Dealing with rage issues - I haven't beat anyone to death yet, but not ruling it out either

[Billy Bob Dick]

(Without giving too much detail, because of course)

Does anyone have any effective strategies for coping with apoplectic rage?

I am gainfully employed, have achieve stability in my personal life and professional relationships, and am otherwise functional. However, I have a history of childhood trauma including physical (resulting in chronic lifelong symptoms that look like suspiciously like CTE). I get so goddamn mad at shit, especially when people are abusive to me, that it's almost where I can live out an entire parallel reality of beating people to death in Minecraft and fucking eating them in GTA and then either getting gunned down or spending the remainder of my life on death row in Super Mario Bros.

It's a real hindrance. I live alone, I have cats but no gf, haven't been with anyone in over 6 years, mainly because I simply cannot stand being around people unless I'm literally getting paid for it. I don't want to talk to a therapist, because my last attempt at therapy ended with me recanting everything and bailing out never to return. My head is filled with appallingly violent imagery, constantly. I used to take meds but they stopped working 3 or 4 years ago, and haven't found a replacement.

My career, while stable, has stalled as a result of this handicap. I'm afraid of being unprepared for retirement as a result, even though it's still a fair way off. I'm at my wits end.

Any thoughts? Advice? Insights? Can anyone relate?

Feel free to point and laugh, I'm OK with that, that's what I love about you fuckers. But I'm hoping maybe someone knows something I don't, and I don't trust to talk about this anywhere that isn't anonymous.

 

[Otterly]

What triggers it ‘in the moment?’
Do you have anyone to talk to you trust?
Are you feeling violent or being violent? The distinction is real. There’s plenty about modern life that makes a man want to hoist the black flag and start slitting throats, as it were but are you able to control the physical side of it?
Most therapy is bollocks but good therapists are gold. Would you be open to exploring some kind of therapy again, if you were in control and able to find someone you trust?

 

[Billy Bob Dick]

What triggers it ‘in the moment?’

Mainly people attacking me personally. Specifically, if I feel humiliated then I become terrified, which almost instantly becomes blinding rage.
Or if I feel genuinely in fear for my life, which happened a year ago April. Or just generally threatened. I live in a blue city which has gone to shit with crime, I'll let you imagine which one (take your pick).

Do you have anyone to talk to you trust?

I have one family member who I can talk to, unfortunately they don't have much help they can offer. I know that's more than some people have.

Are you feeling violent or being violent?

Feeling violent. I am able to control my impulses, but it is taxing and the effort it takes is destroying the other parts of my life, like my aforementioned career. I don't want to have these feelings anymore, and I want to be able to direct my energy into productive endeavors.

I was in a situation once over a decade ago, where I acted in self-defense and in the defense of someone else on the receiving end of a criminal assault. I put the perp in the ER and I don't remember exactly what happened. I was on the right side of the law, I even testified for the prosecution. But I know what I'm capable of, I know how bad it might be. It horrifies me.

Most therapy is bollocks but good therapists are gold. Would you be open to exploring some kind of therapy again, if you were in control and able to find someone you trust?

I would, yes. I keep seeing ads for online therapy, but all my instincts scream at me not to go that route. I guess I need to start slogging through some local referrals again.

 

[Blasterisk]

I've been thinking that these sorts of things (and actually also depression) are a physical response to repeated violations of human self-expression(rather Kyczynskian perhaps), but I'm just some retard on the Internet.

I find that the best remedy is to have a creative outlet, rather than a destructive one. If your only outflow is destructive, from my vantage point as an Internet retard it would seem that only destructive things would flow out of it.

If it helps, think of your circumstances as a dam, your 'self' as a river, and destruction and creativity as the two culverts by which you might divert the flow of water. The dam may be from your point of view unmovable, or it may be that it can be slowly eroded by great effort. Either way, the decision in the moment to create or to destroy lies in a moment (as you have found out) but a careful application to an art* or hobby can lower the figurative water before you overflow.

*not fine art the money laundering scheme but real art as human expression

 

[Otterly]

Specifically, if I feel humiliated then I become terrified, which almost instantly becomes blinding rage.

I think this is not as unusual as you think it is - humiliating someone is worse for them than physically hurting them (to a point.) the degree of the response is an issue but nobody normal likes being humiliated. Almost everyone’s reaction is to lash out, perhaps your reaction magnitude is ‘wrong’ but the underlying reaction is not so abnormal. Humiliating you bring snack something from your childhood you’ve never gotten over and creates an existential type threat. I reckon if you crack that you’ll improve, but you also need to remove any and all extraneous stressors from your life too.

Or if I feel genuinely in fear for my life,

This is a normal response as well. Any animal reacts with violence if it’s capable of doing so. Would you be able to move somewhere safer and lower density? If you’re in a constant state of threat response you’re going to feel bad.

I have one family member who I can talk to, unfortunately they don't have much help they can offer.

Just listening is something

but it is taxing and the effort it takes is destroying the other parts of my life, like my aforementioned career.

That sounds very hard. Positive that you ARE able to control it but very taxing. What about work is a challenge specifically?

I would, yes. I keep seeing ads for online therapy, but all my instincts scream at me not to go that route

You’re right. Online therapy is dodgy. Local referrals are the way and don’t be afraid to change until you find someone you trust.
Random question: have you had any bloods / work up done to see what your cortisol levels, blood pressure, blood sugar etc are?
None of the above or subsequent is medical advice, not a doctor blah blah

 

[Gourmet Race]

Eat a snicker; you're not you when you're hungry

 

[The Backwards Man]

Just calm down, bro

 

[CoolFool]

Are you overweight? Do you work out or do anything physical during the day? Asking because humans weren't meant to sit around as much as we do. We're supposed to be moving. It sounds cliche, but it's true: working out and being active makes you feel better.

