Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes - What to change and how to do it

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

'Tis the season of reflection on the past and conception of the future. Whether you're geared up for the new year with a fresh calendar and three laminated pages of bullet-pointed resolutions you've been crafting for months, or January 1 is just another day but you thought on a whim, hmm, maybe I'd like to yawn more, we all sometimes get restless and want to shake it up.

Some people simply decide to do things differently and just do. Others struggle with a monkey on their backs for a lifetime.

Large, small, critical, trivial: this thread is to seek or offer ideas about change - what you want to change, what you're planning to change, ideas for change, how to think about change, how you feel about change, and maybe seeing what has worked (or not) for others. Maybe even a place to keep yourself accountable to yourself.

I'll start with something very relevant at this literal minute.

I've recent been improving my sleep - schedule, amount, restfulness. Honestly, the change was driven by work-related requirements that I realized I would not meet if I didn't change my habits. My weekdays are mostly sorted out, BUT on the weekends, though I'm keeping to "later than weekday but still reasonable" bedtimes - and usually getting up fairly to very early as well, I still do not get productive until at least noon - and sometimes not until 2 or 3. Even if I've planned the day ahead of time. This means I either have few hours in a day to do things, or I'm up too late again because I'm defiant like that.

So - any ideas on how to get up and get ACTIVE on weekend mornings? Intellectually - sure, stop being stupid and just do it. But it seems I don't bully myself as well as work does. So I'm thinking of ways to set myself up for greatness moderate success.

Initial thoughts:

• Go for a walk first thing. In my head I know this would be the absolute best thing. I also know that I will rebel very fucking hard. Especially but tbh not only when it's below zero like now. So maybe this is exactly why I need to make it a #1 priority.
• Plan/ lay out my clothes for the weekend just like I've started to do for the work week - which has made getting up and going on workdays 1000 times better.
• Make iron-clad commitments in the mornings. This is a potential disaster.

Any early birds got some advice?

 

[Dagoth AMOGUS]

Make iron-clad commitments in the mornings. This is a potential disaster.

Write them down. It is easier to remember something when you manually wrote it down on paper.

 

[Otterly]

Any early birds got some advice?

You can borrow my kids and you’ll be up by five every fucking day.
Great idea for a thread - I think a lot of us have things we want to change and it’s very hard to actually DO it.
For getting up earlier I’d make small incremental changes - fifteen mins earlier per weekend until you’re at the time you want, maybe? If you’re trying to get up hours before normal you’re going to be tired. Just a bit at a time. And also don’t sweat it if you do need a lie in - we all work hard and a bit if extra sleep at a weekend can be beneficial. And out your alarm clock where you can’t reach it from bed.

 

[The Last Stand]

I need to cook and exercise more. And continue to be organized. Granted, I've come a long way from my childhood but incremental improvements in my life would be welcome. My sleep schedule is messed up because I work late.

 

[Otterly]

I need to cook and exercise more. And continue to be organized. Granted, I've come a long way from my childhood but incremental improvements in my life would be welcome. My sleep schedule is messed up because I work late.

Honestly tiny tiny steps consistently is the best way for most stuff.
For cooking do some prep - make a massive lasagne or something, portion it out and freeze. Ditto stuff like soups - make more if it and freeze portions then on the days you can’t be arsed you have home cooked food.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Write them down. It is easier to remember something when you manually wrote it down on paper.

Thanks! I meant a disaster because I have an unfortunate habit of ignoring avoiding things I've committed to, rather than forgetting. I'm getting better about it*, but I can be an absolute mule about things. Once I'm cornered or I've finally fully rejected my own excuses, I'm all-in, but until then, I resist. It's a battle of my will vs. my will, and I'm annoying myself!

*good, because it's lame, disrespectful, and ultimately disappointing.

You can borrow my kids and you’ll be up by five every fucking day.

Been there! Mine are older now/ in college, but those years of younger kids were very hard at times. Especially when also working, as I know you do (and in my case, in denial about how much I could reasonably handle well; I was also solo-parenting it so always felt I wasn't doing or being or providing enough, even when I was worn to the bone, but that feeling isn't limited to solos*) - so hang in there.

* I'm way off my own thread topic here, but I know you've mentioned burnout in somewhat recent months. I know what that is like, and it's real and can be awful, even devastating.

For getting up earlier I’d make small incremental changes - fifteen mins earlier per weekend until you’re at the time you want, maybe? If you’re trying to get up hours before normal you’re going to be tired. Just a bit at a time. And also don’t sweat it if you do need a lie in - we all work hard and a bit if extra sleep at a weekend can be beneficial. And out your alarm clock where you can’t reach it from bed.

