Faith No More
The time to tell the complete truth has come. I can’t go on keeping up a mask any longer. This is going to be painful for people, but I owe you all the truth. Faith McClosky does not exist. It is a persona that I have used for over 10 years in order to gain acceptance. I am speaking to you now as “J”
So much of Faith is real and authentic, but so much is also fluff and lies meant to protect myself from rejection. When I sat down at a keyboard ten years ago, I felt like I could be anyone. I felt that the real me had no value or relevance, that I would never be accepted. I wanted to be free to express myself, my true self, without fear of rejection. In that moment, Faith McClosky was born. Faith allowed me to be myself, to express myself, to share myself in ways that I felt I couldn’t otherwise to people. For ten years, I have been Faith to the community, pouring myself into Faith and feeling validated sharing myself with the community.
I need to build bridges and mend fences, and I cannot do that anymore based on lies. So Here I am, coming clean.
I will explain my identity as best I can, given that I do not fully understand it myself. When I created Faith, identifying as female online simply felt natural to me. When I sat back and let go, Faith is who I naturally felt like. Over time, people came to accept me as a woman, or as a Transwoman. But I am not a transwoman. I allowed it to go on because I didn’t know how to correct it. Everything became wrapped up in my identity as Faith, and to tell people the truth scared me incredibly. Neither am I just a cis man. There is something more to me, but I don’t know what that is. I’ve tried to explore that online and it has caused much pain and hurt to people that didn’t deserve it. That has to stop.
So much of what people have come to love about me are real and authentic. My love of Battletech. My writing. My passion for social justice. All of that is real. The Faith persona allowed me to share that in a way that I was too frightened to otherwise. But the persona and lies surrounding it have become a burden that has grown heavier, and has hurt people in the process.
I never meant to hurt anyone, but I have to recognize that my actions have hurt people. I can’t go on without doing that. To anyone that I have hurt, know that your pain is valid, and I am truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I simply thought so little of myself that I felt I needed to lie.
Matters became further complicated when my writing got noticed by people at CGL. Now my identity was in question and wrapped up in my publication. I blundered through the publication process trying to maintain the secret of my identity and made things worse with my mistakes. I’m sorry for any problems I have caused anyone at CGL on the publication end. I was operating out of ignorance and fear.
I have tried to soften this, to peel away the lies and keep Faith at the core, but I can’t do that anymore. It simply doesn’t work. Faith has to go. I have to be something else. Something that was always there, just with the mask of Faith covering my own insecurities. So going forward, I’m going to be Ace Kaller to the online community. Faith is no more. I am Ace now. Ace is still passionate about Battletech, the community, writing, social justice and everything that you came to know me as, but I can do this now authentically without the façade.
Over the next few days, everything with flow over into this new, authentic identity. Names will change. The person will not. I know many of you will feel hurt. To you, I apologize. I know many of you will be angry. To you, I accept your anger as valid, and if you need to share it with me, feel free to do so. I know many of you will have questions for me. I will do my absolute best to answer these questions for people going forward. There are going to be some things kept private, but I will answer any questions that I can with the truth. If It’s something I can’t reveal, I will simply tell you so.
I hope that after reading all of this, that those of you that I have made an impact on will still accept me. I genuinely value so many people in this community, and I don’t want that to ever stop. I hope that you can forgive me for my insecurities and my hurtful actions. I hope that we can continue our Battletech journey going forward, with the lies and the mask gone.
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