If you're stuck sitting most of the day and getting fat and unhealthy, then tbh it's not really surprising you're feeling stressed out and aggressive. I suggest you hit the gym and do something really physical. Take up boxing or kick boxing. That shit wears you out but in a good way. You'll get in shape, get better at talking with people, and you'll get rid of that pent up aggression. Win win.

 

[Grub]

Mainly people attacking me personally. Specifically, if I feel humiliated then I become terrified, which almost instantly becomes blinding rage.

I suggest consuming a large quantity of mushrooms until you get to the point of ego death. It's terrifying but when you come back all your rage and shit will be gone.

 

[Florch]

Develop a drinking problem like the rest of us.

 

[Billy Bob Dick]

I suggest you hit the gym and do something really physical.

I'm actually in decent shape, reasonably active, but you have a point here. I think I need to take up running again. I've been walking regularly for a long time, but I felt a lot better back when I ran several times a week.

Develop a drinking problem like the rest of us.

This is not the worst advice, actually. Booze does help.

Just calm down, bro

you're not wrong

 

[Billy Bob Dick]

I suggest consuming a large quantity of mushrooms until you get to the point of ego death. It's terrifying but when you come back all your rage and shit will be gone.

I will have to really think about this one, I've heard the same from more than a few people.

have you had any bloods / work up done to see what your cortisol levels, blood pressure, blood sugar etc are?

My blood pressure could be better. It's mostly normal but spikes when I'm stressed.

 

[Grub]

I will have to really think about this one, I've heard the same from more than a few people.

Worked for me.

 

[Flavius Claudius Julianus]

I had pretty bad anger issues when younger, kicking holes in doors and walls, smashing objects, shouting in frustration, shit like that.

I finally figured out through a lot of introspection and observation that it was my neglectful upbringing at fault, and my mother. I noticed I'd get flare-ups when in her presence, or having to deal with her.

My opinion? It's almost certainly continued contact with a family member, no matter how infrequent. Understand how they affect you, WHY they affect you, and make steps to confront them/disconnect if they aren't willing to dialogue/make amends.

The sad part is, abusers rarely acknowledge what they've done, or feel remorse.

 

[Billy Bob Dick]

My opinion? It's almost certainly continued contact with a family member, no matter how infrequent. Understand how they affect you, WHY they affect you, and make steps to confront them/disconnect if they aren't willing to dialogue/make amends.

this is a very compelling insight, much appreciated

thank you everyone for the replies. this thread has been really helpful.
shout out to @Otterly , really appreciate your approach

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

You have a similar issue and a very similar life (cat, gf was also long ago but more from great passivity) to me except with an actual valid reason (I just have frustrations of life). Have actually been reluctant to powerlevel about it because talking about violent thoughts seems like a great way to get vanned. But I think there are tons of people who do ruminate like that who just have the self control to not go through with it. Unfortunately I haven't figured it out. I was talking to a shrink, wouldn't pay for that shit but for me it's free with the job. That gave me a motivation to deal with things. My parents love me a ton, but my Pa just had too much of a certain kind of mindset to be any help at all, kind of like this psychologist, and negative/pessimistic.

Shrink's positive outlook felt way more supportive, be given reasons to feel like a good person (dude described me as being very conscientious to the point that when other people aren't it infuriates me), be motivated to go do something challenging for me every day or at least every week so I wouldn't frustrate him. That steadied me quite a bit.

Then, the point came when the anger started to melt away, mostly, and leave behind the deep sadness. Found that there were three emotions that would cycle but were all at root the same emotion, like states of matter. Anxiety, anger, sadness. Or, compare to flight, fight, and "freeze." For a long time I was stuck in the first two, and it's only in the contrast of all three that it really made sense. The anger is a feeling of power but the power also feels dangerous. The tension of that feeling of danger is too much and it turns to panic, the anxiousness, which eventually exhausts all the emotional fuel. But where does the anger come from? In the sadness, it's comfortable at first, because it's harmless, feels like a blanket, but eventually the load of it becomes too much. When you're walking around feeling like there's chains on you, it's too much. You need the strength of the anger. So it goes that you become angry to get the energy necessary to cope with being sad all the time, and the tension of the anger eventually breaks into anxiety as you feel out of control. Perhaps you don't feel those states, though.

I still haven't figured out what to do about it. For me I hope that it's particular to my setting (but fear if it's not, if it IS something that's ingrained in me that will just follow me from place to place), and a big burden was relieved me when I decided that it is my right to quit and that if I want to quit I will. But you're in a different situation there, an older man, in an established career, and it sounds like your problems - trauma - are the opposite of a temporary, situational thing.

I think one thing is to try to not let personal grievances fuse with political/social grievances, even when they really are connected. If you do that, the things that personally anger you start to feel like attacks against the rightful order of the world and extreme reactions to them then feel righteous themselves. It's a thing that can only end badly.

Also, read up on obsessive disorder and violent ideation. Obsessive disorder is just OCD without the "rituals," your mind runs in circles if you have it. There's a specific type of it where people become obsessed with the fear of hurting others and then the fear drives them to avoid thinking about hurting others, or to feel inordinately guilty about it when they do. I don't think that's your situation, but there's ideas from it that could be applicable.