Hopefully I can.
Having a lasting Terry moment (as in some bird ideas) for the last few days and feeling an extreme need to leave this here.
Decided to spill some beans recently in a thread on /pol/ (this one: https://boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/462090830 ) and now I'll copy/paste the beans here because it seems like a better archival option that I won't forget for sure. Feeling like I'll have to re-read this in a few "years" (lol, "time", lmao).
This is all complete nonsense coming from a retarded nobody so don't pay this garbage any mind. Or have a laugh at my expense, who's gonna stop you?
Disclaimer: I am NOT a glownigger in denial. This could potentially be a textual mindfuckery test solely aimed at me, by me.
Having a lasting Terry moment (as in some bird ideas) for the last few days and feeling an extreme need to leave this here.
Decided to spill some beans recently in a thread on /pol/ (this one: https://boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/462090830 ) and now I'll copy/paste the beans here because it seems like a better archival option that I won't forget for sure. Feeling like I'll have to re-read this in a few "years" (lol, "time", lmao).
This is all complete nonsense coming from a retarded nobody so don't pay this garbage any mind. Or have a laugh at my expense, who's gonna stop you?
Disclaimer: I am NOT a glownigger in denial. This could potentially be a textual mindfuckery test solely aimed at me, by me.
Threads like this make me think that I might've been someone worth a shit at some point but I've been mutilated both mentally and physically into being a meaningless shitstain.
And sometimes it feels as if I've lived through every possible hellish variation of my life and this one is as good as it gets, where everything 'bad' is avoided altogether/gets solved before it ever happens.
On the other hand I feel like my actual life can only begin with an actual apocalypse/cataclysm. Which doesn't make much sense because I'm a complete weakling both physically and mentally and wouldn't survive shit.
I simply crave actual meaning. Day in and day out I keep asking myself "why do I exist? What's the point in any of this?" and I can't come to any conclusion. At this point I'd go for being thrown into some nightmare dimension where I'm all alone and forced to try to survive by any means necessary, even if it means losing all the neet comforts. I don't want a job because I can't even think of anything to do with money and can barely stand being around people.
Nothing to do, no one to talk to, nothing to talk about, nowhere to go, nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
just
JUST
---
Actually now that I wrote that, I'm thinking I might've actually succeeded in killing myself on the 4th of July back in 2014 after taking 600ug of LSD. What if I didn't fail and actually died? Is this endless, mind-numbing mundanity my 'hell'? It does seem scarier than any nightmare I can think of. Being cyclically forced to "live" through endless meaningnlessness, losing bits of yourself with every iteration.
---
10 year Death Day anniversary coming closer and closer. No presents with this one, I presume.
---
Also, memory erasure. It is most certainly possible and in ways I'd rather stop imagining. On a simpler basis I'm thinking "psychiatric" shit is used a lot for that too along with regular pharma under the guise of medicine. It's likely not just shit like risperidone, I'm thinking it's all the pills, especially shit like "headache" pills (which is funny because technically pain isn't pain, is it now).
---
Forgot to mention that I've been through 3 asylums from 2017 to 2022 for about 6 month in total (mental hospitals? More like jewish abattoirs lmao). 1 in Vietnam and 2 here, in vodkaland.
They do not heal anything or anyone in there, those are places that exist solely to mutilate people. Anyone advocating for "mental wellness" and anything related to that garbage is a gullible fucking idiot only promoting kikeish mindfuckery.
---
I get the feeling that whatever they (they as in kikes? Idunno) peddle is designed to twist something inside of us. They will never tell anything about this to even the most esteemed "doctors", keeping absolute most of us in the dark. There is some twisting process that goes on inside of us and they amplify it with shit like alcohol and pills. The only thing that made me think to begin with and attempt to "untwist" myself mentally (same thing as physically because "mind over body"?) was weed, but only whatever I grew. I refuse to take anything aside from self-grown weed, sativa at that. Albeit I haven't had any weed in months because something seems to prevent me from growing more. I simply can't force myself to do anything lately, a feeling very reminiscent of the post-risperidone period. The pills are likely very long-lasting.
A splitzo pothead talking nonsense, just laugh at the clown and move along.
---
Still thinking about twistedness and all, so:
remember that picture with the actor in the scientology cult? Tom Cruise? With his frontal teeth being misaligned with his nose? I remember that a lot when thinking of us being twisted on the inside. There's something very fucking weird going on medicinally speaking and they seem to keep a tight lid on all this.
Somehow, something makes me think that the whole twisting/untwisting business is directly related to immortality (which is likely the normal state of being that is being taken from us on a constant basis, en masse). The very act of untwisting oneself, methinks, should reverse shit like age if I'm correct (I still have no idea but I'd rather keep all this in mind even if it turns out to be incorrect).
