Dating stories thread

[Melktert]

You’re only jealous you didn’t get that mediocre bussy.

gross. i'll stick to the natural beauty of women, thanks

 

[CivilianOfTheFandomWars]

gross. i'll stick to the natural beauty of women, thanks

Good.
Just as God intended.

 

[Melktert]

Good.
Just as God intended.

gotta continue my boer bloodline by breeding only pure dutch girls

 

[Crankenstein]

One time I was with my then girlfriend, some of my cousins, and a very large group of their friends at a lake party by someone's parent's cabin. We did the usual, skinny dipping, bottllerocket wars, drinking, weed, I brought acid, over all it was a good time. After a while we all congregated by the cabin for some grilled meats and more liquid social lubricant. There was a billiards table in the cabin a few of us had gathered around and contemplated playing. We eventually concluded it would be a good idea to play, someone asked "where is the rack?" to which a gross narwhal said "right here!" and lifted her tanktop to expose a gut with bright stretchmarks and breasts half the size of said gut with; I shit you not, hair resembling an egyptian's, around her nipples.

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

A few years ago I got set up for a blind date by one of my friends; a girl he worked with that, he assured me, was "just my type". Cool, can't hurt to give it a go, right?

So I get to the bar we were meeting at, sat at the booth I'd booked and, as it my wont when there's time to kill, I started idly reading a paperback.
I look up shortly, and walking over to the booth is this very attractive looking girl. Winner.
I get up to greet her, saying hello as I do and as she's responding, she clocks the paperback still in my hand and says "Oh God, you're not a reader, are you?" with no trace of humour or irony and a look that suggests she's smelled something bad.

I mumble something fatuous and put the book away and as we sit down and the drinks arrive, I try to make light of things by asking "What's so bad about reading, anyway?" grinning hopefully.
Nope. Totally deadpan, she says "It's just so boring, all those pages, I'd rather watch TV."

I made it about half an hour more, just long enough to discover that she was in fact a moron, albeit a very pretty one, and then made an excuse and ducked out.

I don't let my friends arrange anything like that any more, since apparently, they have no idea what I like...

 

[дядя Боря]

There's two things you need to know about me if you want to know how I, a person who barely watched anime outside of yu-gi-oh in junior high, crossed paths with a weeaboo: I love sushi, and I fucking love free food. It just so happens that our local Japanese/anime club had copious amounts of both at their intro meeting. So one boring Friday night I decided to roll through, grab some cali rolls, and leave before being forced to talk to anyone. Walking in, I see the sushi spread... way in the back of the big meeting room, with an ocean of people between me and sweet, sweet raw fish. I nimbly slide between the headband wearing ensemble and am almost at the finish line when I bump into her. The first thing I notice are her jet black eyes, which instantly cower away from my gaze like she'd just walked in on her parents. She was some type of Asian (Filipino I later found out) and had this lily-white, almost translucent skin. Her hair was tied up in pigtails with neon pink streaks running through, and she had on what I could only describe as a very involved baby blue french maid type outfit. All I knew at that point, however, was there was something about this girl that drew me to her.

She uttered a startled "gomenasai", (I would learn more foreign vocab from this girl in a few weeks than I did from 2 years of Spanish) after which I introduced myself and we started talking. Her name was Mimi, she wanted to be a voice actress, and I honestly could not care less about most of the things that came out of her mouth. Don't get me wrong, she was really nice, but once Mimi got to talking about some anime that interested her, it would be a solid 5 minutes before you would even get a chance to reciprocate. Oh man was this girl flirty though. Whenever I did get to speak she'd bat her little eyelashes and look at me like I was the most interesting man in the world (I'm not, I'm an idiot). Just being near her was awakening some sort of weird, primal lust in me and right as I was about to ask what she was doing later... some douche with baggy cargo pants and an equally ill-fitting anime t-shirt interrupted us. Turns out homeboy was the club president, Mimi was his VP, and there were "important" club duties to attend to. Before he dragged her off, she gave me her number on a Hello Kitty sticky note, winked and blew me a kiss, then skipped off.

