Dice Scum, the series.
- Thread starter Orthodox Chrischanity
- Start date
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2015
Mostly it would be a movie and a pow-wow** on the show's characters. It might also be good to have people do little conversations, to help get the flow of how the characters interact with each other. I have ideas in my head. A lot of what goes on in my head is the back-and-forth conversations of Tram and Chris right now.
** Is using "pow-wow" cultural appropriation?
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2015
Do we look like we give a shit about cultural appropriation here?
"If we could be nigge.rs, we would be nigge.rs tomorrow and no one would have any say in it."
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kiwifarms.net
Probably is, but fuck it.
That sounds good, I'm not a writer, but I'll hang around if you need help with trans shit.
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2015
My attempt at social justice humor. I actually had to research it. I have trans friends, but damned if I didn't know there was a crazy culture amongst other trans, such as that Sophie Labelle. My friends just wanted to "pass", and we could care less. They didn't even force their lives into the characters they wrote up. I had to research for the character of Hayden, who I have a lot of ideas for.
If anyone isn't opposed to a Google Hangouts, I could host.
Also, does everyone want a bad movie like I've seen hosted here before? Or just some recent movie to chill until we start the conversation? Or do we even want a movie?
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- Dec 29, 2015
If you have a gmail account, you have Google Hangouts.
Just need a time and date that's convenient for all parties.
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2013
I'm up for talking in a hangout too(sorry for disappearing for a few weeks. I normally work evenings-night though, so knowing in advance the time would help a lot.
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2014
Hey, can I lay out some ideas for the setting/fluff/races of the Not Warhammer game?
Maybe use the 30 Years War as inspiration? A super destructive war over religion sounds very Warhammerish.
Here's some ideas:
Main conflict is between the Empire of the Righteous and The Firebrand Kingdoms. For the last 1000 years, the Empire has dominated the known world, and kept the beings of the abyss at bay. It is the headquarters of one of the most widespread religions, The Torchbearers, which was founded to combat the powers of the abyss that had overtaken much of the world. The Torchbearers drove the demons back, and into the spirit realms. The Empire was founded to keep them their, and preserve the free races.
However, the hearts and minds of mortals are easily corrupted.
Over the next 1000 years, the Empire was slowly infiltrated by the forces from beyond, it's leaders twisted into serving them. Right now, virtually all of the important people in the Empire of the Righteous worship demons, and actively scheme to further corrupt the mortal world. Most of the Empire's citizens are unaware of this, being subjugated to constant propaganda.
Some of them were aware. Notably Jeremiah the Firebrand, a former temple leader who grew disillusioned with the corruption of the Torchbearers, to the point where he renounced the religion and began preaching a stricter, militant version of the holy word. They came to be known as The Firebrands, for their religious fury and their habit of branding the faces of corrupt church members. The Firebrands grew quickly, fueled by discontent with The Torchbearer's corruption. This led to a series of religious wars, which ended in 950 After Founding (The calendar used starts at the founding of The Empire of Righteousness). In 950, the Torchbearers decided to allow the Firebrands to practice their religion, to prevent the Empire from braking out into a full scale civil war. Religious hatred remained high, and The Empire restricted Firebrand citizens. The tensions would slowly grow for the next 27 years. A tipping point had to come.
It did, when the Emperor, Archibald XI, died. In the Empire of the Righteous, the Emperor is chosen from a group of suitable candidates by a vote from the religious authorities and nobles of the Empire's regions. They voted for Ranghurst VI, noted for his brutal intolerance of the Firebrands. He immediately attempted to launch a wave of attacks against the Firebrands, to wipe them out once and for all. He overestimated his power, as the rulers of the lands with high populations of Firebrands were, more often than not, Firebrands themselves. In response to the Emperor's crackdown, seven of the empire's northern kingdoms succeeded, declaring themselves the Firebrand Kingdoms and sparking the civil war that has ground on for the last 23 years.
Maybe use the 30 Years War as inspiration? A super destructive war over religion sounds very Warhammerish.