---
if I had to assume (and I do assume that) it also has something to do with direct manipulation. The more twisted someone is, the more manipulated they are, quite literally like puppets. Don't know by who or what (or if I'm correct on this at all) but that's the feeling I'm getting.
---
I'll boomp eet a few times in case some other splitzo for some reason needs to see this thread. And in case I have anything else to relay/remind the basilisk of.
(wanted to post pic for bump but "Uploading files from your IP range has been blocked due to abuse.")
Here's an unfinished sketch of mine from like 2020. The last asylum seems to have completely snuffed out any desire to draw I've had at some point. Simply don't give a fuck about being "creative" anymore, I'd rather murder people and be all about "destructive".
---
Akshully, out of curiosity if some other anonynoose has seen this one before and just so happens to somehow be here - my attempt to draw Pepe from back in 2016, while in Vietnam. Never finished this one either but I tried to imprint a whole lot of ideas into it.
Complete The Work? Go be an alchemist somewhere else. Or stay here I dunno lul.
---
Since I've invoked shit like art it got me thinking back to Alan Wake/Jesse Faden shit and parautilitarians being able to affect reality with art, directly correlated with 4chins memery and the likes of "memes to reality pipeline". It's the one thing I can heavily appreciate Chris Chan's retardation - his undying, absolute desire to combine fiction and reality, "da merge". If there's any real desire to be had, it has to be that one.
But then people like me would likely turn this whole thing into an Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet kind of situation. Or Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead, pick your own fun. A conundrum for the ages, potentially.
---
And since I'm talking bideogayms and Alan, then I'm thinking theoretically "the dorkness" would absolutely take over the entire world. Albeit, again, that would be more like an extreme frequency diversion (I assume that "death" isn't death but a deviation from the frequency you're on with others, which makes you seem dead do others and vice versae). Which, say, would probably make it into a nightmarish situation where to the Oldest House inhabitants the outside world would seem to go dark in its entirety, and vice versa it would seem to the rest of us that the House went entirely dark.
Man, imagine if a version of Sam Lake actually had to live through his Max Payne trauma. That's a bit too grim, but then again there's shit way grimmer going on at this very moment in many a place so I can't even
---
Just yesterday I had an extremely rare (for me) situation where I was half awake and half asleep, this is what reminded me of Sami's stuff so strongly lately - it was either me or someone else in the Oh Deer Diner, except it was all gray looking and abandoned. While getting closer to a certain point in the diner (I've had headphones next to me playing elevator-tier music on repeat, mind you) I began to hear an intrusive frequency that sounded very much like that thing you can hear on youtube, "the sounds of Saturn", and with that noise as background I heard clear speech, in English, saying "we are still here" and "we need help" on loop. I got scared shitless and fully woke up due to excitement while mechanically saying "I want to help" like a retard.
I have no fucking clue what any of this is, but it's a whole lot more exciting than the "life" I'm "living". Would rather be some paradetective being dragged into nightmarish, wild shit than a meaningless fuckwit.
---
A space cowboy with a silent hill-esque dream he can't wake up from.
Man, how many tales exactly like that have been told? Limitless, potentially? Are they all happening simultaneously? Is this all a part of the "progression" process? Progression, as in, the very notion of being human is just a stage of progression, I suppose some would call it evolution.
What does a human progress towards/evolve into?
---
Funny you mentioned the red laser thing, for a couple months now and again I've been blasting the cat toy laser thingie into my eyes at different angles with and without multiple sunglasses on, sometimes also with a layer of cloth. You know, to test the ability to focus vision with one/both eyes on different levels of shade and whatnot.
I'm just saying that your assumption seems to be incorrect. But I did learn that one can unfocus to ridiculous levels, as in under different conditions I can see the veins (along with some inexplicably weird stuff) in my own retinae or whatever they call those. Also by focusing intensely enough one can see the diodes crystal-clearly, fucking bizarre. Also noting that my vision never really changed throughout my life, as in it seems to be average without any need for glasses (being 31 and whatnot seems to not have had any effect on vision).
Albeit there's a deviation from your example since the cat toy thing I've got also has some sort of a blue light and I turn them on simultaneously. Makes me think like "what do police sirens do to one's consciousness with the red/blue flashing"? Is this some sort of a visual "truth serum" or something that makes one more alert? Why not red/purple since the difference in wave length would be even greater, how would the effect differ? Why red/blue specifically?
---
Not sure why I didn't explain what I meant by "inexplicably weird stuff" but here's as best I can summarize it:
seems that under certain conditions and with enough focus some weird strand-looking things become apparent (look like those "floaters" in your eyes but way tinier and pushed together to form strands), and if you attempt to focus further they seem to slowly become "deconstructed" for a lack of better term. Sort of like laser-surgery and removal of unwanted shit? No idea.
