Phil starts off his stream scrolling through his junk inventory to drop things he didn’t mean to pick up, riveting gameplay.
“I didn’t mean to have any of this, this is all a mistake. These are all mistakes.”
A fan tells him not to drop that junk as it will be important to have it later, Phil mocks and laughs at the guy.
Another fan reminds him that he has food that would increase his carry weight. He says that’s good to know and starts talking about Taco Bell.
Phil reiterates he’s not doing the Minuteman missions.
Phil goes to get synth Curie and is horrified by her attractive face.
“The only reason I want her is cause she heals, right? Isn’t she the—she heals you?”
No.
Phil has to be told to equip armor on synth Curie. He gives her the Silver Shroud armor.
He gives her Ashmaker, the unique minigun, and a small amount of ammo for it, but he is not sure if she will use it. I have no idea why he thinks she won’t use it, he has seen and commented on companions using weapons he’s given them (once chat told him to give them ammo for them, of course).
“Will she be able to heal you? And that’s what I want.”
“Let’s keep her with me, cause level 3 is when she just starts healing you, right?”
Wrong.
Phil can’t wrap his head around how traveling works. When he swaps Hancock for Curie, it says, “Hancock is heading to Sanctuary.” Phil thinks Hancock will just magically appear there (despite his constant complaints about characters and enemies “magically appearing out of thin air”). He doesn’t get that Hancock actually has to walk there, so you can meet him along the way and even get there before he does if you really want to for some reason. Yet he sees Hancock sitting on a bench and declares him “lost”. No Phil, Hancock knows exactly where he is and exactly where he’s going, which is more than I can say for you.
“Pickman Gallery is another miscellaneous mission for someone, I can’t remember who.”
Hancock, you got this mission less than 48 hours ago when you were trying to recruit him.
“Oh my god, she really is using it, she really is gonna use da’ fuckin ting. Hope she doesn’t run out of bullets. Let’s see wha happens wid dah, hope she doesn’t run outta bullets.”
Since you only gave her 100 rounds, she will.
“Why are there vertibirds overhead?”
The Brotherhood is attacking super mutants. You’d know this if you looked at the screen. With your eyes.
“I guess she can’t use that thing, she just runs around with it. She has ammo for it, she won’t fire it. That’s a waste. OH NEVERMIND.”
Curie has used Ashmaker because that’s how the fucking game works.
“She pulled out her pistol. Yeah, see she’s just gonna use her pistol. I guess she can’t really use the gun.”
Negro, you saw her use it. You commented on her using it. When you then see her not using it, you declare she can’t use it instead of, you know, she used up the ammo for it. How long did you think 100 rounds would last with a fucking minigun?
By the way, that’s not even “her” pistol, it’s a 10mm pistol he gave her along with some ammo.
Goddamn Phil is stupid. I know I’ve said this before, but he’s just a fuckin moron. Chat is patiently explaining to him that companions have a default weapon that doesn’t need ammo and you can give them better weapons that they will use as long as they have the appropriate ammo. He is baffled by this, he just cannot wrap his mind around it.
“She has a laser gun [as her default weapon]? No, she doesn’t. I have to give her one.”
He gives Curie a laser pistol and again a rather pathetic amount of ammo and she immediately equips it.
“See if she uses dih ting.”
Negro, you just watched her use the minigun and 10mm pistol you gave her.
“She has the laser gun still? What, if I take away all her weapons, she’ll use the laser gun, izzat what you’re saying?”
He takes away 2 of her guns, leaving her with Ashmaker and the Rockville Slugger.
“If I do this, will she use the laser gun?”
No, you complete imbecile, she will equip the Rockville Slugger because it’s better than her default weapon and doesn’t need ammo. Like, am I actually going insane? Because I honestly can't tell anymore. Everybody reading this understands this, right? I'm not some kind of mental genius over here for immediately grasping this rather simple concept?
“Trying to get my bearings man, game’s a little weird, trying to get used to it.”
For the record, a washed-up, slovenly, toxic beggar with a 15 year beggacy of playing video games professionally is bamboozled by the concept of “use my weapon which has infinite ammo, unless I have a better weapon and the necessary ammo”. Yeah, that’s pretty weird, Dave, I can see why you’re struggling.
“I love those dandy boys.”
Gay.