Here's some ideas:
Main conflict is between the Empire of the Righteous and The Firebrand Kingdoms. For the last 1000 years, the Empire has dominated the known world, and kept the beings of the abyss at bay. It is the headquarters of one of the most widespread religions, The Torchbearers, which was founded to combat the powers of the abyss that had overtaken much of the world. The Torchbearers drove the demons back, and into the spirit realms. The Empire was founded to keep them their, and preserve the free races.
However, the hearts and minds of mortals are easily corrupted.
Over the next 1000 years, the Empire was slowly infiltrated by the forces from beyond, it's leaders twisted into serving them. Right now, virtually all of the important people in the Empire of the Righteous worship demons, and actively scheme to further corrupt the mortal world. Most of the Empire's citizens are unaware of this, being subjugated to constant propaganda.
Some of them were aware. Notably Jeremiah the Firebrand, a former temple leader who grew disillusioned with the corruption of the Torchbearers, to the point where he renounced the religion and began preaching a stricter, militant version of the holy word. They came to be known as The Firebrands, for their religious fury and their habit of branding the faces of corrupt church members. The Firebrands grew quickly, fueled by discontent with The Torchbearer's corruption. This led to a series of religious wars, which ended in 950 After Founding (The calendar used starts at the founding of The Empire of Righteousness). In 950, the Torchbearers decided to allow the Firebrands to practice their religion, to prevent the Empire from braking out into a full scale civil war. Religious hatred remained high, and The Empire restricted Firebrand citizens. The tensions would slowly grow for the next 27 years. A tipping point had to come.
It did, when the Emperor, Archibald XI, died. In the Empire of the Righteous, the Emperor is chosen from a group of suitable candidates by a vote from the religious authorities and nobles of the Empire's regions. They voted for Ranghurst VI, noted for his brutal intolerance of the Firebrands. He immediately attempted to launch a wave of attacks against the Firebrands, to wipe them out once and for all. He overestimated his power, as the rulers of the lands with high populations of Firebrands were, more often than not, Firebrands themselves. In response to the Emperor's crackdown, seven of the empire's northern kingdoms succeeded, declaring themselves the Firebrand Kingdoms and sparking the civil war that has ground on for the last 23 years.
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2014
Now for the other races:
Orcs: Orcs were once a proud race of warriors and shamans, who's territory consisted of a loose confederation of city states. They had friendly relations with the dwarfs, as both races shared similar subterranean origins. There were several dwarven cities in their territory, and they made great strides in technological advances. The Empire purposely restricts certain technologies they consider "heretical", as a way of keeping up an appearance of piety. One of these technologies is the Hell Engine, a way of utilizing magical energy to power a steam engine. The dwarves in the Orc lands, free from the oversight of the Empire, made great strides in Hell Engine technology, developing steam powered motor cars and tanks. This disturbed the Empire, who saw a threat to it's military power, and engineered an "accident". The Empire caused one of the prototype engines to "meltdown", unleashing it's magical energy upon the Orc lands. The dead rose up as mindless monstrosities. The lands was salted, and turned to waste. Mutations ripped through the population, turning the Orcs and Dwarves living their into hideous, psychotic monsters. The warrior's code of honor that the Orcs lived by was replaced with one simple phrase: "might makes right". The city states devolved into warring tribes, fighting over scarce resources. The light of civilization was extinguished in a blaze of chaos and violence.
135 years later, the Blighted Lands are ruled by Orc warlords and Svartlfar, the devolved Dwarves. They launch raids across the boarder into the Empire's territory, mounted on crudely built hellwagons and decked in leather armor.
td;dr: Orcs are Mad Max style raiders the drive around on Model Ts from hell.
Gameplay wise: Models have homoerotic leather outfits and a very kludged appearance. Have the most vehicles of any force. Focused on hitting fast and hitting hard, not so much on zerg rushing (Orc units are costly to field, except for rank and file foot soldiers)
Trolls: Trolls are a chaotic race, both in body and in mind. They serve as natural channels for magical energy, which causes numerous mutations. Trolls may have 9 heads, be 10 feet tall, or look like slightly large and hairy humans. Trolls love chaos, although the exact form of chaos varies greatly. Less malicious trolls enjoy playing pranks on others, such as getting people lost in the woods, rearranging their possessions, or rigging up devices that spray helpless victims with water. These pranks don't aim to harm people, just to have fun at their expense. A troll who gets a person lost in the woods will eventually show them the right path. A troll who rearranges someone's possessions won't actually steal anything.
