I feel like Amber is trying to bait me , She knows I watch her videos and this YouNow is almost unbearable but yet I still watch and cringe , my soul hurts , I'm talking to my counselor on Monday and going to refocus. I've got to back away for my own well being , I know this. But it's hard because despite it all she is my family.
This is where my struggle comes in : This last time around , I backed away and only watched from a distance , waiting and praying to see change . After Destiny left her I really thought I seen some positive changes in her , I commented a little here and little there to let her know " I'm still watching ... waiting .." fast forward to current situation ... I commented out of anger , disappointment etc... and in just a few days. I have reminded why I was advised to detach in the first place. The thing I battle is this : Walking away for good means forever , I can't see starting this snowball of heartache over again in a year , two , five . It hurts, it really does.
Some people are put in our lives for lessons to be learned. She has taught me many. I just wish she would have accepted the knowledge I wanna to share with her , I wish she wanted to heal rather than play victim.
As I listen to this YouNow I can't help but wonder , Did she even mention it was her brother Tony's birthday? who is in prison thanks largely to his wonderful father that Amber loves to speak well about ? Did she send him a card ? Does she put money on his books? Leave a message on his wall on Facebook? very doubtful ! Just wondering if she even bothered to shed some tears for her "fans" over him yesterday ?
I really think the reason she has been on so often lately is because she is trying to get me to react again!
Sorry, I'z a noob - I fecked that up and posted it all. Dur.
I usually just lurk and laugh, but this struck me the other day and now it's come up, so...
This isn't real to us, except for those who were originally supportive and feel burned (and yes, I totally get why) to whom its an incidental. annoying one - nobody likes investing time or emotion wastefully - but still incidental. But for Tammie it's all too real and of the huge array of emotions all this must spur for her, I can't think of a single positive one.
Tammie, therapists tell people to disconnect for a reason - and it's usually a last resort. Ordinarily they will try and navigate you to common ground as separation is so painful and draining. It also severs any hope of explanation, which is something we all need; to know why things happened the way they did, what was intended, is there anywhere to go from here and all that blah. But if you have the true, honest and trusting relationship with your therapist that is the ideal basis, she's obviously decided connection of any sort is more harmful to you than whatever hope of reconciliation she thinks is achievable.
It's never easy to do, but laughs aside I think we can all feel that this is hurting you. But ultimately, no other adult is your responsibility and, if they aren't coming to you on the basis of honesty, what is the point of maintaining contact if it harms you? You're trying to have a relationship with a chimera who changes with the wind so which version are you actually trying to relate to? Of COURSE you feel a pull from the little girl you knew but she's gone - and, until the adult faces up to and finds herself, you're only ever going to have a relationship with today's version of that person. Who could be a completely different person tomorrow.
AL has things she needs to deal with. She likely has a push/pull series of feelings towards her mother (of all her bullshit, that prevaricating to-and-fro is something I can actually understand) but SHE has to deal with it all. And, as has been pointed out innumerable times, she isn't - just fills her life with transient food, transient trinkets and transient friends and relationships. It's sad, it must be heartbreaking for you to watch, but not only is it not your responsibility, there's nothing you can change anyway. It has to come from within her.
A closed door doesn't have to stay permanently closed. You don't have to slam it forever, you don't have to leave a chink - you have the option of closing it for now, but allowing for change in the future. When/if she decides to really become a self-reliant adult then there is a basis for a relationship, but there's nothing incumbent on you to wait in pain for that.
You look amazing. That cannot have come easy, either physically or mentally, and it has obviously involved some painful realisations and choices. If this is another one, maybe (hopefully!) it's the last. But if someone is harmful to you just by them being in your life, there is no law that says you have to choose them over yourself. Putting it bluntly....fuck that!
I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, if it's too "feelsy" or whatever. But a large part of the storm around AL is that we are watching someone self-destruct and taking anyone in the vicinity with her. She chooses to put it out there so it's fair game. I was catching up and it's just booted me in my usually non-existent feels (chiz chiz curses) when I realised I'm watching Tammie hurt too. That's no shade; she chose to come here, but I know how I'd feel if this were my family...(like getting hold of emancipation soon as!)
Now back to the pointing and laughing...
Has anyone seen "Rafe" -or any of 'em - actually spell her name? (I can't sit through more than ten seconds of AL without giving my poota an impromptu flying lesson, so scuse if dumb question.)
I really, REALLY hope they do spell it RAFE. Cos it's one of those bitch things the superior English do to separate out the nobs from the plebs*, pronounce things differently from their spelling. The actual name is spelled Ralph. And please, please let her surname be Featherstonehaugh >:-)
*it makes up for lack of chins in the English gentry. And chromosomes.
