🐱 Cyberpunk 2077's Update Still Won't Let Me Kiss Panam So What's The Point

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Cyberpunk 2077 just got a glossy new update, and even though it seemed like a lot of fanfare for not very much substance, I was convinced enough to download the game once more. The first thing I did was head to my apartment to customise my V, a feature that, I remember with dismay, was not available at launch. That was also the last thing I did, because in booting the game back up I remembered that I had done everything.

That might not be exactly true - I still have a lot of random bullshit to do for the police, but aside from taking down Psychos, I ignored basically every police task in the game. My V ain’t no snitch. I also could do the final mission again, seeing as the game’s reaction to the various endings is simply to boot you back to before it began, but I’ve already seen every ending. That leaves me with not much to do but wander around looking pretty, and having spent over 100 hours using the game as a fashion shoot simulator, I need something a bit more compelling to pull me back in.

The other option, of course, is to start an entirely new playthrough, but that has its complications too. In both playthroughs to date, I played as a female V. First time around I romanced Judy Alvarez in one of the best in-game romances I’ve ever seen. Second time around, against my better judgement, I decided to take “fuck the police” literally and got with River. His romance is pretty by the numbers, even if his weird abducted child with cow nightmares mission is one of the game’s best hidden secrets.

In both cases, I tried to go all the way with Panam only to be left wanting. I prefer characters to have genuine sexualities rather than be driven by the whims of the player, but with how sparse the options are in Cyberpunk 2077, it’s hard to take. That’s the whole reason Cyberbang 2069 was developed after all, to explore some of the ignored potential love interests.

It’s worth remembering how odd romance is in Cyberpunk 2077. On the face of it, it’s simple but limited. River and Judy are your options for a female V, and Panam and Kerry for a male V. However, it’s not that straightforward. River will romance a V with a female body regardless of their voice, while Panam Will romance a V with a male body regardless of their voice. Judy, however, requires a female body and a female voice, while Kerry requires a male body and male voice. Why? I have absolutely no idea.

It’s not even like they wanted to make Judy a Gold Star, or a TERF, or make a nuanced commentary on the fluid nature of sexuality and genital preference. You can be a female bodied V with a female voice, but have a penis, and still romance Judy. Pronouns are tied to voice, which feels like an extremely weird choice, as well as underlining how surprising it is that a game set in 2077, allegedly forward facing, and with heavy themes of body customisation and transhumanism, did not allow you to use gender neutral pronouns, as well as peppering the world with binary gender signs.

Even stranger, when you romance Judy, the sex scene heavily implies you have a vagina, even though it is not required for the questline to unlock. Similarly, Panam’s shows V jackhammering into her with a penis, even though genitals again have no bearing on whether you can romance her or not.

This leaves me with no real desire to play again. There’s no story DLC - just a handful of new fixer missions - and while I could play as a male V and finally land Panam (I did a similar thing in Mass Effect for Jack after all), that holds no interest for me when the main thing to pull me back in was the ability to customise V throughout the game. If I’m not playing as the V I want, then what’s the point? I may yet see Panam’s romance through to the end - and have already driven off into the desert with her in one of the game’s endings - but another playthrough just isn’t compelling right now, and I’ve already seen what River and Judy have to offer.

This is all part of a bigger problem for Cyberpunk 2077. Everything we’ve been given in this new update, promoted with an hour-long stream to really sell it, would have been there at launch were it not for all the cut corners. Cyberpunk 2077 was a Towering Inferno of a video game, and over a year after launch it’s throwing a parade for fixing the electrical wires. These improvements can’t fix the game’s underlying options - in fact, in many ways they expose them. The greatest RPG of all time and depending on an unchangeable (still unchangeable, even with the new customisation) choice made at the character creator, you might only have one love interest to choose from.

Cyberpunk’s 1.5 update holds some intrigue, and being able to give my character a mid-game makeover is interesting, but it doesn’t feel as if it offers anything new, and reminds me of what was never there in the first place. It’s nice that I can finally change my V’s blue ponytail, but that’s not enough to inspire another playthrough when I’ve seen it all before.
 
It wiped all my character skills and stuff and while I can attest the AI does feel smarter now, it's been so long since I played that I'm totally out of it. I would have to start over and I don't really feel like doing that cause there isn't even that much replayability for an RPG based property.

Also it's still missing all the shit that I expected like AR vehicle navigation and some sort of futuristic Gwent replacement. I was also hoping I would be a lot more free in backstory and character specialization (I mean it's based of a pen and paper damnit!). I wanted to do a playthrough channeling Ted Kyzinski, wiping technology and degenercy off the streets one cyber psycho at a time (and yes I am aware of the irony) but they couldn't even do the corpo origin right, it's just street kid or bust. Maybe the multiplayer will be cool if it ever makes it to market but I won't be pre-ordering it that's for damn sure.
 
