DSP Plays Balding Gate 3

[JimiHendrix]

Spoiler: fat boy in the house of bhaal

phil isn't smart enough to tell who sells what from the name of the shop on the map.

"garms garm? what the fuck is garms garm"

prolly a place that sells garments?

phil has been meandering around for 30 minutes looking for equipment to put on Minsc

"um, why are there seven hundred enemies now?"

phil has discovered combat and he's NOT happy.

"oh, I skipped the whole questline huh? good. i didn't want to do it"

he loves this game btw.

phil has stumbled into an ancient lair. he then tried to loot some gold, and zombies awoke. despite phil calling out this would happen, he did nothing to prepare.

"this sucks because this was optional. i didn't mean to do it, I just stumbled in and now we have to do this giant thing. hopefully this a reward for it"

you walked into a room full of inactive zombies, pointed out they're inactive zombies, said they'd likely animate if you touched anything, touched something, and now you're upset the zombies have come for you.

phil is trying to steal from a mute and is annoyed the game wouldn't let him.

"why is this game so tediously time consuming in everything it does? nothing can be done in any efficient way. everything just sucks your time away."

never seen a gamer mad that there's too much game before.

phil got ambushed by Bhaal cultists and immediately reloaded his save.

"fucking game dude. this fucking game is something else."

he's mad because he threw his spear into a wall instead of an enemy.

"I hate the games rules, I really do, I think they're terrible. fucking nonsense. fuck you."

"this is such bullshit and im getting pissed off at this game at this point. fuck this. it's ludicrously bad at this point, it really is, it's so bad how stupid this game is with combat half the time. it ignores its own fucking game mechanics and it pisses me off. it shouldn't be like this, it should be much better."

life must be so hard when you're terminally retarded. look up any videos on youtube of people doing amazing brilliant shit in baldur's gate 3 combat. but phil can't throw his spear across a chasm and the games fucking garbage for him.

"I MASHED the button and misty step worked. you can't make this shit up"

literally the dumbest man alive rn. why is it bad you mashed it and it worked? you pressed the button and eventually found an area with space because you were mashing, how is this bad?

phil has an enemy up against a cliff with his STRONGEST character. does he push her off? no, he goes for a melee and has a critical miss. He then gives up on attacking that enemy. he could've easily killed an enemy with 1 move and didn't, because he's fat and retarded.

"oh"

an enemy just ran up and pushed Minsc off the very cliff I mentioned before and killed him instantly. I'm glad the NPCs are smarter than phil is.

"basically, there's nothing I can do"

story of phils life.

phil opened a treasure chest and took the gold coins and healing potion, but not the smoke bomb, despite smoke bombs being really fucking good.

phil is completely baffled at the idea of corpses being booby trapped.

he's acting like booby trapping bodies is some bizarre niche idea, as if it doesn't literally happen in real life.

phil is here to save bae'zel, which he actually called her by accident.

phil is unaware sarevork is Orin's grandfather and is very confused by this.

"we killed her grandfather? i don't remember that."

Orin transformed into a slayer, I didn't know this could happen, since I've only fought her so far as a Dark Urge, where I got to be the Slayer.

"huh, she turned into a demon, just like Thorm did, right?"

Ketheric didn't turn into a demon, no.

"can not harm, sanctuary? what the fuck does that mean?"

phil doesn't understand what sanctuary is, despite him using it several times. he literally used it last stream.

 

[Dollar Store Crack Whore]

He's really dragging himself through it at this point, you can hear how miserable he is. Yet the power of his greed pushes him on.

And he's still taking 5 fucking minutes for every turn.

 

[CaptainDeTractor]

If you think about it, Astarion stealing his shit is just like when he was mugged for the grocery bags or when he got fake Argentinian style memberships. Argentinan Astarion strikes again.

 

[Corpun]

Astarion stealing his shit reminds of me this time when I worked for a helicopter shop in a sandwich company. You see, I was given ACE training for these sandwiches and the fucking dunces RAHBED me of my valuable time by firing me.

one of the vampire sacrifices has her tits out because they need to be shirtless, phil is upset over this. "haha, it's so stupid."

Did he look at the tits or glance away when they came on screen? Why am I even asking, this guy covered his eyes for breast feeding.

 

[JimiHendrix]

Spoiler: house of shar

phil has entered the house of shar.

