Oh hey, white people, season your food. Hurr durr look at me season my food! I have my own temu Lawry’s with my dumb face on it. Nothing but chemicals but who cares? I’m one of the cool ones! Cut to me making this weird ass expression with no shirt and no neck looking like I haven’t jewed in two hours because that’s how you know someone is really paying attention. It also means that I’m totally hilarious and don’t take myself too seriously like a really cool and laid back dude. Cut to me wearing those hip black gloves while I handle beef but then raw dog uncooked chicken because I’m actually fucking retarded and have no idea what I’m doing. Cut to me doing the splits on my counter like a stripper because my balls are really a vagina. Check me out wearing this power puff girls t-shirt because it shows how secure I am in my masculinity and not creepy at all. And if anyone is in doubt they can peep my ultra manly man retro mustache that comes with its own comb. Cut to me making these natural french fries with heckin real potatoes right after I use a slice of cheddar flavored cheese chemicals. I can’t …. really … make this …. veggie slicer contraption slice …. my taters …. by simply pressing on ….. the plunger. Oh I know lemme do some WWF moves on it. Yeah bitch, I showed that plastic who’s boss. Grrr I bet you ladies are pregnant with triplets now. Don’t forget to spray the pan with cooking spray from a precision dosing sprayer because that means you’re super duper health conscious and really in the know about seed oils. And one more thing, if you don’t want to pay for people’s chocolate covered strawberries then FUCK OFF! Smug, sniff my own farts, thumbs up!
