Dwarf Fortress: CWCki Forums Edition

Randall Fragg

Randall Fragg

Tran Ranch is under siege!
Retired Staff
True & Honest Fan
kiwifarms.net
Joined
Apr 15, 2014
Since Tavern Explorers Xcom game seems to be a hit, I'm going to try my hand at a Lolcow/Forum user themed play through of a game. I give you:
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BasementCreatures of Virginity.

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Entry One, Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors:
Alright, so like, we've arrived at the place those assholes back at the mountainhomes (more like mountan fags, AMIRIGHTZ!" told us to go. They were all like "Commander, we need to send you on a top secret mission to the farthest corner of the Continent. Now, don't come back until you've finished the fight." So I was all "Hell yeah, sign me up!". So then me, Eli, and Tyce joined up with these other speds who are supposed to be our "support team". We got this dude Chrischan who's always talking about his lighting hedgehogman engravings, Gaben, who keeps calling Tyce a cyberbully because Tyce threw up in his ale, some dude with leather armor painted gold, and Lil' Faggot. And now, we're like, at the place.
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Yeah, so, like, we've got a supply of tactical lava right there, which is chill.


Hey, wait a minute. They never exactly told me what my top secret mission was.
 

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You're going to need a weed mod though. I don't know much about DF so all I can say is good luck.
 
Dude that's realistic. You have my axe, the axe of Weed Grass the Angry Blunt.
 
Entry Two, Journal of Jace "Stryker" Connors:
Alright, we've got the miner dudes digging out a tunnel so..
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OH SHIT RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN WE"RE BEING ATTACKED BY HORRIFIC RED EYED-
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-Chinchillas.
Not the proudest day for BasementCreatures.

Entry Three:
Okay, so, like, a big group of faggots showed up and started sitting around our stuff eating our MinerFuel.
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Oh, and on top of these new welfare dwarves, we now just discovered that we don't have any good soil for growing crops, so that weed farm idea just went bye bye.
Now for the good news. Our weed bunker is going along well.
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Also, I've set up a nice magma powered super forge to make cool shit like bongs and swords.
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So, like, yeah, things are looking good.

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OH SHIT RUN FROM THE FIRE IMP!!!! IT JUST CAME OUT OF THE LAVA THAT'S GAY AND UNREALISTIC PRESS ONE IF THAT'S UNFAIR TACTICS PRESS ONE IF THATS UNFAIR TACTICS PRESSS OOOOOOOOOOONNNN-
(Rest of page has been burned off.)
 

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As a welfare dwarf I demand the right to be paid in golden jewels of our ancestors. Hurry and build the weed bunker so we can attract some wizards or something and I can scam them into giving everyone wicked wizard blowies.
 
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Entry Five:
Okay, we're making progress on our magma powered weed bunker. We've had to abandon the surface one because of the giant magma fags, but we've got a more tactical backup retreat. Some of the whiners here have been complaining about thirst, saying that we need to start gathering crops and shit. I'm all like, "Dude, we don't have any good soil, okay? Who needs water and food when you have magma?" They stopped talking to me, which obviously means that I won!
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Entry Six:
Dude, Tyce just fell down in the hallway again. It's one of his pranks, where he falls down and pretends to be dead.
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uuuhhhh, dude, come on, this isn't funny.
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DUDE.....WHAT THE FUCK?
Yo man, what the hell, why the hell are you idiots dying? Just go grab some-

Ohhhhhhh shit we're out of booze.

I may have something to do with that, but to be fair it was Tyce's idea.

Okay, so, like, this isn't chill bro. Like, we're a million fucking miles from anywhere, we don't have any minerfuel left, and we have no way to make more.

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Dude, what the fuck? Burned Man is saying that he's in charged now because the expedition leader is dead. But that's not fact based because I'm the expedition leader. Right?

Okay, I checked the records and it looks like Chris was the fucking expedition leader. He didn't even do anything, he just sat in a corner playing with bricks and carving Hedgehog Men into the walls.

Well, he's obviously to blame for everything.

Okay, so Burned Fag is trying to usurp me, we're out of booze, and the goddamn fire monsters are prowling outside. There's only one thing to do.
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ABANDON SHIIIIIIIIIPPP!