"what? what happened? it didn't work, it didn't chain? what the hell. it did work but it didn't show the effect, that is so weird. sometimes this game is weird."

"I could heal, but I don't know what to do here, im at a loss on what to do."

starts mad dogging chat. after 130 hours chat has to tell him to maybe use AoE heal?

phil has killed viconia because he wants loot.

scammed hat by just grabbing a random one despite there being 30 minutes left on stream.

phil sees shadowhearts parents turn into Moon Motes, this is explicitly said to him, he then continues calling them "moon mites"

"what was the point of this roll if it didn't do anything? guess there was no point, it's just stupid."

phil is just bumbling around shar's temple now, looking in all the rooms and walking around because there's 20 minutes left on stream and he doesn't want to play anymore.

he keeps calling shadowheart Shart by accident and gets mad at it.

shadowheart is balling her eyes out

"embrace her? now if it's just a hug, that's okay, IT BETTER NOT BE ANYTHING MORE THAN A HUG."

phil has discovered some shit I haven't seen, so I'm going to close out here.

short post, but this stream was boring and I got better shit to do.

 

[JimiHendrix]

hey kids, just letting you know sunday is usually the hardest day of the week for me since i'm a #realretard. i didn't get to bed until 7am so I missed most of this stream, I caught the last hour though and it's a DISASTER. phil spends the entire time I watched screaming about bugs, screaming about how fighting takes too long, getting pissed off over missing attacks, and to cap it all off, Gortash beats the fuck out of him.

i would highly recommend looking at a compilation or clip or the Gortash fight because he gets absolutely murdered. it's hilarious. apologies I couldn't cover it, but unlike phil I have an actual job with deadlines.

 

[marlintan]

DSP lost his special spear that returns to his hand and claims the affected character is worthless build now, and he did nothing wrong, stupid game devs.

 

[Punished Lobsterchu]

The level of cognitive dissidence Phil displays on a daily bases is genuinely mind boggling. The fact that he even chose to play BG3 is retarded. Has Phil ever enjoyed a TBRPG? I know he doesn't enjoy anything so it's kinda a mute point but like he must have some sort of pattern recognition ability to realize that he hates playing them and people don't give him money to watch these like +130 hour games.

 

[Malakim Phoros]

Look im not really trying to defend Phil here, but that session was filled with tons of glitches right, like the fight blacking out a lot, the NPC not working and the trident thing. Granted he cried like a huge baby the whole time and it totally gonna do a massive "I told you, no one ever listens to me, REE" moment once he reviews the game and said that is totally shouldnt be game of the year and we all got tricked the game actually totally sucks dood.

 

[Soylent Dora]

Look im not really trying to defend Phil here, but that session was filled with tons of glitches right, like the fight blacking out a lot, the NPC not working and the trident thing. Granted he cried like a huge baby the whole time and it totally gonna do a massive "I told you, no one ever listens to me, REE" moment once he reviews the game and said that is totally shouldnt be game of the year and we all got tricked the game actually totally sucks dood.

As usual, he has a simple answer: reload the fucking game. It's been glitchy for me as well with the recent updates and I'm on PC. You just F5 and F8. That's it for most bugs. But Phil wants to hate BG3. So anything that he can use to be a victim of the "bad game design" or "poor coding" he'll use. Who does shit like this?

As much as he hates this game, its the only thing bringing in 100+ in tips on the regular. Will that carry over to DD2 or whatever drivel he plays next? I doubt it. Next we're going to hear about "variety overload!" when no one supports variety.

 

[Malakim Phoros]

As usual, he has a simple answer: reload the fucking game. It's been glitchy for me as well with the recent updates and I'm on PC. You just F5 and F8. That's it for most bugs. But Phil wants to hate BG3. So anything that he can use to be a victim of the "bad game design" or "poor coding" he'll use. Who does shit like this?

As much as he hates this game, its the only thing bringing in 100+ in tips on the regular. Will that carry over to DD2 or whatever drivel he plays next? I doubt it. Next we're going to hear about "variety overload!" when no one supports variety.

Yeah thats what I mean its the same shit he pulled with Astarion, he gets "robbed" cries like a baby about nothing he could do. Then says he wont reload and just get the items back just so he can go and bitch about how its bad writing to have a character who you treated like shit and never gave a fuck about his problems to up and leave when he finally breaks and you say that this came out of nowhere. Sounds familiar btw. Also love how he calls it "bad writing" when hes lied too.

