Foreword (or why im not a doctor who fan anymore)
Ooooooookay guys, this will be a very long one. and i mean a VERY long one, but i am drunk on a dozen tropical martinis and am mad as all hell right now. if you are not a doctor who fan i would advise you not to read this.
I tried to like capaldi. I honestly tried. I withstood half a dozen increasingly bland and mediocre episodes with increasingly bland and mediocre acting from him and i kept faith. I loved doctor who. since I was 7 i have loved the show. But in the arc words of the last genuinely good episode in the series…
NO MORE
Thats right. i quit the show. This episode was so bad I legitimately dont give a fuck about the rest of the series. but while I refuse to watch them, this episode hurt me, and i intend to get my vengeance by throwing a public tantrum on an internet forum while reviewing it and screaming about how shit it is.
because thats how a real badass acts
The Cunt and The Cunt (AKA the annoying secondary characters)
This episode managed to portray clara as a smug, self righteous, hysterical, self pitying, shrill, brainless, callous, spineless and THE most useless ass companion in Doctor who history, have her willing to condemn her entire world to die and smugly ignore the pleas of the billions who lived there to save it…...all because SPACE ABORTION IS WRONG MKAY…...and she is STILL not the worst character in the episode.
That honor would go to Chavish Useless Narcissistic Teenage-bitchbrat (CUNT from hereon) who was supposedly in the last episode (i didn't bother to watch since was busy deworming pigs and demolishing a stable wall just by banging my head against it) who from start to finish spends the episode
- whining about being bored
- putting shit on tumblr (more on that later)
- screaming at everything
- demanding that everyone drop everything and take her home
- demanding the doctor give her video games to play in the tardis
- declaring that the moon is in fact a giant babby
- sabotaging efforts to save humanity
… all so she gets to go on an adventure in the tardis so the doctor can show her how super speshul and important she is.
also she is the first woman on the moon (just roll with it)...and is revealed to be the future US president at the very end………… because…,
Because….fck it i dont know. my one guess would be that some fuckwit decided that having the characters repeatedly babble about tumblr was not pandering enough, there had to be a fangirl insert who was super speshul super important and super right about everything.
The story starts literally with clara whining (get used to that) at the doctor about how he called her “not speshul” in the previous episode, followed immidiately by CUNT giving a “(i cant fcking emphasise the quote unquotes here) poignant” speech about how hes a big meany whose ruined her life because he doesnt think shes speshul...no exaggeration thats exactly what fcking happens. Which other cunt (clara) smugly approves.
In a good episode the doctor would have beckoned her close to him, and whispered in her ear “No. I dont”, before booting her off the fcking tardis (oh yeah she sneaks into the tardis to steal his stuff. in one fcking episode she achieves more mary sue than a thousand river songs) and going off to fist a dalek or some shit.
Instead this ENTIRE episode is him giving CUNT a role in the story just to show how speshul he thinks she is.
And oh yes.
TUMBLR IS A FCKING PLOT POINT
This episode could almost have been a parody of what doctor who would look like if written by some of its more obsessive fangirls. The problem is the writer was actually demonstrably less talented than your average obsessive fangirl and it shows throughout the whole episode. Also even the most lackwitted hack of a writer aware of tumblr would know that tumblr is utterly opposed to the ultimate message of the episode….but more on that later.
Back to Clara. She literally spends the episode whining about the doctor, whining about the “antagonist” (more on her later), whining about people being mean to CUNT (aka not telling her shes speshul), whining about humanity being so mean for not wanting to all be wiped out because she thinks space abortion is wrong, whining about the doctor being mean because….fck it the story falls apart at this point.
Capaldi fails at being funny. Capaldi fails at being sincere. Capaldi fails at being inspiring. Capaldi just keeps fucking failing. (AKA the even more annoying doctor)
The doctor begins the episode pandering to the aforementioned CUNT and only goes down from there. when he arrives on the moon he tries physical comedy. its shit. he tries to be serious and scary. He Fails. He tries his hand at the “timeywimey” schtick. He Fails.
And most damningly of all he tries to do an “inspired” tom baker speech on humanity. he fails UTTERLY. this is literally the worst “doctor speech” i have ever seen on the show. it is the worst written, most melodramatically performed speech ever. And again, its all to beef up the “CUNT IS A SUPER SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE” shit the episode is running with.
From the start of the season capaldi has been...well hes been a goddamn disappointment, acting with all the shitty obnoxiousness and unlikability of the early sixth and first doctors but with none of the warmth, likability, humour, or basic fcking acting competence. This episode has sealed the deal in my mind that capaldi may be the single worst doctor of them all. his sole non obnoxiously cuntish moments are ironically when he shamelessly panders to CUNT (and thus tries to pander to the audience), and he comes across as both entirely useless and entirely irritating from start to finish.
Ya know maybe we should have taken moffat’s declaration that this doctor would be “darker and edgier” as the warning it was.
Five seconds of mild peril (AKA the “scare” factor of the episode)
Any Tension is IMMEDIATELY broken by everyone saying “look cobwebs” the moment they come to the base. once inside it almost redeems itself for but a second with the set, which with its dark corridors almost resembles the nostromo….then the lights go on and stay on.
