Ask a Security Jerkop anything.

[The Dude]

I'm a private security officer (read Jerkop) and have been off and on for about 8 years. Feel free to ask me anything about the job and my experiences. I promise I will be 100% TRUE and HONEST.

 

[LM 697]

What do you do if you encounter one gi-gantic mo-ther-fucker?

 

[exball]

What happens when you are attacked by these?

 

[Bob's Fries]

So how do you exactly become a qualified security officer?

 

[The Dude]

What do you do if you encounter one gi-gantic mo-ther-fucker?

Well, seeing as how I'm currently only licensed for unarmed sites I would keep my distance, assure him I'm not a threat to him, try to talk to him and keep him calm, and if all else fails fall back and call law enforcement.

What happens when you are attacked by these?

Make my peace with the Almighty and pray for a quick death.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

What was the weirdest thing you've had to deal with? Have you met any Chris-like people, or people who think that because you're not a real cop they don't have to listen to you?

 

[The Dude]

So how do you exactly become a qualified security officer?

When I first got into Security in 2001 I contacted a local security company and had a job interview. They paid for my licensing and did my training. In Utah it typically takes two days of classwork which usually involves watching films, doing some book work to learn your local professional requirements (like what you can can cannot do on the job, citizens arrest, things like that) then you take a written test. You then go through a background check to make sure you can legally serve as a licensed security professional. If you're going armed then you do classwork for the use of authorized lethal force. If you are carrying less than lethal devices such as OC spray, tasers, batons then you go through training on their use, including being sprayed or tasered so you know what their effects are. You qualify with your firearm, including how to properly draw the weapon from a holster and how to do tactical reloads and clearing stoppages.

It's all pretty simple stuff, just time consuming. You will need to qualify with your weapon at least once a year, sometimes once every six months, and do continuing classwork to keep you license current.

 

[exball]

Have you ever gotten to mace anybody? Were the reactions hilarious?

 

[Bob's Fries]

So how do you exactly become a qualified security officer?

When I first got into Security in 2001 I contacted a local security company and had a job interview. They paid for my licensing and did my training. In Utah it typically takes two days of classwork which usually involves watching films, doing some book work to learn your local professional requirements (like what you can can cannot do on the job, citizens arrest, things like that) then you take a written test. You then go through a background check to make sure you can legally serve as a licensed security professional. If you're going armed then you do classwork for the use of authorized lethal force. If you are carrying less than lethal devices such as OC spray, tasers, batons then you go through training on their use, including being sprayed or tasered so you know what their effects are. You qualify with your firearm, including how to properly draw the weapon from a holster and how to do tactical reloads and clearing stoppages.

It's all pretty simple stuff, just time consuming. You will need to qualify with your weapon at least once a year, sometimes once every six months, and do continuing classwork to keep you license current.

I see. So what is the income of an average security officer, drawing from your own experience?

 

[Surtur]

I was once a jerkop as well. The oay depends o whether you are armed or not.

 

[Fialovy]

how many autistics have you kicked?

 

[TastyWoodenBadge]

How many Curse-ye-ha-me-ha's have you received?

 

[The Dude]

What was the weirdest thing you've had to deal with? Have you met any Chris-like people, or people who think that because you're not a real cop they don't have to listen to you?

The weirdest thing I had to deal with would be a tie between a homeless man trying to forcibly gain entry into an office tower I was guarding and a homeless guy who I thought was dead. The guy trying to gain entry was in a wheelchair and he was yanking on a glass door to the lobby so much that I was convinced it was going to shatter. It was mag-locked at the top, but the bottom was flexing out nearly six inches at one corner. When I addressed him over the intercom he became belligerent and insisted that he lived there...in an office building.

The homeless guy that I thought was dead, I call him the Zombie Hobo, was at a Motel 6 in downtown Salt Lake City. I was walking my patrol of the parking lot and saw a body in the flower bed. I walked over to him and looked him over then radioed the night clerk, who is now my friend, Lane is his name.

Me: Lane, there's a hobo in the flower bed.
Lane: Yeah, we get them here sometimes. He needs to leave the property.
Me: No prob, I'll wake him.

I lean over him.
Me: Hey bud, wake up. You can't sleep here.
Zombie Hobo: ...
Me louder: Hey man, get up, you're trespassing.
ZH: ...
I kick his foot and nearly yell.
Me: HEY! GET YOUR ASS UP!
ZH: ...
Me on the radio: Dude, he's not getting up. I don't think he's breathing. I kicked his foot even.
Lane: Did you check his pulse?
Me: Oh man, I don't wanna touch him, especially if he IS dead.
Lane: Bro, only way to be sure.
Me: Yeah, yeah...

I kick his foot even harder and practically scream.
Me: SIR! WAKE UP!
ZH: ...

So I bend over to check his pulse and just as I'm about to touch his neck to feel for a pulse his eyes open and he shoots up.

