I imagine Phil talks to a psychologist.
And that's the most unrealistic part.
Lets call him D for Detr... Doctor.
And P for Public Masturbator.
D: Well, Phil, I think we made... Progress.
P: *snort* Wauw, good for you Doc, but I feel *lipsmack* I feel this is wasting my time. I don't feel different at all, not at all, ack ack. Aren't you supposed to fix my problems? Then why am I still here if you're sooo good, you know what I mean?
D: ... Well, Phil, most psychological problems aren't repaired overnight and some special cases are especially difficult...
P: And I agree *T-pose*. Nobody has my problems, they don't get harassed by braindead idiots on the internet, wasting their worthless lifes on ruining their business.
D: Yes, this... This seems to be the problem. Really hard to believe such things can happen...
P: This is what I tell my fans, okay, I always tell them how normal everyday people like you are astounded, they find no words, with their mouth open, like this *opens his mouth for demonstration*. But these nudniks don't get it, they are the problem, I tell them every day. But I don't care anymore, really, I don't.
D: *scratches head* Well Philipp... Let us refresh our last session and keep continuing from there on out. Have you found in your mind the source of your problems?
P:
If you would listen, Doc, I said it a million times, it's the trolls.
D: I don't really believe that. We established that there has to be a single individual. Solely responsible for the path your life took. A person who has great influence on your life.
P: Well Doctor, as you know I don't deal in absolutes. The world isn't black and white.
D: Oh. That's actually quite surpri...
P: Sooo I would argue it's either EvilAJ or Tevin.
D: ... Maybe someone closer to you? A individual you know in person?
P: That's absolutely right *burp* 'scuse me. In twothousandandshoe my tax attorney in Bridgeport Connecticut insisted to do my taxes when I moved to Washington. Guess what, he had no idea how to deal with Washington tax law, he screwed me up for thousands of dollars and I still have to pay backtaxes! Not even lying, okay?
D: Phil, let us try another roach.
P:
D: Just another
approach. I think this will shine some light on the situation.
P: Not so sure Doc, I'm waiting here for an hour and nothing happened. I pressed the doorhandle but my move to sanity won't come out. And I didn't even do anything. I need the short-term solution, every minute here is wasting my money. Not even lying, I could make thousands of dollars right now.
D: Believe me Phil, I'm here to help, but you have to cooperate on your own free will.
P: Truth of the matter, I would, I really would, I would love to cooperate and improve my life.
D: But?
P: But my trolls stalk and harass me on a regular basis. I can't do anything, these sick motherfuckers will send you disgusting messages and completely fabricated stories, which aren't even true. None of that, I did nothing wrong.
D: There seem to be a lot of these "trolls".
P: *nod nod nod nod*
D: Are you the only one getting "harassed" by them?
P: Uhm, I don't really know, I also don't caaaare? But there is this website called Kiwifaaarms, I don't really know? And they seem to target a lot of peopuuul? Uhm, some seem genuinely bad, but they're WAY worse than me. In fact, I don't even know what I did to them. But, I don't pay attention to any of this.
D: Right. Phil, let us try something new. I would like to introduce you to some analogies and want to know your opinion. Remember, we want to find the source of your problems, just think simple.
P: Okay Doc, I'm ready and hope you're ready too. Feeling the groove, feeling the vipe *rubs hands*.
D: Imagine a jar of cookies.
P: Waaauw. So let me get this straight. You you want me to imagine, in my mind, a standard-sized pot of crumbling chocolate-styled candy-bread to reveal... to REVEAL... the hidden guilty perpetrator of my life, business and family. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, ACK ACK ACK, oh mah gahd, are you even a real professional? So you have these... these... quacks, uhm, charlatans in expensive offices, taking your money, talking all day nonsensical brain altering language, ripping you off of your hard earned money to fix your persevered* life-long problems, uhm, and uh, they want you to imagine some cookies. Waaauw. What a bunch of idiots.
*) wrongly used word
D: ...... So can you imagine a jar of cookies?