More malicious trolls also enjoy pranks. These pranks include "burning down houses", "possessing a corpse and making it kill it's family", and "knocking on someone's door and clubbing them when they answer". Malicious trolls tend to be more powerful and more mutated then benign trolls.
Trolls are typically found in the north, and the Lands of the Snow King have many troll or half troll citizens.
td;lr: race of jolly pronkmastas who may eat you.
Gameplay wise: field less units, but are the most magically powerful race. Have multiple "quirky" rules, such as random magical critical fails.
Elves: Elves have some issues. Since the beginning of time, elves took pride in their supposed immortality, which is caused by the telomeres of their DNA not degrading, meaning that they do not suffer genetic damage and wear from aging. Elf religion at the time held that there was no afterlife, but elves could become immortal by doing good works and living piously. Then, 400 years ago, Svenifred Greenspan, a elf mathematician, answered the question of "why do elves continue to die". This question had puzzled elf philosophers, who generally came to the conclusion that elves that died weren't good enough to achieve immortality, and secretly had evil in their hearts. Greenspan shattered that through his conclusion that elves were not really immortal. Although they were immune to the ravages of aging, they were not immune to probability. Greenspan mathematically proved that eventually an elf would die due to random accident or disease, and that the older an elf was, the more likely they were to die. The knowledge that they weren't caused panic in elven society. Some denied it, becoming fundamentalists who rejected Greenspan's ideas and held that elves were still a superior race. Some joined The Torchbearers, hoping to achieve salvation in the afterlife. Many became fatalists, ascribing everything to fate and living for the moment. And some became obsessed with achieving true immortality, turning to worshiping demons in exchange for power.
td;lr: Elves are either fatalistic nihilists, religious fanatics, or satanists. The nihilists aren't the edgy teenager types though, more like "I could die at any time, it's inevitable, I might as well have fun while I'm here" types or "I go into battle with no armor and many weapons. If I die, it was fate's decision. If I live, fate is saving me for something".
Gameplay: Elves like archery, crossbows, and rifles, as they can lower their chances of death by keeping off the front lines. Some of their units, however, actively charge the front lines in a whirlwind of swords. They deal large amounts of damage but have weak armor. However, failing to successfully attack them grants them a combat bonus, as they believe that fate has chosen them to achieve glory.
Orcs: Orcs were once a proud race of warriors and shamans, who's territory consisted of a loose confederation of city states. They had friendly relations with the dwarfs, as both races shared similar subterranean origins. There were several dwarven cities in their territory, and they made great strides in technological advances. The Empire purposely restricts certain technologies they consider "heretical", as a way of keeping up an appearance of piety. One of these technologies is the Hell Engine, a way of utilizing magical energy to power a steam engine. The dwarves in the Orc lands, free from the oversight of the Empire, made great strides in Hell Engine technology, developing steam powered motor cars and tanks. This disturbed the Empire, who saw a threat to it's military power, and engineered an "accident". The Empire caused one of the prototype engines to "meltdown", unleashing it's magical energy upon the Orc lands. The dead rose up as mindless monstrosities. The lands was salted, and turned to waste. Mutations ripped through the population, turning the Orcs and Dwarves living their into hideous, psychotic monsters. The warrior's code of honor that the Orcs lived by was replaced with one simple phrase: "might makes right". The city states devolved into warring tribes, fighting over scarce resources. The light of civilization was extinguished in a blaze of chaos and violence.
135 years later, the Blighted Lands are ruled by Orc warlords and Svartlfar, the devolved Dwarves. They launch raids across the boarder into the Empire's territory, mounted on crudely built hellwagons and decked in leather armor.
td;dr: Orcs are Mad Max style raiders the drive around on Model Ts from hell.