We started texting the next day, and Mimi's flirtatiousness kept escalating. It was also around this time that she started to call me "niichan", which would have been the biggest red flag outside of China if A) I knew what it meant and B) was not already in way too deep with this girl. She kept asking about my bedroom habits and coyly teasing me with replies like "oooh that sounds interesting ". This all came to a head when during some management class, I get a text from her and open it up only to instantly regret that decision. Mimi thought it would be fun to send a picture of herself, from the neck down, with just one arm covering her breasts in lieu of any clothing. I instantly shut my phone off, prayed the people behind me didn't see, and then right after class ended jogged to my dorm and jerked off. Yes, I'm aware I'm not doing the greatest job with the whole "have people not judge me" thing, but could I score some points for honesty? No? Okay I'll just move on.

The sexting got progressively wilder, and a week after we met Mimi finally told me that she wouldn't send any more pictures, but had a special surprise for me at the next club meeting. For the first time in my life, I was excited to go to an anime club, and found myself marking my calendar to the fateful day. As soon as I arrived she ran up and hugged me like we hadn't seen each other in years. The meeting was just a showing of some weeby movie, but Mimi stayed glued to me when she wasn't enthusiastically singing along to all of the songs. Her public displays of affection and overall behavior were so fucking obnoxious they started attracting annoyed glances from the rest of the people, and even I started to get uncomfortable. Mercifully the movie ended after a few hours, and we both head back to her room. I still had some slight hesitation about getting involved with Mimi, but every time she looked at me and flashed that bubbly smile, I felt reassured.

We arrived at her dorm and Mimi wasted no time with foreplay and got right onto the "special surprise". What transpired next was incredible; this girl was going at it like a pornstar and the only thing holding us back was my shitty stamina. She said she loved me after we finished, to which I responded "me too" without even thinking. Another missed red flag, but I was having the honeymooniest of honeymoon phases and wasn't exactly operating at full mental capacity. Unfortunately, nothing could have prepared me for the sheer amount of crazy that was soon to follow.

The Tuesday after my sexual reawakening I was heading back to my room after class when the anime club president came up to me. Wearing the same cargo shorts and anime shirt I'd seen him in at every meeting, he told me he was in love with "Mimi-chan" and wanted to know if there was something between us. I wondered how oblivious this dude could be, and confirmed his worst fears; he did not handle it well. Anime club president was on the verge of tears, and as I began to offer my condolences he ran off into the distance. The minute I get home I called Mimi, asking if she knew anything about this. Apparently she drunkenly gave him a handjob in his car at some club party last semester, and he kept sending her love letters and gifts no matter how much she told him she wasn't interested. I told her she should probably talk to him one last time, and went to sleep thinking that my worries were over. They were anything but.

A few days after that was my school's suit-and-tie-mandatory business career mixer; a pretty important event for most of us where we meet prospective employers. As I'm heading over to the mixer with a group of friends, someone jumps on me from behind. Three guesses as to who it was, and Jesus Christ she was still wearing the fucking maid outfit. My heart sinks, all of my friends are confused, and Mimi starts rubbing her head into my chest and making "nya" sounds, like a cat. The intense rush of embarrassment brings with it all of the red flags I had missed before in one fell swoop. She asks me when I'm coming over for "playtime" again, and then informs me that the anime club president will no longer be bothering us since she told him that I WOULD BEAT HIM UP IF HE EVER BOTHERED HER AGAIN. The only thing running through my head at this point are the words "oh shit" on a loop. I tell her I'll meet her later and she says "OK" and does some weeby peace sign thing. Keep in mind all of this transpired in front of my friends, whose collective jaws had hit the floor. When I get home from the mixer, I decided to Google what "niichan" meant, since she kept calling me that, and the results hit me like a train. As I googled the rest of the mangled Japanese phrases she used with me, the meanings got progressively more disturbing. I stopped looking them up shortly after.

That was two days ago, and I've been pretending everything is normal with her since that incident. I'm honestly terrified of what she'll do if I end it, and this shit is freaking me out. So if you've got any advice on how to let her down easy, please let me know quickly because my friends find this too hilarious to help and I really cannot keep seeing this girl.

the solution is very simple, pimp out mimi-chan to weeb pres for cold hard cash. Mimi chan will become slightly more jaded and more careful about spontaneous hand jobs. Pres will grow up. Everyone will benefit in the end, financially or experience wise.