Entry Seven:
Oh man, this is not good. So, like, Burned Man was trying to gather supporters in the great hall, and I barged in all like "Yeaaaah, Everyone bug out, ANARCHY DUUUDES". And then Burned Bitch started yelling at me and people started fighting. And then a monster broke in. So everyone, like, bugged out of there. Oh, and I punched Gaben in the face and threw him at the monsters to distract them.


I should probably change my last name after this.

Anyway, I'm camped out in the woods. Oh, and I lost all my booze and weed and gamerfuel. But I found these berries, so like, that's at least two, right? In honor of Tyce, I'm going to MacGyver getting high.

Entry Eight:
WEARENOTHINGBUTPAWNSOFTHEMACHINEGODSWHYWHWYHWYWHYHDJKLHUADYHUDHUIHASDUQW I CAN TASTE THE RAINBOW!!!!! HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT A GIANT SPONGE! DIE GIANT SPONGE DIE!!!!!

Entry Nine:
Okay, I'm never eating berries again.

Anyway, I found a few other loyal fans who survived. Oh, and that creepy Golden Fag guy. So, me, Eli, Little Faggot, and Goldie have changed our last names and are on our way to establishing BasementCreatures 2!

Journal of Matt Sarzibasen, Leader of the GateTorch Outpost.
Entry 121:
We've got the farms up and running, constructed a still, and are working on tapping the nearby magma vein. Oh, and Clown Doll saw a few dwarves hanging around, They look like they're migrants.

Entry 122:
Confirmed, they showed up at the front door today. They're odd. There's some creepy blonde guy with a scraggly mullet, a bearded dude who keeps talking about spying on goblins, some guy called "Little Bundle of Sticks"(?), and their leader, who promptly started talking about his "Militia" and how he'd split the rat weed rations with me. I know migrants are often a little odd, but this is something else.

Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors:
Entry Ten:
Dude, sickness! We though we were totally screwed, but then we found a group of civvies! This is awesome, the dream of the weed bunker shall continue and I shall Finish the Fight! I dub thee, BasementCreatures Of Virginity 2.0!
 

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Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors:
Entry Eleven:
Dude, so, like, this place is awesome! Well, will be. The civvies haven't got it up an running, but I showed off my parkay power in the main hall to inspire them an shit. It seemed to work, because they were all staring at me in awe. So, yeah, soon we'll have this gay and unrealistic cave as a totally awesome bunker. It's going to be soo chill.
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Entry Twelve:
DUUUDE, Kick ass news! The boss guy around here gave me a secret mission to deliver top secret cutting edge technology to an elite military unit!
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I was all "Hey, semper fidelous man, keep fighting those terrorists", and they were all "Huh?", and I said "Oh, you're on a stealthing mission, got it."

Journal of Matt Sarzibasen, Leader of the GateTorch Outpost BasementCreatures Outpost:
Entry 123:
So, I woke up this morning to find one of the new migrants flopping awkwardly around the farming area. When inquired about this, he stated that he was "Parkouring". I would write this off as some strange foreign custom, if not for the fact that this "Jace originated one town over from me.

Entry 124: A group of traders have come in. We haven't had any real economic production, but we do have some valuable stone laying around. I put Jace to work hauling it to the depot. Some of the others have reported having trouble with getting him to work. I simply claimed that the merchants were a secret military group, and that the crates he was delivering were full of new weaponry and armor designed to stop goblins. He promptly went to work "Saving the world from terrorists." I think this may be a good strategy with preventing him from starting trouble.

Entry 125:
Sooo, it turns out that letting Jace near the merchants didn't turn out well. I walked out to the trade depot this morning to find the merchants gone and Jace smoking ratweed. Apparently, he didn't speak the merchants language, so instead of offering the goods for trade he offered them as a gift.
On a better note, we've nearly completed the bedroom section.
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Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors:
Entry 13:
Dude, so I've completed the Deagle Nation Command Bunker
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Sickness, right?
Anyway, I got the sick lava forges up, so we can start making, like, swords and tactical axes and shit.
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Entry 14:
Okay, what the fuck? DeagleDad is acting really gay. He started muttering to himself and took over the magma forge.
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Journal of Matt Sarzibasen, Leader of the GateTorch Outpost BasementCreatures Outpost:
Entry 126:
Okay, these new migrants are pissing me off. First, I tell them to bring the livestock out to pasture. They ignore me and the livestock die. Now, they refuse to clean up the livestock remains in the entry way, which means that we have several rotting corpses laying around.
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The good news is that a few new migrants have arrived.
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Also, Jace finally built the draw bridge and got it hooked up to a lever in the main hall.
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.....damnit Jace.

Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors:
Entry 15:
Hey, DeagleDad finally finished his construction.
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Fuck, that's fucking gay. A fucking bracelet. And it's all heavy and leaves this black powder on you when you touch it. I had to, like, lick my hands to get it off. Fucking gay man. Tasted kind of good though.
But damn, then this day got even worse.
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Yes, a big ass lizard showed up and started killing people. Like, everyone's holed up int the bunker, but it's still out there.

Entry 16:
Alright, this siege is fucking boring. I'm coping with it by sketching out my plan for a mighty monument. A picture of a deagle with "Deagle Nation" spelled out around it. And, like, it's a ditch filled with lava. Fucking awesome man, fucki-
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Ahhh, fuck. Okay, looks like not everyone has thought up a way to relive boredom. Peppy's running around ranting to himself. Hmmm. You know, I have a idea.

Entry 17:
Okay, we threw Peppy to the wereiguana, which chased him away from the fortress before it turned back into a dwarf. Now that that's over we can get back to making my Deagle Nation momume-
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....FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK! I don't want to deal with you fucking... wait, werehare? As in, a fucking rabbit? a member of Deagle Nation just got offed by a fucking wererabbit?

This...this is not a proud day for the nation.

Entry 18:
So, the wererabbit turned back into a goblin and ran away like a little bitch. Oh, and this happened.
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Hopefully, this will be a turning point in the fortunes of the nation.
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yo, lik i finially found jace an shit. i totally pranked him thugh, cause back in da first place he was all like "oh noes, tyec die of dehydraton" an i'm all lick "pranked muthafucka". yeah, but, like, this looks like it's, like, yah know, kool an shit, so, like, i'm gonna lik live her and shit an pull sum pranks an shit.
 
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Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors
Entry 18:
So, Tyce is back. Yeah, apparently he faked being dead as a prank, left the fortress to get high off of berries in the woods, wandered back after the fort had been abandoned, spend some time putting his own shit in a barrel and huffing the fumes, and then got bored and wandered off again. He showed up with a group of migrants ranting about how he totally pranked our fortress and talking about his plan to go to Fergesonshire and enact "vigalantiee justic" against elves. I managed to talk him out of it, and's he's now loitering around the fortress.
On a better note, this lead bracelet is starting to grow on me.
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Yeah, I've been wearing it a lot recently, and I even got a picture of it engraved in the entry hall. Still have that black powder coming off of it, but the taste is growing on me. #sickness

Entry 19:
Okay, so some dwarf got elected mayor. Luckily he's pretty chill, so we shouldn't have trouble. Also, I told one of the dwarves to start engraving more of the walls, to document our tactical victories and lift moral.
This is what I got instead.
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Dammit, NO MEMBER OF DEAGLE NATION AFFILIATES WITH TERRORIST ISLAM BOGYMEN! That is dishonest and cowardly anti-deagle propaganda!
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heh, Golden Fags all like "nooos, I'm scared of da rats". That's what would actually happen tough, causes hes a creepy sped and shit.
But sadly, there's not enough of this chill stuff. So I commissioned Tyce to draw some uplifting engravings to boost our spirits.

Entry 20:
Dammit Tyce....
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I said to draw cool shit, not carve maggots and porn onto the walls! What the fuck?
Oh, and then this happened
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Yeah, we have fucking ghosts running around. It's not even a chill ghost, it's some miner who died in a freak accident when we were trying to escape the wererabbit and he tripped and distracted the monster so I could get inside. It was completely accidental, not my fault. But he's being a bitch about it and wandering the hall saying crap like "Yoouu killed meee" and "Alll of you are curssssed" and other ghost shit.
 
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Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors:
Entry 21.
Hello fans, I just wanted to say that nothin much has been happening. We're fortifying the front, the Deagle Nation Lava Sign is still filling up, we got some traders in, and I'm currently working on a way to drop magma on anyone trying to get into the fortress. So, it's all chill. Oh, and I'm working on a way to bring water into the fort to drink from.
It seems to be working so far.
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See, the water comes in through a pit connected to a creek out front, flows into here, and fills up a well located in this room:
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Uh, shit, so the water came in a little faster than expected and broke the lever that controlled the floodgate that stopped the flow of water. So, I shoved a door in there and put that behind another floodgate. That should hold it, right?
 
Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors.
Entry 22.
Dear Diary,
Wonderful news. The Deagle Nation Lava Sign is nearly complete. We just need a little while longer to let the lava fill up a bit more and it'll be good. The future of our nation looks brighter than eve-
Hold on, one of the crew is here.


WHAT DO YOU MEAN A FIRE HAS STARTED?

Scribbling of Tyce Sazirdrews
dudelik jac waz actin lik a bitch bot hiz degl naton sign soz i was all [heh, i gotz am epik prank] an went oer to da sighn and may-b acciendntully stuk a bunhc of dry leafs in da laeva an also trow jace roast cheez sanwich in as wel so da treez an shit wold catch on fire #PRANK #ANALCHY #SMOKWEDEVRYDAY #FUKGAYFOTRES #FIREFIRE #SKELYTONGWUR #FUKSPALLING #BUNITALLTOAPPEAZEDDADARKSKERLLYTONZ!


Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors
Entry 23
DUDEDUDEDUDEDUDE, not cool notm cool not cool not cool.
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What the fuck? Why is half of the map on fire? What the fuck! Get the firefighters out there pronto!

Okay, it turns out that we don't have any firefighters. WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY FIRE FIGHTERS? WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
Fucking goblins set my fortress on fire. WHY? WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE?
EVERYBODY, GET IN THE FORTRESS. EVACUATE! EVACUATE! STAY BEHIND THE DRAWBRIDGE, WHEN IT'S CLOSED THE FIRE WON'T BURN THROUGH IT.
JUST, GOTTA CLOSE THE DRAW BRIDGE TO STOP THE FIRE AND SAVE EVERYONE!
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what the- COMEON, CLOSE. I'M PULLING THE LEVER!
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WHAT THE FUCK? THE GOBLINS HACK MY DRAWBRIDGE? THEY CAN'T DO THAT THAT'S NOT FAIR THAT'SUNFAIR TACTICS! FUCKING GOBLINS ARE HACKING MY FORTRESS! WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE ME ALONE! AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! RUUUUN, RUUUUUUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THE KOBOLD ILLUMINATI AND THE GOBLINS ARE GOING TO SET US ON FIRE AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!


Skribblinz of Tyce da Heist Sazirdrewz
duuuuuude, praaanked. that gay drawbrige tottally got owned lik a fag. #brigezarenerdz #FIREFIRE #Itotally gotjace2run aroundin hisunderwearscreaming
 
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Okay, kind of forgot about this, but I had some stuff so I'll update it.

Journal of Jace "Commander Stryker" Connors
Entry 24
Quick update here. The fire's out, and it only burned half of the surrounding forest.
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So we now have a smoking wasteland for a front yard. Great.

Entry 25:
Everyone, I have a grave announcement to make. Tragedy has struck our nation. Matt "FlyAwayNow" Sarzirbasen was brutally assaulted. murdered, and drained of blood by terrorists.
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I shall not rest, not stand down, until the one responsible for his death has been taken out!

Entry 26:
WE GOT THE BASTARD! It took a fortnight, the city streets were under complete lockdown by the Deagle Nation Defense Militia, and we kind of forgot about burying Matt with full military honors until he started to stink up the place. But we got the bastard, right as he was about to murder a hapless nerd!
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Now comes the question, "What do we do with him?"

Entry 27:
For years the volcano besides us has laid unexplored, ripe for use as a base by terrorists. Well no more! Introducing the project we have been laboriously working on for the past few weeks, The DeagleSub!
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Constructed out of granite, the DeagleSub is a marvel of engineering that shall finally answer the question, "Are there terrorists in volcanoes?"
And who should be more fitting to serve as the pilot and test subject of this craft then our very own Chelorian, Vampire Administrator?
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Sealed behind that door, Chelorian is completely immune to the magma.
And who could be more fitting to launch the DeagleSub on it's maiden voyage than Alog, the nerd that Chelorian attempted to drain of blood?
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Entry 28:
Okay, I didn't expect the DeagleSub to disintegrate into rubble upon falling a few feet, killing Chelorian.
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I really didn't expect Alog to somehow survive 145 levels of magma unscathed before disappearing off our radar.
Well, this confirms that there are terrorists lurking deep within the magma, terrorists who must be dealt with! We must burrow down to these terrorists and take them out!
 
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