Cilantro and Celery ruin every dish.

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Celery is great on its own and is a good healthy snack that has fiber for you to take your shits and doesn't make you fat like cookies and chocolate. But mixing it with shit like lasagna or chilly ruins it. It has no substance that adds to the flavor it makes your dish feel diluted and watery.

For cooking, celeriac/celery root will serve you better. For instance:
 
I love celery but I have the gene for cilantro that makes it taste bad and I want to die every time I taste a little (it's a shame it's not easier to get plain rice at Chipotle).

And I don't know about anybody else, but parsley also has an awful taste to me. Any time I'm out and I know it's on a dish I ask for them to leave it off.
 
Celery on its own is just elongated C-shaped crunchy water, you're supposed to put peanut butter on it.
 
As many kiwis have stated before Cilantro is only good when used sparingly on certain dishes. Nuff said.

Now celery has its many ways to be eaten, I find a good way to use a surplus of celery in your fridge is to blend it with orange and pineapple juice. Some vegan faggots will say this is liquid gold or something equally retarded, I just find the flavor of celery mixes well with the citrus and the tang of the pineapple.
 
Celery is not to go in as cheap filler like lasagna and chili but it has plenty of uses, like a base for soup stocks and stuffing poultry. As for cilantro, we've already established that OP has defective genes. (Sucks for you, but cilantro is at least acquitted of all charges).
 
Cilantro is the work of the Devil.

It tastes like how rotten gash smells (and anyone who has worked in healthcare knows that smell, don't lie.)

Bullshit. If that were true, troons on Reddit and Discord would be bragging their “vagina smells like cilantro”; even with the off-the-charts levels of delusion in those communities I’ve never heard of something like that.
 
Both are good as seasoning, but cilantro is absolutely necessary for a good salsa. People who taste cilantro as soap will be taken behind the chemical shed and fed mexican food.
 
Celery is awful, I can't even use it as a soup base because I somehow manage to taste it anyway and it ruins the whole dish for me. Am I just cooking it wrong?

I do like cilantro however.
 
For soups and stews that call for it, celery stalks are fine. If you do it right they add nice texture without that stringiness most people associate with it. Celeriac is the preferable option though as other kiwis already mentioned.

Cilantro is great in the dishes it pairs well with, and fucking terrible in dishes it doesn't pair with. Anything with a focus on chilies, citrus (especially lime) or garlic are safe bets.

Celery is awful, I can't even use it as a soup base because I somehow manage to taste it anyway and it ruins the whole dish for me. Am I just cooking it wrong?
Depends on what's bothering you. Is it the flavor, texture, or both? How are you prepping and utilizing it in your soups?
 
derail time: what about fucking rocket and lollo rosso and lemon on my plate every time i go to a restaurant and whatever dish i order. sure a bit of lettuce in my burger is fine and even a little squeeze of lemon on some squid rings, but every fucking dish? lemon with steak? bullshit. and lollo rosso is just lettuce bred to look pretty but swapped nice colour for foul taste. rocket might be ok with grilled goats cheese and caramelised onions but not next to my lasagne or salmon with gnocchi. someone needs to visit every catering school and instruct the next generation of chefs that they dont need to put handfuls of the latest trendy salad, garnish and other shit all over a perfectly good plate of food. also goes for other hipster shit like quinoa (smells like the used condom you threw under the bed 2 months ago) and all that other shit. and why cant i buy meat products without finding soya in the small print? if i wanted beans i would buy beans and pay bean prices. if i wanted to grow tits i would cut my balls off. but no i dont, i want meat. a nice sausage or beef mince, some chorizo, or a juicy burger. fuck soya. comrade stalin had a good reward for those caught adulterating food products.
 
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