I dated this chick once, I guess she was a rape victim at some point in time but she never went into details how and when. She kind of liked to mention it though often enough. Anyhow, one time I floated an idea of watching Rob Roy and she was like "ah no, the is a rape in it" ... seriously? Then I realized that most movies that I like had some sex violence in it, so I pretended to have PTSD and dumped the broad. (it went smoother with PTSD story)

 

[Haramburger]

the solution is very simple, pimp out mimi-chan to weeb pres for cold hard cash. Mimi chan will become slightly more jaded and more careful about spontaneous hand jobs. Pres will grow up. Everyone will benefit in the end, financially or experience wise.


I dated this chick once, I guess she was a rape victim at some point in time but she never went into details how and when. She kind of liked to mention it though often enough. Anyhow, one time I floated an idea of watching Rob Roy and she was like "ah no, the is a rape in it" ... seriously? Then I realized that most movies that I like had some sex violence in it, so I pretended to have PTSD and dumped the broad. (it went smoother with PTSD story)

I've never been raped but that filthy poof violating Rob's wife and them not being able to abort is true cinematic tragedy, i cri evrytiem

 

[Gravityqueen4life]

only been on one date my entire life and i think it will be my last.

it was in high school, a guy i knew from class (i think his name was Simon) who looked like he could be a star in one of those Disney none-cartoon shows for two reasons.
one, he was a solid 9 and girls would wink and smile at him constantly.
two, he was dumb as a brick. like real dumb. like dumb as in the most handsome guy in the Disney show who had no game, was so dense but still got girls by looks alone.
he asked me if i wanted to go on a double date with him since his other friend had to be somewhere and one of the girls liked guys of my "ethnicity".

i had no idea what the girls looked like but it turns out they were both fat white chicks and one of the most boring people i have ever met. again, Simon was dumb as a brick and could not hold a conversation so i tried to start something by asking them about school, were they live, their favorite tv show etc but they kept giving me boring one sided answers while talking between themselves. they later wanted us to take them out to McDonalds but at that point i just said no just and left.

the next day, i asked Simon why on earth he would waste his times with 3s and 4s while he was a solid 9 and he said "i dont care about a girls looks. its their personality that matters and she seems like a beautiful person on the inside. she was just shy." dumb fuck.

 

[Crankenstein]

only been on one date my entire life and i think it will be my last.

it was in high school, i guy a knew from class (i think his name was Simon) who looked like he could be a star in one of those Disney none-cartoon shows for two reasons.
one, he was a solid 9 and girls would wink and smile at him constantly.
two, he was dumb as a brick. like real dumb. like dumb as in the most handsome guy in the Disney show who had no game, was so dense but still got girls by looks alone.
he asked me if i wanted to go on a double date with him since his other friend had to be somewhere and one of the girls liked guys of my "ethnicity".

i had no idea what the girls looked like but it turns out they were both fat white chicks and one of the most boring people i have ever met. again, Simon was dumb as a brick and could not hold a conversation so i tried to start something by asking them about school, were they live, their favorite tv show etc but they kept giving me boring one sided answers while talking between themselves. they later wanted us to take them out to McDonalds but at that point i just said no just and left.

the next day, i asked Simon why on earth he would waste his times with 3s and 4s while he was a solid 9 and he said "i dont care about a girls looks. its their personality that matters and she seems like a beautiful person on the inside. she was just shy." dumb fuck.

You did the right thing, my dude.

 

[Least Concern]

one of the girls liked guys of my "ethnicity".

Well, that probably should have been your first clue, but at any rate don't let one clumsy awkward date in high school turn you into a lifelong incel. Dating can be awkward and clumsy after high school too, but you've already been through it once and come out better on the other side. And when things do work out and you find someone you vibe with, it becomes a lot of fun. Put this behind you and keep yourself out there on the market, my dude.

 

[Gravityqueen4life]

Well, that probably should have been your first clue, but at any rate don't let one clumsy awkward date in high school turn you into a lifelong incel. Dating can be awkward and clumsy after high school too, but you've already been through it once and come out better on the other side. And when things do work out and you find someone you vibe with, it becomes a lot of fun. Put this behind you and keep yourself out there on the market, my dude.

i know. high school stuff dont matter it was such a long time ago and i too was different back than. would still not date not because of high school trauma, but the dating scene seems very "toxic" unless you meet someone through a friend or a sibling. people my age who are single are either bachelors, ran through by the carousel or have something mental going on.