ZH: GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Me: GAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! MOTHER FUCK THAT!!!!
Lane over the radio: The fuck was that!
ZH: DON'T KILL ME!
Me: I'm not gonna kill you! Are...are you gonna kill me?
ZH: N-no...I was jus' sleepin'!
Me calmer now: Do you have a room here?
ZH: No...
Me: Well then you need to crash somewhere else bud, you're trespassing.
ZH: Oh man, fuck you.
Me: Go on, kick rocks bud.
Lane over the radio: You alright? What happened?
Me: He came back to life and freaked the shit outta me!
Lane over the radio laughing his ass off: Dude you screamed so loud! I heard you clear from here INSIDE the office!
Me: Fuck you, ass, I thought he was gonna take a bite outta me!

As far as "special people" I had a guy in the Greyhound station I was guarding a few months ago who literally was like a child. He had gotten chased out of a hostel and was threatened with his life. He came to the Greyhound station and kept saying that he was scared. The police and EMS had been called about him several times, but he wouldn't go with them to the hospital and hadn't done anything to be arrested for, but he kept begging people to save him. His mom in Chicago had been called and asked if he could stay at the bus station until she could fly out to collect him. He was making the other travelers uncomfortable because he kept fucking with people's bags and irritating people.

A few people came up to me and said if I didn't do anything about him that they would beat him. I said that I wasn't a babysitter and that if they harmed him I would evict them, call the police, and they would be banned from riding Greyhound ever again.

When ever you would talk to him he would just look at you blankly and say "What?" and then act all freaked out.

He wanted to leave on a bus, but when he would get on he would freak out. I kept telling him that his mom was coming to get him and to just sit tight.

He talked really soft and I'm hard of hearing, so he would say something to me and I would say "I'm sorry, what? Speak up, I can't understand you." Then he would say "What? What?" and walk away all nervous.

Finally it got so bad that I had to physically move him away from everyone else and make him sit on the floor. He would get upset and say "Don't treat me like a child." and I'd say "You're acting like a child. Stay away from those people, they want to hurt you because you make them uncomfortable. I'm trying to protect you."

He kept asking why I was mad at them and I told him it was because he was bothering people and making my job hard.

Then he took his dirty clothes out of his bag and threw them all around the hallway. I had to force him to pick them up, like I do with my son.

Like I said, he was messing with people's bags, saying they were his. I would take him back to his bags and say "THOSE are your bags. Don't touch other people's stuff." Then he'd ask why I was mad again.

I had to chase him down a couple times because he tried to get on the commuter train.

He kept telling me he was tired and that he hadn't slept in three days. I told him to take a nap on the floor and he'd say "What?" and get freaked out again.

Finally he left when my back was turned, leaving all his bags.

Have you ever gotten to mace anybody? Were the reactions hilarious?

No, I've never had to used physical force or draw my sidearm, except for qualifying. I actually never carried any sprays or mace. I was an armored truck driver for a while and that was the only time I was armed.

So how do you exactly become a qualified security officer?

When I first got into Security in 2001 I contacted a local security company and had a job interview. They paid for my licensing and did my training. In Utah it typically takes two days of classwork which usually involves watching films, doing some book work to learn your local professional requirements (like what you can can cannot do on the job, citizens arrest, things like that) then you take a written test. You then go through a background check to make sure you can legally serve as a licensed security professional. If you're going armed then you do classwork for the use of authorized lethal force. If you are carrying less than lethal devices such as OC spray, tasers, batons then you go through training on their use, including being sprayed or tasered so you know what their effects are. You qualify with your firearm, including how to properly draw the weapon from a holster and how to do tactical reloads and clearing stoppages.

It's all pretty simple stuff, just time consuming. You will need to qualify with your weapon at least once a year, sometimes once every six months, and do continuing classwork to keep you license current.

I see. So what is the income of an average security officer, drawing from your own experience?

It varies from state to state and even site to site. You negotiate a contract with your client, including pay for the officers. Lowest I've ever made was $9/hr. I average about $10/hr right now, but the site I'm on tonight is $12/hr plus I'm pulling overtime tonight. Armed officers typically make more because of the risks and training involved.

how many autistics have you kicked?

Only the internet kind. I've never had to be physical with someone. I've dealt with some pretty belligerent people, but I'm good at calming people down and seeing how they're acting like an ass. Being calm and talking rationally to people goes a long way because they'll usually see that they're acting like an idiot and you're being reasonable.

How many Curse-ye-ha-me-ha's have you received?

LOL actually I did get threatened by a witch who said she was going to hex me for kicking her out of the Greyhound station because she was doing some kind of ritual in the lounge and it was making people upset.

 

[exball]

How many Curse-ye-ha-me-ha's have you received?