Gameplay wise: Models have homoerotic leather outfits and a very kludged appearance. Have the most vehicles of any force. Focused on hitting fast and hitting hard, not so much on zerg rushing (Orc units are costly to field, except for rank and file foot soldiers)
Trolls: Trolls are a chaotic race, both in body and in mind. They serve as natural channels for magical energy, which causes numerous mutations. Trolls may have 9 heads, be 10 feet tall, or look like slightly large and hairy humans. Trolls love chaos, although the exact form of chaos varies greatly. Less malicious trolls enjoy playing pranks on others, such as getting people lost in the woods, rearranging their possessions, or rigging up devices that spray helpless victims with water. These pranks don't aim to harm people, just to have fun at their expense. A troll who gets a person lost in the woods will eventually show them the right path. A troll who rearranges someone's possessions won't actually steal anything.
More malicious trolls also enjoy pranks. These pranks include "burning down houses", "possessing a corpse and making it kill it's family", and "knocking on someone's door and clubbing them when they answer". Malicious trolls tend to be more powerful and more mutated then benign trolls.
Trolls are typically found in the north, and the Lands of the Snow King have many troll or half troll citizens.
td;lr: race of jolly pronkmastas who may eat you.
Gameplay wise: field less units, but are the most magically powerful race. Have multiple "quirky" rules, such as random magical critical fails.
Elves: Elves have some issues. Since the beginning of time, elves took pride in their supposed immortality, which is caused by the telomeres of their DNA not degrading, meaning that they do not suffer genetic damage and wear from aging. Elf religion at the time held that there was no afterlife, but elves could become immortal by doing good works and living piously. Then, 400 years ago, Svenifred Greenspan, a elf mathematician, answered the question of "why do elves continue to die". This question had puzzled elf philosophers, who generally came to the conclusion that elves that died weren't good enough to achieve immortality, and secretly had evil in their hearts. Greenspan shattered that through his conclusion that elves were not really immortal. Although they were immune to the ravages of aging, they were not immune to probability. Greenspan mathematically proved that eventually an elf would die due to random accident or disease, and that the older an elf was, the more likely they were to die. The knowledge that they weren't caused panic in elven society. Some denied it, becoming fundamentalists who rejected Greenspan's ideas and held that elves were still a superior race. Some joined The Torchbearers, hoping to achieve salvation in the afterlife. Many became fatalists, ascribing everything to fate and living for the moment. And some became obsessed with achieving true immortality, turning to worshiping demons in exchange for power.
td;lr: Elves are either fatalistic nihilists, religious fanatics, or satanists. The nihilists aren't the edgy teenager types though, more like "I could die at any time, it's inevitable, I might as well have fun while I'm here" types or "I go into battle with no armor and many weapons. If I die, it was fate's decision. If I live, fate is saving me for something".
Gameplay: Elves like archery, crossbows, and rifles, as they can lower their chances of death by keeping off the front lines. Some of their units, however, actively charge the front lines in a whirlwind of swords. They deal large amounts of damage but have weak armor. However, failing to successfully attack them grants them a combat bonus, as they believe that fate has chosen them to achieve glory.
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
NotWarhammer Fantasy has oriental style cultures (Stephen plays them), as well as demons who work with the trolls. So far this all works, since if the Orks look like pigmen kind of, that's the race Chris plays, and Aiden plays elves.
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2015
All apologies for the silence. I had contracted some weird bacterial infection that rendered me temporarily deaf. Now things sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks, but my hearing is improving.
What does this have to do with posting on a forum? Absolutely shit, but I was hoping to make for live conversations.
Love the army ideas. Now I'm debating on scrapping my elf history, though. I wanted it to be a kind of running joke on "Why does nobody play elves?" The answer, of course, would be "literally Hitler".
TL;DR on the Elves:
After being caught in a war on two fronts between the Humans, Dwarves, and whatever orcs are, the elven lands were ruined. Prophets predicted the doom of the race and their fading away into the AEther. Young Willowbranch Elf sculptor (and not a very good one at that), rises in the ranks, gets the noble elves to bow to his new band of miscreants, slaughters the oracles to prove their prophecies are wrong, and sets on a campaign proving the superior of the elven race. Blond haired, blue eyes, and extremely long-lived elves are obviously superior in every way to the other mortal races.
