Chris's resume

[Marvin]

he is basically unemployable though through the new ways companies hire people. the first two things hr people do these days is google the prospective employee (IGNORE ALL GOOGLE RESULTS) and check the social media sites (sure a comapny will hire a guy making batshit crazy public facebook posts)

I thought using Facebook to get info on prospective employees was illegal.

In the United States?

It's illegal in Maryland, but I don't know about elsewhere. Apparently Maryland was the first state to pass a law about that and we did it about a year ago.

 

[CatParty]

he is basically unemployable though through the new ways companies hire people. the first two things hr people do these days is google the prospective employee (IGNORE ALL GOOGLE RESULTS) and check the social media sites (sure a comapny will hire a guy making batshit crazy public facebook posts)

I thought using Facebook to get info on prospective employees was illegal.

In the United States?

It's illegal in Maryland, but I don't know about elsewhere. Apparently Maryland was the first state to pass a law about that and we did it about a year ago.

yeah, it's pretty much only password access

http://news.cnet.com/8301-1023_3-575617 ... -facebook/

 

[Marvin]

I thought using Facebook to get info on prospective employees was illegal.

In the United States?

It's illegal in Maryland, but I don't know about elsewhere. Apparently Maryland was the first state to pass a law about that and we did it about a year ago.

yeah, it's pretty much only password access

http://news.cnet.com/8301-1023_3-575617 ... -facebook/

Ah. Damn, I'm amazed that employers had the gall to ask for someone's fucking password in the first place.

 

[drmccoy]

I thought using Facebook to get info on prospective employees was illegal.

In the United States?

It's illegal in Maryland, but I don't know about elsewhere. Apparently Maryland was the first state to pass a law about that and we did it about a year ago.

yeah, it's pretty much only password access

http://news.cnet.com/8301-1023_3-575617 ... -facebook/

Ah. Damn, I'm amazed that employers had the gall to ask for someone's fucking password in the first place.[/quote]

Many believe that in a tight job market they have the right to your everything, including passwords. While I think shit like that is the exception to the rule, it still illustrates why many bosses are tremendous douche-bags who want total control of your life for $45k/year.

 

[BillRiley]

I never noticed this - maybe it's insignificant - but Chris-C­han's childish printing looks like his typewriting.

The all-caps shouting, the weird capitalizations, all that's missing are a few emoticons. I know Chris took mainly special-ed classes, but didn't any of them include handwriting or composition or whatever it's currently called?

(Edit: Also, what's up with the corners? It looks like it was mounted in a photo album.)

 

[mendoza]

I thought using Facebook to get info on prospective employees was illegal.

In the United States?

It's illegal in Maryland, but I don't know about elsewhere. Apparently Maryland was the first state to pass a law about that and we did it about a year ago.

yeah, it's pretty much only password access

http://news.cnet.com/8301-1023_3-575617 ... -facebook/

Ah. Damn, I'm amazed that employers had the gall to ask for someone's fucking password in the first place.

Many believe that in a tight job market they have the right to your everything, including passwords. While I think shit like that is the exception to the rule, it still illustrates why many bosses are tremendous douche-bags who want total control of your life for $45k/year.

I never run into it. And thankfully that law passed before I did.

But if it hadn't, next time I was in the job market I was going to create a fake facebook profile with the password fuckyouiwouldntworkhereifmylifedependedonit, which if they asked for my password I would spell out to them a letter at a time.

However, back to the topic at hand. How the hell did he even get hired at Wendy's with this?

 

[bradsternum]

Obviously, his resume is bad because he lacks experience, and, due to autism, has no filter for irrelevant information. I've also noticed that people with planet-sized egos have a problem with writing resumes. I had one friend who detailed every last thing she did, from age thirteen until twenty-five, most of which was irrelevant to the position she was applying for. I tried to get her to edit it, but she refused because she wanted people to know she was an organist at age thirteen. She remains unemployed.

 

[Shadow Fox]

What was he even writing this for? Was it like a college workshop or something? If so, wouldn't someone have told him that this is not how to write a goddamned resume?

 

[Alec Benson Leary]

Didn't one time he was bitching to someone that he hate doing computer job applications, or refused to do one because it was on the computer? I think it was a Walmart application.