I know this goes without saying because of who wrote this article, but people that were expecting an update to "fix" Cyberpunk are fucking retards.
 
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Of all the Western CRPGs to choose from, you choose a dumpster fire that had potential and wasted it, instead of said company's previous CRPG even if they are dirty Triss fanboys. Or shit, even the best Fallout, Fallout 2.
What you want to go man. Triss is the right choice and all you Jenifer cocks are fucking wrong.

There are only two correct choices Triss or Zoltan. Okay maybe add Cerys and Craite, the fight fuck girl, The queen i forgot the name of, and like every succubus in the game.
 
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What you want to go man. Triss is the right choice and all you Jenifer cocks are fucking wrong.

There are only two correct choices Triss or Zoltan. Okay maybe add Cerys and Craite, the fight fuck girl, The queen i forgot the name of, and like every succubus in the game.
I prefer the better redhead the game won't let you have, but Geralt has a hard on for bitchy sorceresses, not competent professionals.
 
You know what pisses me off about this game? All the talk and criticisms are about the story, the romances, and the customizer. I know nothing (as a potential customer) how the game plays or controls. I don't even know what sorts of quests it has. I was somewhat interested in it before (I mostly prefer magic in my cyberpunk) but the disastrous, buggy launch put me off it and since then it's just been troons talking about whether or not they feel "affirmed" enough. I wish the spirit of Neuromancer would come up from the deepnet and fry every tranny jannie's brain so the real cyberpunk enjoyers can go back to appreciating the social commentary it was meant to be.
 
Of all the Western CRPGs to choose from, you choose a dumpster fire that had potential and wasted it, instead of said company's previous CRPG even if they are dirty Triss fanboys. Or shit, even the best Fallout, Fallout 2.
Triss is a dirty soulless ginger and her complete lack of style or discipline with her magic is proof of that.
What you want to go man. Triss is the right choice and all you Jenifer cocks are fucking wrong.

There are only two correct choices Triss or Zoltan. Okay maybe add Cerys and Craite, the fight fuck girl, The queen i forgot the name of, and like every succubus in the game.
Its Yennefer, you random Twitter faggot. You do have good choice with the succubi though. Not even a monster slayer can resist the advances of those horny women...
 
They didn't even include New Vegas, and that's zoomer's first best RPG. Cyberpunk isn't even an RPG. It's about as much of an RPG as Farcry.
Look, FC5 is indefensible for locking map areas with teleportation and stupid shit along those lines, but the "white man's burden" play throughs I do on FC4 are some of my favorite game play. The premise is simple: Ajay glows and has been recruited by the glowies to remove the current leadership of Kyrat and install a west-friendly power structure. Most importantly this means no loose ends. Pagan Min's helicopter eats an RPG and you can choose religion or industry in deciding which order you kill Amita and Sabal. You're the only human in game worthy of survival, the rest are just dispensable savages. You can mentally retcon most of the obligatory storyline components as being necessary cover. When you do that it's a pretty fun one-man-insurgency simulator.
 
You know what pisses me off about this game? All the talk and criticisms are about the story, the romances, and the customizer. I know nothing (as a potential customer) how the game plays or controls. I don't even know what sorts of quests it has. I was somewhat interested in it before (I mostly prefer magic in my cyberpunk) but the disastrous, buggy launch put me off it and since then it's just been troons talking about whether or not they feel "affirmed" enough. I wish the spirit of Neuromancer would come up from the deepnet and fry every tranny jannie's brain so the real cyberpunk enjoyers can go back to appreciating the social commentary it was meant to be.
That's the problem with all kinds of games.

Back when GG (I INVOKE THEE, SPIRIT OF DARKNESS) started out, there were journalist and journalist supporters who were screeching about not being able to talk about the politics, screaming "What are we supposed to say? "Oh, the graphics exist?""

Back in the day, reviews used to tell you:

System specs of the system they playtested on (Some have 3 rigs, high end, 'average', and Goodwill)
Video card used
How the video looks, whether or not it was muddy, choppy, blurry.
Gave examples of how the player avatar looked
Let you know about the control scheme
Let you know if you could remap controls
Let you know how long it took levels to load

But no, if they can't tell you about the latest Funcopop they jammed in their ass and their opinion on girldick, they don't want to actually review the game.