Who needed tense claustrophobia and a creepy set anyway?
And of course there are the spiders…..spiders made of the shittest cgi seen outside of jar jar binx and which don't even have a moment off screen in the dark to build up suspense before they are pouncing on people and making gibbering noises.
All in all they come across as less scary than the vagina plants from the classic series, and the episode is seemingly aware of this as after a supposedly tense 5 minutes they run away from the almost creepy set and are never in danger again. and the spiders? UTTERLY pointless to the story.
Well that sure was pointless
The day science died
The list of scientific, logical, and basic fucking sanity based fuckups in this episode are too long to survey in detail. so here is a handy list
- nuking the moon will make it stop getting bigger. even the doctor agrees
- CUNT can kill space spiders with her cleaning spray because it says it can kill germs. and the giant spiders are giant germs
- oh yeah, the spiders are giant single celled germs. because fck biology
- the moon is a giant tentacled organism hiding under the crust and WAIT ISNT THIS THE PLOT TO DEAD SPACE 3?!
- apparently the giant space tentacle babby shouts so loud it can pass through the vacuum and be heard on earth
- space babby then immediately shits out a full sized moon, just as big as itself, and then flies away. unless its anus is the tardis that is fcking stupid
- CUNT starts floating in mid air. the episode forgets to explain why
- the doctor jumps in a unseen puddle of moon semen and from there decides theres a giant space babby under the moon
The shittiest moral dilemma of who history. and yes that includes that shitty silurian episode, and other shitty stuff
Again I am doing this in list form because…...fck it i cant be arsed anymore with this episode.
- Clara gets Nasa to broadcast her message to the entire world….somehow in which she demands that they let themselves die horribly so unborn space babby can live
- Clara demands earth turn off its lights if it thinks the “villain” should kill the space babby….and humanity is so fcking resolute in telling her to go fuck herself they organise a worldwide blackout in which every single light on earth goes down
- When humanity decides they would rather not die for the sake of some creature that's been killing them because a crazy bitch who hijacked their TV told them so, Clara decides to fuck them anyway and stops the real hero (the villain) from sacrificing herself to kill the space babby. Not because there was another way, not because the space babby was sentient. because she had decided SPACE ABORTION IS EVIL because CUNT told her so.
- And since this is a shitty episode she is proven 100% right, even though the episode has to rape science to death to prove her right.
- Clara declares that the space babby should be allowed to live and kill mankind because it is really really really big. Then CUNT tells her “itch nawt evun been bawn” and her mind is instantly made up
- Clara declares only “the president of amurica” has the right to decide whether to kill space babby.
- Clara hates the doctor because he doesn't immediately pander to her demands to stop the mean astronaut lady from saving humanity
- Clara rants about how the giant fragments of the moon wiping out humanity dont matter because they are “actually eggshell”......which somehow means they wont wipe out humanity when they impact
- Fcking tumblr gets namedropped 6 times by all characters.
- CUNT says the words “u wot?”
- pointless fcking slo motion.
Non shitty thing.
- Hermione Norris: her character manages to portray humanity, snarkiness, heroism, grief, toughness, nuance, and internal conflict, and is pretty much the sole character with any depth or likability. She is probably the best character in this season so far….and will never be seen again after this episode.
- For this she is treated like the villain for wanting to kill the giant tentacled abomination that’s threatening mankind simply because said lifeform was described by CUNT as a little space babby which thus somehow makes her wrong for wanting to kill a babby…..that makes sense right?
- Despite this she still gives everyone a chance to prove her wrong somehow and give her a reason not to kill it. no one can give it so clara sabotages her attempt out of pure butthurt at how no one else cares about the space babby
- Honestly though, she would make a better companion than fcking clara at this point. hell she would make a better fcking doctor than capaldi. and hell her being the doctor would be a better way to please tumblr than this shite.
- Norris’s quip of “How do we kill it” after the doctors longass shitty speech about how beautiful the little space babby is was the one good line of the episode. god she deserves her own show for this shit.
- Though she did do a lil too much shatner type gesturing
Conclusion: or why im no longer a Doctor Who fan
This episode was the single worst doctor who episode in history in my honest opinion. the story was beyond abysmal, the dialogue physically painful, the characters detestable (aside from Hermione Norris), the science beneath that of an episode of futurama, the moral dilemma an absolute joke, the CGI laughable, the music overbearing and loud enough to annoy yet not loud enough to drown out the shitty dialogue.
More to the point, this episode was my last hope that Doctor who might have a chance of not being shite. This season for me has been the single worst in Who History, and I know that sounds like typical fangirl whining but I genuinely cannot see anything praiseworthy in the stories, anything interesting in the characters, or anything redeemable about the new doctor. Moffat’s idea well dried up long ago, all his talented writers seem to have jumped ship, and all thats left is mediocre pandering episodes which have all the charm, originality, wittiness, pathos, and enjoyability of latter day Heros seasons.
Basically, scew this show. im going home. im not gonna bother watching shitty tv anymore out of brand loyalty
