AITA for refusing to attend my dead nephew’s birthday celebration?
Background info: My sister has a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old. In January 2018, she told my family that she was pregnant with a third. She was over the moon, and she found out a few weeks later that the baby was going to be a boy. She publicly announced when she was 12 weeks pregnant, and miscarried in March at 14 weeks pregnant.
She was devastated by the loss. We arranged a full funeral, and she buried the remains in a cemetery. The headstone has the baby’s name and “birth date”, and she visits every week to put flowers on the grave. She joined a support group for parents who have lost a child.
In the last year and a half, all family events and celebrations have incorporated a celebration of her son’s “life”. We all visited the cemetery on his due date last September to commemorate him. At Thanksgiving and Christmas, she set aside a little plate of food for him at the table and we visited the grave after dinner. She posts pictures on Facebook all the time of her two living children next to the grave, and captions it “my three babies”.
His due date is coming up again this month, and she’s already organizing a celebration at the cemetery for his “first birthday”. I’ve dutifully gone along to all the other events, but this time I told her I wasn’t willing to go. I tried to be gentle, but I ended up telling her that I think she’s clinging to her grief and it isn’t healthy.
She’s incredibly angry at me. She’s accusing me of invalidating her grief, and that I never cared about her son anyway. She said that he’s her child and part of the family, and that she’s incredibly hurt that I don’t want to celebrate his life. She hasn’t spoken to me since I told her I wasn’t going.
I don’t know what to do. I care about her grief, and I get that having a miscarriage is a truly devastating event. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life having to pay homage to a dead “child” that was the size of an orange. I mean... at 14 weeks you don’t even need a surgical abortion, they’ll just let you take a pill and miscarry at home. I don’t want to have to go to a cemetery multiple times a year and listen to eulogies for a 14-week-old fetus for the rest of my life.
I also think this focus on the dead “sibling” has to be unhealthy for her two living children. I’m not going to tell her how to parent, but I also feel that I’m doing them a disservice by continuing to enable this kind of behavior. I don’t want every family celebration to be focused on their dead “brother”. She can do whatever she wants on the due date, but I don’t want to play a part in it.
AITA? I don’t want to hurt my sister, but I’m getting really concerned about how she’s grieving a year and a half later.
EDIT: Some people have written that I’m an asshole for what I’ve written here, particularly around how early the miscarriage was. I will not edit the post, but I hear you and will be more careful. Please be assured, though, that I have never said anything dismissive about it to my sister (unless you count the conversation I asked about as dismissive)