 

[Skippy Shortbottom]

Phil and the spear debacle.

The spear is right under Gortash. The spear has to be equipped first to throw it if you want it to return to your hand but that wastes an action.

He decides to use the normal throw action, so when its on the ground, it is treated as a world item(like a chair or box as an example). So he selects throw, selects the trident WHILE ITS ON THE GROUND, throws it, and ZOOP. Gone.

This is his fault because he didn't want to spend a point to equip it first. This is another KOOKY GAME BREAKING BUG that can be easily explained. He tried to play the system and got fucked. If you were able to keep chuckin that spear from the inventory/ground and have it return to you everytime, it would be insanely broken so its balanced around that.
I'm not a Larian cocksucker but boy you are 100 fuckin hours in and this shit shouldn't be something to try.

But thank god. Love that his party is gettin stripped of his dumbshit because he took the OP crap for granted. Rip Astarion's gear.

 

[JimiHendrix]

hello children, thank you for keeping the thread going while I was busy, but I've arrived for the grand ending.

Spoiler: phil faces off against his worst enemy, a brain

phil has hit save file limit again, he's also pissed over losing his cheese spear.

"why does the elder brain now have a woman voice?"

it has the entire game, phil.

phil is putting on a faggy voice to mock Astarion and even goes so far as to mock Astarion's voice actor for winning an award.

"what a baby, Astarion's such a little baby."

says the man who spent 50 minutes going apeshit because a video game took away his play thing.

"I wish I had better cantrips, my cantrips suck"

you're the one who picked the cantrips?

phil has come up against a rock wall and is utterly defeated. he has no idea how to get past it. 150 hours into the game and he doesn't understand how to use force spells to destroy obstacles, or even just using fucking explosives.

"they're not breaking! medium toughness?"

he is just mashing attack now hoping he can break it. he can't.

he has 6 billion scrolls, which I am sure, some of them are force magic, and he's still just mashing attack hoping he'll win eventually.

"I don't get it. i give up. fuck this."

"it's immune to slashing but doesn't take damage due to medium toughness, how the fuck are you supposed to break this? i give up. I GIVE UP"

phil has been defeated by a rock wall.

fat retard phil doesn't understand how to use the Githyanki psionic jump

"there's no point in using that because it doesn't work. it didn't work!"

It's a buff spell. You have to select it then cast it on yourself, all you did was select it then try to cast it where you want to jump. I can not fucking believe that after 150 hours your chat had to explain to you how to use a buff spell.

"I don't get it, if the three are dead, who's controlling the brain?"

uh, you? that was the point? what the fuck?

phil thinks the Netherbrain was literally a huge giant kaiju Mindflayer who had its brain removed.

he has failed his dice rolls against the Netherbrain.

"they're the same race, they're all gonna act the same"

phil is unleashing his racism to take on the Netherbrain.

"we have to fight him no matter what, since I don't trust him. i don't trust him at all."

because Phil refuses to believe the Emperor, he has joined the Netherbrain against Phil.

"how the fuck do we get him out? maybe it has to be lae'zel?"

she LITERALLY just told you to smash the crystals with the hammer. instead phil runs up to the orb and is just "uhhhhh"

"how the fuck do I do this? uh.,...there's no targeting to hit anything? see?"

he solved the problem by selecting attack and clicking the crystal.

"I didn't use the illithid, that's bullshit."

phil, he's talking about the Emperor, not the illithid tadpole, moron.

with the emperor gone, phil needs to become a mindflayer to stop the Netherbrain.

"I'm not becoming a mindflayer, fuck that."

Orpheus has become an illithid because Phil is once again shirking responsibility.

phil is for some reason talking about "the next game" despite knowing damn well there won't be one.

phil is confused that Voss doesn't immediately recognize Orpheus as a mindflayer.

"where's the elder brain in all of this? i guess they just didn't render it."

"you can find Astarion? you CAN? but he's out of my game? how could he still be in it?"

sometimes phil says shit so stupid I don't even know what to say.

"where are the mold people?"

I have no idea what phil is talking about.

phil is singing about goldgrind again.

phil has 1 hour left of stream and instead of facing off against the final battle he's talking to every NPC in this room and talking vendors.

it has been ten minutes and he's still talking to NPCs.

phil walked away and the NPCs left to go fight a war and now he's screaming that they've vanished like his spear.

he is now doing shootouts, we're coming up on 20 minutes of nothing.

