Hello friend, I'd say that I hope you're well, but it's clear from your transition and your account on KF that you are very unwell.
Since you asked for advice from Ex-transgender members, I'll say my piece. Like you, I transitioned in my 20s, but unlike you I am actually female, and was on Testosterone for a little over three years. I detransitioned in early 2022. I can't pretend to understand the inner machinations of autogynephilia, as my GD was a result of sexual trauma, grooming, and escapism, but I can speak a little on what it means to abandon the framework of transgender ideology and find your identity in something other than body modifications and external validation.
I want to start off by stating that in the first year or so after abandoning the "community" and the ideology, you will be a bit unstable, just like leaving a cult, changing careers, or ending a long-time relationship. You might find a new religion, you might fall into some new or old vices (drugs, attention-seeking, alcohol, sex, whathaveyou), you will definitely say and do some weird shit as you find who and what you are underneath years of conditioning. It's to be expected, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to establish a routine and a sense of normalcy to ground you during this upheaval. An easy place to start is by waking up and going to sleep at the same time everyday, but you should also pick up a practical hobby that uses your body as a tool, exercise is an easy one and can help stabilise your life by having an activity you do at a set time everyday, but activities such as gardening, art, home improvement, and cooking are also good ones. The point of this exercise is to remind yourself that the purpose of your body is to be functional and help you achieve the goals that you set yourself, and to build an internal sense of self based on your skills and accomplishments, which does not rely on external validation. You should not concern yourself with the shape and aesthetics of your flesh, only the function and health.
If you do not do this already, and I expect you do not, no transgender individual I have encountered has ever done this, you must become comfortable with being on your own with only your self for company. Getting out in nature is important, somewhere you won't be distracted by your phone, music, or other people, but this can be practiced at home. Pick up meditation, it's piss easy. Sit or lay down somewhere comfortable, inhale for 7 seconds or as long as is comfortable, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 7 seconds, hold empty for 7 seconds, and repeat. While you do this, focus your attention on the feeling of air travelling down your respiratory tract and filling your lungs, causing your diaphragm to expand. Your thoughts will wander, just return your attention to your breath. All transgender people I have known spend too much time in their own head, online, in fantasy worlds, this will help to ground you in the present and enable you to think a little more clearly in the coming months.
With these in mind, your routine, your grounding activities that remind you of your capabilities as a human being, your ability to be calm and present, it is time to practice introspection. You were not "born this way," indeed, some men are naturally more effeminate or gay, but we are all products of our environments, and you must learn to calmly examine your past and see what traumas, what fears from your childhood, what odd beliefs you held, lead you to becoming the person you are today. When you are able to examine what happened, understand it, and accept it as having been something that occurred that can't hurt you anymore, you will be able to change and heal as a person.
Two things to remember:
ONE: You are not a victim of your own mind, and if you learn to understand how and why you think the way that you do, you can also learn to change it. The personality is extremely plastic and ever-evolving, and it's time to change yourself into a healthier and happier person, that you can be proud of.
TWO: For as long as you chase external validation, as long as you concern yourself with body modifications, with chasing your next unfulfilling dopamine hit, with fulfilling your impulses, sexual or otherwise, you will not be happy. Satisfaction comes from community, problem-solving, and expressions of your competence.
It's Friday night, so I've had a glass of port, but this should still be as easy to understand as possible. If you have any questions, you may ask them here, or pop into my DMs.