If I had to assume it's some sort of blockages (perhaps in veins?) somewhere that clear themselves up under very specific conditions and with enough focus. At least that's the feeling I got.
---
Also speaking of theories, something in me seems to strongly suggest (due to past experiences) that sleep itself is a symptom of some kind. Like age. I get the intense feeling that both sleep and age are highly "unnatural", imposed things. Something that shouldn't be.
Mentioning this because I myself am falling the fuck asleep as I'm writing this. No matter how soon I disappear I'll leave the thread open and check for any further posts that might happen after I get turned back on.
I do not understand the nature of reality in the slightest, a lot of it seems hostile and I refuse to take anyone's explanations too closely, at best storing them away as different perspectives to be revised whenever the need arises. Boundless confusion.
And sometimes it feels as if I've lived through every possible hellish variation of my life and this one is as good as it gets, where everything 'bad' is avoided altogether/gets solved before it ever happens.
On the other hand I feel like my actual life can only begin with an actual apocalypse/cataclysm. Which doesn't make much sense because I'm a complete weakling both physically and mentally and wouldn't survive shit.
I simply crave actual meaning. Day in and day out I keep asking myself "why do I exist? What's the point in any of this?" and I can't come to any conclusion. At this point I'd go for being thrown into some nightmare dimension where I'm all alone and forced to try to survive by any means necessary, even if it means losing all the neet comforts. I don't want a job because I can't even think of anything to do with money and can barely stand being around people.
Nothing to do, no one to talk to, nothing to talk about, nowhere to go, nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
just
JUST
---
Actually now that I wrote that, I'm thinking I might've actually succeeded in killing myself on the 4th of July back in 2014 after taking 600ug of LSD. What if I didn't fail and actually died? Is this endless, mind-numbing mundanity my 'hell'? It does seem scarier than any nightmare I can think of. Being cyclically forced to "live" through endless meaningnlessness, losing bits of yourself with every iteration.
---
10 year Death Day anniversary coming closer and closer. No presents with this one, I presume.
---
Also, memory erasure. It is most certainly possible and in ways I'd rather stop imagining. On a simpler basis I'm thinking "psychiatric" shit is used a lot for that too along with regular pharma under the guise of medicine. It's likely not just shit like risperidone, I'm thinking it's all the pills, especially shit like "headache" pills (which is funny because technically pain isn't pain, is it now).
---
Forgot to mention that I've been through 3 asylums from 2017 to 2022 for about 6 month in total (mental hospitals? More like jewish abattoirs lmao). 1 in Vietnam and 2 here, in vodkaland.
They do not heal anything or anyone in there, those are places that exist solely to mutilate people. Anyone advocating for "mental wellness" and anything related to that garbage is a gullible fucking idiot only promoting kikeish mindfuckery.
---
I get the feeling that whatever they (they as in kikes? Idunno) peddle is designed to twist something inside of us. They will never tell anything about this to even the most esteemed "doctors", keeping absolute most of us in the dark. There is some twisting process that goes on inside of us and they amplify it with shit like alcohol and pills. The only thing that made me think to begin with and attempt to "untwist" myself mentally (same thing as physically because "mind over body"?) was weed, but only whatever I grew. I refuse to take anything aside from self-grown weed, sativa at that. Albeit I haven't had any weed in months because something seems to prevent me from growing more. I simply can't force myself to do anything lately, a feeling very reminiscent of the post-risperidone period. The pills are likely very long-lasting.
A splitzo pothead talking nonsense, just laugh at the clown and move along.
---
Still thinking about twistedness and all, so:
remember that picture with the actor in the scientology cult? Tom Cruise? With his frontal teeth being misaligned with his nose? I remember that a lot when thinking of us being twisted on the inside. There's something very fucking weird going on medicinally speaking and they seem to keep a tight lid on all this.
Somehow, something makes me think that the whole twisting/untwisting business is directly related to immortality (which is likely the normal state of being that is being taken from us on a constant basis, en masse). The very act of untwisting oneself, methinks, should reverse shit like age if I'm correct (I still have no idea but I'd rather keep all this in mind even if it turns out to be incorrect).
---
if I had to assume (and I do assume that) it also has something to do with direct manipulation. The more twisted someone is, the more manipulated they are, quite literally like puppets. Don't know by who or what (or if I'm correct on this at all) but that's the feeling I'm getting.
---
I'll boomp eet a few times in case some other splitzo for some reason needs to see this thread. And in case I have anything else to relay/remind the basilisk of.
(wanted to post pic for bump but "Uploading files from your IP range has been blocked due to abuse.")
Here's an unfinished sketch of mine from like 2020. The last asylum seems to have completely snuffed out any desire to draw I've had at some point. Simply don't give a fuck about being "creative" anymore, I'd rather murder people and be all about "destructive".