My better bedtimes mean that I am usually awake at a decent time on weekends, even weekday hours sometimes - I just futz around once up instead of getting going on useful (or fun/ desirable) things. Part of me feels childishly "entitled" to it - but the reality is, no one is saying any different, so I'm kind of rebelling against nothing but my own interests. I get up, get dressed (though usually cozy home dressed, not go places dressed - maybe that's something to alter), get my coffee milk with some coffee, then instead of doing something useful or on my list, I settle right down in a cozy place and while away the hours. Sometimes I'll make a point to put stuff I need to get organized and plan the day right by me, but then I just kind of ignore it staring at me until the "oh no the day is passing" angst finally kicks me into action.

Sometimes I think it would be great to pay someone who won't take no for an answer to show up at 6 or 7 am on the weekend and force me to go outside and then go do things elsewhere, thereby getting the day in motion. Not a possibility, so Plan B is me figuring out how to stop making excuses and just getting on with it even though no one is making me. It's a battle of my will vs my will, so maybe I need to figure out how to create "no other option" scenarios for myself. If I respond to "no choice" scenarios by adapting and thriving, how do I create that when it's only me accountable to me? Lol, you'd think pride would be enough of a motivator, but apparently I need fear of consequences.

 

[Dagoth AMOGUS]

Thanks! I meant a disaster because I have an unfortunate habit of ignoring avoiding things I've committed to, rather than forgetting. I'm getting better about it*, but I can be an absolute mule about things. Once I'm cornered or I've finally fully rejected my own excuses, I'm all-in, but until then, I resist. It's a battle of my will vs. my will, and I'm annoying myself!

Try a big corkboard calendar in your bed room that you can’t miss. Even bully yourself and write in red ink, “EXCUSE YOU STALKER CHILD DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING? :FATPAT: “

 

[Otterly]

just futz around once up instead of getting going on useful (or fun/ desirable) things

So I read one of ranulph fiennes’ books (explorer.) he says he’s similar and lazes rather than train for the extreme stuff, so he stands up and puts his shoes on, and that forces him up and out. I suppose it’s creating a small, easily done physical cue that leads to the action you want rather than starting the action directly? You could get everything ready the night before then set an alarm and I so t know, stand up and put your jacket on, or pick your keys up, or something like that. It’s an odd thing but I’ve tried it and found it works. Just pick the smallest ‘first mover’
I find that when I do have free time I’m so tired that I just futz around as well. I have done today, got bugger all done bar some laundry
I don’t know how solo parents do it. Mr o is away a lot with work and that’s hard enough.

 

[Agamemnon Busmalis]

I get up, get dressed (though usually cozy home dressed, not go places dressed - maybe that's something to alter)

I always get dressed for going out when I get up, just don't like wearing pajama pants and stuff like that other than when sleeping.

One upside is it gets rid of one barrier to doing things - having to go and get changed again before heading out. You're ready to go at any time. Seems like I'm more energetic if I get fully dressed too. Plus it removes the temptation to just go back to bed...

get my coffee milk with some coffee, then instead of doing something useful or on my list, I settle right down in a cozy place and while away the hours. Sometimes I'll make a point to put stuff I need to get organized and plan the day right by me, but then I just kind of ignore it staring at me until the "oh no the day is passing" angst finally kicks me into action.

Maybe you can use that to your advantage - focus on Saturday to get everything you need to done and then reward yourself with Sunday as a day of relaxation and free time to do what you want. You can spend that however you want since you've done everything needed already. It's also good to have that free time in case something unexpected comes up.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Try a big corkboard calendar in your bed room that you can’t miss. Even bully yourself and write in red ink, “EXCUSE YOU STALKER CHILD DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING? :FATPAT: “

This is actually a good idea. I have resorted to neon post-its on my headboard before, and though I did not insult myself on them , they worked fairly well when paired with motivation.

I always get dressed for going out when I get up, just don't like wearing pajama pants and stuff like that other than when sleeping.

I do change out of pj's for that exact reason, but I think stepping it up a notch would be good. Not necessarily "work suit," but maybe an actual outfit rather than whatever jeans/thermal leggings and cozy sweater is nearest, because nearest doesn't always mean "fit to leave the house in this."

I suppose it’s creating a small, easily done physical cue that leads to the action you want rather than starting the action directly? You could get everything ready the night before then set an alarm and I so t know, stand up and put your jacket on, or pick your keys up, or something like that. It’s an odd thing but I’ve tried it and found it works. Just pick the smallest ‘first mover’

Yes, agree, I think that those cues are key, and with work, I've found that planning what I'm going to wear for the week and putting the outfits together* (right down to jewelry, and shoes placed on the floor below the outfit) has reduced my workday morning stress 1000x - no searching in a frenzy for the exact black top I need among 50 black tops I have but that has disappeared somehow, or realizing x pants don't work like I thought they would and then tearing the place apart for a different pair. I think I'll start putting my jacket/ outdoor wear, keys, etc. in my bedroom on weekend nights so morning is not "go get coffee then figure it out...oh, no, can't find my extra warm gloves, why aren't they in the gloves basket, why why why do I misplace things...OK, let me chill awhile before I try to find them."