Because he's not able to draw Sonichu on an online application.

 

[CatParty]

Didn't one time he was bitching to someone that he hate doing computer job applications, or refused to do one because it was on the computer? I think it was a Walmart application.

Because he's not able to draw Sonichu on an online application.

on a computer, it would be blocky and low resolution

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Didn't one time he was bitching to someone that he hate doing computer job applications, or refused to do one because it was on the computer? I think it was a Walmart application.

Because he's not able to draw Sonichu on an online application.

God I hope this is a legit reason.

 

[Tubular Monkey]

she was an organist at age thirteen.

 

[MysticMisty]

Should anyone be surprised Sonichu and Rosechu are on his resume? Chris drew a crying Sonichu on the form to euthanize Patti after all. I think it can be guaranteed that, if Chris has to sign it, he'll do his best to draw Sonichu on it.

 

[Shadow Fox]

I bet he had to sign a lot of paperwork for his trial and stuff, right? I wonder how many angry Sonichus he drew then.

 

[calicojack]

I bet he had to sign a lot of paperwork for his trial and stuff, right? I wonder how many angry Sonichus he drew then.

We need those documents...for educational reasons of course..

 

[mendoza]

I bet he had to sign a lot of paperwork for his trial and stuff, right? I wonder how many angry Sonichus he drew then.

We need those documents...for educational reasons of course..

They are a matter of Christorical record.

And they should be easy enough to get. Court docs are a matter of public record, are they not?

 

[BALLZ-BROKEN]

I never noticed this - maybe it's insignificant - but Chris-C­han's childish printing looks like his typewriting.

The all-caps shouting, the weird capitalizations, all that's missing are a few emoticons. I know Chris took mainly special-ed classes, but didn't any of them include handwriting or composition or whatever it's currently called?

(Edit: Also, what's up with the corners? It looks like it was mounted in a photo album.)

All that paper needs is a big grease stain to make it TRUE and HONEST.

And I like how he added a caret between "Primary School" and "Crush". When he was scribbling that, he read it and thought "Oh no, I need to make sure they don't think I'm a HOWMOW"

 

[Trombonista]

I just love all the crossed-out parts. Has it ever occurred to Chris that he can start over when he makes mistakes?

 

[Fuzzy Wuzzy]

I just love all the crossed-out parts. Has it ever occurred to Chris that he can start over when he makes mistakes?

He's super lazy! What do you expect?

 

[JULAY]

Yeah, the market is such that employers can have their choice of who they want to hire.

His resume is a joke. Like a lot of things in Chris's life, his resume is a good example of how not to write a resume.

I'm not even sure why he even wrote a resume, because he doesn't want a job. It may have been something his college made him do.

I want to know what JULAY thinks of his resume. He's in HR.

Why yes, yes I am in HR. Sorry that I'm late to the party, but I just got done with dinner, after *gasp* looking at resumes all day!

So, with apologies for potentially covering ground that has been covered on the rest of the thread, which I haven't yet read, let's go through Chris's resume point by point, and just assume that it came across my desk after somehow making it through our screening software, the first set of eyes which belongs to the recruitment specialist, and the other members of my selection team. Furthermore, let's assume that instead of a chemical company, I work for a publishing house that is looking for an illustrator, colorizer, writer or the like for a comic series. Finally, let's assume that I take the time to go through the entire thing (which I, or any other HR professional wouldn't). So Chris has applied for a job with my company, and this is what I see:

Contact Info

"Christopher" Christian Weston Chandler
14 Branchland Ct., Ruckersville, VA 22968-9545
Home: 434-990-0198 Cell: 434-760-0848
Cwcipedia/CWC’s Sonichu and Rosechu Site!
http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Main_Page

OK, seems kind of weird to have a heading titled "Contact Info" since it's fairly obvious that's what it is. Also, I really don't need the extra four digits on your zip code... Cwcipedia/CWC's Sonichu and Rosechu Site? Must be a link to his portfolio or something...

