Lovequest Chris and the Hooker

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She was "fixed". You know, like a dog.

That really bothered me too, in addition to the disturbing bit about his "strong-handed massage" that others have mentioned. Not sure if the "fixed" portion is Chris' sexism at work (a stretch), his general egotism (maybe?), or :stupid: (most likely).

Chris said:
we make out (no tongues) with pecking & open-mouth

what's the point of an "open-mouth" kiss if there's no tongue

Tards Fartington said:
I requested Cowgirl, with possible missionary later

Pretty sure those are the only two positions Chris knows. The look on the hooker's face if he requested "Missionary Cowgirl" would've been priceless.

Great Director Chandler said:
Then we conversed the rest of the $150 hour;

Man, that could've gone towards a Lego Emporium set.
 
Most everything horrifying here has already been pointed out, but: geez, Chris called the hooker back right after she finished with her next customer's hour. I'm surprised she even took the call.

Also: what's the deal with that whole setup he had to go through? Did he just go to the motel district of R-Ville and call every hooker-in-residence till he got an answer?

EDIT: also, let us all be advised that Chris has saved a copy of this tale to disk for later.... use.
 
Eh, I think a lot of it is realistic from Chris' perspective. I'm sure hookers puff up their client's ego by moaning and telling the client how impressive they are.

Chris is just enough of a sucker to fall for it.

Oh, I'm sure she fed him a line of bullshit. That comes (pardon the pun) as part of the job description.
What I'm curious how much of a comedy routine it actually was. I know it couldn't have possibly gone as smoothly as he portrays it.
I'm not even convinced he reached orgasm; because if he actually "got off" he might have less incentive to give into his gender-swapping urges and have more of a libido. It must've been as "meh" for Christortoise as it was <strike>horrifying</strike> "meh" for Mia.
 
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I'm surprised she didn't make him take a shower. Maybe he took one? I don't know. I'm still reeling that he sent this to someone he's barely known a month. I wouldn't send this kind of information to my best friend. Fuck, I wouldn't send this to my girlfriend.

"I found her clit, yet she was very clear about me keeping my fingers Outside"

This, personally, is the highlight of the whole scene for me. Poor Mia is willing to mount Chris, but his dirty fingers are where she draws the line. It really puts in perspective how adverse the non-existent lesbian sweetheart would be towards being fingered by OPL.

I'm given to understand most hookers won't let you finger them. I have no first hand experience (so to speak) but it makes sense, since you don't want something inside of you when you don't know where it's been and can't put a condom on it.

What a worry-wart.

Wasn't his visit to the hooker right around the time of his trial? If it was, that might be why he decided to do it then; Worried he'd go to jail a virgin.
 
I wonder what would happen if Barb would read this...

I shudder to imagine what the 'massage' entailed also, it's just the most weird thing imaginable.
 
He forgot condoms, but he brought his own dick-washing towels. I don't know anything about hooker etiquette, but this seems a bit off.

Whoever you were, Mia, thanks for taking one for the team lulz.

For in calls the girls generally provide condoms and showering facilities. A Heroin addict I know has a profile on Adult Work. A girl we both scored from told me she delivered some Smack to her and as she was leaving her john showed up and he was a hideous old man. It's not a great life for any of those girls.

I wonder what when through her head when Chris's number showed up on her phone an hour later?
 
Oh, I'm sure she fed him a line of bullshit. That comes (pardon the pun) as part of the job description.
What I'm curious how much of a comedy routine it actually was. I know it couldn't have possibly gone as smoothly as he portrays it.
I'm not even convinced he reached orgasm; because if he actually "got off" he might have less incentive to give into his gender-swapping urges and have more of a libido. It must've been as "meh" for Christortoise as it was <strikethrough>horrifying</strikethrough> "meh" for Mia.
Well, I'm sure he was very physically awkward and jiggly and tripping over himself, as he is wont to do. But Chris is too dumb to notice his awkwardness. It's why he was so aggressive with Catie. He's not aware of how awkward and embarrassing he is.

As far as the actual sex goes, I would imagine she'd do her best to get him off ASAP. Chris isn't doing the tomgirl shit because he's not satisfied with sex, but because he hates men.
I'm given to understand most hookers won't let you finger them. I have no first hand experience (so to speak) but it makes sense, since you don't want something inside of you when you don't know where it's been and can't put a condom on it.
Yeah, a stranger fingering a sex worker sounds really, really gross.
Wasn't his visit to the hooker right around the time of his trial? If it was, that might be why he decided to do it then; Worried he'd go to jail a virgin.
Chris said that if he was sentenced to jail, he'd commit suicide via starvation. He hired Mia Hamm because he didn't want to die a virgin.
 