Edit: I play a pigmen army in a miniatures game. I was going to try to steer clear of outright pigs:
For an Orcish faction, I'd take a more Etruscan route on the legend. They believe they're the scions or ancestors of a race greated by Ye Olde God of Deathe, tasked to drag the souls of unrighteous into hell. Unfortunately, they've not had contact with the "god" they supposedly worked for, formed tribal units, and can't decide at all what qualifies as "unrighteous" anymore. So, same-old barbarian types, but with a bit of necromatic rites thrown in.
Just my two cents. I'm busy writing dialog.
What does this have to do with posting on a forum? Absolutely shit, but I was hoping to make for live conversations.
Love the army ideas. Now I'm debating on scrapping my elf history, though. I wanted it to be a kind of running joke on "Why does nobody play elves?" The answer, of course, would be "literally Hitler".
TL;DR on the Elves:
After being caught in a war on two fronts between the Humans, Dwarves, and whatever orcs are, the elven lands were ruined. Prophets predicted the doom of the race and their fading away into the AEther. Young Willowbranch Elf sculptor (and not a very good one at that), rises in the ranks, gets the noble elves to bow to his new band of miscreants, slaughters the oracles to prove their prophecies are wrong, and sets on a campaign proving the superior of the elven race. Blond haired, blue eyes, and extremely long-lived elves are obviously superior in every way to the other mortal races.
Edit: I play a pigmen army in a miniatures game. I was going to try to steer clear of outright pigs:
For an Orcish faction, I'd take a more Etruscan route on the legend. They believe they're the scions or ancestors of a race greated by Ye Olde God of Deathe, tasked to drag the souls of unrighteous into hell. Unfortunately, they've not had contact with the "god" they supposedly worked for, formed tribal units, and can't decide at all what qualifies as "unrighteous" anymore. So, same-old barbarian types, but with a bit of necromatic rites thrown in.
Just my two cents. I'm busy writing dialog.
Last edited:
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2014
I like the Hitler elf idea. Maybe both ideas could work, with the Elf Nazis being a faction that arose out of the social chaos of the Elves realizing that aren't immortal. The idea being that the Nazi elves have a philosophy of immortality by race: instead of individual immortality, they seek to ensure that elvish civilization survives forever. Of course, as many of the threats to civilization come from other races, this entails genociding the lesser races so they can't genocide the elves.All apologies for the silence. I had contracted some weird bacterial infection that rendered me temporarily deaf. Now things sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks, but my hearing is improving.
What does this have to do with posting on a forum? Absolutely shit, but I was hoping to make for live conversations.
Love the army ideas. Now I'm debating on scrapping my elf history, though. I wanted it to be a kind of running joke on "Why does nobody play elves?" The answer, of course, would be "literally Hitler".
TL;DR on the Elves:
After being caught in a war on two fronts between the Humans, Dwarves, and whatever orcs are, the elven lands were ruined. Prophets predicted the doom of the race and their fading away into the AEther. Young Willowbranch Elf sculptor (and not a very good one at that), rises in the ranks, gets the noble elves to bow to his new band of miscreants, slaughters the oracles to prove their prophecies are wrong, and sets on a campaign proving the superior of the elven race. Blond haired, blue eyes, and extremely long-lived elves are obviously superior in every way to the other mortal races.
Edit: I play a pigmen army in a miniatures game. I was going to try to steer clear of outright pigs:
For an Orcish faction, I'd take a more Etruscan route on the legend. They believe they're the scions or ancestors of a race greated by Ye Olde God of Deathe, tasked to drag the souls of unrighteous into hell. Unfortunately, they've not had contact with the "god" they supposedly worked for, formed tribal units, and can't decide at all what qualifies as "unrighteous" anymore. So, same-old barbarian types, but with a bit of necromatic rites thrown in.
Just my two cents. I'm busy writing dialog.
As for unit weaponry...