"we're not gonna wrap it up today, we only have 45 minutes left"

wonder why that is.

he's literally just wasting time walking around during the grand finale. he's done nothing for the past 25 minutes.

"should I activate my goblins?"

you mean your ghouls?

phil is just sitting asking chat "should I activate my buffs or no?"

now he's running away from the active fight to check out a corner that interests him.

instead of doing the final fight, phil has found an interesting wall he wants to break, so he's just standing here trying to break it.

phil has given up, the wall has defeated him.

he is now debating what buffs to use and he is talking to his companions.

"this fight is going to take HOURS. it's seriously going to take hours. there's so many enemies it's ridiculous."

you are fighting a literal war.

"what does minus 2AC mean? i have no idea what that means at all."

150 hours in the game. AC is Armor Class, it's essentially how hard your character is to hit. lower the AC, easier it is to hit.

"NOT ENOUGH MOVEMENT? what the FUCK man, you fucking piece of shit."

"so I get no turn, I'm stunned for some reason, I don't even know why. i don't know what happened there."

"wait, why does it say he can do these things? he has no action, I'm confused"

it's a bonus action phil, how do you not know this after 150 hours

stream is over. phil says tomorrow will MAYBE be the conclusion of Baldur's Gate 3. I'll do my best to be there.

 

[Keith the Horse Fucker]

Phil and the spear debacle.
View attachment 5851186

The spear is right under Gortash. The spear has to be equipped first to throw it if you want it to return to your hand but that wastes an action.

He decides to use the normal throw action, so when its on the ground, it is treated as a world item(like a chair or box as an example). So he selects throw, selects the trident WHILE ITS ON THE GROUND, throws it, and ZOOP. Gone.

This is his fault because he didn't want to spend a point to equip it first. This is another KOOKY GAME BREAKING BUG that can be easily explained. He tried to play the system and got fucked. If you were able to keep chuckin that spear from the inventory/ground and have it return to youg everytime, it would be insanely broken so its balanced around that.
I'm not a Larian cocksucker but boy you are 100 fuckin hours in and this shit shouldn't be something to try.

But thank god. Love that his party is gettin stripped of his dumbshit because he took the OP crap for granted. Rip Astarion's gear.

Get Fwucked!

 

[Balr0g]

stream is over. phil says tomorrow will MAYBE be the conclusion of Baldur's Gate 3. I'll do my best to be there.

He is going to drag it until next week, can't miss the 100$ each day. Plus he is probably too stupid to actually win in his 1st go. Either that or he is busy reading guides / watching videos how to end the game in a "moral choice". from what I understand is that he has already set some wheels that his ending will be terrible.

 

[Dollar Store Crack Whore]

Phil getting stuck at the wall was so stupid, I couldn't stop giggling. The toughness mechanic has been there from the start of the game, he's had dents send him constant advice, and he's checking chat religiously but he just can't figure it out.

Full clip:

 

[Mister Baranavichy]

SleepySquid is dick riding extra hard this last session, must be making memories of agreeing with piggy - "don't disagree with phil", "Yeah, you're right Phil", "How is this goty, so true phil".

Hopefully m'lord throws him a pity mention come end of stream.

 

[FormerPro]

Can you imagine how long this would have taken if he wasn't constantly being spoon fed exact step by step instructions of how to progress. Every encounter takes him about 4 times longer than a normal human as he instantly fucks it up, reads through every chat suggestion, saves after every action and then takes 2 minutes to ponder his next move. I legitimately think if left to his own devices he'd either never manage to finish this game or it would be approaching a 500 hour playthrough.

Edit: 9 minutes after he gained control of his party Phil has finally committed to the first action of the final boss fight. 9 minutes.

Edit 2: 45 minutes in and Phil has just completed his second turn of the final boss fight.

 

[JimiHendrix]

hello children. the end is upon us.

Spoiler: phil and the brain

"94% and it missed. you're so full of shit dude, really, you're so full of shit."

he's still struggling with LoS really badly even this far in.

phil is now asking his chat if he should short rest or keep playing.

phil is upset he missed twice despite shooting at an enemy who had the high ground.

"it's not clear what this is. it's stupid. why can't I tell what this circle is? another new game mechanic, never explained, and I'm supposed to just know what the fucks going on. it could be a target or it could be a safe spot. i don't know. TELL ME HOW TO PLAY THE GAME, GAME, SO ANNOYING, SO FUCKING ANNOYING. it just wants to PISS me off. can I get a brain drunk?"