In an effort to momentarily ignore some of the more horrifying and facepalm-inducing parts of this story, it strikes me that he appears to have spent a significant portion of his time just talking with the escort instead of spending the entire time having sex. I'm sure some degree of that could be a result of his surprisingly low sex drive (or so many have suggested), and now that he had his trophy, there was no need to go again -- but I also wonder if he just really is so desperate for people to talk to beyond Barb that he'd happily pay $150 for a conversation with a pretty girl.
Very reminiscent of Punch-Drunk Love, just with a sex phone line operator instead of a hooker. Still depressing as fuck. :(

In case anyone wanted a text version of the story, here it is:
The Lunar has Finally Launched
Christian Weston Chandler to

Well,
I am No Longer a Virgin! :)

I will tell Only You the story; I want you to keep it Most Strictly Confidential between just you and me; although if and when I finally do get a girlfriend who stays with me for a long while, I will inform her about it as well. I will be deleting this e-mail from my side of the mailbox, after copying/pasting the text onto a notepad file backed up on a memory card.

I arrive at the predetermined destination of the intersection of 29 and 250; therein lies over four hotels, including the nearby English Inn. I stay assumed with the Days Inn. I try again with Riley, And I shot for Kristy; Riley did not answer at all. Kristen stated, "I am very busy now". So, in my cell contacts, out of the ones you have provided for me from the backpage, I call up the one I had assumed as a long shot, because of the enclosed image of a company logo on her page, the one called Mia "Hamm" (Hamm is not her real last name, and IMHO, it does not do her justice; she deserves a better name than that). She Answers. I introduced myself; told her I found her on backpage; she sounded mature in her voice; down to earth. I was in the Days Inn parking lot; she confirmed she was in 338. I arrive at her door and knocked three times. It's about 4:30 PM. She opens and invites me in; unexpectantly, but not surprising, I was also greeted with the smell of aged smoke; she had done the weed. I complained a little, and I sniff up a small handful of hand sanitizer; it quelled it down for me. Mia was very nice, likeable and down to earth; and she was 24. I forgot to mention, she greeted me in a black lace negligee. She had an average figure; her breasts were a C; she had a lip ring bauble, tongue ring bauble, and ring baubles in each of her fine nipples.

We casually strip for each other; we communicated good throughout. She was fixed, but she insisted I be protected as well. She offers me a green, apple-flavored condom; I lie on the bed naked; she was naked; she had the condom in the edge of her lips. She mouths it onto my most erect penis, and she gives me a very good B.J. Her tongue bauble was a very delightful and stimulating bonus onto my hard one. As she blows me, I place my hands on her shoulders. After she was done, she laid beside me; her pussy was wet; we handled each other. Her vaginal opening felt really good, and I found her clit, yet she was very clear about me keeping my fingers Outside; I respected her request. Then we roll into each other; we make out (no tongues) with peckings and open-mouth. We touched each other; her skin was very smooth; my 5:00 made my chin a bit rough. Her long, black hair was silky, smooth and shiny; her blue eyes smiled at me, and so did she. I gave her a sample of my strong-handed massage that my mother enjoyed in the past. Mia really liked that.

Then, I felt and informed her that I was ready to go in. I requested Cowgirl, with possible missionary later, but that did not happen. Her pelvic thrusts were amazing; her pussy was tight, even after pushing two daughters out of there years ago. And I supported her thrusts with my hands on her knees, weaving back and forth. I also gave her breasts a good thrusting. I felt her front pelvic bone, which really made the top of the game. She came and I came, but on my coming, it was only half-felt. And the semen that was mostly inside, but a smidge on the outside of the condom, confirmed it.

Then I washed my dick with a washcloth I brought with me, and dried it off with a towel I also brought. I was really satisfied. Then we conversed the rest of the $150 hour; it was very pleasant. She is a mother of two; they're staying with her mama; papa bear ditched Mia; it is very sad. She goes from town to town, and she is getting education for a better future along the way. Her individual escort service is a quick spot of cash for her. God bless her and her family. I also told her a bit of myself here and there, including the trolls/cyber-bullies. Mia is also Half-Cherokee, so that was an unexpected good bonus. I told her a few funny bits; informed her of what I knew of the weed from Family Guy and that one episode of South Park, "Medicinal Fried Chicken". We had a few good laughs.

Then her clock chimes, alerting her that her next appointment was arriving, so we hugged another time, and I got out of her hair. I promised I would call her later. I did, about 6:30; she had already finished with the next fellow; he was a disappointment to her; his was smaller than mine; a "weiner in a hallway" situation. She really enjoyed my dick, and my personality. I pray the best blessings for her and her daughters. Plus, I may well likely see her again another month, when she's in town, and if I'm not in jail.

The whole thing felt natural to me the further it went; I was also surprised that I did not have a premature ejaculation. It was awesome, pleasant and soo good. Worth it.

Only you, until my girlfriend comes around, knows the story. But as for everyone else, all they will get to read from me is, "I am not a virgin anymore."

TTYL, and Stay Safe,
Christian Weston Chandler.
April 4, 2012

Sidenote:
Right before, on the radio station, Z-95.1, Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" played. And right after leaving, Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) played. Soo Appropriate, AND the BEST Combination for the occassion. :)
 
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