* I confess, I also hang tags on them labeled for which day, based on work needs. Kind of OTT, but it removes debating time from the morning.

I appreciate all of the ideas and reinforcement! I think I'm so used to being either all the way ON or all the way OFF that I'm struggling bringing discipline to "no gun to your head but do way better" areas. I'm going to work these suggestions. Thank you!

...so who has new year resolutions in the pipeline? I used to overengineer it, then for awhile stopped altogether, but I kind of like planning for a new year, whether new initiatives or continuing existing ones.

In recent years I have chunked out life into "pillar" areas, set goals in each, and held myself accountable for active engagement, charting out which starts when (don't try 10 efforts at once), doing monthly-ish check-ins and documenting progress (and making myself face areas where there is no progress). I do not goals without plans to achieve them (it's not a wishlist; it's an action plan), and I revise and adapt things as I go. Basically treating them like a work project.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

OK, so thank you, @Agamemnon Busmalis , @Dagoth AMOGUS, and @Otterly! Your suggestions yesterday spurred my motivation, and I put some of it work:

• Spoiler: Morning

  • Was in bed by 1230 to improve my chances of a productive morning.
  • Spent some time before sleep mentally reminding myself of things I wanted to get done today and the steps and time needed to do them. I also briefly imagined how great it would be to get certain things done by x time and not hanging over my head all day - or possibly putting them off.
  • Woke up early and instead of lolling and scrolling in bed for 2 hours avoiding the unpleasant morning chill, I got up.
  • Put on clothes suited for a variety of things today.
  • Put on shoes. Not slippers, not clogs; my trailwalkers (my winter alternative to tennies/ trainers). KEY.*
  • Made my coffee.
  • Did head to the comfy sofa, but with a plan: opened up my work laptop and got to work. Worked 2 hours and taking a short break before picking it back up.

  [*]
  *there's an old website about housecleaning by a woman who apparently does nothing but (now appears mostly moved to an app). Her routines are kind of insane, but the very first thing on all her lists for the morning is put on your shoes. (Second, if you want to know, is shine your sink.)
  
  All that detail is irrelevant except I'm trying to illustrate why this effort to change my weekend morning habits really is a worthy one - without my setting myself up to fail, and with a conscious decision to keep my head in the game**, my brain apparently can strategize and execute even before noon on Saturday/ Sunday. And the payoffs include
  

  • stuff gets done;
  • I confirm and experience that my constant self-added stress and guilt is not in fact an inevitability;
  • I realize I don't have to wait until the pressure is crushing in order to perform; and
  • I increase my effectiveness and true confidence, and my mind is at greater ease.

  [*]
  No, one day of getting up and doing stuff hasn't solidified that - and I could very easily fall right off the rails right now - it's frankly minorly tempting to rebel or say "OK, that was fun - experiment over," despite all the benefits I've just outlined. I'm not sure what creates that urge in me to do that, but I don't think it's that deep, so CBT'ing myself by just sticking to these kinds of actions is the most fruitful way forward.

Larger points about change:

• Understand your needs and motivations - the real, on-the-ground "why"; pointless aspiration isn't that sticky.
• You have better hopes of making desired change to stubborn or destructive habits if you come from a position of strength:
  • grounded enthusiasm;
  • motivation;
  • "shut up, doubt and fear";
  • but also: stop bitching and whining about the discomfort.
• Rather than weakness:
  • desperation;
  • worry;
  • disempowerment;
  • self-criticism taken to heart to the point of demoralization (though a good, open, and direct butt-kicking now and then is not a bad thing - so long as you can take it; if not, maybe hold that down until you have a little confidence).
• Keep consciously in touch both with the goal and the actions you believe will help get there. I think that's where visible reminders you can't avoid seeing can help.

**Lol:

(this is nostalgic for me bc my kids are of an age that I watched this movie approximately 57 million times when they were tweens) (tightly choreographed dancing with basketballs is always funny)

 

[Otterly]

That’s great! Did the shoe thing work? I’m so pleased you got something out of it.

There is a change I’d like to make but I’m not sure it’s possible without making other people’s lives worse, and so I’m probably not going to do it. Anyone negotiated nothing like that and managed to survive?

 

[Agamemnon Busmalis]

I confirm and experience that my constant self-added stress and guilt is not in fact an inevitability;

This is a big one, if you let things pile up they look a lot more overwhelming than they actually are. Keeping a list helps too, when I feel stressed or anxious about what I need to do, especially at night, I just put a reminder on my phone to take care of it tomorrow morning.

Speaking of my advice before about unexpected circumstances, this exact thing happened today. I slept like absolute dogshit last night, maybe 1-2 hours of sleep tops (not sure why) and was totally exhausted this morning. Finally gave up around 5am and just rolled with it. But guess what? There was nothing to do because it was all taken care of on Saturday.

So I took a nice nap from around 9-11am and was ready to go again.