Objectives

I wish to make my Sonichu and Rosechu franchise Official, with getting me paper published at Archie, Marvel, DC or Dark Horse Comics, with continuing work as Comic Book Artist and Story Creator/Editor, good pay, eventual Official Sonichu and Rosechu Merchandise that I, personally, can officially sign-off on and further enforce my nine-year-old copyright with a more peaceful future. (See attached pages for more info).

Any good resume should contain a statement of objectives... He wishes to make his franchise official? With a capital "O"? OK, he names a few industry firms... And he wants to be the lead artist and writer? And he's looking down the road toward merchandising, subject to his approval? He's getting way ahead of himself here... Does he realize that this is an at-will position working for an *established* franchise? More peaceful future? What the fuck does that mean? Is this guy going to present a threat of violence in the workplace?

Experience

Date of Employment: March 17, 2000 – Current
(Self) C.W.C. Comics
Ruckersville, VA

Job Title

Primary Duties: Drawing, writing, coloring and story-telling the continuing adventures of Sonichu, Rosechu and myself from life, creating from scratch and setting up the first original Sonichu Site, CWC’s Sonichu Site, as well as its sibling sites.
Functional Skills: Great hand-drawing skills, story-telling and editing, building design from Computer Aided Drafting and Design (CADD), quick touch-typing skills, great Photoshop experiences, good HTML skills.
Transferable Skills: All of the above.

OK, self-employed for how long? Usually a red flag. Wait, I thought that this guy wanted to get his franchise "paper published"? So he's listing a fucking hobby as work experience? Oy... So he writes some comic he dreamed up and puts it on the web. And this is on his resume why? Skills... Why did he hyphenate "hand-drawing" and "story-telling"? For someone who has aspirations of being a writer, he sure does make a lot of rookie grammatical errors. What the hell does CADD, typing HTML or Photoshop have to do with this position? Photoshop, maybe, but post-production takes care of that. The rest of this shit has nothing to do with anything.

Date of Employment: June, 2003 – September, 2003
Cutco Cutlery
Charlottesville, VA

Job Title

Primary Duties: Salesman of their fine cutlery with the patented double-d edges.
Functional Skills: Good people/social skills, great memorization of the salesman routine (won my boss over greatly with that memorizing).
Transferable Skills: Good people/social skills, memorizing and swift learning.

Oh, Christ, he got taken in by the Cutco scam? I don't want someone that gullible working for my company... Well, I guess he might have been pretty young at the time, and they are known to prey on dumb college kids. Plus it looks like a summer job. That being said, anyone who lists good people skills on a resume likely doesn't have them, and anyone who lists it twice in as many lines definitely doesn't have them. And does he think that learning his sales pitch is some great accomplishment? Either his boss is a retard for being impressed, or this guy is. Or he's full of shit...

Date of Employment: August, 2001 – October, 2001[1]
Wendys[sic] Restaurant
Ruckersville, VA

Job Title

Primary Duties: Cleaning trays, tables and carpet/tile flooring, keeping the place neat and serving the customers with kind, understanding help.
Functional Skills: Elbow-greased strength, good people/social skills.
Transferable Skills: All of the above.

Wow. Wendy's. For three whole months. And he spelled out what the job duties are... Wow. There's yet another mention of people skills, and what in the fuck is "Elbow-greased strength"? Goddamnit, why am I wasting my time reading this piss poor excuse for a resume? I've got two hundred more to go, and I doubt that any suck this much. But in for a penny...

Date of Employment: March, 1998 [sic][2] – June, 2000
Books-a-Million
Midlothian, VA

Job Title

Primary Duties: I volunteered to help out as the Gym Leader’s Assistant for the Pokémon Trading Card Game league. I have taught many children how to play the game with care and respect, constructed their 60-card decks from their scattered collection with sound thought and speed skimming skills. I also watched over the children as I have played with them in the Pokémon Trading Card Game.
Functional Skills: Elbow-greased strength, good people/social skills, quick construction skills from scratch, speed thinking.
Transferable Skills: All of the above.

OK, so book store. Volunteer work? Major red flag. Either housewife who never had to work, or... He helped out as the... Wait, he was playing this game with kids? Then in what sense was this volunteer work? And he knew enough about this game to help them in depth? How much time does this guy waste on this shit? Why am I wasting my time on this shit?

