Just because I’m uncertain when our darling
@Situation Type Deal Gorl is going to make it into the wonderment that is .onion, and because it’s languished here for five days without being recapped, I figured I’d stop being a lazy asshole and return to timestamp at least one more ALR video. Because I’m a good person, and I figured ‘why not save STDG from this bullshit upon return?’ And because ALR’s been a lazy bitch and hasn’t uploaded anything new. And her I’m Done video hasn’t been fully mocked since the Farms has been going through Troon-induced upheavals.
Since I used to do this shit all the time and this is a relatively short video (plus seeing as how I'm bored and only mildly drunk), what the hell. Let’s begin. Le sigh.
0:00 ‘Hey Guise!’ Hey, Amber. Let’s go on with this ‘no intro’ lazy bullshit.
0:06 Informs us immediately that this is not a Q&A (thank goodness), and that it’s Monday the 29th. I’m typing this recap on September 5th (fuck, the clock just rolled over - so it’s the 6th) and according to Youtube as of a few minutes ago, this was posted 5 days ago. So on the 31st. And is archived on page 3127 of her thread. Bitch took 2 days to upload this steaming pile of nonsense. Motivation and drive right here, guys and gorls. Oh yeah, and it’s been 2 weeks since she fell and her life altered completely, her going from a semi-non-ambulatory blubberpotomus to a nearly-completely-non-ambulatory blubberpotomus.
0:22 Gripes that people are griping that she’s ‘melkeeeeen it’ but she’s not, she’s trying to bring her experience as a 500 pound person who broke her ligaments. Huh. I wasn’t aware that ligaments can break. Fray, yes. Tear, yes. Snap, stretch, strain, yes. Break? It’s not a bone, retard.
0:35 Has to throw in a clip of her saying ‘as a skinny person!’ as she’s blathering about ‘imagine walkeen on torn ligaments, that shit hurts.’ Don’t need to imagine it. Just about every person alive has sprained their ankle, you fat retard. And there’s no verification that you tore anything, considering that you’re past the capacity of any MRI machine known to man so there’s no scan to validate shit. But she’s still going, saying ‘now imagine adding a 500 lb brick atop of that.’ As opposed to what, adding 500 lbs of adipose tissue? 500 lbs of steel? 500 lbs of feathers? 500 lbs of gorlfrend? A 500 lb brick would be better, because it’s not jiggly and would allow you to exercise finer control over weight placement… but an in-depth physics discussion has no place in a thread about a dumbass cuntasaurus with 3 total braincells, one dedicated to breathing, one to eating, and the other to trying to find a companion to knock against in order to formulate thought.
0:55 Of course, her pain is SPECIAL because she’s fat and she’s been fighting to not be bed bound. As opposed to 2019, where she relished in being bed bound, because Becky was there to sponge her folds and wipe her ass.
1:05 Pardon me, I am going to go suck-start my edger because she has professed that she uses her bed to sleep and to ‘make love’ and the thought of AL having anything resembling sex has made me violently ill. Be back in a few minutes.
And now with a nice tumbler filled with Diet Coke and a healthy slug of vodka in it, we resume.
1:15 Listing off things she says she does other than sit on her bed. Clean, walk, take out Twinkie, doing things with Jade Francis of New York who moved to Lexington and is involved in frivolous lawsuits, slow-dancing in the kitchen (we must remember she’s an award winning choreography/dancer-type-deal or some bullshit), cooking. And she’s saying all this while sitting… either on her bed or on the couch. Whines that it isn’t the vibe now even though it was the vibe in 2019.
1:41 Here’s the picture of where she fell. Blames a hole that looks like it was made with an edger. I put some of those alongside my sidewalk today when I ran out between downpours to get the lawn edged and mowed so the HOA doesn’t come rape my soul. This looks severe enough to… who the fuck am I kidding. That wouldn’t dump me off my bicycle if I went into that little trough going 20+ mph on my vintage TT bike that has 700x19c tires on it (for non-cycling fags, that means SUPER SKINNY tires, the ones you pump up to 120 lbs, though I run with mine at 110 for comfort).
1:54 Now a picture of her shoe. That went into the hole. And nothing looks wrong with it, really. It’s still got nice, clean sidewalls on it. Pristine and white. What the fuck is she trying to prove here, other than she’s a sleezy dumbass who’s following Jade Francis’s suggestion to document shit for a frivolous lawsuit that’ll be thrown out? Oh, she zooms in on it and shows a touch of dirt. She professes that’s from where her foot went into the hole and it made her ankle twist. Now AL, let’s pause.
We’ve seen her walking in other videos, at lesser weights. We know she shuffles with her feet turned out because they can’t point forward if she’s to maintain her balance. That trough was running parallel with the sidewalk (because yes, it looks like aggressive edging), so the probability of her toe dipping into that trough and hanging up hard enough for our dummy to twist her ankle is minuscule at best. In fact, I would say the probability is less than a full percentage point. But AL is retarded, and retards do retarded things even when the thing they’re doing is as simple as walking as a supposedly functional adult, so I guess I shouldn’t be pondering this in any fashion. It’s making my brain cry in pain. Fortunately that’s why I have alcohol with me.
