Chris' funniest one-liner

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My all time favorite one-liner needs a bit of a set up:

The autism awareness video where he he is wearing a sports bra, doesn't acknowledge it and goes into an 8 minute, bland, dry, scripted reading about autism from Wikipedia or something. Then he goes off script and addresses the very thing anyone watching is wondering about - why is Chris wearing a bra? This is the biggest set up to the classic line:

C'mon dudes, get with the program - nobody want to see these nips!

It's perfect because you have to wait sooo fucking long and get sooo bored that when he delivers it, it's like a punch to the brain. This is years before Tim and Eric.

Side note: Whenever the topic "what exactly is autism?" comes up with friends or co-workers, I direct them to this video. They get the clinical, factual description, followed by an intense, real life example.

Man I miss his videos.
 
Ja'mie said:
Denim vests are for moms.

OT: '"I do not speek to any Man other than myself, because they have taken all the pretty girls leaving me with none.'...I nearly backed up onto him with my car, and I gave him another finger. Then I dashed off."
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Your finger reference reminded me of this cringe-worthy quote (another one from the "For J-R's Eyes Only" video).

I got a few ideas like you know, we definitely [lifts hand into frame, fidgets] give you some finger play. Lots of fingers.
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:'(
 
"Uh, it just feels so good, unngghh, and because me being a virgin, I would let you keep your mouth over my penis and then sooner than expected, I feel my comeuppance and I come into your mouth, my semen is inside your mouth and you'd swallow every drop. I would have eaten so much chocolate, that day beforehand, and it would taste so yummy to you, probably like white chocolate. You'd swallow that."
 
ChinIsDead said:
"Uh, it just feels so good, unngghh, and because me being a virgin, I would let you keep your mouth over my penis and then sooner than expected, I feel my comeuppance and I come into your mouth, my semen is inside your mouth and you'd swallow every drop. I would have eaten so much chocolate, that day beforehand, and it would taste so yummy to you, probably like white chocolate. You'd swallow that."
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I love how Chris's idea of improving his sex game is eating candy.
 
Not exactly my favorite, but I have a special place for "Hmm... probably because they couldn't stand you?" For being likely the only documented time when he's seriously pwned someone else.
 
ChinIsDead said:
"Uh, it just feels so good, unngghh, and because me being a virgin, I would let you keep your mouth over my penis and then sooner than expected, I feel my comeuppance and I come into your mouth, my semen is inside your mouth and you'd swallow every drop. I would have eaten so much chocolate, that day beforehand, and it would taste so yummy to you, probably like white chocolate. You'd swallow that."
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This is at least the second or third reference I've seen Chris make to premature ejaculation, and it's uncanny that this, of all topics, is the area where he shows uncharacteristic self-awareness.
 
One that always stuck with me is pretty much the entire "Secret Weapon" video, ranging from the whole mister Sin Dinero line all the way to the Tickle me Elmo laugh.
 
"Because that's what you deserve, you Goddamn womanizing, raping...trollin' stupid, pickle-suited NIGGER!"
 
I think it was when he owned Jack Thaddeus by responding with "probably 'cause they couldn't stand you" when asked if he knew why Thaddeus' parents kicked him out of the house at 18 (or however old). That same conversation, Chris caught Thaddeus off-guard by actually thinking logically for once and questioning something Thaddeus said, causing him to stammer and trip over his words a bit. As rare as it is, I love it when Chris actually manages to one-up a troll. It's enjoyable, kinda like those Tom & Jerry cartoons where Tom came out on top in the end. It's nice to see a change.
 
Getting back to the "wet-wild" times Chris talked about when he proposed that his high school add an indoor swimming pool...I have a theory about that.

I really don't think Chris had the students and teachers in the pool getting a little too handsy with one another in mind. Instead, I think Chris just imagined a scenario where, upon the pool's opening, there would be a large crowd of students and teachers present, and some of them would start taking fully clothed jumps into the pool after the ribbon was cut or however else the school would decree the pool "open".

I mean, Chris has probably seen enough junk television through his life where one of the main characters on a show gets dunked (or voluntarily jumps) into a body of water while fully clothed that he thinks any kind of situation where that happens is now "wild". He probably didn't mean any kind of sexual connotation by "wet-wild time".
 
Muncie Anderson said:
Getting back to the "wet-wild" times Chris talked about when he proposed that his high school add an indoor swimming pool...I have a theory about that.

I really don't think Chris had the students and teachers in the pool getting a little too handsy with one another in mind. Instead, I think Chris just imagined a scenario where, upon the pool's opening, there would be a large crowd of students and teachers present, and some of them would start taking fully clothed jumps into the pool after the ribbon was cut or however else the school would decree the pool "open".

I mean, Chris has probably seen enough junk television through his life where one of the main characters on a show gets dunked (or voluntarily jumps) into a body of water while fully clothed that he thinks any kind of situation where that happens is now "wild". He probably didn't mean any kind of sexual connotation by "wet-wild time".
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But it's funnier to imagine so.
 
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