 

[Lonely Grave]

I took this hot chick to my graduation dinner.

I was only going out of obligation, she was going because of friends. Once we got to the venue and after the dinner was cleared away, we didn't speak again and I never saw her in person again after that.

Why did this happen? The school student council, in their infinite wisdom, decided that people could only buy tickets and go to the graduation dinner with a date. So yeah. The second-last date of my life was done purely out of convenience.

 

[Apathy is my superpower]

When I was 20 I partied a lot with some of my co-workers at the time and got closer to one of them. He then asked me out to a date - to a picnic at a park in my city during summer. We spend some time there sitting, talking and eating and everything is going fine, but I notice that he is getting more and more quiet. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

10 minutes pass, 20 minutes pass...then 30. I am starting to get worried, because I a sure he didn't just leave me there, all his stuff (backpack etc) is still here. I try to call him - he doesn't answer. I text him - he doesn't answer. It is starting to get dark and I am packing up, ready to leave (appr. 1 hour has passed).

Suddenly he calls me. Him: "Pack my stuff and meet me at XY. Don't ask, just do it." He hangs up. I am pissed but I am heading to the location he told me about.

I can barely see him, he stands under a staircase in the dark. I am walking towards him, but he shouts: "DON'T COME CLOSER. Just throw my stuff over here and LEAVE!". I don't understand what's going on and start asking what this is all about etc...

Apparently he realises that I am not going anywhere without an explanation, so he tells me that during the picnic his stomach started rumbling&aching and he needed to go to the toilet, but tried to "suffer through it".

When he finally excused himself to the bathroom it was already too late and he shat his pants mid run. He is wearing shorts and the poop is of the liquid kind, so therefore streaming down his legs. He was looking for a place to hide and contemplate his next moves, so he hid under the staircase.

He then informed me that he already called his Mom to come get him and he just needed me to bring him his backpack (his wallet/keys are in there).

I then get to watch a 25 year old man jump on the passenger seat of his moms car with shit all over him and all I can hear are the horrified screams of that poor woman as she realises what is going on.

Shittiest date ever.

He asked me out on another date. I politely declined.

Fin.

 

[Crankenstein]

When I was 20 I partied a lot with some of my co-workers at the time and got closer to one of them. He then asked me out to a date - to a picnic at a park in my city during summer. We spend some time there sitting, talking and eating and everything is going fine, but I notice that he is getting more and more quiet. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

10 minutes pass, 20 minutes pass...then 30. I am starting to get worried, because I a sure he didn't just leave me there, all his stuff (backpack etc) is still here. I try to call him - he doesn't answer. I text him - he doesn't answer. It is starting to get dark and I am packing up, ready to leave (appr. 1 hour has passed).

Suddenly he calls me. Him: "Pack my stuff and meet me at XY. Don't ask, just do it." He hangs up. I am pissed but I am heading to the location he told me about.

I can barely see him, he stands under a staircase in the dark. I am walking towards him, but he shouts: "DON'T COME CLOSER. Just throw my stuff over here and LEAVE!". I don't understand what's going on and start asking what this is all about etc...

Apparently he realises that I am not going anywhere without an explanation, so he tells me that during the picnic his stomach started rumbling&aching and he needed to go to the toilet, but tried to "suffer through it".

When he excused himself to the bathroom it was already too late and he shat his pants mid run. He is wearing shorts and the poop is of the liquid kind, so therefore streaming down his legs. He was looking for a place to hide and contemplate his next moves, so he hid under the staircase.

He then informed me that he already called his Mom to come get him and he just needed me to bring him his backpack (his wallet/keys are in there).

I then get to watch a 25 year old man jump on the passenger seat of his moms car with shit all over him and all I can hear are the horrified screams of that poor woman as she realises what is going on.

Shittiest date ever.

He asked me out on another date. I politely declined.

Fin.

lol should have just dropped and ran.

 

[Apathy is my superpower]

Oh god, all these repressed memories are coming back....

1000000 years ago I was once set up by a friend of mine for a blind date with a dude she met while volunteering at a soup kitchen. She gave him my facebook info and told him to send me a message...blabla.