Date of Employment: June, 2000 – June, 2002
Toys “R” Us
Charlottesville, VA

Job Title

Primary Duties: I volunteered to help out as the Gym Leader’s Assistant for the Pokémon Trading Card Game league. I have taught many children how to play the game with care and respect, constructed their 60-card decks from their scattered collection with sound thought and speed skimming skills. I also watched over the children as I have played with them in the Pokémon Trading Card Game.
Functional Skills: Elbow-greased strength, good people/social skills, quick construction skills from scratch, speed thinking.
Transferable Skills: All of the above.

Jesus tapdancing Christ, same description of duties as the last "job". And why would you need strength to play a card game with kids? This guy is a fucking lunatic!

Date of Employment: June, 2002 – June, 2007
The (Game & Hobby) Place
Charlottesville, VA

Job Title

Primary Duties: I volunteered to help out as the Gym Leader’s Assistant for the Pokémon Trading Card Game league. I have taught many children how to play the game with care and respect, constructed their 60-card decks from their scattered collection with sound thought and speed skimming skills. I also watched over the children as I have played with them in the Pokémon Trading Card Game.
Functional Skills: Elbow-greased strength, good people/social skills, quick construction skills from scratch, speed thinking.
Transferable Skills: All of the above.

Hmm, seems like he spent more time doing this card game shit at this place than the other two, should be a good place to start the background check...

School Experience
Professional Education

Dates of Attendance: 9/1/1996 to 6/15/2000 Manchester High School Chesterfield County, Virginia

High School Diploma with Honor Roll Grades.
Honor Roll Star Pin awarded at Graduation.
Certificate for serving on the varsity basketball team during my freshman year.

Academic Education

Dates of Attendance: August, 2000 to 6/1/2006 Piedmont Virginia Community College Charlottesville, Virginia

Made the Dean’s List with Honor Roll Grades
Computer Aided Drafting and Design, CADD, Associates Degree
Computer Aided Drafting and Design, CADD, Career Studies Certificate

Well, the convention is most recent education first, but that aside... Whoop de doo, you're a high school graduate! Honor roll? Where's the GPA? And what the hell is a "Certificate for serving on the varsity basketball team"? Is he trying to say he lettered in Varsity Basketball? This guy is thirty something, and he's putting down references to high school sports?

Well, at least he has some post-secondary education. Wait a minute... It took him SIX FUCKING YEARS TO GET AN ASSOCIATES DEGREE? IN CADD? Jesus Christ, how many times did he quit? Definitely not the type to stick with something.

References

Susan Hannifan

PVCC Guidance Counsoler
501 College Dr. Charlottesville, VA 22902
434-961-5281
shannifan@pvcc.edu

Reverend Elizabeth Foss

Pastor of Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church
1901 Thomson Rd. Charlottesville, VA 22903
434-296-6976
elizabethfoss22@earthlink.net

Rocky Shoemaker

Pastoral Counsoler
1901 Thomson Rd. Charlottesville, VA 22903
434-966-9636
revrocky48@gmail.com

Tony Wayne

Physics Teacher at Albemarle High School/Volunteer Pokémon TCG League Gym Leader
2275 Hydraulic Rd. Charlottesville, VA 22901
434-975-9300 Ext. 60265
vastphysics@comcast.net

Wow... A reference from his community college, two church acquaintances, and one of his high school teachers. Nobody from his jobs was willing to give a reference? Goddamn, this guy must have burned bridges wherever he went, to not have a single reference from Wendy's or Cutco.

Job Objective, Full Story

I, Christian Weston Chandler, Birth name: Christopher, born on February 24, 1982 in Charlottesville, Virginia, am an artist with vast experiences in multiple art classes with multiple media throughout my whole lifetime from Green County Primary School to Piedmont Virginia Community Collge, with a diploma from Manchester High School and a degree and certificate in Computer Aided Drafting and Design (CADD) from PVCC.