“Dandy Boy apples, that is.”
Oh.
He’s doing the Buddy mission in the Shamrock Taphouse and acking it up that he’s DOMINATING. He is level 28 and this mission is probably for like level 12.
Phil thought he bought the room in the Hotel Rexford in Goodneighbor, he was confused when he had to pay for it again. I’m not sure if it’s more ridiculous that he thought he bought a room in a hotel or that a measly 10 caps was enough.
“Which is funny, did you think when Fallout 4 came out in 2015, did you ever imagine they would turn Fallout into a major TV show like they did, like. At that point like nothing, no game stuff had really worked so I never woulda thought they woulda done anything like that.”
The first Mortal Kombat movie was fucking rad.
“And it was really well done.”
I watched the first episode and thought it was a bit crap, to be honest.
Phil is lost in the Vault-Tec Regional Headquarters.
Phil is confused when he finds 25 Vault jumpsuits in the Vault-Tec HQ.
Oh lord, for some reason he has decided to hack a terminal.
“Fuck, here we go again wi dis. I’m so bad at hacking cause I have no skill in it, hacking is hard as shit for me. I can’t get my chances reset? I can’t get my chances reset. Cahm ahn, no chances reset? This is bullshit. Fuck.”
Phil has failed the terminal.
“It’s so weird that hacking is the hardest thing for me, seriously, it’s so weird. This hacking used to be the easiest thing and now it’s the hardest thing in the game.”
It’s because you don’t understand the puzzle, Phil. He made 3 choices and all of them had at least 1 correct letter, with 1 word (“areas”) having 2 correct. His final choice was “beset”, which has no letters in common with any of those. He just guesses randomly at some points, I don’t know why.
Phil expresses his satisfaction that this game doesn’t permanently lock you out of terminals like previous Fallout games did, so he can keep trying until he gets it right. Okay I made up the last part, but it’s absolutely true.
For those who don't know, food you cook is better than food you find and doesn’t give you radiation to boot. Phil has yet to eat any of the mountain of food he has cooked, he instead eats the rad-infused food that restores less health,
“Unlock the Novice suitcase. Shit! Break the bobby pin.”
My man at level 28 finds a mediocre tier 2 arm and contemplates using it, like that is for levels 10-15.
We have retconned the moderation controls in chat, YouTube now has better moderation tools than Twitch. I only say this because Phil may or may not remember when he said YouTube was a worse streaming platform than Twitch because it lacked Twitch’s tools for moderating chat, but I remember.
Phil had more views on Twitch than he has now on YouTube, but “that didn’t equate into [sic] anything that benefited me” (read: money), so he doesn’t care.
“I just want people to be here who enjoy my stuff and hang out and like it, and say, ‘Oh I like it so much maybe I’ll support it because I wanna see it continue.’ That’s way more important.”
Straight up admitting he wants a smaller audience that gives him more money.
Massive cope about why it doesn’t bother him that nobody watches his videos.
Again, he’s overleveled for the areas he’s in—plus, you know, Bethesda game on Normal—but it’s still painful watching how badly he plays. Feral ghouls—again, the most basic enemies in the game apart from the literal roaches and flies—always, and I mean ALWAYS, get the first hit on him, even when he sees them coming. He will block when the ghoul is 10 feet away, drop his block, and the ghoul will bitchslap him. If there are 2, they will both get a hit in before he manages to chop them, it’s both hilarious and sad.
“Oh? I can take all these now? Ohhhhh, I have affinity with them now, so now I can take all their items. Alright. Let’s loot the building.”
Negro, you already looted the police station when you did the first Brotherhood mission, you shit on the game for letting you do it.
Phil doesn’t know how to pronounce “admin”.
Phil took the Adamantium Skeleton perk, which reduces damage to limbs. Now, maybe this perk doesn’t completely suck, though I’ve never used it since you can cure crippled limbs with one of the zillion stimpaks you have or just, you know, wait a few seconds for your limb to un-cripple itself. But I believe he has had a limb crippled once in the entire game so far. Maybe twice. So I cannot fathom why he thinks this is a good perk. It’s not as if he’s been going through the game getting his limbs crippled, so…what.
