turning to alcohol, diagnosed with bpd, & saying goodbye forever | Tuesday Nov. 7 2023:
Archive
Back with a clickbait Q&A situation type style:
"Haven't been posting because like so much has been going on up here."
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1: Why are you suddenly no longer complaining about any of your multiple health issues that were always causing you to be set back/your mental health problems that you felt the need to feel to use as a crutch every day, suddenly healed from everything?
(Yikes. I don't know who had the stroke-- ALR as she was reading the question or the person that wrote it.)
I think it's really sad that whenever people are vocal about their mental/physical stuff, that people say they're using it as a crutch. Then when things are too late or have gone too far, people are like you should've spoken up. I am very much that person that does speak up, but I've taken a step back in that regard, because I am constantly judged and people do think that I'm using it as a crutch. So I think that's the reason why I'm not talking about those things anymore. The responses that I receive don't help me, it makes me feel worse.
2: Have you noticed an improvement in your health overall?
Yeah, I do notice an improvement in my health. I was explaining to my mom the other night how bad I was in 2019, the only people who knew were the people that I lived with. I was outside, taking a walk with my mom and Twinkie, and I wouldn't have been able to do this in 2019.
Even my mom was like, what do you think changed, how do you think you did that (improved her stamina) even though you're still the same size? (LMAO meth momma has jokes, go off.) Well, it's because it takes work... it takes work to build your stamina, my layyyggs would shake and I'd be so out of breath taking a shower. For even 30 seconds, it just felt like I was completely incapable as a person and I remember feeling like I'm never going to change. I had a friend at the time that was experiencing the same things, and I asked her is this how it's always going to be? (Chantal? Who else is there?)
Slowly but surely, I said noooo, so I just started standing for no reason. I would get up and just stand for no reason, just to build those muscles. I stopped sitting while cooking, I stood to journal, I told myself do not get on a scooter. I did not want Faline to see me like that, so not one time in our relationship did I use a scooter. That person in 2019, she does not exist. So here I am, living on my own with ZERO help.
3: Are you in pain going out so much?
No, I'm not in pain but I do have lipedema and lynnphedema, so I swell more.
4: Has Faline ghosted you?
No.... but I really hurt her after falling in love with someone else. (STFU how do you fall in love with a person you've never met and have only spoken to online for a week? It wasn't love miss ma'am.) I take accountability, I obviously could not control falling in love with someone else. It really goes to show how much she did love me, I tried to fix it but I kept failing. It got to where she doesn't even want to be my friend. We were cordial for a bit after she left, I texted her daily I love you and I miss you. My friend told me to stop contacting her, this is gonna sound dumb to some people.... this is day five of not contacting her, I mean I'm mentally ill. We are not in contact, I'm going to respect her wishes, but it's been really freaking hard. I don't want to talk about her, I'm never going to come on here and say bad things about her.
"I went through a whole separate heartbreak in private, wahhhh!"
Meanwhile Jade:
5: How are the fur-babies adapting to the new place?
They're doing great, they seem happy and calm.
6: Do you think it's wise to be drinking all the time with all the medication you're on?
I'm actually not on any medication, at all. It's been months since I'm taken my anxiety, bi-polar medication. Taking a break with drinking now because I feel like I was turning to it.
7: Have you finished unpacking?
Yes, I unpacked within four days of moving.
8: Would you ever get back with one of your exes?
Yes, Faline if circumstances were different. (Which circumstances? Ones where you're actually a partner to her, where you can be independent, travel, and walk? That's obviously a tough ask.)
9: Have you found a new therapist?
I have not. After I finished the twelve sessions with my psychologist for WLS, I continued seeing him. Remember I told you guys how I needed to switch psychologists, someone that specializes in something else. Well, I only got to see that doctor once because I moved.
I was diagnosed with depression at nine, since then I've been diagnosed with OCD, PTSD, bi-polar... these were so much easier to accept. On my 19th session I was diagnosed by my psychologist with
borderline personality disorder.
It's hard for me to accept, but it's obvious that I have it. There isn't medicine for it-- you have to work, work work, work, work. It explains lidurally 90% of why I am the way I am, now it's just something else I have to work on. It isn't fair, but life isn't fair.
10: Give us the tea on the guy that ghosted you.
That rumor is not real.
11: Any changes you've noticed from your hysterectomy?
Yes, my hair. My hair texture has completely changed it's dry, curly, and thin. I notice I get hot/cold quicker.
12: Am I doing vlogmas this year?
I don't know, but last vlogmas was my favorite. Vlogmas always makes me happy, but Faline was large reason why I enjoyed it so much and now when I think of it, I think of her. I love vlogmas, but do I love it enough to be sad over it every day?
13: Explain your tik toks.
There's no hidden meaning, people call them thirst traps. I just enjoy dancing, lip syncing and I'm just feeling myself.
14: What's it been like reconnecting with your mom?
It's been so amazeeen, so much time lost to make up for. My whole life I didn't have her, we're both in a situation where we have each other and want to build a relationship. She doesn't 100% know how to be a mom, but she's doing a good job and I don't know how to be a daughter. We're having fun, we've talked about the past and she's apologized.
15: What's the best/worst part of living in OK?
I love it here, when I lived here when I was 18 for six months, I hated it. Worst part is being lonely, because of the move and being without the person you love. (Yeah ok, keep telling us how the break up with mutual though) Not looking forward to tornadoes/snow.
16: What areas of your life are in need of the most improvement?
Weight
17: Do you only leave the apartment on the weekends?
No, I leave whenever I have plans.
18: Are you going to upload on a schedule?
No, I'm going to fail.
19: How old were you when you graduated high school?
18