Smoothbore firearms exist, but are either matchlock or early flintlock. In gameplay terms, firearms are powerful and cheap (a team of musketmen takes less time to train then a team of archers). However, they are innaccurate and have a "misfire" mechanic (a critical fail mechanic that blows up a unit. Any gunpowder unit next to the blown up unit has a chance to explode as well).
Archery units are much more accurate than gunpowder units, but are more expensive and slightly less powerful.
Melee units are very powerful, but have no ranged attack.
Cavalry units are fast and powerful, but either lightly armored or expensive.
Artillery units (cannons, trebuchets, ballesta) are powerful and have a long ranged attack. However, they cannot attack a single space. Rather, a d4, d6, or d8 is rolled (depending on the accuracy) and the result corresponds to one of the tiles in a given area (cluster of 4-8 tiles, uses a chart to determine hit position)
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2013
R
RM 810
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kiwifarms.net
I think so, no one posted anything in the time that got vanished, or if they did I didn't see it.
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2015
Entirely my fault. I had started sending messages out to people because I noticed there was no "group" menu at the top after the site's recovery. @SteelPlatedHeart showed me where it was. I feel like an ass now.
Still and all, I plan on introducing Hayden in episode Zero, but only to establish the deja vu feeling between Aidan and Hayden. From what I understand, @Adamska has the whole revelation set up. Oh, and quick question. Is it pronounced /Eye-Den/ or does it rhyme with Hayden?
- Joined
- Feb 25, 2013
The only person that thinks it's Eye-den is David Cage and he's a fucking idiot.
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kiwifarms.net
I think the French in general pronounce it that way, but fuck France.
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2015
Thanks. That's what I thought, and that can be played rather nicely. As for Hayden Black cracking, I expect more dialog to be "screamy" in nature. I have no idea why, but that's how I hear a lot of the conversations for the characters in my head.
Episode Zero: Act III
A jingling crescendos from outside until the door finally opens. Hayden arrives at the store in full tartan regalia. Giant purse laden with buttons from various conventions, ankhs from some World of Darkness game, faction pins from MMOs, and the occasional Hello Kitty patch. Hayden flips his long pink and teal-dyed hair, revealing his be-pierced face. A few people immediately go silent. Gloria's, and a few others', eyes roll so far that they almost go white.
Aidan's eyes narrow as he inspects this figure, a vague look of familiarity with this person.
Tram: Shh. Don't make eye contact.
Aidan (turning back to Tram): Uh, why?
Tram: Just... don't. Let's just keep on playing, okay? I'm about to kick your ass.
Aidan (smirking): Fine, fine. Let's get my humiliation over with.
Hayden makes his way to the store's corkboard and pins up a flyer for a LARP game. "Play in the majesty of the Celtic highlands" (or some shit like that). On the little tear-off tabs along the bottom is "Queen-Brigidh@pocketmail.com" (or some shit like that). Hayden then scans the store, clears his throat to draw attention to his action in that "Hey, look at me and what I posted, everyone! Pay attention!" way. Hayden proceeds to Gloria, getting a few sheets of paper out of his gigantic purse.
Hayden: Here's the character I want to play Saturday.
Gloria (takes the sheet and briefly glances over it): Oh, surprise. Another Aristocrat/Enchantress. Fine. Looks like all the stats are in order. I trust you. Just don't go crazy like last time.
Hayden (nodding): Crazy? It's not like I challenged a gazebo!
Tram gasps sarcastically.
Hayden (glares at Tram): What?
Tram: D... didn't you hear, Hayden? I mean, Brigit? Or what is the name this week? Anastasia? Boudicca?
Hayden: Don't deadname me! And hear what?
Tram: How the fuck am I supposed to alivename you when you change it every goddamn week? Anyway, that joke... it died. It died years ago.
Hayden snorts.
Tram: After years of abuse online at the hands of Reddit and Youtube, being pushed around like a Three-euro French hooker, it finally died. And not mercifully, either.
Hayden: Hah.
Tram: Oh yeah, open casket funeral and everything. People were clutching their handkerchiefs, sniffling loudly. Chris was all like, "Why? Why did it have to be you? You were so young!"