P: No, I can't. I'm not an artist, I don't do edits in my head, I'm just a gamer who wants to have a chill fun time, are you stupid? Haha, really. Maybe, just maybe, I can go far and beyond if my debts get paid, then I'm able to improve my mental setup. But I need YOU to make it happen. I need... I need that sanity, to pay muh bills.
D: *slowly rubs brows* Then... Then let us not imagine anything. For some people creativity isn't their strongest suit.
P: That's right Doctor, what a bunch of losers, can't even imagine a simple situation. Like, they can't imagine how hard my very adult life is and how they ruin everything.
D: Can I confront you with a hypothetical situation and you choose the most likely outcome?
P: Of course! As you know I'm a very honest guy.
D: In your house is a jar of cookies...
P: Okay.
D: ... and you are the only person living in your house.
P: Uuuh, why would that be the case? I'm not living alone, I have a beautiful wife and Jasper-Kitty, muh cat. You can't just make up crazy cultish bullshit about my life, this is incredibly racist*.
*) misused phrase
D: Phil, it's a hypothetical situation. Like a... videogame?... Not real. With a logical story.
P: Oooooh. I didn't know that. How would I know that, right? Nobody told me. Uhm, of course I can do that, I'm probably one of the overall best gamers in the country.
D: Good... In your hypothetical situation you life alone in a house, no wife, no pets, and you possess a cookie jar. At morning you wake up and realize that 3 cookies are missing. Who do you think took them?
P: Who took the three cookies... Huh... Three. Just three cookies.... From the jar... *rocks nervously*
D: Can you put down your phone?
P: Uuuhm, I'm just deleting some emails.
D: Think of the situation, Phil. A jar of cookies, some are missing, you are the only person in this house, who ate them?
P: Wait a minute! You just changed the whole situation. How can I solve a puzzle if you move the goalpost? This is bullshit.
D: I can't quite follow. Nothing changed.
P: Listen, first 3 cookies were missing, now "some" are missing. They're also not just gone, someone ate them. That's an entire different situation, this has nothing to do with the previous circumstance. You can't design a puzzle with changing rules, are you stupid?
D: But these details weren't the point, I just ask who stole the cookies in this scenario.
P: Now you say someone stole them, OH MAH GAHD. That's it, I give up. This is unsolvable. I won't play along unless someone tells me the solution. I mean it. Fuck this puzzle, it's a beginners trap. You told me the story is logical, but there is no logic when the rules are constantly changing. The rules changed! Look! It changed!
D: Phil, it' so easy. You in a house, nobody here to take 3 cookies except you, so who took the 3 cookies?
P: Uuuh.... OOOH. Wait a minute. Is this the solution? Yeah, it has to be, right? It looks like it.
D: And?
P: When nobody is in this house, except me, okay? And when 3 cookies from this cookie-filled jar are missing, okay? But I'm also surprised that they are missing...
D: *silent sigh*
P: ... then there has to be another person, someone I don't know. Someone smart enough to keep out of sight, someone I can t control. Is it a ghost? I think it's a ghost, right? Or a uhm.. a burglar, right? It has to be.
D: Phil, we're trying to make you realize who the source of your personal failures is, those "puzzles" are related to you and your surrounding, it's about YOU. It's an analogy of real life. Try to find a connection to YOU. This is not a riddle for entertainment value.
P: Then why do you think a burglar ruins my life? ACK ACK ACK. This is stupid. I life in a gated community, he would get spotted immediately by muh neighbors, blacks don't belong there. But, uhm, trolls do plan to break in my house, rearrange my furniture and kill my cat Jasper. Can you believe how sick these people are?
D: No, I really can't believe it.
P: Thank you! Sooo, I guess we're done, but interaction was really low today. I don't think we will reach the goal *nervous chuckle*.
D: I agree, we won't. We went nowhere.
P: So you're telling me I could have just sit in my house, twiddling my thumbs, and get the same outcome? Oh mah gahd, are you kidding me. At least I haven't paid anything for this session, ack ack ack, Khet gifted it to me, ack ack. Can you believe it? I can't wait to tell her how stupid you are, this will be hilarious, I have a good feeling about that. So, uhm, fuck you, lick my shit and I don't come back, okay?
*grabs his platinum vest and waddles away*
*snort*
On it to make me look bad!