After two weeks she calls me and asks why I am ignoring him - I don't know what she is talking about, dude never contacted me. I look into my FB "spam" folder and see about 10 messages from him, getting angrier and angrier that I am not replying.

Because I was young, fucking stupid and horny af (he was a good looking dude) I contacted him and we agreed to go out for a few drinks.

This guy is obviously on coke or something even stronger, talking 500 mph and sweating profusely. He is rambling about something and getting more and more agitated, I start to feel uncomfortable. I tell him that I have to leave, it was a nice evening etc but he says that he HAS to tell me a story before I go.

He tells me about the time his father walked in on him jacking off into a sock of his mother while laughing hysterically like a hyena and NEVER breaking eye contact with me

I go home. A week later he texts me, asking if I could help him with a powerpoint presentation. I never answered.

WTF is my life?

I am dipping my toes back into the dating pool and honestly I am scared of the horrifying things that will inevitably happen....I am not sure if it's worth the hassle.

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

Oh god, all these repressed memories are coming back....

1000000 years ago I was once set up by a friend of mine for a blind date with a dude she met while volunteering at a soup kitchen. She gave him my facebook info and told him to send me a message...blabla.

After two weeks she calls me and asks why I am ignoring him - I don't know what she is talking about, dude never contacted me. I look into my FB "spam" folder and see about 10 messages from him, getting angrier and angrier that I am not replying.

Because I was young, fucking stupid and horny af (he was a good looking dude) I contacted him and we agreed to go out for a few drinks.

This guy is obviously on coke or something even stronger, talking 500 mph and sweating profusely. He is rambling about something and getting more and more agitated, I start to feel uncomfortable. I tell him that I have to leave, it was a nice evening etc but he says that he HAS to tell me a story before I go.

He tells me about the time his father walked in on him jacking off into a sock of his mother while laughing hysterically like a hyena and NEVER breaking eye contact with me

I go home. A week later he texts me, asking if I could help him with a powerpoint presentation. I never answered.

WTF is my life?

I am dipping my toes back into the dating pool and honestly I am scared of the horrifying things that will inevitably happen....I am not sure if it's worth the hassle.

Utterly lost it at the "help with a powerpoint presentation" juncture... Like, did he not recall his previous conversation with you ending on his re-telling of a depraved masturbatory incident?

Same here, trying to get back into dating and oh man, I'd forgotten how batshit insane some "regular" people are, IRL. Becoming a monk almost seems like a safer bet at this point... :p

 

[Apathy is my superpower]

Utterly lost it at the "help with a powerpoint presentation" juncture... Like, did he not recall his previous conversation with you ending on his re-telling of a depraved masturbatory incident?

Same here, trying to get back into dating and oh man, I'd forgotten how batshit insane some "regular" people are, IRL. Becoming a monk almost seems like a safer bet at this point... :p

I still have no words for all of this

Honestly, this stuff haunts me - a few days ago I found the shittiest-date-dude on tinder (hard left-swipe btw). More than 10 fucking years after that disaster. My city is way too small.....halp

 

[Stilgar of Troon]

I still have no words for all of this

Honestly, this stuff haunts me - a few days ago I found the shittiest-date-dude on tinder (hard left-swipe btw). More than 10 fucking years after that disaster. My city is way too small.....halp

What, the same dude? Someone hadn't snapped him up, yet? I am shocked, I tell you; shocked. :p

To my utter disgust, it took me nearly fifteen minutes of using Tinder to decide I'd rather boil my head than jump into that circus with abandon. It's like "Vapidity - The App". Oh, you like "movies, dining out and pets"? How novel!
If the only options were that or swan diving from a tall building, then I'd be looking for someone to give me a leg up over the railings.

 

[Crankenstein]

I still have no words for all of this

Honestly, this stuff haunts me - a few days ago I found the shittiest-date-dude on tinder (hard left-swipe btw). More than 10 fucking years after that disaster. My city is way too small.....halp

Problem one, using tinder. That's no way to find someone mature and well adjusted.

 

[Apathy is my superpower]

Problem one, using tinder. That's no way to find someone mature and well adjusted.

After a 5 year relationship I am just looking for someone new to lie on top of me for about 3-5 minutes