Hayden: Stop it.
Tram (making pounding motions with his fist): When they lowered it into the ground, Cochrane over there jumped on the casket and started beating on the lid going, "I can't live without you, gazebo joke! You were timeless! You were supposed to be immortal! Why did you have to go?!? It should have been me! It should have been meeeeeeee! There is no god!" We almost tried to bury Cockjockey with the joke, but he proved too fast at jumping out.
Hayden: You're such a cunt.
Tram: Now there's nothing but a small grave marker where the joke was buried, and no one goes to visit it or leave it flowers.
Hayden: Alright already!
Tram (sing-songy): See you Saturday!
Tram has Aidan on the ropes in the game. Chris finishes assembling Stephen's figure and wanders over to the table. He, to Trams annoyance, starts giving tips on how to turn things around.
Chris: If you moved...
Tram: Shut up, Chris.
Chris: But, no one plays elves.
Tram: Shut upppppp... We're almost done.
Aidan: Move where?
Chris: Well, the general has the ability to...
Tram: Chris. Shut. Up.
Aidan: Yeah, probably should shut up. I can do this. I don't need mothering.
Chris fidgets and goes back to his table, tapping fingers together and muttering dice roll probabilities. After a while, Tram throws his arms up in the air and hoots victory. Aidan graciously shakes hands and everyone starts packing up. It's dark outside now and the store's about to close.
Aidan: Shit.
Tram: What?
Aidan: My bike tire. I forgot about it. It's bent pretty badly. I hit a pothole on the way in.
Tram: Damn, dude. My ride's here and there's no room. Stephen?
Stephen: My parents want me back ASAP, and since I can't leave my replica here, my car's full.
Tram: Chris?
Chris (looking terrified): I'm getting a ride home from Nastya again...
Some of the players hang their head in pity.
Chris: But she has room in her car... we could ask her.
Tram: Well, ask her.
Chris: No! I mean... it's not my place and.
Stephen (rolls his eyes): Harold, Nastya... Can Nastya give this guy a ride home? His bike's broken.
Harold (sighing): Lemme see. Honey, darling? Can you give the new guy a ride home? And please don't tear up another set of tires, I'm begging!
Aidan: I don't live too far from here. I just have a broken bike and I have my army, and...
A tall blond woman in really slutty clothes stands up and stares down Aidan.
Aidan (looks down submissively, then comments): Wow. Those are the hookeriest of hooker pumps I've ever seen.
Nastya: What?
Aidan: Nothing, nothing! So, um... ride. Home?
Nastya (shrugging): Da. Okay. Where do you live?
Aidan: Just over in...
Nastya is already loading up a GPS ap.
Nastya: Da. Okay.
Aidan: In... the apartment complex over off Palmetto...
Nastya: Da. I know where it is.
Aidan: I really appreciate...
Nastya: Get bike, we go. Chris, you are in back.
Chris: Yes! I mean, okay.
Aidan: I feel unsafe again.
Nastya helps load Aidan's army into the back seat and uses the bungee cords to secure the bike in the sports car's sorry excuse for a trunk. Everyone crams into the claustrophobic car. Nastya affixes the phone to the little harness on the dashboard. She starts the car and starts redlining the engine. She quickly shifts gears and tears off at an extremely unsafe speed. She is an experienced [Bela]Russian dashcam driver and weaves her way through any and all traffic with ease. She runs a few red lights along the way. Aidan is white-knuckled as he listens to the GPS. Chris is curled into a fetal ball in the backseat.
GPS: Turn right at... Recalculating. In 300 fe... recalculating. Turn lef... recalculating...
Aidan: Shouldn't we give it time to recalculate?
Nastya: We are at your home. It is your home, da?
Aidan (immensely surprised): Y... yes. Wow.
Nastya: We get your things.
Nastya helps Aidan unload the bike and army, nearly throwing things on the curb. Chris nearly has a panic attack at the rough handling of the minis.
Aidan: Um, thanks. Good...
Nastya gets in the car and drives off, leaving tire tracks on the road.
Aidan: ...bye? Fuck. What have I gotten myself into?
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2015