Here's a quick review:

The game had plenty of problems at launch.
If you use an AMD card, you have to roll back your video driver to 2.21
The controls are counter-intuitive and take a bit to get used to
Balance is horribly out of whack
The crafting system is both boring and hilariously out of whack
Cars control like shit
There is no third person mode without a mod so caring about what your character looks like doesn't matter since it's all in first person
You can't pick a style and stick with it, clothing is stats and stats are clothing
It runs smoothly on an 8 Core Ryzen Black and the R590 with 32 GB RAM
Has Ultrawide Screen support
Story is Meh
It's open world but didn't really know what to do with it.
No cool Matrix shit, it's "match the numbers" Soduko clone bullshit game for the internet
Promised multi-player hasn't arrived.
Character models are ugly and apparently everyone's tits and asses fell off.
They got rid of the guy in the wheel chair because everyone kept running up and shooting him on streams
Hair is ugly.
No reason to play pretty pretty dressup
Crowds are ugly.
DOES NOT PLAY NICELY ON OLDER MACHINES
DOES NOT PLAY NICELY ON LAST GEN CONSOLES
NOT WORTH THE PRICE TAG
Wait for it to go on sale for $5.99 or download it for free if it pops up.

There. There's Crazy Uncle Johnny's view
 
Triss is a dirty soulless ginger and her complete lack of style or discipline with her magic is proof of that.
Never mind the mind control in the novels and her taking advantage of a man with amnesia, who probably would have banged her anyways. If you want a ginger there's Shani and at least Yen manipulates Geralt the old fashioned way.
 
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I know nothing (as a potential customer) how the game plays or controls.

Plays like a shitty open world Deus Ex during combat, and a janky as fuck GTA clone when behind the wheel.

Quests are "Go to place and kill people" with some optional janky stealth and a few races sprinkled in.

Edit: Modern Deus Ex, I mean.
 
Last edited:
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Catching a glimpse of what the future will actually look like, in all its raw, grimy, degenerate squalor.
It's a very optimistic view of the future to be honest. Current Year +5 is more grim than Michael Pondsmith could have ever imagined. I downloaded the patch and it's definitely a step in the right direction.
 
That's the problem with all kinds of games.

Back when GG (I INVOKE THEE, SPIRIT OF DARKNESS) started out, there were journalist and journalist supporters who were screeching about not being able to talk about the politics, screaming "What are we supposed to say? "Oh, the graphics exist?""

Back in the day, reviews used to tell you:

System specs of the system they playtested on (Some have 3 rigs, high end, 'average', and Goodwill)
Video card used
How the video looks, whether or not it was muddy, choppy, blurry.
Gave examples of how the player avatar looked
Let you know about the control scheme
Let you know if you could remap controls
Let you know how long it took levels to load

But no, if they can't tell you about the latest Funcopop they jammed in their ass and their opinion on girldick, they don't want to actually review the game.

Here's a quick review:

The game had plenty of problems at launch.
If you use an AMD card, you have to roll back your video driver to 2.21
The controls are counter-intuitive and take a bit to get used to
Balance is horribly out of whack
The crafting system is both boring and hilariously out of whack
Cars control like shit
There is no third person mode without a mod so caring about what your character looks like doesn't matter since it's all in first person
You can't pick a style and stick with it, clothing is stats and stats are clothing
It runs smoothly on an 8 Core Ryzen Black and the R590 with 32 GB RAM
Has Ultrawide Screen support
Story is Meh
It's open world but didn't really know what to do with it.
No cool Matrix shit, it's "match the numbers" Soduko clone bullshit game for the internet
Promised multi-player hasn't arrived.
Character models are ugly and apparently everyone's tits and asses fell off.
They got rid of the guy in the wheel chair because everyone kept running up and shooting him on streams
Hair is ugly.
No reason to play pretty pretty dressup
Crowds are ugly.
DOES NOT PLAY NICELY ON OLDER MACHINES
DOES NOT PLAY NICELY ON LAST GEN CONSOLES
NOT WORTH THE PRICE TAG
Wait for it to go on sale for $5.99 or download it for free if it pops up.

There. There's Crazy Uncle Johnny's view

I mean I totally agree with most of that but there are a few things you can praise it for that you left out. The city itself is beautifully realized with a massive amount of variety and (setting appropriate) visual clutter. The NPC counts were very high at launch and if your PC could take the stress it made the city center feel more immersive than GTA for a split second. The UI aesthetic and effects were excellent. Once everything is patched up and working it would have been GOTY 2016, it just doesn't hold a candle to Red Dead II and they overhyped it and fucked up the launch of a single player game. It should have came out to PC first like The Witcher and instead they made contracts with Sony and MS and tried to cram it onto systems that couldn't run it, then they wasted years trying to get that shit working instead of finishing the game.

I thought the story was better then 'meh' considering all the hoops they jumped through, cyberpunk is a real tricky genre to write in modern times and it could have been so much worse. Keanu is love or hate, I do feel like he made the story better and he didn't phone it in like Dinklage in Destiny but I also feel like he was the reason the game was on rails as much as it was. When they included pozzed crap the setting itself took a shit all over it, they even had that little twist with the troon-racer questline. I also wanted to fuck Judy as male Vee and that was annoying.
 
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