clothes that actually look good.
She "adores" how it fits her, as she plucks at it when turning to try to stop the inevitable clingy outline it does to show off all her rolls and her shelf ass. Pluck away, Hamber. But suck it up, because it isn't going to change the fact you look like ten pounds of sausage stuffed into a five pound string of links.
"Actively losing weight", y'all.
She's going to rate the shirt, and for some reason does a fanfare while she plays air drums. You could just say "Drumroll, please." if you're unable to roll the sound. She gives it a 9.5. Then, she bothers the fuck out of Rarity and us by picking up the cat and shoving it into the camera saying "Mommy rate it a 10." in some weird voice I suppose is her idea of the cat's if it could speak. Annoying and stupid. Way to stay true to form, Hamber.
Reuses the same footage of Rarity curled up and sleeping. Or trying to while Big Ham mauls her with her beetus paws,
Hamber tries a little scripted malaprop. saying horny instead of hungry, She does that stupid pause she does when she pulls this bullshit, and drops her camera hand down so we can stare up from the base camp into Mount Hamber, which is not a pretty sight. She then says hungry, blah blah. We know it's something you wrote up as a little skit for your vlog. You're not funny, no matter how many times you think you are. She eats a date from the package she bought, and we know immediately she hates them. She makes that stupid little smacksmacksmack she does because that's how she thinks real food critics and eaters really taste their food. `I'll tell you right now, Hamber, that stupid little smacking you're doing does not a single fucking thing to define or sharpen taste. It just makes you look like a fucking idiot. Like a 10 year given something exotic or expensive to eat, and trying to impress the adults. Just say you don't care for them. We know this will be their final appearance on the vlog. Unless you decide to "donate" them and fling them on the steps of the Goodwill as the "gf" drives you by the place.
She's now just awakened, and tells us the cats were sleeping with her or some bullshit and now her eye is all red and teary. Moves forward to later, with her allergies better. Take a fucking Claritin, dumbass.
Poetry prompt on the community tab, and it's about the level you would expect from that area of the amberverse. She reads some, they're terrible, but of course the loves them all. STOP USING MA'AM you unintelligent cunt. Yammers on about her poetry, and she says she likes her new stuff better than her old stuff, and she isn't even that person any more. Yes you are. You will never change, because you are a narc.
Shower time. She's telling us that for some reason, people think she's trying to prove something when she mentions showering.
Yes, bitch, you're trying to prove you shower. The more you mention something like this, the less likely it is you're actually doing it. Speaking of doing stuff, how's that Joaquin a mile going, Fatty?
Tells us we have to riihhhlize that there are all these channels and tiktok s showing their showering routines. I really don't give a rat's ass about other channels, but since you mentioned it, I went off and looked. Those people are far more interesting than you, way less smug, and actually either demonstrate something related to skin care or talk about the various products they're using. You, of course, have a fucking attitude, tossing each step like we're all the idiots who don't shower regularlyr.
She finally gets her fat ass in the shower, She's trying to sing, and speeds those parts up, but you can still hear her gasping for air if you listen. Nice try on editing all that out, Hamber.
She's claiming that she is washing her hair, etc., but the shower curtain never moves. My guess is either a shower chair or she's standing sideways in there. It doesn't really matter. She will never tell the truth about any of it, but it's still ridiculous.
Finishing washing her hair and washing with some exfoliating glove that she says will leave the skin smooth What, like your feet, soft as a a baby's butt to the point you can slide around on cat food/treat?.
Gets out, gets dressed, end of video for her showering "journey".
The "gf" is obviously not there, because this version of Hamber is a throwback to the loud, obnoxious Destiny Era.
TL;DW/R: Big Ham manages to spell Torrid wrong even though she's looking at the name all the time. Not just once, but twice. Trieson a shirt. It's grey, like her skin. Eats a date, hates it. Reads terrible poetry that isn't her own terrible poetry. Complains that haydur nation always comments on the times she's said she's showering or is just about to shower, as if it is a surprise not to believe what she claims, given that only a short time ago, she was bathing with a bucket and rag, in bed. Takes a shower, snottily informing the audience of each step. Pulls an "Other YouTubers!" out of the hat about shower routines. Gets out, towel across her wide load front, as obviously no towel is going to do a 360 on Big Ham. Cuts to her dressed, and video ends with an outro card. Stupid and boring even as measured on the Hamber Scale of Content.
ETA: Eight midrolls in this one.