---
Akshully, out of curiosity if some other anonynoose has seen this one before and just so happens to somehow be here - my attempt to draw Pepe from back in 2016, while in Vietnam. Never finished this one either but I tried to imprint a whole lot of ideas into it.
Complete The Work? Go be an alchemist somewhere else. Or stay here I dunno lul.
---
Since I've invoked shit like art it got me thinking back to Alan Wake/Jesse Faden shit and parautilitarians being able to affect reality with art, directly correlated with 4chins memery and the likes of "memes to reality pipeline". It's the one thing I can heavily appreciate Chris Chan's retardation - his undying, absolute desire to combine fiction and reality, "da merge". If there's any real desire to be had, it has to be that one.
But then people like me would likely turn this whole thing into an Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet kind of situation. Or Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead, pick your own fun. A conundrum for the ages, potentially.
---
And since I'm talking bideogayms and Alan, then I'm thinking theoretically "the dorkness" would absolutely take over the entire world. Albeit, again, that would be more like an extreme frequency diversion (I assume that "death" isn't death but a deviation from the frequency you're on with others, which makes you seem dead do others and vice versae). Which, say, would probably make it into a nightmarish situation where to the Oldest House inhabitants the outside world would seem to go dark in its entirety, and vice versa it would seem to the rest of us that the House went entirely dark.
Man, imagine if a version of Sam Lake actually had to live through his Max Payne trauma. That's a bit too grim, but then again there's shit way grimmer going on at this very moment in many a place so I can't even
---
Just yesterday I had an extremely rare (for me) situation where I was half awake and half asleep, this is what reminded me of Sami's stuff so strongly lately - it was either me or someone else in the Oh Deer Diner, except it was all gray looking and abandoned. While getting closer to a certain point in the diner (I've had headphones next to me playing elevator-tier music on repeat, mind you) I began to hear an intrusive frequency that sounded very much like that thing you can hear on youtube, "the sounds of Saturn", and with that noise as background I heard clear speech, in English, saying "we are still here" and "we need help" on loop. I got scared shitless and fully woke up due to excitement while mechanically saying "I want to help" like a retard.
I have no fucking clue what any of this is, but it's a whole lot more exciting than the "life" I'm "living". Would rather be some paradetective being dragged into nightmarish, wild shit than a meaningless fuckwit.
---
A space cowboy with a silent hill-esque dream he can't wake up from.
Man, how many tales exactly like that have been told? Limitless, potentially? Are they all happening simultaneously? Is this all a part of the "progression" process? Progression, as in, the very notion of being human is just a stage of progression, I suppose some would call it evolution.
What does a human progress towards/evolve into?
---
Funny you mentioned the red laser thing, for a couple months now and again I've been blasting the cat toy laser thingie into my eyes at different angles with and without multiple sunglasses on, sometimes also with a layer of cloth. You know, to test the ability to focus vision with one/both eyes on different levels of shade and whatnot.
I'm just saying that your assumption seems to be incorrect. But I did learn that one can unfocus to ridiculous levels, as in under different conditions I can see the veins (along with some inexplicably weird stuff) in my own retinae or whatever they call those. Also by focusing intensely enough one can see the diodes crystal-clearly, fucking bizarre. Also noting that my vision never really changed throughout my life, as in it seems to be average without any need for glasses (being 31 and whatnot seems to not have had any effect on vision).
Albeit there's a deviation from your example since the cat toy thing I've got also has some sort of a blue light and I turn them on simultaneously. Makes me think like "what do police sirens do to one's consciousness with the red/blue flashing"? Is this some sort of a visual "truth serum" or something that makes one more alert? Why not red/purple since the difference in wave length would be even greater, how would the effect differ? Why red/blue specifically?
---
Not sure why I didn't explain what I meant by "inexplicably weird stuff" but here's as best I can summarize it:
seems that under certain conditions and with enough focus some weird strand-looking things become apparent (look like those "floaters" in your eyes but way tinier and pushed together to form strands), and if you attempt to focus further they seem to slowly become "deconstructed" for a lack of better term. Sort of like laser-surgery and removal of unwanted shit? No idea.
If I had to assume it's some sort of blockages (perhaps in veins?) somewhere that clear themselves up under very specific conditions and with enough focus. At least that's the feeling I got.
---
Also speaking of theories, something in me seems to strongly suggest (due to past experiences) that sleep itself is a symptom of some kind. Like age. I get the intense feeling that both sleep and age are highly "unnatural", imposed things. Something that shouldn't be.
Mentioning this because I myself am falling the fuck asleep as I'm writing this. No matter how soon I disappear I'll leave the thread open and check for any further posts that might happen after I get turned back on.
I do not understand the nature of reality in the slightest, a lot of it seems hostile and I refuse to take anyone's explanations too closely, at best storing them away as different perspectives to be revised whenever the need arises. Boundless confusion.
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