Phil now spinning the lie that he was departnered by Twitch because of kahntent he made 100 years ago. I’m honestly starting to wonder if he’s lying or if he’s pignotized himself to think this is what really happened. (It isn’t, because if it were, he would’ve cried about it on stream immediately, not weeks later once he had received the "hateful slurs" email and was able to come up with the lie.)
Phil confirms he is not banned from Twitch, he just doesn’t want to stream there because he “can’t do any of the things that make money”.
Phil low-key shitting on women and minorities because they are protected from Twitch bans and he isn’t. He then somehow turns that into a rant about how when he complains about people slandering him he is ignored while when chicks and darkies do it “it gets taken care of”, which isn’t even related to the original comment that started the rant (the departnering thing).
He’s still ranting about how as a straight (hah) white male, he’s the one, he, reee, that is the victim of Twitch’s prejudice. I only write all this because I’m laughing my ass off at the thought of Phil Karening at Twitch that detractors are mean to him and they should do something about it, whether or not he ever actually did that.
“We’re hanging out and just talking today while I do random stuff in Fallout.”
Stellar stream, top-notch stuff, this is why people give Phil over $100 to put on a hat.
Twitch kicked Phil out of the partner program with no explanation, and the explanation was something about hate speech.
An unnamed “whistleblower” told Phil he was departnered because detractors told Twitch that Phil was a bigot, a sexist, and a racist and proved it by making a montage of Phil being a bigot, a sexist, and a racist, this is more entertaining than anything happening on the screen this stream.
The game crashed, get fucked, PC master race.
“What is happening? I don’t know what’s going on.”
Phil talks to Duke and yet again doesn’t recognize Garrus’s voice, despite being told at the end of his last Fallout stream that Garrus is in the game and commenting on it.
“How would I put the tape in [the terminal] exactly?”
We’re 25 hours into the game.
Phil getting absolutely molested by a single laser turret. It took him down to 10% health so he had to run behind a wall where it couldn’t hit him and heal, then it got him down to 50% a second time. Curie basically had to tank and kill it for him, though he did V.A.T.S. the killing shot so clearly he is good at games.
“[Nick] knew who was wrongdoing [sic] but he can’t do anything about it because they were all protected? It was like a corrupted? Job?”
No Phil, the tape specifically said what happened was legal and not “like a corrupted job” at all. Eddie Winter turned informant and was given legal immunity, that’s why Nick and his partner had to abandon their effort to arrest him.
Phil getting molested by raiders again.
“Find a password or hack the holotape?”
“I don’t get it. What am I doing?”
He’s just mashing every option on the holotape now.
Chat to the rescue! baby-stepping god gamer Phil through what to do since he is too stupid to comprehend the statement “find the password”.
Jesus fucking Christ, this man. He picks “paper” which has zero correct letters and then picks “faces”, what the fuck. Then he picks “large” and I’m looking for some rope and a nice sturdy chair.
“Uh, why does this shortcut not work? Look, see, it’s there and there. This should be a shortcut thing but it’s naht, this one’s fucked up.”
There’s a fucking word between the brackets, Phil’s stupidity physically hurts me.
After doing all the shortcuts, he immediately picks “ranks” and I start positioning the chair.
Phil’s lost again.
“I don’t know how to leave. How the fuck do I leave?”
He had to select a mission to get the waypoint marker to show him where the way out is, pro gamer here.
Phil got a power armor mod as a mission reward, he mouses over it and sees what it takes to make one and declares he can’t use it because he doesn’t have the components to make it and I start tying a nice loop into the rope.
“Oh I can add the mod right now? Oh.”
“The Mechanist? What is this mission?”
Phil doesn’t know who the Mechanist is. My knowledge of Fallout 3 is my weakest by far and even I immediately recognized the name.
He’s whining that the vendors don’t have a lot of caps again.
“Oh this is it, this is where we were supposed to go, I didn’t even realize.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing right now.”
“If you have a wife and she can’t cook, I feel bad for you, man.”
If you want to eat good meals, don’t learn to cook, get your bitch in the kitchen to do it for you, amirite?
Phil has been killed by mines again, death 28.
He’s again complaining there are no mines when he isn’t where the mines were.
He went to where the mines were and there are mines there and Phil is silent, I really do hate him.
Phil receives a grenade launcher that ignores 30% of enemies’ damage and energy resistance, he doesn’t understand what that means.