2:15 ‘It could’ve happened to anybody’ except not, because people don’t shuffle-walk like tards and wouldn’t trip sticking their toe in a slender edging trough alongside a sidewalk. Dumbass. ‘It had nothing to do with my weight’ except your gait is changed because of your weight, so it actually does. ‘Imagine you’re walking and vlogging and not paying attention’ like every pre-teen on the planet does, and they aren’t faux-tearing ligaments (not validated by MRIs) waddling about in Lexington at night.
2:30 ‘You’re gonna fall and you’re gonna hurt yourself’ Except not, because I’m not a 500 lb buttermonkey.
2:38 Now I’m holding my head and trying not to yell at my computer. Because she’s using the most condescending tone she can (full cunt-mode engaged) and has a slide insert stating in writing exactly what she’s saying… EXCEPT NOT. Because the slide states “You ask for the real me and real experiences as someone who is super morbidly obese” and she states “you guys asked for the real me and real experiences as someone who is morbidly obese.” Bitch, wake up and smell the aeyyyyygs. You ain’t the category of obesity you’ve placed yourself in. You aren’t that dainty.
2:50 OMG, if she could be any more of a condescending fucktwit I’d be shocked. She’s blathering about how ‘then you guys accuse me of leaving out details, which means I’m lyeeeeeen.’ Shaddup. ‘What, that doesn’t make sense.’ Except it does. Because you’re a lying liar that lies.
3:00 Now she’s blaming her audience for the fact that she’s oversharing, and whines that everyone says that oversharing means she’s lying. She whines atop a slide that says ‘Which. Is. It.’ and grumbles ‘soooo, which is it? Is it oversharing, or the lack of details?’ It’s that you’re a lying liar that lies. That’s all. Seriously, AL, you need to take our recommendations and start journaling your lies so you can keep them straight and stop exposing yourself. Perhaps do a little tiny bit of research before you go spouting off medical issues that are easily debunked (like having torn all of your ligaments, even though there’s no MRI to prove it and you’re walking around).
3:25 ‘I don’t know where the middle ground is. It’s like everything I do is wrong.’ Because it’s lies and you’re getting caught in them. Brings up a slide that says ‘Complaints. Constantly. Repeatedly. Obsessively.’ Well, maybe because you’re being called out as a liar. Because you are one. And she’s whining like a fucking 4 year old. Ugh.
3:35 ‘JuSt LeT mE tAlK aBoUt My ExPeRiEnCe WhIlE iT’s HaPpEnEeN.’ Shaddup. If you don’t want criticism, don’t put it on the web, dummy. ‘Everyone is different’ yeah, we ain’t all stupid as a box of pocket lint (many apologies for doubting the intellectual prowess of pocket lint). ‘What I am experiencing is real and just stop trying to invalidate it with’ FACTS ‘pointless opinions and theories.’ TRUTHS. Because she can’t handle them.
3:54 Claims that how her ankle twisted gave her messed up ligaments. I thought they were broken ligaments? Or as you redacted, torn ligaments? Be more specific. Then tell us what tests they ran to verify your claims. Because there wasn’t nothin’, fucktard.
3:56 ‘Actually, I’m never gonna talk about this again.’ YAY!!! And the peasants rejoice!! ‘No more updates, no more conspiracies, I’m tired of the fat shaming’ We’re shaming you for being a clumsy lying retard, dumbass. Who ate herself to 500 lbs and then apparently threw herself onto the pavement, and is trying to blame it on edging. ‘I’m tired of it all, so we will never talk about this again.’ Are we using the royal we? Because you sure fucking haven’t had a dialogue.
4:10 Oh, now she’s claiming she has specialist appointments about this. Except, you know, it’s been 2 weeks since her ‘incident’ and she hasn’t mentioned physical therapy at any point, which is what they would’ve done for a sprain. Source - may have been through multiple sprains. So she has no specialist appointments. Keeps whining that she’s not going to talk about tests she’s getting done, progress she’s making, nothing. Because she’s tired of FACTS debunking what she’s claiming.
4:22 Now it’s on to more grousing about people actually asking questions that are driving her into a fucking corner and being unwilling to keep up her story. Because she waffles around and can’t keep her lies straight. And is getting called out on them. But no, she’s saying that those people are saying that it happened because she’s fat (truth - as previously stated, her weight and the strain on her joints and skeletal structure has altered how she has to place her feet while standing and walking to support herself), because she’s big (same same), it wouldn’t have happened to anybody else (because most people have more coordination than a 9 month old baby), etc. Then goes off about how there’s another group of people who profess that she barely even hurt herself and she did this so she could just sit in bed and melk the sympathy points from her gorlfren. Which is correct.
4:40 ‘I’m done. I’m done! So that’s that.’ And that is the end of the video, mercifully. No outro, no perky little fake kissy shit, no nothing. Just reaching for the phone and hitting the 'stop record' dot. Thanks for only crying about your retard drama for less than 5 minutes. I only needed one vodka and Diet Coke to make it through this mess.
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