LOL actually I did get threatened by a witch who said she was going to hex me for kicking her out of the Greyhound station because she was doing some kind of ritual in the lounge and it was making people upset.

If only you had some Cherokien blood in you, You could counter with your own Curse-ye-ha-me-ha.

 

[The Dude]

How many Curse-ye-ha-me-ha's have you received?

LOL actually I did get threatened by a witch who said she was going to hex me for kicking her out of the Greyhound station because she was doing some kind of ritual in the lounge and it was making people upset.

If only you had some Cherokien blood in you, You could counter with your own Curse-ye-ha-me-ha.

I told her that as a Mormon I was immune to fictitious black magic.

 

[Pikonic]

Ever get any threats? Did you ever fear someone was about to fucking snap and beat you. (My boyfriend was an EMT, he said people on PCP are fucking scary)

 

[The Dude]

Ever get any threats? Did you ever fear someone was about to fucking snap and beat you. (My boyfriend was an EMT, he said people on PCP are fucking scary)

A few threats, but like I said I'm good at dealing with difficult people and defusing situations. The only time I came close to getting physical with someone was, again, at Greyhound. We had a guy that got kicked off a bus for hitting on a 13 year old girl. He was also following women around the terminal and I even caught him coming out of the women's restroom. I confronted him and told him I would kick him out and call the police if he didn't start acting right. I informed the Greyhound manager about it and he asked me to remove him from the terminal and collect his ticked so we could ban him from Greyhound forever. He tried to make excuses like he thought it was the men's room and so on.

While filling out my incident report I got the idea to Google him and discovered he had priors in two states and was on the sex offender registry for Statutory Rape of a minor over the age of 15 and sodomy of a child under the age of 13. This made my blood boil because I detest sex offenders, especially pederasts.

As I was walking to my car at the end of my shift he confronted me, saying that I had no right to ban him and that it was bullshit and he was going to get me fired.

I told him that I looked him up and found out about his priors and being on the sex offender registry. He got an "oh shit" look on his face. I told him that I'm off duty and no longer had any obligation to be professional with him. I took my uniform shirt off and squared up with him. I said "look at me. I've got 5 inches and at least 100 pounds on you little man. I've kept my cool so far, but now that I know you're a child rapist I'm done being nice. Would you like me to show you what I really feel about someone who propositions a 13 year old girl? Or rapes on? You've got to the count of five before I curb stomp your skull you fucking pederast. One. Two." And he fucking RAN. Nearly got hit by a taxi.

 

[brooklynbailiff]

I told him that I looked him up and found out about his priors and being on the sex offender registry. He got an "oh shit" look on his face. I told him that I'm off duty and no longer had any obligation to be professional with him. I took my uniform shirt off and squared up with him. I said "look at me. I've got 5 inches and at least 100 pounds on you little man. I've kept my cool so far, but now that I know you're a child rapist I'm done being nice. Would you like me to show you what I really feel about someone who propositions a 13 year old girl? Or rapes on? You've got to the count of five before I curb stomp your skull you fucking pederast. One. Two." And he fucking RAN. Nearly got hit by a taxi.

You're a true badass.

 

[exball]

Ever get any threats? Did you ever fear someone was about to fucking snap and beat you. (My boyfriend was an EMT, he said people on PCP are fucking scary)

A few threats, but like I said I'm good at dealing with difficult people and defusing situations. The only time I came close to getting physical with someone was, again, at Greyhound. We had a guy that got kicked off a bus for hitting on a 13 year old girl. He was also following women around the terminal and I even caught him coming out of the women's restroom. I confronted him and told him I would kick him out and call the police if he didn't start acting right. I informed the Greyhound manager about it and he asked me to remove him from the terminal and collect his ticked so we could ban him from Greyhound forever. He tried to make excuses like he thought it was the men's room and so on.

While filling out my incident report I got the idea to Google him and discovered he had priors in two states and was on the sex offender registry for Statutory Rape of a minor over the age of 15 and sodomy of a child under the age of 13. This made my blood boil because I detest sex offenders, especially pederasts.

As I was walking to my car at the end of my shift he confronted me, saying that I had no right to ban him and that it was bullshit and he was going to get me fired.

I told him that I looked him up and found out about his priors and being on the sex offender registry. He got an "oh shit" look on his face. I told him that I'm off duty and no longer had any obligation to be professional with him. I took my uniform shirt off and squared up with him. I said "look at me. I've got 5 inches and at least 100 pounds on you little man. I've kept my cool so far, but now that I know you're a child rapist I'm done being nice. Would you like me to show you what I really feel about someone who propositions a 13 year old girl? Or rapes on? You've got to the count of five before I curb stomp your skull you fucking pederast. One. Two." And he fucking RAN. Nearly got hit by a taxi.

You're the best dude.

 

[JarlaxleBaenre]

Dude, what's a typical shift in a larger building like an office?