Since the inspiration and conception of Sonichu, the Electric-Hedgehog Pokémon on March 17, 2000, I have grown further in his stories, plots and adventures in a series of hand-drawn and computer-edited comic books. I also have had and passed two HTML classes, and created from notepad scratch, CWC’s PokéSite 2!, El PokéSite de R.W.C. (Ricardo Weston Chandler was my Spanish nickname given to me during my two years of Spanish in Manchester High), and most importantly, the First and Original website dedicated to Sonichu, Rosechu and their adventures, CWC’s Sonichu Site.

I was also noted twice later in the periodicals of Nintendo Power magazine and PVCC’s The Forum for being the original creator of Sonichu and all. (See Periodical References below)

With the Sonichu Stie originally located at http://sonichuchandler.tripod.com/cwcson.htm, it stayed online from about 2000 until early 2009, whereas my Sonichu and Rosechu fanbase has grown massively over the years; there were also internet bullies and trolls. And the trolls hacked into and compromised my original Tripod webhosting account. I’ve had to pull the plug on the Tripod account and move on to another webhosting site. The second webhosting account suffered the same fate as the first, and then I moved to GoDaddy. It got hacked too, and so I pulled the plug on all my websites late May, 2009. I stayed off for about two months, then a gal-pal of mine about that time set up for me a start of what is now the New Original CWC’s Sonichu and Rosechu Site; the wikipedia-styled Cwcipedia at http://cogsdev.110mb.com/cwcipedia/index.php/Main_Page. As I have done on the previous site, I have re-uploaded my Sonichu comic pages, and I am steadily expanding further with more stories and character bio pages.

I would like to be paper-published with a comic book company like Archie, Marvel, DC or Dark Horse comics, complete with Official Sonichu and Rosechu Merchandise I can personally sign-off on to follow for my Worldwide Fanbase.

Accept no imposturous substitutes who claim to be me or have any rights on my Sonichu and Rosechu stuff; I stand strong with my continued use of the Copyright © symbol on each of all my books and original singular art pieces and the date of creation of March 17, 2000. I have eye-witnesses at Manchester High of Sonichu’s conception and creation on that date. It also bothers me that the trolls are even selling bootleg copies of my Life DVD, Christian Weston Chandler. Yep…I’m On T.V., which was originally intent solely for family and close friend distribution. Trust one of the trolls to snag a copy and rip the vieos from the six-hour DVD-R.

I became famous without having to leave my house or go out-of-state or city.

After recent realization, on about July 17, 2009, of what I want to do, I wish to make it all official; get me paper-published with a comic book company like Archie, Marvel, DC or Dark Horse comics, with continuing work as a comic book artist and story creator/editor, good pay, eventual official Sonichu and Rosechu merchandise that I can personally and officially sign-off on and further enforce my nine-year-old copyright with a more peaceful future.

“Christopher” Christian Weston Chandler, August 11, 2009

© March 17, 2000 by “Christopher” Christian Weston Chandler.

Well he already had an objective statement, and this is now causing a guy who, near as I can tell has only had two real jobs for a grand total of six months, to run into a fourth page of his resume... I guess I'll skim it... God, I can't believe that I spent five minutes reading this far, but whatever... Blah, blah, blah... Wait, what the fuck is he talking about here with "internet bullies and trolls"? Internet bully I get, but what is a troll? And why in the flying fuck is this shit on his resume? Alright, enough is enough, this guy is a fucking lunatic... If he calls, I'm going to tell my secretary to brush him off, and if he starts to pester her, to refer him to site security. He seems like he could be dangerous. And what the fuck was that shitty drawing on the bottom of one of those pages?

To a colleague: HEY! Which one of you assholes put this pile of shit on my desk? Cue raucous laughter You fuckers, do you know how much time I wasted on this shit?




So yeah, blow by blow, were I to take the time to examine Chris's resume in full, this is what I would think. But I can say with certainty that it would never, ever, get seen by anyone who had the authority to offer him a job. Unless someone was using it to fuck with someone, a la Alexey Vayner. I can also say that I have never seen a resume that is as bad as Chris's, and I sincerely doubt that I ever will. I've seen resumes from Chinese people full of spelling and grammatical errors that I would take infinitely more serious than this. I had a guy who listed 20 years of agricultural and shop experience at a state prison once, and I would consider hiring him before I hired Chris, no matter what the job. So yeah, that's my take as someone in HR who does this shit on a daily basis.