"no, exploring is not part of the fun. it's part of the frustration. if you're 140 hours into a game you just want to finish it. you don't want to learn new mechanics, it's so dumb."

"I'm so confused, I don't know what's going on"

"I don't understand. nothing happened? nothing happened at all. ok"

these circles on the ground are really fucking him up.

"I can't even read what medium toughness means, it won't say, look"

after 150 hours in the game you should know what it means by now.

"why does she need a bonus action to push this? this doesn't make any sense, it should be an action, not a bonus action. this makes no sense. this is a complete nonsensical game"

push has only been a bonus action for the past 150 hours, but ok.

"IT KILLED HALF MY PARTY, WHO'S DEAD?"

lae'zel got nuked from orbit. rip.

"unbelievable."

"this fight is shit. fuck this. fucking ending is frustrating as shit, so dumb"

phil has left to piss.

"im not having a good time. these final battles are tedious and annoying. now I need to figure out how to revive lae'zel. the game is designed to annoy you and I really don't like this at all, I just want to get to the end. they're just trying to draw it out as maximum length as possible. they're trying to make it as long and annoying as possible, so it's really hard to enjoy this."

phil just saved, healed his party, then saved again.


the final battle starts here


"the emperor is our enemy now, he revealed he's evil all along"

uh, no? the emperor will 100% help you stop the brain, the only reason he betrayed you was you straight up refused to side with him.

"let me guess, they each had a dream visitor all along, you just don't know that."

uh, again, they tell you they have a dream visitor at the start of the game after the first time.

phil is now saying that Emperor is evil and is mind controlling everyone and he knows this because he watched a cutscene online that he didn't get in game. i have no fucking idea what he's talking about, but the gist is apparently phil has been looking up story stuff offline. "he says in the cutscene that he will dominate you. i didn't get the cutscene, but that's what he does."

he is now asking chat in what order he should summon his allies

someone told phil he fucked up placement on something, phil disagrees and snippily tells them to "shut up."

"they're not gonna let me lobotomized him?"

phils fun is once again ruined by the secret cabal preventing him from doing what he wants.

"mind broken? what does that mean?"

phil is proud he never needed to use divine intervention. great streamer that he gets an ability you can only use once per playthrough then doesn't use it at all.

phil is mad dogging his chat instead of watching the epilogue cutscene.

he has decided to kill Orpheus.

im partly surprised that phil knows what a boom-tube is.

Gale has left phils party with designs of becoming a God by salvaging the Crown of Karthiss.

"this is bullshit. it's such nonsense. there's no way to save her."

phil is upset that Karlach is dying in his arms now.

"im afraid if I have her choose she's going to kill herself."

reminds me of my ex, honestly.

Karlach and Wyll get a cool ending in hell together for eternity.

Lae'zel has become the new leader of the Gith'yanki and leads the attack against Vlaakith

phil has entered into a gay homosexual relationship with Halin, the Bear druid, by mistake and is now getting married.

"WHAT THE FUCK. UHHHHHHHH, right...what the FUCK. how the HELL....so you're literally forced no matter what? the game just randomly selects someone basically? what the FUCK."

"the game glitched and gave me a romantic relationship"

stream is over. Phil wants to do the epilogue and he will be finishing it on Friday night. I am not sure if I will be there for it for a few reasons. 1. I haven't seen this and kinda don't want to spoil it and 2. I get high on Friday. I might show up to hear his review and write on that, but I don't really care to see him do the epilogue.

If I don't come back on Friday, I just wanted to say I hope you all enjoyed this thread. I enjoy doing these write ups and seeing other people start actually commenting on phils playthrough and posting videos of his fuck ups here is nice. I understand everyone likes his insane rants and weird money stuff, but that was never the fun of things for me. I like seeing his fucked gameplay, so I'd encourage anyone here, if phil is playing a game you like and know a lot about, try this out for yourself. I know I'd certainly enjoy reading it.

 

[Guinan's hats]

Holy shit the best way the game possibly could have ended was with a final troll to the pig.

Phil, obsessed with never having a romantic relationship with anyone, must have not paid attention during a Halsin conversation and triggered an ending where he and the large hairy man (who can also turn into a bear) are in a committed relationship.

Bravo, Larian studios.