- Joined
- Oct 28, 2018
I'm reasonably certain that last one is from 50 Shades of Grey, based on what I've seen of the book.
Bad writing - it's bad writing
- Thread starter Knight Fight
- Start date
I'm reasonably certain that last one is from 50 Shades of Grey, based on what I've seen of the book.
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2019
Winner winner chicken dinner.
Ps. I triedoneof the choose your own adventure type games a couple of weeks back. I don't have a writing sample.
But the inanity of genderqueer stuff that creeped in was insufferable. But let's focus on the writing.
It was so confusing when a new character was met and even before any type of name introduction or description of looks, everybody from narrator to characters, reffered to the character as "they". I could only imagine this was the most over the top queer appearance that nobody doubted the pronoun would be "they". Like purple haired, septum pierced, 8bit tattoo, which kinda ruined the medieval setting.
And a feudal society with a royal lesbian wedding? Like how would you handle succession? Why can't troons at least think through the implications of their ideas?
Ps. I triedoneof the choose your own adventure type games a couple of weeks back. I don't have a writing sample.
But the inanity of genderqueer stuff that creeped in was insufferable. But let's focus on the writing.
It was so confusing when a new character was met and even before any type of name introduction or description of looks, everybody from narrator to characters, reffered to the character as "they". I could only imagine this was the most over the top queer appearance that nobody doubted the pronoun would be "they". Like purple haired, septum pierced, 8bit tattoo, which kinda ruined the medieval setting.
And a feudal society with a royal lesbian wedding? Like how would you handle succession? Why can't troons at least think through the implications of their ideas?
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2017
I love this, too, but unfortunately it's just a parody excerpt based off the actual book. The "dick attack" is a real quote, though.
But now this is an editor's account of the worst vampire erotica she ever had the pleasure of reading and prevented it from seeing the light of day. I've posted it before elsewhere, but I love reposting this wherever I can, it's one of my favorites.
All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ????‽!!!!‽??‽!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.
Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.
Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.
Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.
If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.
So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”
This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.
When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.
A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ????‽!!!!‽??‽!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.
And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2020
Was about to create a thread about this topic, but I remembered this one already exists. I was trying to find some Royal Road stories to read that had the Space Opera tag a couple months back. For anyone unfamiliar, the tag is defined as this on the site:
I eventually found The Genesis Saga and the description convinced me to at least check it out. The beginning had problems looking back, like the military members of the "Viriliians" (read: literally humans but purple. Maybe some unique hair, but that's it) race barely acting like soldiers if at all, and didn't fit the Space Opera tag. I stuck through it, don't remember why, but those flaws boiled to the surface and it completely lost my interest after the characters are hidden away with the human to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and it devolves into a goddamn teen drama. The same shit keeps happening over and over again. An example I can recall is one of the asshole purple aliens acting like an asshole towards the traumatized human (for context, he hated the human on sight when they first met), he keeps constantly getting called out by everyone else, asshole alien brushes it off and doesn't get punished at any point for his behavior, rinse and fucking repeat. I remind you, these are supposed to be soldiers in a military on a high priority mission.
It was so much of a prevalent issue, the author addressed it in a note by saying he can't make any changes since it's already published and that it is a space opera. It's admittedly professional, but he seems to think that the tag means "opera in space." Uh, no, the screenshot I posted clearly defines what it's supposed to be used for. I don't know when he did it, but he also edited the summary section to outright tell people not to expect action and an "effective military.”
I get it's supposed to be a character driven slow burn like the author says and maybe it's just not for me, but it's grating as shit.
I eventually found The Genesis Saga and the description convinced me to at least check it out. The beginning had problems looking back, like the military members of the "Viriliians" (read: literally humans but purple. Maybe some unique hair, but that's it) race barely acting like soldiers if at all, and didn't fit the Space Opera tag. I stuck through it, don't remember why, but those flaws boiled to the surface and it completely lost my interest after the characters are hidden away with the human to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and it devolves into a goddamn teen drama. The same shit keeps happening over and over again. An example I can recall is one of the asshole purple aliens acting like an asshole towards the traumatized human (for context, he hated the human on sight when they first met), he keeps constantly getting called out by everyone else, asshole alien brushes it off and doesn't get punished at any point for his behavior, rinse and fucking repeat. I remind you, these are supposed to be soldiers in a military on a high priority mission.
It was so much of a prevalent issue, the author addressed it in a note by saying he can't make any changes since it's already published and that it is a space opera. It's admittedly professional, but he seems to think that the tag means "opera in space." Uh, no, the screenshot I posted clearly defines what it's supposed to be used for. I don't know when he did it, but he also edited the summary section to outright tell people not to expect action and an "effective military.”
I get it's supposed to be a character driven slow burn like the author says and maybe it's just not for me, but it's grating as shit.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2016
This is a real book from a real publisher. If you want more details read what I posted in the YA Bookgate thread a looong time ago. Possibly the worst book I've ever seen from a kind of prestigious publisher (Kensington Books), not self-published or a web serial.
Attachments
fagnarok
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Oct 9, 2024
There are many things I could say about this. But what I will say is: this author would be extremely disappointed by the actual Hollywood High.
There is a Hollywood High IRL. It's located near Sunset & Highland in Los Angeles. All of the students I have ever seen were typical teens, not this weird "'Clueless' meets 'Gossip Girl reboot' as done by Gen Z TikTok skits" nonsense.
L.A. is weird, but it's not that weird.
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2016
You mean you won't see negroes in a "pink ostrich feather floor length coat?" Very sad, if so.